Monday, 20 October 2014

Paying the Price of Reality

holographic display unit to skive off work funny jokeWell, I suppose the most interesting thing about today was the mini-digger. We are having some Astroturf fitted in the playground which requires the removal of a tree and lots of spray-painted lines on the asphalt telling the workmen where to dig.
lego armies lined up for battleThey brought a micro-digger which was really funny, it had 2 tank-like caterpillar tracks and a back-hoe digger bucket, but once the guy had finished digging with it, he could practically pick it up and take it with him. We'll have to see how much they've destroyed by tomorrow, because the weather won't be conducive to outside work.
I got a merit certificate for "being a great helper in the computer suite", not exactly an NVQ3 but a start.

milton 5th portsmouth cub scouts
The A-Team

Ben came over before scouts and we built laser-droids that shoot electrics using the Lego Star Wars 75034 Death Star Troopers with new blasters (nuevos blásteres).
In the churchyard we met the local fox (not Poppy, an actual fox) who stood there and surveyed us calmly. He obviously lives round the back of the church because we've seen him there before, all he wants is to be left alone in his average home, still made me feel like I'm in the twilight zone.
I'm in the swimming team, I only have to beat 1 person to get in the relay team.

Sunday, 19 October 2014

The Grand Splashional

Well it started a little slowly for Jof which was something to do with Tequilas apparently. But overnight we'd caught another mouse, making it 3-0 to the mousetraps. We have now run out of Jof's home-made flapjacks which is a blow to future trapping because the little devils really appreciated her cooking.
spanish oak tree by canoe lake southsea seafrontRecently I have discovered the joys of the café at Sainsbury's which gets me out of doing the shopping. I took Jof this time for a slap-up fry-up and we were held up for so long that Bud came to collect us having completed his circuit and put the shopping in the car and we still hadn't been served. We were not amused.
But on her work night out last night, she did the counting-up of the bill at the restaurant so came home with £30 more than she started with, even though she'd bought drinks and stuff. This creative accounting was a bonus for me as I got a Lego Star Wars attack platform with 4 minifigures and firing lasers.
Because it was actually sunny (and a hurricane is due to arrive on tits-up Tuesday) we cycled to the seafront to throw rocks. The unkind wind was very strong in our faces and we complained lots but Bud said be quiet. Having inspected the debris thrown up by the tide we were pushed back to Canoe Lake by the kind wind. I climbed a big tree and pretended to be a narcoleptic Ocelot which really takes me back, I can tell you. Jof and I had Magnum ice creams, for we deserve them.
eastney swimming baths southsea promenadeLate in the day was the great Scout swim-athon, a try-out session for getting swimming badges and to see who could be in the teams to compete against the dreaded Scout group that the JoniBobs belong to. The parents have been going on about it for ages, and now is our chance to meet!
We swam. We dived. We messed about. Jof got bored and walked home and Bud tried to teach Ben to dive but he may be a bomber for some time yet. I got Badge #2 and I'm in the team! We weren't allowed pictures of kids in swimsuits so here's the pool which had been full of kids having a laugh just minutes before, honest. Bud forgot my 2 day-old swimming goggles and had to drive back to get them.

Saturday, 18 October 2014

No Goats were harmed during the making of this post (Tank!)

