Monday, 31 January 2011

January. But not for long

Mr Men with a difference, new inappropriate characters comfort eater chronic fatigue syndromeO joyous day. Blind Uncle Len did me another £2000 on the tax-free children's bonds, that's the 6th year he's invested for me. By the time I want to buy a house, I may be able to afford it! I hope the sprightly 91 year-old lives a long time. I wrote him a thank you letter in which I drew a picture of a £2 coin - currently the largest amount of money I can visualize. If he truly did have the girlfriend I drew for him last month (tall, thin, bright red hair) I doubt he'd make it through to the next tax year.
This afternoon I planned to play "shop" so got all my toys out (this covers several hectares) as merchandise. I got distracted by a small train I found in my blue bucket of random small items and played with that until it was time to put everything away again.
I can't wait to have a shower. Having a bath is all very well but having to wear a Tesco bag sellotaped to your arm which must always hang out over the side is getting a bit old.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

A roundelay in Arundel

concrete bunker pill box outpost by hayling island golf clubWell, no. It was lucky Jof checked the leaflet from Arundel Castle and found it doesn't open until April. It was a great plan to go somewhere as a family (instead of just the supermarket) but we were thwarted.
sand dunes and marram grass, hayling islandSo mostly we bimbled around doing small jobs but you can't spend the whole day hoovering and laundrying so we decided on a backup plan - Hayling Island on the ferry. We finally made it for the 3pm sailing and wandered along the beach made of shells and threw rocks into the sea (we do this so much I wonder if we've thrown the same rock in more than once). Hayling has some quality sand dunes so we played hide-and-seek in the same places as 2 years ago.
This new purple plaster is better than the old temporary one: it's properly solid so when I fell flat on my face twice running to hide in the sand dunes I just got up and carried on: it's smoother so I can get shirtsleeves and coat sleeves over it so you'd be hard pushed to notice I'm wearing a plaster: and it's lighter so I don't have to use the sling. I can recommend it to anyone.
sand bar outside langstone harbour at low tideThe tide was just coming in but it was still low enough to walk out on the lengthy sandbars that stick right out into the sea. We found many horse hoof-prints and there were hot and cold running dogs. Then a forced route march back to the ferry to make sure we got it (yes, we could have spent an hour in the pub if we'd missed it) and a welcome sofa at home. Before casting off, the ferry driver climbed onto the outside of the boat out of sight of the passengers and people on shore. I was looking out of the window when he unzipped and urinated copiously over the side, I announced this to the passengers, all of whom had bikes. I guess if you're a ferryman, the sea is your toilet.

Saturday, 29 January 2011

Mephistopheles' magick mangelwurzel

flagship HMS Victory in Portsmouth showing rigging
Rigging frenzy

Jof was at work today so I had a monopoly on Bud's time. We did the usual bottlebank walk but the wind was biting and it just wasn't fun any more. After some random foodstuffs we set out on the main trip of the day - a victorious return to the dockyard to revisit the shops without 5,000 followers. I hoped they had forgotten me from when I pulled over the keyring display and ran away, I promised I'd remain quiet and invisible for the shop for over 12s only. Well, it was still cold but special tricks (pyjama bottoms under my trousers and a glove on my plastered hand) meant I didn't get chilblains and a countersunk willy so that was nice.

decommissioned plastic hulled minesweeper, Portsmouth basin
Ark Royal was still there but had moved to a further dock and was now off-limits. We didn't buy the super-expensive entry-to-everything ticket but come the summer we might. We toured and bought badges, coins, pen, rubber, little Henry 8th statuette and a submarine for the bath, ie all the usual little stuff that wasn't too expensive but 5 year-olds love.
Then we dropped in on Jof at work and went home for 2nd lunch (sausages) at about 4pm.
Because of the bath toy purchase, I absolutely had to try it out. I can recommend holding the propeller right on the surface of the water and dripping bubble bath onto it.....

