Friday, 24 October 2014

When Psychiatrists Attack

man falls into sea while trying to get on tv funny
Not only Friday - but Half Term as well! For this we get to wear cheapo Mufti because we expect to get covered in paint for Diwali.
winter log selectionThe workmen have continued their construction of the seating area in the playground and just before kick-out time, were bagging up cut-off end bits of logs to take to the tip. Never one to turn down an opportunity, we begged one of the bags and had to carry it home, but now have several day's worth of log for our fireplace. Reuse, recycle ...
terminator 2 sarah connor nuclear fire recurring dream scenarioWe have now finished our topic and have been given a new one for next half-term: dreamscapes. Thus on the way back home, I explained the plotlines of Terminator and T2 in great detail to Ben to illustrate why poor old Sarah Connor had recurring bad dreams about a nuclear explosion ruining a good afternoon at the swingpark, and why Doctor Silberman didn't believe her. We have to make a little diorama-in-a-box about dreams so that might just be mine, use your psychiatrist here.

Thursday, 23 October 2014

The Madness of Queen Jaffe Joffe

car crashed by safety sign funnyIn school we had to play catch-up on our religious studies because we hadn't done any yet. We had to perform parts of the Diwali story which was good but Oakley and Ines and Ingrid messed about and by the time we got to our performance, OtherBen and I had run out of time.
lego model of big ben towerAfterwards we had a day off. It was wet so we just did Lego: I destroyed everything while screaming at it, he built the new tower which has now turned into Big Ben. Once the roof is on, technically I'll have to enter Ben from beneath, I'm sure he's looking forward to that.
But Dear Followers Martin and Zoe came round to investigate the house. Martin liked all my signed photos of stars, while Zoe negotiated a cleaning contract with Jof, taking on all the jobs that make Jof mad, for we don't want that, do we, children?
It means I'll have to clear my floor of Lego before Zoe comes round to hoover. Do you think I could hire a Lego picker-upper?

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Space: Only 24 Hours from Pulsar

percentage calculation funny fail cnn news graphicThe workmen in our schoolyard have dug their trenches giving a nice outline of our new seating area. This is delineated by a row of thick log posts sunken vertically into the tarmac leaving a couple of feet standing proud of the playground: they had a hilarious rubber mallet that was taller than me (but not called Timmy) to bang in the posts.
milton barn in park thatched buildingWe made our chocolates in class today. We used ice cube tray moulds, put in some chopped marshmallow etc and melted a bowl of choc chunks over a boiling water-bath to pour in. The actual designs we made may never be realized in solid form (I invented Roolo, a rectangular milk chocolate block with ruler markings in inches, and Ben invented Ben's ChocStraws which are strawberry shaped sweeties stacked together so you can bite one off at a time) but we printed off our designs.
After the bare minimum of Lego we hit the park and tried kicking the ball up the tiled roof and over the thatched building, Ben can actually manage it.
making a camp den in the park with fallen branchesWhen the JBs arrived we got distracted by a large branch that had been felled by the storm. We dragged it over to the tennis court hedge and built it into a fortress using other fallen twigs, and proceeded to beat the poor old privet hedge with sticks to make an escape tunnel behind.
In this simple way we were profitably and amicably self-employed until the parents got cold and we all went home.

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Psychedelic Furballs and Sinister Cyborgs