military tank display german panzer On Thursday Jof said that she was going to work on Saturday. So even though she felt left out because we always do these major excursions when she's working and we never take her anywhere, we decided to do another day trip to a destination of my choice.
However in deference to her unreasonable demands, we deliberately chose a boys-only location of no interest to her, in this case the Tank Museum at Bovington Camp, Dorset. Football 'Arry had told us that he went there while having a holiday on the south coast so we had a decent recommendation.
Plus, it's almost all the way to Grandad's old house, but turning left at Bere Regis instead of right. So we left the house at 845 and got there 8 minutes after it had opened, a tradition for us.
The museum is located in the middle of a functioning army base, for the armoured division. Thus there are tanks left right and centre with warning signs on the highway about tanks crossing and tracks and obstacles visible through the trees.
main guns, tank museum bovington camp dorsetUpon entry, we went through Trench Zone. This explains why we had to invent tanks, because every time we stuck our heads above the parapet, some bunch of German machine gunners shot us and so nobody was going anywhere and the war was a 500,000:500,000 score-draw and stalemate.
So we invented this trundling ironclad behemoth of terror with guns and tracks and roaring engines and to be fair most of them got stuck in shell holes and caught fire but the concept was born.
There was a big section on war horses which is where Great-Grandad started his military career back in good old 1914.
tank museum bovington camp dorsetWe saw the mock-ups of the trenches on both sides and the first tank and the Mark IV and the Tiger and the Panzers and the Chieftain and about 300 more. Once you've seen the first 50 they're just so many steel-armoured metal monsters but I liked the specialities de la maison:
* The one that isn't a gun, but a flamethrower
* The one that isn't a gun, but its own bridge
* The one that whips the ground with chains to explode mines
* The one with 5 turrets, all with guns
* The one that was the heaviest in the world
* The one that's gold-plated (for Shah of Iran)
and stuff.
Most were British. But some were Russian, German, Arabic, and South African. Many of them had sample shell casings with projectile attached sitting on ammo boxes alongside: we liked the 75mms and the 37mms because we've got some in our collection but we're yet to acquire a 120mm round.
tank museum bovington camp dorsetFor food we had a packed lunch outside on the Kuwait Arena where some army chaps demonstrated how to knock out an enemy machine gun emplacement using stealth, smoke grenades, a Scimitar and small arms fire, but due to budget cuts they didn't have the grenades, Scimitar or bullets so they hid behind a small mound and shouted BANG until the machine gunners were dead.
funny warning sign near tank museum bovington camp dorsetIn school holidays they do rides around the arena in tracked heavy vehicles so when we come back (free pass within 1 year) we'll do it - only £3.
The shop is one of the main attractions for me but this time it nearly didn't work out. He offered the not-Lego Minesweeper and Rocket Launcher but I wanted the giant plastic tank with extendable 120mm gun. In the end I won but almost didn't. We also got special Tank Museum dark chocolate for my favourite mummy and a Kalashnikov bullet and a pen, because Jof always says we don't have enough pens that aren't green.
After 3 hours we left and tried to get back on the A31 east for home, but on the way to Bere Regis they'd moved the road and we didn't find it. It was nice to zoom along on those little 1-track roads you get behind Dorsetshire fields where it's only wide enough to get one goat down at a time (and then only if it's malnourished) but eventually we consulted a new invention called a map and regained the highway somewhere near Winterbourne Zelston, deep in the Ooo-Arr Hinterland.
tank museum bovington camp dorsetWe still had lots of time after our random unplanned polygonal detour so stopped off at Ringwood to check out their charity shops because we'd never been there before. Nice parish church, but no Roman numerals on the gravestones and no resident priest to ask if we could climb the clocktower.
Amazingly for October the sun came out so we played football in the park and Jof said she was going out with her work friends so it was Naughty Film Night all over again. Not that kind of naughty film, just the one where the age (15) might be slightly in excess of mine (8).

Friday, 17 October 2014

Living in a Town that Nobody sings about

jumping through hoops funny gifFriday at last so I did some Lego and Jof phoned to say please pick up all the shopping I've done because I can't fit 17 empty shoeboxes on my bike.
Once she'd got home she revealed that they were for presents for the Orphanarium. We do this every Xmas and do present boxes for boys and girls but you can't include bangers or knives or tanks or soldier figurines or anything else to do with war or refugee trauma. It is my job to even up all the pressie-piles to make sure they don't get pressie-envy.
 But my homework was Roman Numerals. I'm quite good at them and Jof and I set each other numbers to decipher. The homework was to find de facto bona fide examples of Roman Numerals in situ, habeas corpus or in vitro.
antique french book paris 1748 with secret cut out compartmentBud's idea was to go into one of our old churches and take pictures of those tombs in the floor. I have a picture of me standing on Ethelwulf or Caerdelfwulf or someone in Sherborne Abbey, and other 12th or 13th century places like Chichester Cathedral, Romsey Abbey and St George's Chapel (Windsor Castle) must be packed with them.
de la maniere d'enseigner et d'etudier les belles lettres m rollinBut Jof said why don't we look at some of our antique books. An old French one did the trick and turned out to be printed in 1748, not bad. But it has a secret, a bit like Tequila Mockingbird in the film "The Game". Ours doesn't have a Saturday night special pistol in it, though.
Then she found some lists of sub-clauses of legal documents detailing the second sale of our house in 1917, very chunky.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

