Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Crazy Paving ain't all it's cracked up to be

how a pregnant woman feels fat with saggy titsToday one of my few Xmas presents has arrived, the Harry Potter DVD box set. I feel safe in the knowledge that it is my reward for reading all seven HP books, and blissfully unaware that my reward for having read all 7 books is ... to have read 7 books. I really must get some nicer parents.
I handed out all the leftover party invitations and half the class said they wanted to come as well, apart from the twins who said they can't swim.
boy using tablet and pc to play minecraftIn another leisure time earning task, I finished my maths homework so I could Minecraft. This entails watching a Youtube video of someone building components of a sandstone mansion and copying their every move onto my tablet. What I really need is 73 hours in a day, with possibly as many as 5 set aside for sleep.
In gymnastics I sustained multiple head injuries again because of limited tumbling skills and weak arms which collapse my wave function just when I'm vertical.

Monday, 24 November 2014

Ready Steady Cook

predator child in class kills teacher with shoulder gunRecently I've got back into cooking programmes because sometimes that's all Jof will let me watch. So at suppertime I sometimes say that I like the contrasting textures of the signature dish and that it could use a few more croutons.
accelerated reading class prize large smarties tubeToday I got Top Banana which is not a squishy fruit superhero but the award for accelerated reading, earned for ploughing my way through Harry Potter 1 and making substantial inroads into HP 2. I didn't know Smarties came in such a big tube outside of the duty-free shop.
In Cubs we learned that carbon monoxide is a colourless odourless undetectable poison, how to detect a fire behind a closed door and that if you find a gas leak you have to turn off the water supply. We also did Dangers In The Home which is like the Dangers In The Bedroom we did in Beavers, this time I suggested knives and stabbing weapons but I didn't do it in the Terminator voice so nobody picked up on it.

Sunday, 23 November 2014

It's Life, Gym, but not as we know it

portsmouth gymnastics centre alex way Struggled awake tennish for a boiled egg and mango chunks, as you do.
There was pretty well only 1 thing to do today and that was Dilly's party at the gymnastics centre. Jof dropped us off and went shopping and we were almost the first ones there, Dilly was late to her own party!
Because both Dilly and I gym there anyway, the list of attendees (Genevieve, Olivia, Siena, Daniel, Oliver, Flynn inter alia) was strong on gymnasts and 2 of us actually wore the shirt. It was also strong on familiar faces from my old school and so it was just like old times as we screamed at each other and told Bud to take his glasses off so we could beat him up.
portsmouth gymnastics centre birthday party We had the whole place to ourselves and we trampolined, ran around and generally got all pink-faced with exertion. The foam pits are ace for throwing each other in and having swordfights and stuff. I always make a den under the parallel bars support by removing all the foam, this time Adam and I ganged up on Eva, seen here retreating.
At the food time we gathered in one loud and noxious conglomeration and grabbed sweetmeats and small chop* galore.
portsmouth gymnastics centre birthday partyThey had a chocolate fountain which is a 3-level aluminium self-heating pot that continuously overflows with melted chocolate so you put strawberries and marshmallows on a fork and dip it in and wait for the chocolate to solidify and it goes everywhere but particularly all over your face. Some people put 4 marshmallows on at once!
But all too soon we had to go and Jof had bought some epic red baubles of 80 mm diameter so we filled a couple more of our artillery shells with xmas cheer, and Jof let me watch Last Action Hero. Then he said that I had to clean myself so much in the shower he could eat his dinner off me, which is something they do in Japan, apparently.
* 'Small chop' is west African for finger food.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Load of old Baubles

Up at 10, because I'm worth it. I chose tuna pasta for breakfast, because I'm normal. Dragged round the shops because I'm a kid.
Actually, I didn't mind that, because I got 2 Lego items in John Lewis but they didn't have any of the Xmas trees we wanted in stock and we had to order it online anyway, much more boring. Saw Erin's car in the Waitrose car park and I wanted to put a ticket on it saying £100 fine for parking here but it had gone by the time we got back.
christmas decorations for tree stockings icicles
Jof went out again for a magnum of bubbly for the PuddleMummies so I chose "Total Recall" as my Saturday movie. Then I went into the loft and got down the Xmas box and arranged the baubles and leftover crackers and stuff all over the dining room table and ditched half of it and Jof got home and ditched some more.
We have chosen an 8 foot tree so got rid of the old tired embarrassing stuff like the joyous plastic reindeer and the bits of tinsel that were only 6 inches long and the baubles where there was only 1 left and suchlike. The red baubles fit really well on our collection of old artillery shells, just making use of the things around us. Then I demanded that everyone stopped their activities to play Risk: I managed 20 minutes before announcing that I was going to watch TV. Then a further 30 minutes before I opted for Minecraft.
Why am I being shouted at?