wooden shelter and play area in school playground meon school milton portsmouthonly in australia snake in dry wall of houseStuff Snakes On A Plane, they've just started filming Sharknado 3! I mean, srsly ...? Bring back Celebrity Water Divining ... on Ice!
At school today the men with the little digger are doing trench art of their own by digging a trench around the storm shelter. Looks like they'll make a walled-off area so that non-footballers can eat their lunch in peace.
boy dressed as schwarzenegger Terminator cosplayToday in assembly a small dog tried to perform tricks for us. It couldn't quite do a back-flip and had to be helped up, and when some Year 3 kid made a loud noise it hid behind the piano.
But the Halloween party is what I've been waiting for. My year gets the early shift so maybe next year I'll get to arrive in the dark and really scare people. This time I'll just go around asking for Sarah Connor in a menacing voice, for I am Cyberdyne Systems Model 101.
I walked there and got many admiring glances. The queue outside was full of the usual zombies, spray-painted pyjamas and fairies/princesses darkened to become witches. I stood out somewhat. You know that thing where you shine a laser pen and cats chase the dot? Well, I was just demonstrating the laser-sighting on my assault rifle when some toddler started chasing it.
Anyway, there were a couple of surgeons, a wolverine with only 1 hand, a gloop-monster and an Enderman, but I blew them all away, purely a personal opinion. Loads of people liked my outfit but mostly they wanted to play with my gun. Somehow the event wasn't as good as last year, you couldn't go outside and I hid in the toilet when it came to the put-stickers-on-your-face game because I didn't fancy doing the loser's forfeit. We all ended up doing it anyway (YMCA-style dance with booty-shaking).

Monday, 20 October 2014

Paying the Price of Reality

holographic display unit to skive off work funny jokeWell, I suppose the most interesting thing about today was the mini-digger. We are having some Astroturf fitted in the playground which requires the removal of a tree and lots of spray-painted lines on the asphalt telling the workmen where to dig.
lego armies lined up for battleThey brought a micro-digger which was really funny, it had 2 tank-like caterpillar tracks and a back-hoe digger bucket, but once the guy had finished digging with it, he could practically pick it up and take it with him. We'll have to see how much they've destroyed by tomorrow, because the weather won't be conducive to outside work.
I got a merit certificate for "being a great helper in the computer suite", not exactly an NVQ3 but a start.

milton 5th portsmouth cub scouts
The A-Team

Ben came over before scouts and we built laser-droids that shoot electrics using the Lego Star Wars 75034 Death Star Troopers with new blasters (nuevos blásteres).
In the churchyard we met the local fox (not Poppy, an actual fox) who stood there and surveyed us calmly. He obviously lives round the back of the church because we've seen him there before, all he wants is to be left alone in his average home, still made me feel like I'm in the twilight zone.
I'm in the swimming team, I only have to beat 1 person to get in the relay team.

Sunday, 19 October 2014

The Grand Splashional

Well it started a little slowly for Jof which was something to do with Tequilas apparently. But overnight we'd caught another mouse, making it 3-0 to the mousetraps. We have now run out of Jof's home-made flapjacks which is a blow to future trapping because the little devils really appreciated her cooking.
spanish oak tree by canoe lake southsea seafrontRecently I have discovered the joys of the café at Sainsbury's which gets me out of doing the shopping. I took Jof this time for a slap-up fry-up and we were held up for so long that Bud came to collect us having completed his circuit and put the shopping in the car and we still hadn't been served. We were not amused.
But on her work night out last night, she did the counting-up of the bill at the restaurant so came home with £30 more than she started with, even though she'd bought drinks and stuff. This creative accounting was a bonus for me as I got a Lego Star Wars attack platform with 4 minifigures and firing lasers.
Because it was actually sunny (and a hurricane is due to arrive on tits-up Tuesday) we cycled to the seafront to throw rocks. The unkind wind was very strong in our faces and we complained lots but Bud said be quiet. Having inspected the debris thrown up by the tide we were pushed back to Canoe Lake by the kind wind. I climbed a big tree and pretended to be a narcoleptic Ocelot which really takes me back, I can tell you. Jof and I had Magnum ice creams, for we deserve them.
eastney swimming baths southsea promenadeLate in the day was the great Scout swim-athon, a try-out session for getting swimming badges and to see who could be in the teams to compete against the dreaded Scout group that the JoniBobs belong to. The parents have been going on about it for ages, and now is our chance to meet!
We swam. We dived. We messed about. Jof got bored and walked home and Bud tried to teach Ben to dive but he may be a bomber for some time yet. I got Badge #2 and I'm in the team! We weren't allowed pictures of kids in swimsuits so here's the pool which had been full of kids having a laugh just minutes before, honest. Bud forgot my 2 day-old swimming goggles and had to drive back to get them.

