Monday, 25 May 2015

Recovery Day

firemans pole obstacle milton park portsmouthWe wanted a day off to recover from that 4 hour tether-ball session yesterday so I tried to do as little as possible.
We knew there'd be a funfair or similar on the seafront but I just couldn't be bothered so I cycled round and round the park because the pathways are smooth and we saw Schwarzenegger in 'End of Days' which is full of mad priests killing each other. Half-way through, Jof said the cartoon violence is all very well, but what about the rape scene so we switched it off and watched The Pink Panther Strikes Again instead, lots of falling down that made me giggle but films of yesteryear seem so gentle and pedestrian when compared to the action-fests of nowadays. Plus, there was no aggravated rape scene, we'd already seen the ménage a trois but the whole thing was a little difficult to follow with all those rival cults and holy seers and mad prophets.
The day of films did mean I was able to watch hours of Minecraft and I upgraded my Level 3 Lawnmower and I enchanted my Level 2 Toilet Brush and now I can get goblins.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

Tether-Ball Broom-inator

A standard start to a Sunday in the middle of nowhere, up at about 930. Jof demanded that I come shopping with her, even though she decided not to buy a Hoover (To buy or not to buy, that is the question ...) and we gave lots of money to good old Mr Sainsbury.
But Elizabeth Puddle had invited us for a barbecue, forgetting that I had personally killed her with a lethal internal memo just 3 days ago. So we trundled round and had to bash the door quite a lot because everyone was in the back garden and couldn't hear us.
I took the tablet but didn't need it. The JBs and I played spin-ball attack (with the Mourning-Star of Terror and the Broom of Doom) and when Beth retreated to watch TV, we simply added extra rules and invented Podium Tetherball Attack.
The idea is, 2 players hit the tethered ball and contestant #3 stands on the podium of death and can throw the gaily coloured football at one of us when we're hitting the ball, or waiting for the ball, or, well, it's difficult to absolutely pin down the exact rules but we knew exactly what we were doing and we basically played for about 4 hours, apart from marshmallow burning time. The BBQ had run out by then and our sugary morsels went untoasted.
The original BBQ worked well, we all had carbonized sausages or charred chicken or cucumber without Tzatziki and crisps and chocolate and FAB lollies and we also invented pillow-fight attack and so much other stuff that had to occupy the 4 hours.
Eventually tempers frayed and wine ran out and we wandered home past the teenagers in the park and I had to go to bed without my shower or the Sunday night movie, have to have one tomorrow.

Saturday, 23 May 2015

A Medium-sized Fire Axe

aylward street portsmouthWoke up at half past nine and barely got to enchant any diamond armour at all before we took a bus to the dockyard area for my acting lesson. Recently we discovered a new adventure playground which is a council-funded place of outside activity called Portsea Venture Playground. It's only a street away from my theatre so an ideal place to get some exercise and limber up for a hard day's acting.
We explored it and it has many towers and walkways packed into a single city block probably released for use by the blitzkrieg of the 1940s, so thank you Mr Hitler, we know a song about that. We played ball tag and their water fountain is very enthusiastic and squirted everywhere.
Acting was in a different location today. In a glorious role-reversal, the theatre was booked out for a wedding so we had the lesson at a nearby church. St George's church (also known as the Shipwright's church) was built in 1753 by several shipwrights and some hangers-on and following the urban clearances of the aforementioned Nazi bombing raids, stands alone in St George's Square surrounded by cobblestones.
shipwrights church st georges square portsmouth We got there dead on time but nobody was in. I banged on the doors and was lifted up to many windows and peered in but it was 10 minutes before our acting teacher deigned to admit he'd been hiding in there all along and we started the lesson. It was tough, I had to sing, dance, act and generally perform ALL AT THE SAME TIME, which was a severe strain, I can tell you.
Afterwards I felt sorry for myself and had a home-made pizza in the dockyard café and bought 2 new pencil sharpeners and we met a massive Scout troop from Chingford in Essex, 2 hours it took them to get here.
At home I waited for my Level 6 Public Toilets to mature, but at least I was able to sell 27 emeralds on Minecraft, so not all bad. The evening film was Arnold Schwarzenegger in Collateral Damage in which he is a heroic yet grizzled firefighter trekking through the Colombian jungle. I liked the bit at the end where he chopped the bad guy with a medium-sized fire axe to the chest cavity, and I asked will he come back again, because the bad guy always does, he even survived the subterranean gas explosion. After a supper of kedgeree (loaded with scampi, salmon, eggs, calamari and sweetcorn, pity the methane filtration systems) we saw the promised Galaxy Quest. I reckoned I understood the washed-up actor scenario.
The Eurovision Song Contest never fails to amuse, even after 60 years. Moldova had to give 12 points to Romania, or lose their water supply. Lithuania rebelled against Putin by only awarding 10 points to Russia. We got a point, which was nice, and Italy fared well even if the bustier broads came from Greece.