Bonus Vid - bath sub action

Friday, 28 January 2011

A day of renewal

surrounded by jugsGot to the hospital by 0830.
In what I consider to be a ****ing travesty and totally against what those turdburglars Jof and Bud have promised me, I am now the proud owner of a new and purple plaster which has to remain on for another week. It turns out I did break my arm, not just sprain it so that's something to crow about. Because I've already done 2 weeks inside I've only got 1 more week (time off for good behaviour) till parole, I got them Cotton County jailhouse blues.
I shall attend the 2 parties in defiance of my injured status but don't expect me to be swinging on lianas, although I may be swinging with Liana, that cute brunette in the year above.
Bud notes that by the time we get back from Ben's party he will already be 2 hours behind on lager night so he's sure to go straight to hotrum night, expect an ebullient and incandescent bathtime.
stealing chips at birthday party in soft play kids area
My plate is empty. This is not my plate, my plate was full....
So. Jof took me to Olivia's party at KrezziCaves on foot. I fought and climbed and slid and chased and wore her out, because she thought she had to follow me everywhere to make sure I didn't break my other arm. Did my broken arm stop me? Did it Buttox. 
injured soldier with girlfriend soft play area party for kids
Obviously I took advantage of this source of help and got her to lift me over obstacles I could easily have circumvented like the famous Maginot line and eventually she tired and left me to it. I made sure that one flailing plastered limb caught her a good clout round the face to teach her a lesson.
Bud came to meet us just as the climbing session was over (applause for timing) and we all (we're talking an entire reception year class here) squeezed into one party room (no room for adults). I finished my own meal and started stealing food from my namesake and neighbour BigMax - eat it or beat it, I say.
ball pit of doomHe performed his usual display of ketchup dispensing and general idiocy and made my classmates giggle. But before you know it..... we decamped to go to party # 2 - my old mate Ben back in Horizones in Havant Leisure Centre - a splendid venue staffed with professional operatives where I just so happened to break my own arm a fortnight ago. Did this adverse event stop me? Did it buttox. The JoniBobs were in their usual attire - Johnny in his naval shirt and Bob was a Pirate (when isn't he?)
Climbed and slid and fought and attacked and etc and at the end of it, Bud was a sweaty dead person.
fizzing birthday cake at kids birthday partySo many people of my height see him as a legitimate target, don't know why.
Finally it was time for the cake thing with the candles and a small firework and the song in 7 opposing keys (mostly flat) and then we left.
Thanks to Bensmum for another top-quality bash, didn't know too many people there but a lot of the important ones were there. Haven't seen Erin for a while - hope she's OK.
We raced the Poppies home and seemed to win but given their head start they probably went somewhere else.
Bed by 2140 after a much-needed bath.
More fun tomorrow - but with a purple plaster.....
too high to get over too low to get under
Face your fears: the obstacle that broke my arm

Thursday, 27 January 2011

D-Day minus one

contradictory country signpost - sign not in use, dorsetManaged 2 words before collapsing in a sulk. I have lost all interest in writing my story, I want to play with my aircraft carrier, digger, planes etc and when Bud finally persuaded me to sit down, I instantly decided that what he was doing was much more interesting and that's the end of it. He went upstairs leaving me in the dark and I followed him to write a letter to Jof. It's difficult writing a private letter to Jof beseeching her to get Bud to play with me again instead of going on about my writing when you have to ask him how to spell all the words.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

The mirage of Figaro

funny advert, nokia, misspelt billboard
It's only 2 more school days until my plaster comes off but it always seems to be just over the next sand dune.
Well, another few lines completed on the "Jack and the Beanstalk" project, it's taking a while.
On the way home we diverted to a building site near the JoniBob's house where a large digger was chopping up the concrete base of an empty lot that has been unused for ages apart from lorry parking and car washing.
Bud was watching Stargate earlier and I was frightened of the Tok'Ra leader who oscillated between shrill and unsure and basso profundo and dictatorial with flashing eyes. He says that's strange considering I laughed at Terminator 2 and stood right on the edge of an aircraft carrier 100 feet above Portsmouth Harbour.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

