Thursday, 5 March 2015

Ods Bodikins

yo mamma so ugly she needs a prescription mirror
Did really well this morning by getting up and dressed by 745 but that's when I discovered large holes in my sock and also a large rip down the crotch of my trousers. I suppose it was in fact good to discover these holy garments before somebody at school discovered them for me.
dulux paint pot selection B+Q DIY warehouse portsmouthNot speaking of which, you remember the house we were going to buy that looked nice until the survey said it was falling down? Well, it's back on the market, at the same price, with the same estate agent, with no mention of the life-threatening and dangerous building work contained therein. And the agent told us they didn't care when Jof told them off. Bad estate agent, you're Foxing awful.
tesco fratton way portsmouth football club car parkSo Bud made me walk the Big B+Q (like Home Depot) to buy a little paint pot to do touch-ups in the bathroom and there was a deal 3 for £3 so I chose bright green and bright orange as the others so we could put them in the art box.
On the way home is Pompey football ground where they have sold their car park to Tesco. The new Giant Tesco is still a steel frame but Ods Bodikins, it's got some great ladders and I wanted to climb them all but the dour workmen didn't look like they wanted to share.
Ods Bodikins. Back in the 16th/17th century, people wanted to swear but the Puritans told them off, so they tied themselves into laughable linguistic knots. This refers to 'by god's nails'. When you're coding a reference to some imaginary toenails, it's time to step back and re-assess your life.
Tonight I tried out my new boxer shorts. They are MUCH better than pants and are super-comfortable. I danced around in front of Jof wiggling my butt. I also showed her the new Frontal Access Portal™ which she liked, well she certainly laughed a lot.

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Buying yourself a Commission

engrish product funny fail pink shirt nightie i love beer
Following my onstage triumph in the school play, so many Presidents and Heads of State sent congratulatory telegrams, I have decided to make the transition to professional actoooor (with the long O), and have try-out sessions booked at 2 local stage schools. Of course, like my screen idol Arnold Schwarzenegger who also lived in Pompey during his early life, I shall remember my roots when sitting in my mansion in the Hollywood Hills. Like back in the good old days when you bought yourself a commission in the army, I'm willing to let my parents pay my way into a lucrative career.
Ben and I walked home doing our new Zeus rap which involves having a large peanuts and was disconcerting for a granny walking the other way. So a large peanuts is what we decided to build in Lego until we opted for Police attack boats instead, which are easier.
As before, Bob rang from the park and said oi turn up then, so we attended Park Wednesday in bright sunshine and met Owen and LittleMax and Laughing Boy Thomas and we did do some football but it's so full of inconsiderate toddlers tiddling around getting hit in the face by our football we were limited so played army shooters, just like I didn't want to last week.
boy against girl in the world series of lovePoppy and Holly were there, dressed identically. Mostly, being girls, they keep well away from us lumpen lurchers but this time they stole the football and ran with it. To the untrained eye, this counts as a challenge to play Rugby, so we chased them and Holly ended up getting Mud McSplurge, but that's what you get if you play by our rules.
It was quite enjoyable girl-grappling, a refreshing new accent to our usual masculine manoeuvres. At supper I explained about inputs and outputs but they said I hadn't grasped it at all so we played Monopoly for a while. They're kind, mostly, going "Oooo, I just landed on King's Cross Station, I wonder who owns that" etc so I get a chance to ask for my money. But they warned me several times to pay attention and then all of a sudden I'd thrown the dice and missed out on £200. I got very very angry indeed and quite pink about the gills, have to see if I learn for next time.

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Rugrats, I've had a few

boy shoots arrow into fathers shoulder funnyThis morning was the Last Night (very Antipodean) of the Year 4 play and Jof sat with Bensparents and watched me perform.
She particularly liked the slow-motion javelin and everything I did. The fidget-monster in the front row had calmed down and I got a hug from Jof on the way out.
iballistic squid minecraft youtube videoIncidentally, Bensteacher Miss N said she'd noticed my Thespian talent and suggested I join a drama group or take acting classes. I'm not sure if there's anything more I could possibly learn but it sounds like a laugh.
At gym we all had a cabinet reshuffle, so I got a new teacher and she helped me do somersaults on the bar although it does constrict the old goolies somewhat. But she gave me the secret to forward handroll cat-jump stands or something and we did bowl-rock and arch-rock which was nothing to do with Meat Loaf.