Friday, 21 November 2014

It's a Deal, It's a Steel

cat attacks remote controlled helicopterHooray for Friday!
This week is Anti-bullying Week as well as Hero Week so I was part of a group of 12 who did 'Anti-Bullying' in big letters and made up poems for each letter and presented them to the whole school, which does not have any bullies in it, apart from the big lump of stupidity (IQ 74) in my class but they don't talk about him because that would mean admitting it.
Our 'My Hero' posters were put up and everyone gathered around my one of Arnold Schwarzenegger and did poses and went Raarg and one guy took his shirt off to emulate Arnie. Other heroes are My Dad, and various footballers.
builder renovations pallet pile of hardcore steel h girder goldsmith avenueGot the party invitations through the post, now all we have to do is find out people's real names so we don't have to put things like "Archie Football" on the invite.
On the way home we saw some builders renovating a house like we did with ours, opening up the kitchen by removing a wall and inserting a sturdy steel support. But their steel was hilarious, about 17 foot long and takes 8 men to lift. We looked at the house when it was on sale, smaller than ours but on the main bus route overlooking the park. Erin is going to get the builders in to open up her kitchen soon, I wonder how big her steel will be.
You know the thing when you just have to come back from a night out painting the town red and you've got a Policeman's helmet and a traffic cone ... well, challenge is up for anyone to steal a 600 kilo steel
just saying

Thursday, 20 November 2014

The Darwin Awards and other Tails

religious couple abstinence from sex you're doing it wrongCurrently I have just finished reading Harry Potter 1, the Philosophers' Stone. In it, Fluffy is a 3-headed dog that guards the 3rd floor trapdoor leading to the Stones' secret repository. You can't help wondering whether if 'Fluffy' had a Tinder account, that good old Cerberus himself would right-swipe her and get a hook-up invite.
Due to their ... unique phenotypes, they're just made for each other. But would their pups have 3 heads, 6 heads, or a range? Would any of them be headless doggies, and which would be more frightening? Aah, the genetics of mythological creatures, never a dull moment. As for the couple from Topeka, it's probably for the best, people that clever would drag down the global average IQ.
gurning boy smilingAnyway, 'twas a day off today so as per instructions from Grandad, I located Austria, Norway and Port Elizabeth in the atlas and determined that his golfing friend from the 1950s lives further than where Grandma is buried but not as far as Torquay.
The latest art project needs the outline of my head (don't ask) so I gurned for this photo and the camera got so close I'm all distorted anyway, like in the house of unreasonable mirrors at Wookey Hole. It is the face only a mother could love.
The cacti have made their annual migration indoors due to the temperature and we're planning on buying a new Xmas tree.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014


Wednesday is Ben day and on the way home he challenged me to dares. These can get out of hand all too quickly but he did a little dance and sang a rhyme and I was so taken with the performance that we never got onto any dangerous dares. I tried the dance but could only manage running-on-the-spot and singing DoubleDevilDare Ding Dong.
Because we have to choose the 20 people to attend our joint birthday party we dared each other to invite:
standing on junior baby swingsMy old friend BRICK and all his mates
Me old mucker SEWER and all his drainy friends
My old chum LEAF and all his frond friends
... Poisonous snakes ...
... Zombies ... and on it went, all the way home.
Jof had made new flapjacks so we replenished the mousetraps and took a box of them to the park where we met Poppy and Jessica and Edward and Owen and LittleMax and we all did football and throwing the ball at each others balls when standing on the baby swings, and all the usual games.
But once it had got dark we actually sat down and made a competent list of attendees which has been officially ratified by the paying parents and I have dared him to invite Jessica and he dared me to invite Holly and by Jove, we've got a full complement of 20 and 8 of them are girls, a very generous proportion for a pair of 9 year-olds.
doodle map of willy world boobs and butt rude funny drawing squirting penises
Then we designed Willy World which has a boobs and butt section with a Wee shop, Hall of Willies, Boobs ride and flying poo. All standard stuff, really.
My Zimbio
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