Thursday, 2 July 2015

Wired for Sound

new cat den and scratching post but cats sits in cardboard boxRain! Couldn't believe it.
You know those giant paper clips? Well, I found an abandoned one that was bent so I made it into a grappling hook/slash weapon. But then I thought a ear-mounted head microphone would be better, like the ones worn by the child actors in the Kings' Theatre Youth production of The Wizard of Oz.
With a few careful bends, it hooked around my ear and sat nicely in place, and a fruit pastille that had somehow escaped being eaten became the mike foam.
bent paperclip used as head mike with fruit pastilleSo when we went to the Renty house to read the meters, I stalked down the road whispering into my concealed head-mike "Target has moved into Sector 3, we got us a convoy. Control, patch me through to Agent P, the lion is in the cage, Roger, come back, good buddy. We're coming in hot, taking fire, get the medics to the airstrip and smoke me a kipper. Stand by, Red Leader, he's going into the Galleria, I have good eyeball. That's a negatory on the weapon, control, we need the detonators before we proceed to Phase 5. Have you considered double glazing. Your signal is faint, are you receiving me, over."

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Sandy Chafing

plastic water guns from majorca holidayextendio hogwarts penis extension spell funnyThe hottest day of the year so far, and I don't own any short school trousers.
As usual I took Ben home but Wednesday Park was not to be. When life gives you lemons, have a Lemonparty, we are told. But when life gives you 30 degrees, go to the beach.
southsea seafront shingle beach low tideBen and I immediately unpacked the bag of delights that Jof had made for us and posed with the double-barrelled shotguns we'd imported from Majorca last year.
So JBsMum dropped them off at mine so she could empty enough out of the car to make room for us and we drove down to the beach while the Carpetman measured our renty house so he could see just how much to charge us for it.
swimming off southsea beachOn the beach, Elizabeth joined us as if by magic and even Poppy set up camp 50 yards away, clearly we had claimed the best spot. This was confirmed as during the afternoon several other people we knew came and went.
We all went in the sea and shot each other with the guns and played arrow-tag with the throwing weapon and chucked seaweed at each other and made a sandcastle, well, more of a fort really and we trod on it anyway.
There was food aplenty and drinks and the sun started getting hazy but it was still warm and Jumping George and Fridge Fraser and his brother played attack arrows with us.
All things must come to an end so 3 hours after leaving the house we returned and went straight in the shower due to salty encrustments and sandy chafing of the crevices. I expect we're a bit pink as well, certainly worked hard for my sausages tonight.

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

We're off to see the Lizard

msn news website funny headline gunshot failToday was the longed-for trip to Marwell Zoo, partially paid for by our antics at the School Fayre.
marwell zoo hampshireIt was very hot so the coach was fun and sticky.
Some of us had been swapped between classes to split up the giggling troublemakers although I maintain that wasn't my fault.
We worked our way around the zoo trying to see the animals' willies and lots of us had cameras and Miss M said she was sad I wasn't in her class this time and she didn't have an official photographer.
marwell zoo hothouse tropical habitatmarwell zoo giraffe houseThere were zebras and meerkats and Oryx and buffalo and an endangered snow leopard and poisonous frogs and fish and plants in a hothouse and snakes and lizards and giraffes and penguins and flamingos and foxes and marsupials and an ant colony.
I tried to get videos of the meerkats but they move too quickly. At lunchtime all my food had re-cooked in the bag so it wasn't very nice.
meon school year 4 trip to marwell zoo hampshireIn the shop I got a polished slice of geode and a squashed penny: but then in a heroic feat of selfless spending, I bought a Souvenir Penny Booklet (£5) which cleaned me out, but at least my squashed penny will have somewhere to live.
The bus trip back was extremely hot so I scooted home shirtless and hid in the lounge away from the sun. I needed pink medicine for my poor tired feet and was unchuffed to hear it was gymnastics day. But then I loved it anyway.

