Sunday, 25 January 2015

The Minecraft Art-building Competition

Awoke to find Bud on my floor fixing the Lego train. I helped and discovered I'd made a mistake in original construction, I also drove it off the table last week so I have in fact built the same train 3 times. All items have been repaired.
minecraft house with moat and lavaJof wanted to buy 160 hotdogs (for the School's Got Talent competition next week) and take some (duplicate) Lego back so we drove to Giant Tesco in Paulsgrove where they have a lot of heavily tattooed security guys on walkie-talkies trying to stop people shoplifting.
Because one batch of stuff was for the school and another batch was for the rental house that I'm sure we'll buy at some point and there's always a few things you forget the first time, we actually did 4 shops and got 3 of those 'X amount of pounds off your next shop' tokens but you can't use them the same day.
In the afternoon I hid away and because I wasn't being seen or heard, I got hours on Minecraft where I entered an arty building competition and did a house with lava and diamonds and fountains and even got mentioned in dispatches by some visitors.

Saturday, 24 January 2015

Butt, Plugged

bransbury park spaces for sports portsmouthHooray for Saturdays because I got straight on Minecraft and played paintball to get crystals to get a sniper rifle. I have a kill-to-death ratio of only 0.38 but gradually I killed enough people to get my gun and it was rubbish. It means I'll have to save up for a bazooka.
Did the bottlebank walk (utterly unlike doing the Lambeth Walk) and met Harry Mac at Tunnel Park so we went in and played football and penalties. Joined by a Year 5 and a Year 3 and Harry's little brother, we were the group to be in so I left and met Finlay and bought blood sausage and beat Jof home.
At last Ben was delivered unto me and we all took the bus to the dockyard which is why we were late and missed the first booked game of Laser Quest. But because we'd sneaked into Action Stations without paying, we flew a helicopter for a bit and did the flight simulator for free.
laser quest action stations boathouse 6 royal naval dockyard portsmouthIn Laser Quest you get to choose your own name but 'The Terminator Twins' was too long so Ben chose to be known as 'Bottoms' for the duration while I chose to be 'Butt', as you do. We ran around and shot everyone but the blue team went around as a group and did flying wedges everywhere and they won but it was epic and we absolutely have to go back. Ben was better than me but we didn't exactly light up the sky with our sniping skills. In the shop I got 2 more copper pencil sharpeners for my collection and we got one for Ben as well and Jof got lots of rubbish.
royal naval dockyard portsmouth shopAt the Georgian tearooms we had chocco muffins and were the biggest kings in the world on the fancy sofas and then ran off into the antique shop and oohed and aahed at the guns and swords and pickelhaubes and there was a clock for £13750 and a 15cm Russian naval shell for £210 so we didn't buy that either. But Jof found us and we couldn't understand why.
Now, you may not know us personally but if you did, you'd know us to be restrained, shy people, quiet as little mice so Jof opted to go shopping in Gunwharf rather than listen to any more of our incessant babbling about nothing and we took the bus home and sat at the back so we could play roaring planes with our pencil sharpeners.
At home we got them all down and made a base and had armed battles, because that is what you do when you're 9. Later we watched Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and I cried a lot when Snape killed Dumbledore. Then I knocked Jof's large glass of wine all over the sofa and the carpet and he shouted at me and kicked my Lego train to bits in retribution so I cried about that as well.

Friday, 23 January 2015

That's a Negatory, Captain

skittles game gone wrong bowling ball failI suppose I have met colder days than this, but -2°C seemed unreasonable. Jof told me to wear a hat and I spent so much time searching for my more trendy balaclava, I ran out of time and had to go hatless.
At school today we played 'Knives' where we (6 boys) had to stab each other. I got punched in the chest 3 times and retired hurt just when a huge pall of smoke drifted over the playground, lucky I was inside. But then I tripped over a blanket anyway and banged my head.
On the way home I stopped off for a Grade 2 haircut, lucky Bud had brought a woolly hat to go over my woolly brain.
house bought for student letsJust when I found a new Minecraft server that does paintball, out we had to go to view yet another house. Well, this one was at the other end of our road (I liked it so much I bought it twice) and we walked there and met the agent on the doorstep and the house has a lot of wood and plenty of nooks, crannies, unexpected cupboards and a full wall mural that I think will have to go. Plus the toilet was my size.
So for Friday-night-is-film-night we had little-known straight-to-Betamax movie 'Avatar'. I didn't finish it.
My swimming lesson is the last of the day and afterwards is a session for the cerebrally challenged, always something to look forward to with more helpers than patients. One is the really fat bloke with dangly breasts who smells like last month's laundry basket who insists on bringing his daughter into the boys changing room, and a not-all-there chap who just sits there playing with his willy while his social workers try to take his socks off.

