Friday, 30 September 2011

447 days left until the end of the world!*

predicted end of days in december 2012swimming pool drowned in rising floodwaters
*Well, until the Mayan calendar moves to the next b'ak'tun. Much like the dawn of the new millennium, it's an arbitrary counting system with an occasional pleasing yet meaningless round number. But it won't stop people having fun.
1.   A vast array of Quantum Vibrational Force Microcluster Protection websites will spring up offering chakra-aligning meditation-enhancing energizing spiritually cleansed Tachyon Quartz Pyramid End Of Days Survival Kits. (What will they be? A paper bag to put over your head? An interstellar generational starship? Also, what warranty do you offer in case of faulty performance?)
2.   Every Haight-Ashburyite, Secret Direct Descendant of the Chief Druid and crystal-waving god botherer will come out of the woodwork/bell-shaped barrow/catacomb/luxury granite worktop, wearing all their jingliest sparkliest Mayan/Toltec/Aztec chic torx and Mesoamerican obsidian ceremonial daggers. Geographical foci for alien-friendly vegan placard parades will include: Silbury Hill, Venice Beach, Roswell, the Bermuda triangle and anywhere cheap cider is sold.
3.   A dedicated government call centre will be set up on the Yucatan peninsula to deal with the predicted fallout in calendar stones, with live feed showing lots of concerned astrologers ready to sacrifice each other and Jon Snow jumping around the studio showing how the world could end with big graphics of earthquakes and trumpeting angels. Later, Armageddongate will dissect how so many highly qualified Enlightened Mystics could have got it so wrong.
4.  The pope, chief rabbi and head imam will independently yet patronizingly condemn the misguided heathen beliefs of the knock-kneed natives. The Revelationary Apocalypse will occur when we say it will, not as predicted 2000 years ago by a load of false chanting priests in their silly head-dresses. Er.
5.   Ten year bonds will hit an all-time low and whisky stocks will run out but the clever money will be in pine board holdings as all those "Body is an empty shell" corpses from the UFO suicide cults will need coffins.
6.   It will be the last day that Bud is 42. If the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything has not occurred to him by then, all is lost.

The weather forecast for the next 3 days is bright sunshine, maxtemp 29, mintemp 14. Tough life.
Complicated? No. Went round to Elizabeth's new house and marvelled at their new pad with super-large kitchen and newly turfed garden and pine doors throughout. The JBs and Ben and Beth played Ele-fun and we tried to move the contents of the house into the garden but were thwarted. Played with my skittles and her Beth-Fund (with unlimited cheque payment capability) and even got bonus hot dogs right at the end before it was hometime. She also has an elephanteddy that's bigger than me.
The Puddleparents have made beach and BBQ plans for tomorrow, who says weekends have to be boring?

1 comment:

  1. Well not all the puddles will be there!


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