Monday, 2 March 2015

Going for Gold!

how long does the baby have to charge up kid failWell, it might be Monday. It might be March. But all that really matters is that it's opening night for the Year 4 production of "Going for Gold"!
We've been practising for weeks and lots of my top buddies have major roles but I had the most lines, probably because Miss M noticed I can't keep my trap shut.
There were songs! There were dances! People forgot their lines! Children of limited attention spans fidgeted and gurned! Everybody was epic!
To be fair, it was a triumphant production as led by us senior Thesps and some of the songs went on a bit, but you try and organise an all-inclusive for 90 kids and see if you can do better than the ever-bouncing Miss M.
As with all these things, everybody in the Year Group has to have a role so there were quite a lot of dancers, villagers and choir.
going for gold school play We went live to the Swift household where a man dressed as an undertaker reported that champion athlete Suzie had pulled out of the games.
My job was to persuade her to re-enlist by explaining the origins of the games, while Mildred offered tea, Dad was recalcitrant and troubled teen Porsche got in the way and then we whizzed back in time for some Spartan shenanigans.
Gods various insulted each other, Finlay was Poseidon with a fishy body odour issue and Hades stirred up trouble with planted swords and a whisper in the Elephant.
Eddie and his family lifted various farm animals for weight training and there were musical interludes aplenty. Did I mention that I had the largest part? Well anyway, I prompted Ingrid a few times but I'm sure nobody noticed.
Owen and Eddie were perfectly cast as Spartan Rent-a-Thugs and the guy at the front in the striped T-shirt was so pleased to be there, he kept waving to Mummy while standing on one leg which was only marginally successful.
mrs overalls impression and gurning kids in school play productionI did some leg-rubbing during my lengthier speeches and at one point Bud made advisory eye-contact with me as I was swaying from side to side while declaiming.
Zeus remembered his rap at last which is good going because he's got the second largest part in the performance, after me of course, know what I mean ladies.
Ben and Braddles had an epic slow-motion race to the Chariots of Fire music and I always support him but in the script he loses.
The ancient Greek Funk-dancers came on and Pops was best.
At the end Ben did the thank you for attending speech and it was all over, after 58 minutes (as athletics trainer, I have a stopwatch). But then, Mr Burble the teacher came on and added another 8 minutes of effusive congratulatory speeches. Jof gets to watch our last performance tomorrow.
After all this excitement, I don't know what we're going to do for the rest of the term, might have to resort to actual schoolwork!
In Scouts we can't enter the football tournament because there's not enough of us, and I got a Community badge for visiting the Mosque. That makes 7 badges that Jof's got to sew on. Bad mummy.

Sunday, 1 March 2015


donutting and ski practiceI welcomed March with omelette and Minecraft, why not. Johnny reaches double figures today or thereabouts, 10 years old is practically an adult. His party was at Alpine Snowsports in Bassett, a forgotten armpit of Southampton. All us Puddlers compete gently to find the funniest party venues, we've done the inflatable pool parties a few times now so Johnny pushed the envelope with Donutting! Yes, you have to spell it in the American fashion.
I scooted round to his house and 10 of us lucky boys squeezed into their 2 cars and hardly got lost in Southampton at all. The Outdoor Centre is a huge place on actual hills (we don't have hills in Pompey) with football pitches, running tracks, tennis courts, a funfair, a large swimming pool with no water, and a dry ski slope.
dry ski slope with inflatable inner tubesThe car park is completely hidden down a dirt track with potholes you could sink the Ark Royal in, you could see the burnt-out carcases of dead cars in the ravines below and there's a number you can ring for Mountain Rescue if your friends go missing for more than a week.
You can see here that on the left is a nursery slope for novice skiers: on the right is a super-long ski slope for the competent ones, and in the middle is the medium-sized Donut run. At the bottom is a huge padded crash barrier and any random trees on the slopes (how dare they grow there) also have their own crash pads.
But one of the funniest bits is the ski lift. Once you've been issued with your Donut and a crash helmet, you wait for a free pole on the ski-lift-that-never-stops and sit on the disc and it pulls you up the slope.
donutting party at dry ski slope southamptonIt does squash your nuts a bit but you clench your bum a bit and off you go. At the top you wait your turn and get into pairs or even threesomes. I can tell you that a threesome is great fun. A helper-bloke says when it's OK to go and you push yourself off with some little handles and you zip down the slope at an impressive rate and mostly you scream and end up going backwards and you hit the crash barrier and then your running-mate hits you as well.
Then, immediately, you scramble back on your feet and race back to the ski lift and you just go round and round and round for an hour. We were one of 2 parties and there was another kid in his forties so you don't have to be 9 to enjoy it.
Fighting the good fight with me today were Johnny and Robert (obviously), Ben, Louie from Cubs and some more of Johnny's friends. Mostly I teamed up with Ben and we laughed and laughed. There was quite a keen cold wind but you don't notice that sort of thing when the Helper-bloke starts pushing you down the slope while spinning you round and round just before the party food.
It's all very very funny indeed and clearly we all want to do it again for hours.
The Alpine Hut is the food venue and afterwards I was delivered home again and both Ben and I wanted to play Minecraft on his X-Box but it seems that US wanting something does not an appointment make.
So I Minecrafted to myself.

