Friday, 9 October 2015

A Field in Hampshire (in the Mushroom Season)

showoff juggler sets fire to onlooker jumperOne year I missed the Scout camp because I was abroad. This year I get 2. My Yin and my Yang are balanced, and I cleaned them off in the shower anyway.
So I did a day at school because it's the law, unless you have a whisper in the Elephant with a man about a dog, which is what I've done for the Festival of Christmas. But that's a story for another day.
mcdonalds fratton way portsmouthWe ran home and started. First we parked the car on the pavement right outside and loaded it up. I had to keep closing the car door to let my old schoolfriends go past and it was nice to meet so many familiar faces.
We had made 3 large boxes of wood and many associated burnable things of compressed cardboard because all good boys like to play with fire, and I've been doing it since I was 2 1/2. The car groaned somewhat but didn't collapse.
portsmouth 5th scouts group milton scout campJof phoned to say she was coming home early with a headache caused by my headbutt of 2 days ago and she'd been sent to the hospital by her work boss, and the Scout leader phoned and said can you bring extra tent pegs, or we'll achieve orbit when Hurricane Joaquin passes by.
I have been told to arrive at camp fed up with a hot meal, so against all logic, we walked to MacDougalls for a Chicken McMorsel Greasy Bucket with Chips. Bud does not normally allow this as he prefers to give me food, but this was a special occasion. I had an extra vitamin tablet to compensate.
Walking back home whilst eating hot chips, we met the alleged Jof who stole some of my chips and us chaps had a private bet that she'd spend 2 hours in the hospital waiting room, be seen by 2 different healthcare professionals and be sent home with headache tablets.
portsmouth 5th scouts summer campsiteI showered while he got the tent pegs from the Scout Lock-up and we drove gingerly (well, blondely, with hints of baldness) up the motorway in a very heavy car full of wood talking about Moore's law and space robotics and artificial intelligence and all the usual stuff.
The campsite was just the way I left it last time and included 2 of our old coffins (big boxes you can fit 2 five year-olds in) of wood we left there last time, but Abby (the girl with the big eyes) helped us unload and that's when Bud left and I got collared into putting up tents and that's when the proper Scout camp fun started ... Look at this place, it's so depressing with its mature oak forest and new catering tent and evening sunlight ...
I won the hospital bet, Jof is fine.

Thursday, 8 October 2015

Hurry past, Hurricane Joaquin

huge oil tanker run aground in storm surgeWell, school was pretty normal with ICT being my own personal highlight despite only getting 7/10 in the assessment.
I have an event coming up and this has meant some preparation. Jof has been busy buying wet weather gear, Bud has been busy buying gas-powered catering equipment and I have been busy breaking up second-hand pallets into boxes for burning on the Scout Campfire. Well actually I've been busy playing Minecraft while everyone else has been doing the hard work, but who's counting.
Today we gathered all the stuff together from the loft and the garage and checked everything off on the master-list. We knew that Jof would re-pack all of it and modify what we'd done so we just left it out for her, and that's exactly what happened, but it was all the better for it.
My travel toothbrush is clearly marked 'Formia International Inflight Products' and was one I salvaged from Grandma's house when she ran a guest house in their Dorset farmhouse, she clearly half-inched it from some flight they went on in the 1970s. Jof cleaned it.
Of course they say I'm going to have to carry all this stuff in my rucksack but I know they're kidding, right?
wood for scout camp bonfireThe Scoutmaster has asked all the parents to bring wood to help cook the chosen Cub Scout while the rest sing uplifting songs such as "I'm having Roast Leg" and "I've got the Short Straw". We have 3 large boxes of broken pallet, kindling from the Isle of Wight, some old rack thing that Jof found in someone's front garden and the first attempt at the roof of my Viking Hovel project. The Scout Leader will definitely have wood.
Now we just have to hope that ex-hurricane Joaquin misses us ...

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

god's Bogey

waldo in north orean army battalion failSchool was pretty normal with the Guided Reading and the Counting On Our Fingers and now I spend so much of my break inside I have developed little regular jobs such as summonsing the bad people when they have failed to fill in their Reading Records, opening the doors at assembly, and sharpening the pencils.
Wednesday Park did go ahead but it looked dodgy for a while, then the rain stopped and I met the usual suspects and we did some jumps in the skate park.
milton park skate portsmouthWe never go long without playing Giant Tennis Ball Tag and we are now well known for it. Many people join in with us, we don't know who they are apart from that they play Ball-Tag with us. Later we did the usual swing-kickball and one of the competitors was Owens-sister, who can look after herself, and another was unknown-girl, who couldn't kick very well but kept trying. Because it is a big yellow ball we called it god's Bogey and Bobert pretended to give birth to it, we're all normal in our own ways.
frshly laid woodchips safety feature council play areaRight at the end I declared it to be going home time and then Ben and I wandered off like errant Bedouin to the far corner of the park for ages on our scooters, I had a distant scootering idea and then he had a tree-climbing idea and before we knew it, people were shouting at us for making them wait for 15 minutes.
At home Jof comforted me and I headbutted her in the chin and she got concussion and had to lie down with morphia.