The curious incident of the boy in the night time

boy caught on fence wedgieSpoke in tongues in the middle of the night. I think it's further evidence that I may be a great prophet but Bud says it's because I had my plaster cast lying across my face.
Upon returning home I was all ready to continue my book which is now my writing challenge against Ben. Bud did do 1 pair of inverted commas to show me what they look like but has steadfastly done nothing else. I had done 1 1/2 lines to reach the bottom of the page when I decided using my long pencil with the bits of coloured wood on strings as a drumstick would be better than writing with it. This got me 3 warnings from Bud that he would cut them off but I pretended not to hear him because I was doing drum riffs. Then out of nowhere with no warning he got some scissors and mutilated my pencil. I can therefore no longer write and will wait here, sulking tearily under the table until Jof gets home off the late shift.
Some time later, when all the laundry/washing up/lunchmaking etc had been done, I emerged and restarted. I confidently predict I'll have a draft manuscript ready for editorial review within the week.
At bedtime I impersonated so many dancing dinosaurs I made myself sick.

Monday, 24 January 2011

I really miss my friends

horse stuck in a tree
Going back to school will be dull in comparison. I can't wait to get this plaster off.
After school I started work on my new epic masterpiece (with illustrations) hauntingly entitled "Jack and the Beanstalk". Bud sat with me and started to write a poem about girlies: let's hope it's a little longer than his offering about absinthe.
Because I'm writing a tome Bud has finished first, I'll publish mine later.

Little pink ponies all covered in glitter           
Bebo and Facebook and Myspace and Twitter  
Long hair with bows and self-wetting dollies   
Trinkets and hairgrips and full shopping trolleys

Combing your hair into shiny long tresses      
Ribbons and sequins and tassels on dresses  
Dressing your puppies up as princesses         
These are a few of GIRLS favourite things

Using a torch to investigate tunnels                               
Farting at bathtime and watching the bubbles             
Cannons and rifles and jumping in puddles                   
Blowing up buildings and climbing the rubble              

Summertime bikerides while wearing no shirt           
Building sandcastles and rolling in dirt                         
Jumping off towers and not getting hurt                     
These are a few of MY favourite things                  

Sunday, 23 January 2011

A ship so big it's got planes in it

hms warrior ironclad in portsmouth harbour, tourist attractionBud got me up at 830. It was obvious from his green face and erratic movements that he didn't want to (something to do with the pub crawl with the PuddleDaddies) and to help me wake up he set the fire alarm off by cooking a sausage sandwich. Met the JoniBobs outside a little after 9 and we all stood waiting at the bus stop for ages in the cold. JoniBobsdad was a little green of face as well. Eventually the bus came and took us to the dockyard where we joined a queue and Ben arrived on his bike and joined us. The queue was very long indeed and an hour later we got to the front and boarded the HMS Ark Royal which is an aircraft carrier that's going to be thrown away or sold to another country and this was our last chance to see it. While the queue was long and slow it did give us all the chance to investigate loads of cool stuff like a pack of investigating wolves and we climbed on cannons, big sculptures of girlies with big chests, signs saying keep off and so forth.
HMS Ark Royal, decommissioned aircraft carrierArk royal Ship's bellWe saw lots and lots of ships of all sizes and then got to the carrier which is so big it had helicopters and trucks on it. I played with the machine guns and the ammo belts and I dinged the ships' bell and I went in the crew quarters and played with the firehose reel and saw the armed guards and stood right on the edge of the bit where the planes take off and climbed up the flagpole a bit and borrowed Johnny's binoculars and Bud took 81 pictures. The queue went all the way through the ship and round the runway and only actually stopped when you got off again down the other gangplank.
crew line-up at the exit gangplank, tidal jettyThen we went to a shop and I pulled over the display of keyrings so we ran away. We went into another shop (no children under 12) and I headed straight for a display of Russian war medals and pulled it over. Bud had to carry me round the shop so I didn't destroy anything else and then he banged my head on the lamp. In the end he found what he was looking for and bought seven bullets of various calibres. He wanted to buy the guns and little cannons and stuff but it was all too much money. By this time the PuddleDaddies' tummies were rumbling a lot so we went down to the pub for lunch (past the queue which now went all the way back to the Gosport ferry)  where we all had chips and most of us had fish fingers or similar. At the end of the meal we all hid under the table because it always annoys the adults. Ben had to go to a party so off he went and we met up with the JoniBobs again at the bus stop. We all came back to ours because they forgot to take their bikes yesterday so we spent some more time doing metal detecting and treasure hunting and brandishing swords at each other, the usual stuff. At 3pm the Daddies started going on about quiet time so after 6 fun-filled hours they went home and I watched Robin Hood again.
I really really miss my friends, when can I see them again?
Because there were so many pictures of this expedition I have opened a special page for it, under "meet the team"