Monday, 29 June 2015

Small Man Syndrome

chinese japanese translation fail engrish funny signAs of a few days ago, the council have started digging up the entire road network outside my house. Having stood around with clipboards and drawn patterns all over the pavements for miles in each direction, they have finally sent in the Polish workmen to do the actual work.
catching a yellow footballThe bit I liked was when we got home today and they'd left a note through the door saying "As we previously told you ...". No, they didn't. But they were kind enough to say that the 6 weeks of digging, shunting and drilling (to replace the traffic lights) would only include 5 night shifts.
So today I am 9 1/2 which means measuring day. I was specifically promised that this time I'd break through the legal minimum height meaning I could ditch the child car seat. Sadly I grew only 2 mm this quarter-year so I must sit atop the plastic charabanc throne for another 3 months. It's not fair, all my mates are interfering with the ceiling fan.
Because it was such a nice day (and partially to escape the roadworks) we did 30 minutes in the park, extended when Owen T. Destroyer turned up and we played ball-tag until I banged my bonce evading a ball.
I'd only been on Klash Of Inappropriate Komedy for an hour or 2 when it was Cub Scouts time. I complained that I hadn't had my chocolate and stated that I wanted to give up Scouts as it was boring. For some reason this did not work and they thought it was because I was taken off the tablet, like when I said I wanted to give up gymnastics last week. I sulked all the way there on the bike, to the Rabbit Stones where Ben and the JBs and I used to eat fish and chips.
5th portsmouth scouts on milton common reclaimed land
Anyway, Scouts was excellent, we hunted bugs and plants and played batbatbat mothmothmoth where 3 blindfolded bats chase walking moths who have to echo when you say bat and you have to tag them. I tagged "Fridge" Fraser because I could hear him walking through the grass. The guest teacher was actually a real biology teacher and he gave us pencils from his college.
We played hunt the cleverly-concealed bits of wool of various colours (to demonstrate camouflage) and I was the winner with 14 bits but my group came last because everyone else was pants.

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Wall to Wall Filet Minions

carpetright showroom fratton way portsmouthIn a change to our normal Sunday schedule, we all met in my room at 0900. Things have been speeding out of control at the Renty house so Bud went to paint it while Jof and I went to choose carpets. The smell of cat wee is most resilient so the current carpets have to go.
There were far too many choices, sometimes you just need it to be like LIDL where you get a cheap one and an expensive one and not 37 different makes with swatch books and colour coded charts and options to have it blessed by the Dalai Lama or have a traditional Cherokee Sundance ritual performed on it.
In the end we chose some suitably dull functional carpets and I was reminded of a floorcovering company in Ooo-Arr Land who were caller Walter Wall Carpets.
bob minions cinema advert vue gunwharfBut lashing out loads of money just didn't cut it for me and I got Jof to agree to a cinema trip. Minions is now out and was the talk of the swingpark yesterday. OK, it was very busy in Gunwharf but they have 4 screens and it was starting practically every 15 minutes so it wasn't long before we were getting squashed botties and being deafened by loads of Blatverts (like Blipverts but very loud and blatty) that stretched the very fabric of space-time in their banality and went on for ages.
The film is very funny and the Minions aren't very clever but the good old Queen kicked some butt and drank pints of real ale in a pub, as she so often does.
Afterwards we had food at Frankie and Benny's place and Jof had to send her broccoli back because she doesn't like it raw.