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Mrs Thatcher Lives!

nutkum engrish product funny nameThis rain never stops. It seems like a lifetime ago we had that nice day of summer.
homework vikings longhouse home madeWhile I was at school, Jof stayed home and restarted my homework, as it should be. Not content with our first foray into recreating a Viking warrior's hovel, she thatched a new roof on a new frame and when I got home I correctly identified it as 'Epic', given that she'd spent 4 hours gluing each individual reed onto it. It has the wet look that many a Visigoth or Hun would envy, and a genuine goat for scale.
olive green motors liss road southseaJof also successfully fancy-dressed as the venerable and pugnacious Mrs Thatcher a couple of New Years' Eves ago, and this proves that she could not only talk the talk, but swing the handbag as well.
I collected the car from the garage and learnt about 'MOT'n'Service' bills, being careful not to fall down the inspection pit or complain when the nice mechanic said he couldn't find a F***ing stapler with some C***ing staples in it.
In Gymnastics I got even better at complicated tumbling and can now walk on my hands without assistance, apparently.

Monday, 5 October 2015

Seven Minutes Late

no babies to be placed in dustbin failWell, school would have been lovely if it wasn't for the rain, which made it look like 8pm all day.
I knew there'd be tasks when we got home and my first was to eat 5/8 of a deep pan pepperoni pizza, which is a task I can do business with. Also I had to transfer my homework from the rough sheet into my homework book. This one was the "Think of as many things to do with the number 36 as you can".
Instead of simply looking it up on Wikipedia (where I would have discovered many advanced mathematical references for 36) we tried to think of as many stupid things as possible, maybe as many as 35 so the 36th could be self-referencing. But we only got 15, mainly because I was born at 38 weeks and our closest ordnance is the 37mm Pom Pom round. Life is so unfair. I did discover that I'm 36 years younger than Bud and that you can score 36 in one over if you hit the ball hard enough.
Then we hastened to the theatre where it was absolutely packed. I haven't seen it that busy since I attended the beer festival there about 5 years ago. The auditions for 'Jack and the Beanstalk' had obviously been advertised and there were about 38 hopefuls.
milton 5th portsmouth scouts group prizewinnerWe thumped up and down the stage and audience area for about 2 hours and I had to do the dance moves and forgot some of it and kinda ad libbed a bit with some repeated moves so I don't think I'll get a part. Never mind, I took the opportunity and had a go.
Then we drove back across town in the pouring rain and went directly to Scouts. Because of the time the audition was scheduled to finish and the time that Scouts was scheduled to start, he said we'd be about 7 minutes late but he'd miscalculated by an hour (a mistake any dribbling cretin could make) and we actually arrived 7 minutes before the end, but who's counting.
Last week we did the £3 challenge which is get as much stuff for Harvest Festival as you can for only £3. I did it all myself and got 13 chunky items (mostly huge cheapo tins of potatoes or carrots) and I won the prize for thrift because I made the money go the furthest! I got 3 slabs of chocolate.

Sunday, 4 October 2015

You can never defeat me

sainsburys farlington car park B+M homewares
lego disney buildable figures star wars I had a hallucinatory dream in which Bud was telling me something so I woke up and went looking for him. He wasn't in bed so I shouted down the stairs only to get told off for shouting down the stairs, just because Jof was asleep and he was making breakfast. I mean, he started it, most unfair.
We all went shopping and the whole car park was bizarrely full. I mean, right unto the spaces by the bottle bank, even around the staff only car park and yea, verily unto even the breast cancer screening bus round the back.
This turned out to be because old 'Homebase' which died and was buried along with its name a few weeks ago has been occupied by a new store called B+M Homewares which seems to be a pile'em high shop with stuff like bags of 48 crisp packets. Jof went in and walked back out again as it was rammed.
But to stop me going on Minecraft the whole time, she bribed sorry bought me a Starship Clone Trooper Cody KillBot with opposable legs and everything. I built it, gave it an extra long gun, did the old "You can never defeat me, Raarg" thing and went back to Minecraft. It is the way of things. Then Jof got stung by a wasp right in the bedroom.

Saturday, 3 October 2015

To Act or not to Act

Having fortified myself with an egg fried in my own personal frying pan (yes, I have one. Don't you?) I wandered off to acting. The roads were even busier than normal. But soon there were clues and commonalities such as huge queues of old people accompanied by lost-looking youths - it was University open day.
university of portsmouth open day studentunion The street corners had helpers dressed in purple with "Ask Me" placards and big signposts to all the halls of residences and faculties and the button-controlled pedestrian crossings were constantly active. More grist to the mill, all 18 and lost. Anyway, in acting we went over the song and dance a few more times and were told about Jack and the Beanstalk. This is a traditional Xmas panto and the beanstalk itself is hanging from the ceiling and I have an audition. But, the rehearsal schedule looked a bit full-on so I said I didn't want to do it. This might look like wanting to go to a football match but not actually watch the match itself but I was adamant so they dropped the subject until I could come to terms with a busier lifestyle. I chose to fill the afternoon with "Predator" because you've just got to laugh at the big black guy capping off 200 rounds of the minigun but I left just at the final showdown. We scooted around the block to clear our heads. Speaking of monosyllabic acting, I'm going to need a Dodgy Moniker (not Dodgy Monica - steer clear of her). I remember a chap called Danbert Nobacon (ex-Chumbawumba singer) because his name sticks in the mind somewhat. There was also some kid in the 80s who styled himself 'Jasper Moonbeam', although he is lost to the ether of yesteryear. Fortunately I already have a name, must register it at Equity. The actor that played Sub-Zero in The Running Man is Professor Toru Tanaka so there's definitely a precedent ... I was going to watch 'Starship Troopers' for supper but there was rugby. We lost anyway so what's the point..