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Get me outta this cheap B-movie

Woke them up at 8, a little too early, apparently but once I'm awake, I'm AWAKE!!!
After bacon and poached egg on toast (Jof's favourite breakfast) took Bud down to tunnel park via the bottlebank. Bought some unused shoes in the charity shop, first time for everything and at a tenth of the shoeshop price. Met Laughing Boy Thomas (who will go to my school next year) and Poppy C (who started at my school last year) - it's nice that everyone knows me. Gives me a chance to show off my arm.
In the afternoon the JoniBobs arrived to play. Almost immediately Erinsdad came to the door and all the Daddies went down the pub for 6 hours. I ate a packet of chocolate biscuits so I didn't want supper, Jof was not happy.

Friday, 21 January 2011

Here comes the weekend - early

crap your hands! rocking elmo toyHad to go home early from school because I was sick after lunch. Bud says he's going to try that next Friday so he can have a longer weekend. This got me unlimited use of the TV remote while he had a nap. I notice the shredded T-shirt from my first day back at school with the plaster cast has been laundered. Is Jof intending to keep it as a memento or should I expect future casts, but only on my left arm? I'm going to climb on the Ark Royal on Sunday. It's not every day you get to investigate an aircraft carrier, with luck (and forward planning) I'll meet the JoniBobs and Ben down there. I reckon they've probably taken all the nuclear weapons off by now so my plans for world domination may have to wait until next year.    In other news: I really need a bath: goodness me, that's better. With luck, the Big Bone Doctor will allow me to go home without a cast next Friday but that's the day of 2 birthday parties in playzone-type locations - we'll have to see.

Thursday, 20 January 2011

It's all COBOL to me

kids posing with gunsearly opening mcdonalds and fat bottoms chinese restaurant advert

It's very difficult to sleep properly aligned when you've got a huge heavy cast attached to your arm so got a dry/constricted windpipe and woke up wheezing and coughing at 2am. This led to a full-blown panic attack, all the lights going on in the house and another sleepless night.
kids playing wooden train track bridges plastic battery operated drill Erin made me a nice get well card with a drawing of me crying on a hospital bed, and lots of kisses. I guess Pops must have told on me. It goes nicely with the thank you card from Ben - another highly original Ben production - I shall sell them when they're famous.
After school (I was fine for that, of course) we went to the doctor to see if she could do anything about my nocturnal bad trip but it was immediately obvious from the way I danced, sung and hopped around her surgery that there was nothing wrong with me bar the need for a psychiatrist. She checked pulse, weight, temp, spO2, chest, tonsils and so forth but no joy. I then decided the interview was over and left. Bud joined me presently and we went to pick up BigMax.
Bonus video: The Farces of Dorkness
We did the usual 'Getting everything out and arranging it on the floor' because that's par for the course. We also spent some time making mantraps for Bud while he washed up and made many sallies and surprise attacks with swords and rifles. BigMax had to have the rifle as I did not have a trigger finger.
Fun and pizza lasted for nearly 3 hours before home time when the recriminations started. 5 minutes in both houses and the entire journey was spent threatening to call the police on each other: if either of us ever learn to actually make the call, we're all in trouble.

thank you letter
dirmax theq yowfor miy captin rex sot
dear max thank you for my captain rex suit
(apparently Captain Rex is a clonetrooper or stormranger of some sort)

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

A swift victory for the farces of dorkness.....

funny signpost, no sightseeing
bum bum banana
Called Bud into my room twice last night needing to be repositioned in the middle of the bed.

baby bottle in ear failThis morning I am much perkier and even managed to put on a T-shirt, although Jof dropped my pyjamas down the toilet which I found very funny. This afternoon I helped clear out some of my older toys to make way for the waves of newer stuff. Anything with 2+ on it has to go.