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Madness at Tiggleton Corner

civil war re enactment swordfighting parcticeJof went to work today so I took my time and got up with a 9 in it. I proceeded to watch Youtubes of Minecrafters with their bottoms on fire shooting each other. He got up at 1030 which was good considering I have to be at the Theatre for 1130 so it was Don't Panic Mr Mainwaring With Nobs On, we scuttled around putting up laundry and hoovering toast and I made it to acting with 12 minutes to spare, not bad.
In acting we had yet another new teacher and we mostly played games like ZipZap and Woops, The Teacher's Lost His Keys and Sitting/Standing/Lying in the doctor's waiting room. I played an old man who'd swallowed a nail and perforated a lung, and a boy played the incredible Hulk who had lost a hand and some blood in a fight with a supervillain.
the common play park southamptonThen we needed lunch so in an obvious move we drove to Southampton in the bright sunshine to investigate a new park. 'The Common' is a large green enclosure with forests, lakes, meadows and streams right in the middle of Southampton.
Searches on Google Earth had hinted at a splashpark, playpark and lots of bike paths. Our mission was to assess the threat to our freedom, eat lunch in 'The Cowherds' country pub and generally plan for an invasion. Even as we approached we could see millions of little people in the splashpark so once we'd ordered food I went off incognito on a scouting mission.
The kiddies menu in the pub had some colouring-in pictures of happy rabbits and hedgehogs and sunflowers so I added bombs and the soldier out of Predator with a mini-gun and a Harrier with missiles and the trees were on fire and a meteorite was coming in to land. We left it for the social services to find.
paddling pool common avenue southamptonThe meal was excellent and so was the splashpark. It's deeper than usual and has added fountains and some zorbing balls and we hit the swing park which has a roundabout, castellated climbing frame with slides, and a curious isolated double-L-shaped asphalted road system like an outback airstrip which was good for bikes and skateboards.
Nearby we could see a tempting ice cream van so I got a choc dip cone and it was very tall with added quick-set choc sauce and we went to the duck pond and there were a few ducks, millions of pigeons and seagulls, and a family of swans with 4 cygnets. I fed them some crunched-up cone off my ice cream and Bud kicked a pigeon.
broken boughs of oak tree on southampton commonWe saw rats in the bushes and a chap juggling skittles in the giant meadow and there was a fallen oak tree which was ace for climbing. I climbed higher and higher and had to be slightly rescued and didn't fall into the blackberry bushes hardly at all.
tegan victoria breeWe never got as far as the boating lake or the ornamental lake or the wildlife centre but we did see a sign saying protect our hedge-pigs so we called it Tiggleton Corner. Many people were having barbecues and half a dozen medieval warriors were having a swordfight under the mature oak trees by the long tree-lined avenue but when you're me, you get used to temporal distortions and flanges in the fabric of reality. A girl with pretty eyes and I twizzled the roundabout so fast, a small boy fell out, oh dear.
We will return to this hallowed spot one day with bicycles and swimming costumes.
I bought some fruit shoots at the bar and we drove home where Jof was tired so I elected to watch 'The Running Man' because it's all about acting. And chopping, and shooting, and electrocuting ... Jof finally put me to bed at 11 thirty-something, but who's counting..

Friday, 26 June 2015

Feeling the Fresh air on my Balls

health and safety at work fail funny In PE today we did juggling again. Now, I missed last week's lesson so I am a ball behind everybody else, Grace can juggle 5 balls with impunity but I can only keep 2 balls in the air. Apparently Nanna tried to teach Jof how to handle balls but she never got the hang of it and Bud never played with balls at all.
Personally I reckon that the skill would be another feather in my cap, like doing the Eric Morecambe catching-the-imaginary-object-in-a-paper-bag trick, or doing cartwheels. At supper I threatened to juggle the doughballs.
So, it is the end of another hard week, we all need some rest. Sadly Jof has to work tomorrow and I've got acting, but with luck we'll all sleep soundly.
In other news, the deputy head-teacher of a local school wants to rent our renty house so we'd better finish painting it pronto, possibly with the periodic table on the wall.
kids homework book with scribblesAnd Jof's hard work has been recognised again. She has been awarded a "Most Valuable Person" award and invited to a swanky lunch at a posh hotel in the New Forest, nice to be noticed.
I did my homework early. Bud mentioned in passing that I'd got so much of it wrong I had to do it again, the crossings-out and stuff made it truly illegible...
Recently I asked Grandad if he could make duck noises, he said why, I told him Bud had said 'when Grandad croaks, we'll be rich.'