Saturday, 18 October 2014

No Goats were harmed during the making of this post (Tank!)

military tank display german panzer On Thursday Jof said that she was going to work on Saturday. So even though she felt left out because we always do these major excursions when she's working and we never take her anywhere, we decided to do another day trip to a destination of my choice.
However in deference to her unreasonable demands, we deliberately chose a boys-only location of no interest to her, in this case the Tank Museum at Bovington Camp, Dorset. Football 'Arry had told us that he went there while having a holiday on the south coast so we had a decent recommendation.
Plus, it's almost all the way to Grandad's old house, but turning left at Bere Regis instead of right. So we left the house at 845 and got there 8 minutes after it had opened, a tradition for us.
The museum is located in the middle of a functioning army base, for the armoured division. Thus there are tanks left right and centre with warning signs on the highway about tanks crossing and tracks and obstacles visible through the trees.
main guns, tank museum bovington camp dorsetUpon entry, we went through Trench Zone. This explains why we had to invent tanks, because every time we stuck our heads above the parapet, some bunch of German machine gunners shot us and so nobody was going anywhere and the war was a 500,000:500,000 score-draw and stalemate.
So we invented this trundling ironclad behemoth of terror with guns and tracks and roaring engines and to be fair most of them got stuck in shell holes and caught fire but the concept was born.
There was a big section on war horses which is where Great-Grandad started his military career back in good old 1914.
tank museum bovington camp dorsetWe saw the mock-ups of the trenches on both sides and the first tank and the Mark IV and the Tiger and the Panzers and the Chieftain and about 300 more. Once you've seen the first 50 they're just so many steel-armoured metal monsters but I liked the specialities de la maison:
* The one that isn't a gun, but a flamethrower
* The one that isn't a gun, but its own bridge
* The one that whips the ground with chains to explode mines
* The one with 5 turrets, all with guns
* The one that was the heaviest in the world
* The one that's gold-plated (for Shah of Iran)
and stuff.
Most were British. But some were Russian, German, Arabic, and South African. Many of them had sample shell casings with projectile attached sitting on ammo boxes alongside: we liked the 75mms and the 37mms because we've got some in our collection but we're yet to acquire a 120mm round.
tank museum bovington camp dorsetFor food we had a packed lunch outside on the Kuwait Arena where some army chaps demonstrated how to knock out an enemy machine gun emplacement using stealth, smoke grenades, a Scimitar and small arms fire, but due to budget cuts they didn't have the grenades, Scimitar or bullets so they hid behind a small mound and shouted BANG until the machine gunners were dead.
funny warning sign near tank museum bovington camp dorsetIn school holidays they do rides around the arena in tracked heavy vehicles so when we come back (free pass within 1 year) we'll do it - only £3.
The shop is one of the main attractions for me but this time it nearly didn't work out. He offered the not-Lego Minesweeper and Rocket Launcher but I wanted the giant plastic tank with extendable 120mm gun. In the end I won but almost didn't. We also got special Tank Museum dark chocolate for my favourite mummy and a Kalashnikov bullet and a pen, because Jof always says we don't have enough pens that aren't green.
After 3 hours we left and tried to get back on the A31 east for home, but on the way to Bere Regis they'd moved the road and we didn't find it. It was nice to zoom along on those little 1-track roads you get behind Dorsetshire fields where it's only wide enough to get one goat down at a time (and then only if it's malnourished) but eventually we consulted a new invention called a map and regained the highway somewhere near Winterbourne Zelston, deep in the Ooo-Arr Hinterland.
tank museum bovington camp dorsetWe still had lots of time after our random unplanned polygonal detour so stopped off at Ringwood to check out their charity shops because we'd never been there before. Nice parish church, but no Roman numerals on the gravestones and no resident priest to ask if we could climb the clocktower.
Amazingly for October the sun came out so we played football in the park and Jof said she was going out with her work friends so it was Naughty Film Night all over again. Not that kind of naughty film, just the one where the age (15) might be slightly in excess of mine (8).
My Zimbio
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