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

I repeat myself when under stress, I repeat myself when under stress.....

america's joyous future, depressing church signincorrectly labelled hand grenade extinguishergranny died suddenly, child sitting on a skeleton
Back to school today, I will be the talk of the playground. Of course, I won't be allowed in the playground...
My mate Ben's going to come and visit the patient this afternoon, nice to have something to look forward to.
schoolboys playing lego and wooden train track from tescoSchool was OK but everyone kept bumping into my arm. That's the problem with 30 kids milling around everywhere, nobody looks where they're going. I was allowed to stay inside during playtime with BigMax and we did drawing. After school I walked home with my status symbol prominently displayed which was a bit cold as Jof had slashed open another shirt. Ben came round and then Bud and Bensmum disappeared for ages so we could get on with some serious chocolate eating and TV watching. I showed him my new track and we played lego a bit. After he'd gone I even managed to build a bit of lego by myself but it's difficult with only 1 hand.
Bathtime was a little fraught, Bud wrapped my arm in a binbag, not my usual stylish self.

Monday, 17 January 2011


dispose of your ugly children hereI don't feel well, engrishnaked with family kitchen roll

I know my parents miss me at night so last night I called them in to my room every hour or so to assure them I miss them too. The officially mutilated shirt acted as my pyjamas so will be removed today. Who wants to go to school when it's raining anyway?
Pause for thought - over the next 3 weeks I have 5 birthday parties (including my own) in adventure playground-type places. Will I be happy to sit there watching everyone else climbing and sliding or will I just go mad and enter a downward spiral of sherbet and fizzy pop?


coin operated gambling machines south parade pier portsmouth
When Bud got home I cheered up for he is mad/doesn't know the difference. Today I have worn a groove in the sofa opposite the TV so Bud said let's go throw rocks in the sea. Jof countered with let's go insert millions of 2p coins in the moving staircase coin pusher machines on the pier. Both of these were splendid ideas so after showing off my war wounds to 3 girlies at Pop's house I climbed into my booster seat on my own and we were off.
Recklessly, Bud put £3 worth of 10ps into the coat pocket that I could reach instead of the safer left one and I proceeded to win lots on the pyramid pinger game and also on the stripey rolling game.
roll the coin gaming machine portsmouthObviously this didn't last too long, but long enough for me to feel victorious. Then we went back outside and down the beach to throw rocks into the sea. This is an activity that I have enjoyed for about 3 1/2 of my 5 years and I wasn't about to let an amputated limb stop me. So I ran up and down the beach with 1 empty sleeve flapping like a manic Nelson (maybe a half-Nelson) throwing rocks and selecting big ugly ones for Bud to throw. Afterwards I climbed back in the car thereby proving I was good enough to go back to school tomorrow.
throwing stones at south parade pier portsmouthFollowing the ignominy of a stand-up sponge wash I fell asleep sitting up in bed at ten past 7.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Breaking news, or, where's the craic?