Saturday, 28 February 2015

A Life is like a Garden

henry 8ths cannon 1535 mary rose museum portsmouthGoodbye Spock.
Today Jof went to work so we planned a trip out that she wasn't interested in. The Mary Rose was one of Henry the 8th's favourite warships and she sank in the Solent 500 years ago while defending against those naughty French people.
Half of it sank into the mud and was preserved, the stick-up half of it got eaten away by marine life and tides, so the purpose-built museum is ship-shaped and you get to walk through the missing bits of hull and decks and see the planks and spars and bulkheads and so forth that were recovered.
We got the magic all-day bus ticket and at the dockyard I squashed a couple of pennies to add to my souvenir collection and did the Mary Rose tour. It is very worthy, hugely valuable, from an archaeological and reference point of view, and has been lovingly recreated and salvaged at great cost to the nation, giving a vital window onto 16th century life and technology.
16th century wooden warship henry 8thBut unlike the Warrior, Alliance or Victory, you just can't climb up it and get busy with it, because it's a wreck in preservative solution behind glass with big air pipes everywhere.
This dog is called 'Hatch' and he ate rats for a living but went down with his ship.
skeleton of 16th century dog aboard mary rose portsmouth historic dockyardBut we liked the cannons and the axes and the gold coins and skulls and stuff. It was also full of kids (who'd have 'em?) including a couple of loud girls ("lookit skelington, mummeee, lookit, it's really scary..." but eventually we left them to it and I bought a sword in the shop and we wandered off.
They've built a new bit of museum since we were last there so we climbed up the Bofors 40mm (got 2 of those) and squashed some more pennies and played minehunting in the room with the torpedoes and didn't meet Elizabeth's mum.
tymeagain sword master's great wooden toy swordIn the food halls with boats hanging off the roof I had adult-sized fish'n'chips but they'd run out of adult-sized fish so I had 2 fried kids instead. Outside the toilets are some old-style vintage coin-operated games like they had on Blackpool pier and we saw a man drop a 1 pound coin under one of these mechanical Turks so we waited for him to go and then we 'found' it. Also I got a copper pencil sharpener in the shape of a lighthouse and we got the bus to Victoria park.
I like that park because of the big rope climbing frames and we were just playing the bit in Terminator 2 in the Pescadero State Mental Hospital lift by stabbing through the ropes as I climbed along it when he stabbed me in the eye with the sword but it didn't stop us finding another £1 coin.
After I'd bought some pyjamas in M&S (you've just gotta hate those junior manikins, lucky I was armed) we popped into Jof's work to make her smile and watched Rambo: First Blood for Film Afternoon. Jof demanded choccie cake and the film "What's up Doc" which was funny.
changing to new monopoly board and keeping vintage hotelsWe were supposed to watch "Trading Places" for film night but I outvoted and we played Monopoly.
The last time we played, the board was a bit elderly and decrepit so we bought a new one and promised to salvage the playing pieces and hotels etc from the old board, bought by Jof's parents 25 or so years ago. The set had had a good run, I suppose, so we christened the new board and salvaged as promised. I was the wheelbarrow, Jof went for the Cat, and Bud stuck with the old hat. There are a few new cards and sub-rules, so look out!

Friday, 27 February 2015

I can feel a Good One Coming On

Well, it might not be six-packs and guitars around the camp fire and skinny-dipping in the lake 'till dawn, but it'll be a good weekend anyway.
We did our final rehearsal and Zeus still doesn't know his rap and they say that if anybody fails to learn their lines they'll be replaced by their own personal understudy from Year 5. Poppy is a Funk Dancer, I'd kinda like to Funk with her but I'm really not a good enough dancer.
It was lovely and sunny and warm when I got out of school so I celebrated with an hour sat in front of the computer watching Youtube videos of Minecraft. Of course, as soon as Bud goes out of the room I could be watching Spanking Nuns with Fabulous Funbags College Sleepover Special but I'm not, honest. I can report that I liked Jof's kedgeree so much I asked for seconds.
flint and concrete inlay brick wall. stone groove, manIn swimming today one of the chaps who get their own social worker locked himself in the toilet and pressed the "Help" tweeter-button repeatedly while his pet helper said Open the door, Norbert (names have been changed etc).
Well, I leave you with the Zeus Rap. Imagine, if you will, the backing track going Chumf-a-scratch-a-dumf-dumf-scratch (plank) a-chumf-a-scratch-a-dumf-dumf-scratch and a competent Rap Artist performing thusly:
I'm Zeus / I'm the Master
I'm like an Arrow from a Bow but I'm Faster
I'm the Leader of the Pack / So you'd better Watch your Back
Or you'll face a Zeus Attack! / I'm Back!