Friday, 19 December 2014

Crime Fashionnel

holiday swimming pool diving board failToday is Christmas Jumper Day so Jof got me a selection, one that looks like the US flag of freedom (eagle not included), one with droids on and an almost Christmassy but quite restrained jumper, which I chose.
SPRING! The time for going up to a heavily pregnant woman and saying I know what you did last summer.
tourist attraction photograph with selfie stick health and safety failRecently I was watching Zapatou's Best of 2014 on Youtube and a lot of the base-jumpers and skyscraper-climbers use selfie sticks, probably the best use of this invention. But as for all the tourists holding up these glorified broomsticks at head height on the pavements outside our historic buildings ... hit me with my selfie stick, hit me slowly, hit me quick.
So at school we had the Xmas party with many snacks so none of us ate our packed lunches. Thus when we brought Ben home (BensMum at work Xmas party) we refused to have a snack at all. This is perhaps more to do with us both having too many snacks yesterday, I got told off for not eating supper and Ben vomited lots. But today is the Friday at the end of the universe so who cares.
We watched Best of Web 7 - HD Zapatou which is the mashup of all the best stunts, tricks and youtube wonders of the last year as put together by a Canadian. We liked it so much we watched it 3 times and in honour, made this, our annual Xmastime official photo involving 2 selfie-sticks which are actually spare curtain rods out of the loft. We are both wearing our Xmas jumpers of dubious fashion value.
selfie sticks pretend photo
Then we made a den (against Jof rules) and trashed my room again. When the giant tub of Lego we'd put on the chest of drawers to secure the duvet fell off, it made such a bang on the Edwardian floor joists that one of the lamps in the dining room died. Well, who's counting, apart from Bud who had to replace the bulb.

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Slaying the Ender-Dragon

tie up your children for xmas silence funny parenting failsWell a really boring day at school, we had 2 hours of praising and nobody was praising me at all. I've told them what I think of their religion and still they spout. Perhaps in Belgian schools they Brussels spout.
minecraft diamond sword and nativity manger scene in frenchAnyway we did that awful times table test again and I got 119, still not good enough. We all had to do Xmas cards for parents so I did one in French with Joseph and Marie, un ange, une etoile and the baby Jésus in the brazier in the potting shed.
But I did an extra one for Bud with all his favourite things ie a sword with diamond pommel, sapphire hilt, golden blade and blood, everybody should have one.
I am allowed an hour of Minecraft per day and while he painted I slayed the Ender-Dragon which entailed lots of burping noises combined with the bowel sounds of a sheepish yet colicky gnu. Tomorrow is school Xmas party day with added festive jumpers.

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

How many Roads must a Man walk down

i'm gonna tap that so hard looks like dead mother sexual confusion
...before he steps in some dog poo. About 0.3, I think.
Collected Ben and sang "Uncle Billy lost his willy ..." all the way home, where we played with my Nerf Gun, the one that I got from Santa who got it from Jof, that must be the circle of life people keep going on about.
It was dark and raining by the time we normally go to the park so we invented a variant on Football called Futbol, in which you lie on your back and play keepy-uppy with a balloon and try not to lose it on the Lego table or (for maximum points) into the bin.
schoolboys on bedroom floorlego table and medals on bedpostBut due to bad spelling we called it Fukbol instead, loud and often. My memory clearly shows that Bud says we can use swears in the house, but then again, that same memory does not show that last week us boys were told off yet again for me not finishing my supper after pigging royally on the proceeds of the chocolate cupboard during TV time. So that happened again, of course.
Then Ben played my Minecraft world but we did discover some useful tips such as how to eat, and hold your sword at an angle, so we had that going for us, which was nice.
Last thing at night, I finished Harry Potter 4.

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Hanging Ten, Folding Time

level 2 award portsmouth gymnastics centreteacher asks fat student if he ate his homework funny newspaper articleIt just seems like I'm waiting interminably for something interesting to happen, a limbo period between summer and next summer. Never mind, at least I have Minecraft.
bottle of rose wine fizz as office prizeIn science lessons, Ben and I built an electrical circuit with 2 batteries, a motor and a bulb, all joined by crocodile clips. The motor span and the bulb remained dim. When you put your thumb on the motor to stop it spinning, the bulb lit up! We failed to deduce the reason and Miss M had to go and ask another teacher. There was yet more cardboard to bring out of the car today, I got the triple shotgun which I dubbed the AK74 and he got the rest.
In gymnastics we did the thing where 2 runways and trampolines are placed in an X-shape and people from runway A and B run and jump alternately, like in real gymnastics exhibitions. Bradley ran across at the wrong time and caused a collision. But then we got playtime and I made yet another den-nest in the foam pit and I was on guard duty and they had 2 passwords to get in, DragonsNest and GoggleFunk, not my choice. I was awarded Badge 2, but not for the den.
Jof was awarded a bottle of Brut Spumante Rose de Salici, (which all sounds a bit rude) for being Most Helpful Person in her office.