Horizone play area Havant available for birthday partiesIt all started as a day like any other day. We managed to get to Havant by elevenish and Jof dropped us off at Horizone and went to Giant Tesco to do the shopping. 
The play area was brill and Bud found a table to be our base camp while we scaled the north col. It's larger than Kaves, Pirate Pete's and Playzone and has a decent cafe where you can get salady things as well as chips. We all went down the big bouncy slide and threw balls at each other on the rope bridge and generally did all the stuff. Every now and then we did a fly-by munch or swig at Bud's table. After about an hour I fell off one of the red triangle things you can see in this picture and landed awkwardly on my arm. This hurt somewhat and I whinged a little bit. One of the kindly Yellowjackets took me back to Bud. He (the big meany) declined the offer of a free ride in the back of an ambulance in the vain hope that it was just a bang on the arm and would get better.
children's X-ray, queen alexandra hospital portsmouthIt didn't so he rang Jof who abandoned her full shopping trolley in the electrical goods section (sorry, Tesco) and drove over to pick us up. After a bit of indecision we approached a handy paramedic who was having a tea break in the car park and he cut half my shirt off and put my arm in a sling. Because this simple act had generated paperwork, he then accompanied us to QA hospital A+E where we sailed past the crowds and went straight in. Pops got me a PooBear book and we discussed the 2 rugby players who had arrived in neck braces. The nice Doc sent me to X-Ray where there was a Gruffalo and then the nurse put my arm in a plaster cast (the temporary one, not the big hard one you can write on) and I was done. I was brave and wowed the nurses with my urbane wit.
the patient, boy with a broken armI have to go back in 9 days so the bone doctor can look at it. It was nice that Pops was with me (I've visited this hospital with Ben and now Pops, it's the in place to take your friends) but her Dad came to pick her up when we didn't know how long I'd be. The elbow itself doesn't have a huge crack in it or anything but the soft bone is a little crunched so it still hurts. Bathtime will be fun!
We got home after 3pm so Bud filled another shopping trolley and then took Ben's birthday present round to him. This is a job I should have done but I was indisposed. Ben loved the present and put it on immediately with the assistance of StormFuhrer Grandma. It's very groovy but has an unrealistically large codpiece for one so young.junior stormtrooper costume, big codpiece

I missed seeing Erin, Ben and the JoniBobs who were playing with Ben's new toys. If Johnny ever learns to shoot that bow and arrow we're all goners.
 It's going to be interesting getting used to this so I'm not going to be in school tomorrow but most certainly will be on Tuesday.
Speaking of hospitals and the government's love of league tables, do blood banks compete in the IV league?

Saturday, 15 January 2011

Practically a teenager

feeding the invisible rabbit in the animal cage, victoria park portsmouth
Is anyone home?
- because I spent 12 hours in bed. I successfully told the time at bedtime and at getting up time - both ten to 9.
Drove into town so Jof could go to the hairdressers and meet Popsmum. We walked over to Victoria park to shove carrot sticks through the bars of an empty animal cage. Eventually a couple of lethargic guinea pigs wandered over and a couple of terminally obese rabbits were spotted in a corner but mostly the response was underwhelming. A long levee of salad round the edge of the cage suggested that these creatures are fed far more than they can eat and now mostly lie there until a lettuce or similar falls into their open mouths. Spent a couple of minutes bombing the nearest guinea pig with carrot morsels but it's difficult to be accurate through the small-mesh fence.

I dreamt I stood atop a plinth
in second century Corinth
My mind's become a labyrinth
I must stop drinking absinth
After lunch - a bright idea!!! Haven't been on a train in ages, got all afternoon, why don't we take one of my friends to Horizone to check it out before Ben's birthday party next week? Because nobody answered their phone, that's why. So we ventured forth anyway and walked from Havant train station past the Police station and found it. They were full and wouldn't be letting anyone else in for an hour and a half.
Came home again, miffed.
I am a googlewhack! Well, it's easy when you talk gibberish.....

my first googlewhack, 1 single google search result
On second thoughts, maybe I did mean to search for bush timbers.....
Bonus video is the death of the £4 helium Santa, finally stopped floating so there's only really one thing you can do with it.....

Bathtime tonight was the usual melee of fizzers, bubblebath and ping pong balls: first, fill your jug with balls and throw them at your dad while hiding your willy.....

playing ping pong in the bathroom
Still awake and talking about willies at 2253. Such is life being a man.

Friday, 14 January 2011

Those desk-bound dandyprats up at City Hall can kiss my Arr-Beshimbeers

crash in car park
funny sign- BEWARE OF MISSING FOOT batman bin superman ID card
Will it ever stop raining? 
finished article - huge lego towerBy school kicking-out time, it had! So Bud and I extended the tower yet again to the dizzy height of 3 feet. This is partially a result of the TV ban.