Friday, 22 May 2015

Lords on the Fly

apply cold water to burn funny ugly girlsSo today it was end of mini-term and a non-uniform day to boot. Or sandal, in this case.
The 3rd form have been studying Celts, I mean, that's so last year, we did it last year. We, of course, have been studying Romans.
Thus the teachers arranged a mock battle in which the crusty Celts had their shields and greater numbers and we had Post-it Notes and cunning. Yes, Post-it Notes. We got 4 sticky yellow paper squares each and each one represented Death to any Celt we managed to stick it onto. Using our brains for once, we split our posse into groups and Group 1 was the Tortoise. This well-known Roman battle formation made a lot of noise and advanced as a unit towards the cowering Celts and they scattered towards our Group 2 who ambushed them, attaching Post-it Deaths to the stragglers. The remaining cheese-eating surrender monkeys ran away but right into the path of the concealed Group 3 who mopped up the rest in an orgy of lethal stationery. I personally killed Elizabeth Puddle with a well-aimed internal memo and us Romans conquered the playground, killing our weaker schoolmates, it is the natural order.
boy sitting on motherI have homework. It is to determine my favourite animal, and write a datasheet about it and what I like about it, or some other lengthy discussion. But I have a problem with the question itself, in that I don't really have a preferred beast. OK, I like sausages so you could say that pig is up there. Jof likes to accost cats and talk to them, and I don't mind a bit of pussy myself but Bud wants to kill them all for being smug and poo-ing on the flowerbed and he has a point, so I am split on felines.
I DO NOT like dogs after one knocked me over as a toddler, meerkats are cute, I suppose, wildebeest, now that's just kinky, so what's left? Then we realised that my favourite animal might just be the Predator. I mean, he's got the shoulder-guns with the 3 laser-dots. He's got the extra set of teeth that go sideways. And he's a mean customer with the stabbing weapons and the camouflage jacket, and if all else fails, his arm is a nuclear weapon. Nowhere in the question does it say the animal has to be from this planet - Ben might choose Chewbacca the Wookie. What's not to like? We giggled, guffawed and wet ourselves all the way home, with children pointing and staring (but we're used to that).

Thursday, 21 May 2015

The Slippers of Safety

engrish menu item funny fail chinese restaurant gibberishToday was Special Menu Day at school, as advertised and paid for 3 weeks ago. So that's why Bud made me a packed lunch for today and said I wouldn't be getting one tomorrow. It went straight in the bin.
I just have to hope we remember that it's no-school-uniform day tomorrow.
Anyway, we got stuck behind the bin lorry on the way in, no sooner had we shaken it off, we got stuck behind a double-decker bus. Only in London, folks.
boy in attic retrieving cardboard storage boxesI chose the beefburger option (refusing to collect the proffered salad) oblivious to the fact I had already chosen it when I paid, at least I'm consistent.
First we went into the loft and got down all the boxes of curtains. "You never know when you'll need a second set of curtains" she'd said, and now look, we've bought a second house and need some curtains.
breaking up old cupboards with a rubber malletThen we locked ourselves in the garage and destroyed a garden gate, several bits of cupboard and a pallet. The gate was #159 and had a metal letterbox, which I destroyed with the 2 1/2 pound lump hammer. This load of wood filled 3 1/2 large cardboard boxes (good for 2 children each) and surely that's enough for the Scouts campfire. I broke the nobs off the cupboard base with a giant rubber mallet, see the way I'm wearing protective red slippers with skulls and crossbones motif, warding off those splinters, nails and flying shards.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

I Blame it on ze Boum-Boum

climbing rocks milton park portsmouthDIY man fixes house while waiting for the wife funny cartoonTook Ben home from school and all the way back, we talked about the Klash-of-Klans. He's been on there for longer than me so he's got a Level 6 Lawnmower that enables him to buy extra Terrapins, and because he's Gemmed up his Walls he can get a Level 4 Public Toilet if only he can save up another 100,000 Goldmines and steal some Dark Elixir from the Gargoyle.
Independently, we all find it amazing that our parents seem to not care about, or indeed, keep track of our Wizard Queen Archery Towers.
Anyway, we arrived at the park and played Tennis Ball Tag with Johnny.
Brandon joined in and is a replacement for Robert in that he voluntarily tags himself by kicking the ball at people. Pops and Lexy ran interference by stealing it and playing volleyball.
lego balloon with skeleton humanoid minifigureLater, Ben found an abandoned metal toy truck so we proceeded to destroy it in a game called Crash Test Lorries by throwing it against trees, pavements and the climbing rocks, knocking off wheels, windscreens and axles. It was a linguistic bridge too far to call the game F***-a-Truck, maybe we'll think of it later.
Taking them both home for Lego, it got a bit raucous and some of the Lego baseboards on my Crafting Table lifted and will have to be re-glued. Still, there's a job for half-term, as well as filling even more boxes with wood for the Scout campfire.
In other news, I have made a rather good Lego hot air balloon. It's on a stanchion for levitation purposes and the cage contains a skeletal rider for Death Metal purposes.

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Acting Masterclass

peepig engrish funny product failToday was a great day in that I didn't put another hole in my leg. Other than that it was great.
OtherBen and I have planned a new Spellbook. I know that the Harry Potter 8 project foundered due to lack of interest and the Potters' Additional Spells Manual ceased operation due to lack of impetus, but we are both sure that the latest SpelBuch will stay the course.
So far we have such rock-on magical potentiators as Diggo (instant trench you can hide in) and U-Go (snatches your opponents' wand and destroys it, nothing to do with van hire).
glen walford actress director groundlings theatre portsmouthInstead of gymnastics I attended the theatre (on a Tuesday?) for an "Imagine Big, Think Big, Act Big" acting masterclass with renowned stage artistic director Glen Walford, doing a turn as guest instructor.
We chose sea creatures to imitate and I did seagull and sea-dragon and octopus and although many of my characters sounded like angry wind-ninjas, we let the true character come out in a flurry of movement and sounds.
We learned to occupy the whole stage and run around owning it and being loud, not in my usual personality, but I tried hard. Then we acted out a mermaid story in which Tom falls in love with the mysterious girlie in the very long dress who comes to church every Sunday but disappears before the sermon.
I was Tom because there were only 2 boys in my class of 18. In fact the older group following on from my session were very touchy-feely when greeting each other so if I decide to stay on it might be advantageous for nudge nudge wink wink know what I mean say no more squire. I have already decided that I want to do acting every day.