(Don't you) Step on my steel-toed Boots

engrish product name funny shiny dog in salsa
Today was the much-vaunted chocolate show-off day. Thus from an hour before going-home time, parents various invaded our classrooms and we showed off the terrible no wonderful creations that have occupied our minds for the last half-a-term.
This included a chocolate box designed by each of us, a pile of demo sweeties and a wall full of Roald Dahl imagery.
I also brought my literacy book to the table and Bud mentioned my atrosh terib fupin' awful spelling a few times. My Religious Mania book remains empty, haven't recorded any spiritual studies yet.
giant sweets made out of wrapping paper for school workIn the afternoon we paid a dentist nothing at all to confirm that I do indeed have teeth. I did, however, show the ability to plan ahead using retrieved memories and forward planning, by requesting a cheese sandwich before the visit because you can't eat for an hour after the dentist paints the fluoride gel on your teeth.
Most of the evening I spent underlining how much I wanted all the items in the Lego Pr0n catalogue that came through the door, some are as much as £250 and plenty are £160. I have £17, so I kept having to drop really big hints about how much I want everything, and counting my coins loudly to see if I'd missed a £200 coin.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

When you hear the Air Attack Warning ...

unusual sex positions in toilet cubicleWhat a foggy start to the day! It was as if my brain was full of mist and murk. Normally you have to wait until you're a student for that.
Today was Ben day so we walked home babbling loudly about Lego cannons and grenades filled with crab guts and old men's willies that will fly into your victim's mouth when detonated. Some old dear walking the other way didn't know what to think.
Like last week, the Weatherguessers had predicted a washout for Wednesday Park but you have to give it the benefit of the doubt and we were right again.
Joined by an Erin and a bonus Beth, we played football and climbed and swung in the hanging basket with LittleMax and generally did all those things the Puddle Collective does.
3 forwards attacking one goalkeeperBut some background first. Both Ben and I had severely warned ErinsDad not to interfere in our game of football. He does keepy-uppy when the ball goes out of play and teases us and we got very angry last time. I warned Bud to not even kick it back into play, but to let us retrieve it and put it back in, for only we know whose throw it is.
Bob and Ben had a joint last warning to not get in a kicking-each-other-in-the-willy fight because we always have to go home when it happens. In the end, of course, everyone was absolutely fine apart from me with a tantrum and sulk-under-the-slide combo, when Erin tried to take my hat off during swinging basket time, slight over-reaction possibly. But then the predicted rain did arrive, and we declared it after 45 minutes or so, still worth it.
lego vehicles ready for warBack at mine, Ben and I set up for an epic Lego battle with a series of crack-bang magnificent men in their flying shooting drilling cannoning lasering machines.
But on the way in we found a Lego Xmas 2014 catalogue that had come through the door. So, for several minutes, 2 young men stood in a world of their own leafing through a glossy colour magazine with images of unattainable beauty and desire, going "Ooooargh, look at that" and "I'd like to get my hands on that, woof" etc.
Our actual battle was noisy and once he'd gone I had to clear up the debris of war, took me ages. On the wooden toybox by the window you can see the latest tower taking shape.

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Delirium Tremendous

bavarian beer festival fraulein with beer lego This morning there was a lamentable sleeping-in incident and I earned some afternoon TV for my part in getting us to the school gates on time in just 30 minutes. Maybe I'll ask for some Schrodinger's cake - you can have it and eat it, but you don't know if it's chocolate or carrot until you do.
Today I handed in my homework. While the Forum Moderator helped iron out the turtle-y cramp spelling, the rest of this cut-down version is mine.
Tom, who was a small boy adout 12 years old, most of the time he had spent with his friend Kelly. One day after school, Tom and Kelly had found old, dusty cave in the of a tall hill. The cave had been abandond for years and moss clung to the seeling and the walls were covered in slime.
Sounds like just my kind of place.
We learned Roman numerals. This will be useful for railway station clocks and working out how old a BBC programme is, but not for arithmetic.
one hundred pund note bank of scotlandWe also had one of the regular visits from a priest who made us sing a really catchy song about breaking down strongholds with the infinite power of one of the gods, can't remember if he represented a red hat god or a blue hat god. But in the end even I was singing along, that's how they hook you in with their outlandish beliefs.
In music we actually got to use bows on our violins! Although I have been moved up to a viola. We still make a dreadful racket.
This novelty item is something Jof found at work. I didn't know there was any such thing, might be a surprise if I get it for, oooh, I don't know, a birthday or something.
My Zimbio
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