Monday, 15 December 2014

A Terminator walks into a Bar ...

mcjobs sign for liberal arts graduates funny.... and the bargirl says, I like a man with a gleam in his eye.
Well, I got even more Xmas cards from my friends and we unloaded even more cardboard box components from the back of the car and only just made it across the busy main road carrying vast sheets of cardboard without anyone noticing. I pretended we were Cyberdyne Systems executives secretly ditching parts of destroyed Terminator without the No Such Agency finding out.
minecraft logon screen on computerBut then my wildest dreams came true, honest, when he bought me Minecraft on the computer after battling with the remote logon sequencer and the poxy proxy retrograde router and all those other little barriers that online vendors erect for you.
I'd barely killed my third horse when Ben arrived, he's an expert and was able to tell me how to eat an apple, although I did kill a lantern while doing it.
bluebird beaver leader retires milton 5th portsmouth scout groupAt Scouts, the whole Beaver and Cub sections gathered together in one place and unaccountably failed to do the parrot sketch because we were too busy attacking each other with balloons. Ben and I both did the 1 long balloon and 2 round balloons thing, what Scout Xmas party would be complete without a couple of gibbons jumping around with inflatable gonads. We played party games and Bluebird retired and was replaced by somebody's grandfather and we waved our rubber genitalia in joy.
OK, so I was too busy to say hello to Jof when I got back due to Love Of Minecraft, but she made me dinner anyway.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Mein Kraft

watching minecraft video on youtubeAccompanied Jof round the supermarket in a failed bid to empty their shelves of everything. I don't mind shopping and secretly added a butternut squash to the trolley because I saw one being used on Masterchef. Jof got Xmas woollen booties with tassels and bobbles and pompoms and I refused to have anything to do with them.
But all I really want (today) is Minecraft for the computer. I spend ages on Youtube watching 2 permanently surprised stoners amble around a blocky imaginary world killing skeletons and breeding sheep and using all the rude words and I want to do it too so mentioned it only 7 or 8 hundred times until I was sent out.
cup cakes with reindeer faces pretzel earsJof tried out her new slow-cooker and has made Reindeer cakes for the party and they're all strange in their own little ways, looks like someone's been eating the wrong mushrooms again.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Accessorise!

lino cardboard inner tube B+Q portsmouthUp late to much acclaim.
I really didn't want to go out because of reading Harry Potter but he forced me to so I sulked along and we saw the detached house for sale by the park, nice big garden but our house is nicer. Then we bought lots of cleaning equipment in big B+Q which is all for the new brass shell cases, French and German ones from World War 1.
Then he asked the chap in the carpet section if we could have a length of carpet tube and we were given six or so feet of tubular goodness. Apparently it's a vital accessory for my Xmas box, maybe it needs a chimney!
So I carried it home along the main road, attracting many confused glances from passers-by. Bud of course was carrying cleaning materials, not sure which one of us was most embarrassed. It was a lovely sunny day but distinctly cold: on balance I'd rather be back in Africa or similar.
giant clam and lambis shells from red sea jeddahThe last time I was 15 (1985) I lived in Jeddah (Saudi Arabia, half-way up the Red Sea on the right) and spent Fridays on the reef diving for seashells. Here I am with a clam and 2 Lambis shells that I pulled from the sea by Tafeah, very difficult to get the clam back because it was so heavy.
So because Jof was working, I read and Bud buffed his bullets and Jof came back and we sat in different rooms doing our thing, nice to have a house big enough to do that. Meanwhile, Pompey were being beaten at home by Accrington Stanley. Who's Accrington...? Then we dropped her off at Bens' house to go out drinking with the PuddleMummies so I chose Running Man for my film, I really wanted Alien V Predator but I have to watch Alien and Alien 2 first so I know the characters and simply didn't have the time.
My Zimbio
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