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Political Prisoners: The 'Disappeared'

garage repair bill funny women driversWell it was a bit cold this morning and we had to scrape the frost off the car so we were a bit tight for time so Jof pulled in outside the school gates and that's when the police vans hemmed us in and the Obergruppenf├╝hrer stuck his head in the window and said 'We know you done it, miss, 'cos we saw yer' and we had to drive round the corner and the Sturmabteilung let me go and the last I saw of Jof was when she shouted 'avenge my death' and I had to cross the road by the lollipop lady with black unmarked Stasi helicopters hovering menacingly overhead.
So for the rest of the day I didn't know whether she'd been put on a cattle train in an easterly direction or had done that thing out of the Cannonball Run where you undo your top, lean forward and say what seems to be the problem, officer. Personally I think it's persecution of the family because they know that Ben 2 and I are writing Harry Potter 8 which must be a proscribed book, fit only for burning in the town square.
Well, that's what I told everyone in class.
So at going-home time I collected Ben 2 and we had the usual joint flight-of-fancy stream of consciousness all the way home but this time about spells. We have jointly invented Expelleondia which shoots icy daggers and extra syllables, Vine-ra which summons vines from the ground to entrap your enemies, Runro and Slowro which changes the speed of the user relative to his surroundings, and Bildo which makes a building out of blocks, although that one needs batteries.
looking up harry potter spells on the internet
As soon as he saw my house he kept saying how he'd never been in such a big house full of stuff so I didn't let him forget that by banging on about flexible accommodation and wealth of original features.
But soon enough we turned to the magic internet and sourced (or sorcered) a wider range of pre-wrought spells from Anteoculatia which turns your hair into antlers to Epeco Pratronom which repels Dementors. Spelling is not important to us Wizards, it's the flick of the wand and confident pronunciation of the spell.
And we pigged Maltesers and Haribo and he was retrieved by one of his mothers. Jof did return and apparently didn't even get a ticket because she looked trustworthy.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Painting the Town Beige (with a nice tiled surround)

colege gradute american idiot failToday I took Harry Potter and the Half-Wit Prince to school and finished it in guided reading! This earns me the 6th film and the right to start Harry Potter and the Deadly Hellos (number 7) and continue to write Harry Potter and the Professor of Combat (number 8).
But that doesn't matter because today was Take Your Ben to Home Day. We always have a long, loud and pointless conversation all the way home in which we make plans to blow something up, kill all humans or make a Lego creation bigger than the known universe.
boys playing lego trains on bedroom floorAt home we remade the Lego Electric Train track into a new configuration, pigged out on muffins and played trains and sidings and stuff.
As soon as Jof got home we all went a few roads south of our location to view another house. The show-lady had a funny pretend accent like RobertsDad and I strutted around saying how well built it was. I explored everywhere with my giant torch and got more than a bit fixated on Bedroom 3 which had no light bulb.
buy to let house investment refurbished terraced houseBut luckily they took my advice and offered cold hard cash for the joint although one would think warm cash might have been nicer. On the way home I wittered about what Lego object I wanted to build next and bleated incessantly about having to clear up the Lego so Zoe could hoover, why did they tell me to shut up? What's more important, buying a house or building a Hogwarts Castle? Philistines.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Fame (Fortune later)

optimist pessimist opportunist make money from stupid peopleThe park was all white this morning with frost. We rushed through so it didn't rub off.
Ben 2 and I are collaborating on Harry Potter 8 and he brought in the reworked front cover, reproduced here and © us.
Against my better judgement I agreed to rip up the Lego railway track that Ben 1 and I had spent so much time making, so Zoe could hoover. But tomorrow we'll put it all back in a new and interesting format.
home made harry potter bookMeanwhile Bud was in the doctor's waiting room for his NHS Old Person's Health Check for 50 minutes before called in, so fell asleep. Just like old people, in fact, if the woolly hat fits.
At gym today one boy in another group recognised me from this my wonderful online publication and called me Professor! Had to happen sooner or later, I suppose.
Anyway I was awesome and came first in re-grasps or forward diving lunges or flying reverso-cantileverets or whatever they were, while the sleet started outside.

Monday, 19 January 2015

Pick a god, any god

wobbly eyes on a card earthquake In school today, we had to pick a god, any god, and write a little descriptive essay about it. I chose Zeus, but other gods are available, all imaginary.
But onto the main event. Over the Xmas holidays, we were all challenged to read a lot. Ben said he'd read the most but spent the entire hols on the DS and only remembered at the last minute so only scored 30 pages.
Lucy came second with 400 but I wiped the metaphorical floor with my 500 and something pages, all Potter. The teacher awarded me a WHSmith pre-paid gift card, but it doesn't say how much money is on it, it could just be an empty card for all I know.
Then we had some kind of pantomime, put on by a visiting peripatetic troupe of turnpike troubadours who jumped, acted and sang. I'm sure it had kings and princesses and bad guys in it, but I'll be blowed if I could remember what it was, something like Peter Pan but not ...
Recently we bought a 15 centimetre Russian artillery shell together with a 15 centimetre Imperial German shell case dating from 1917, as you do. But when they arrived, it was immediately obvious to the trained eye that the German shell was in fact only 10.5 centimetres, and we've already got 3 of those.
trying to send a brass shell case by parcelforce
So after much haranguing and renegotiation, we agreed to ship it back to the original vendor (did I mention he lives in Holland?) for a refund. Having packed it beautifully, we took it to the Post Office who said yes, sir, that'll be £37. We informed her that verily, she could insert said shell, by jingo, forsooth, but she may have been a trifle deaf, because she looked quite pleased.
So we brought the shell right back home again, both a failed arms importer, and a failed exporter. Then the nice estate agent rang to say that the house we were going to view this evening had been sold to someone else over the weekend. Then the online payment for a real actual 15cm shell failed because the bank system refused to recognize Belgium as a country, something they've had trouble with before.
Then Grandad rang to say he'd phoned an old friend from 1956 who didn't remember him, but also could not recognize England, although he may have been imagining it. I have all this to look forward to. Later at Cub Scouts my name was drawn out of the hat to go to Scout Laser Quest at the Royal Naval Dockyard. But it clashed with my swimming lesson so Bud wouldn't let me go. I couldn't faerie queen believe it, and it took prawns, prawn crackers and a promise to Quest on half-term with Jof to mollify me.
My Zimbio
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