Monday, 20 February 2017

A Strung-out Jury

organic human juice supermarket sign display funny
First day of half-term: so I spent 7 hours of it working. I am in the next production at my theatre and play the role of Portly. Previously I thought I only had 4 lines but discovered that I'd missed one, and the whole cast is in the pivotal jury scene where Toad is convicted of gross toadery, and at that point we all have another 8 or so lines.
So we gathered at the theatre at 10am and boy was it packed. Because there are kids involved, we have to have 4 or so groups of the minor characters so green group play one performance, blue group play the next day etc, so nobody has to do too much.
That meant there were about 100 actors all doing an hour's warm-up and queuing for costume measuring and Child B is back (he was ditched a couple of years ago for being disruptive) and he's even worse and gosh it was a big long tough day.
During her copious free time, Jof likes to go swimming or gymming and that's where she was when her car broke down. Cue a Trump-style twitterstorm of frantic text messaging to get me picked up and her back home safely. In the end Bud got to me before I'd finished and Jof was escorted home by the rescue wagon and they'll fix the malfunctioning spark plugs tomorrow.

Sunday, 19 February 2017

Some Lead in Your Pencil

kids room clearout felt tip pensWell, it was open day at Jof's Gym and swimming pool so we planned to go. But you aren't allowed to use the gym until you're 16 and the pool is just a small one with no redeeming features and a surfeit of grannies, so instead I tidied my room. Voluntarily.
Mine is a big room and it's not as if it's full of rubbish because we do ongoing clear-ups anyway, so I ditched a few books, some kiddie-style light sabres, a load of coloured pens, half a bag of clay and some short pencils. At least the short pencils went into the fireplace for the annual christmas burn, because every year we keep all the bottle-corks and coconut shells and other woody trifles for midwinter disposal. And that was it, despite the fact that all my mates were probably playing in parks or having country walks or doing something worthy outdoors. Those Youtube videos aren't going to watch themselves, you know.
Later I looked at my script for 'Wind in the Willows'. I have 4 lines. 4.

Saturday, 18 February 2017

A Portly Tadpole

pound coins being phased outWoken up abruptly at 1030, something about having to have breakfast. The panic-newspapers said that we have to get rid of all our pound coins by October because otherwise they will be withdrawn and we'll all starve.
So we had a look in all our swimming bags and down the back of the sofa and stuff, and found 125 of them. I have a golden halo, which proves I'm a god, hoho. In acting we watched 'Jack Frost', a puppet-show done by 3 girls with big painted eyes, fairly freaky.
Then all 2 of us went through our lines of Under Milk Wood which is full of hallucinations and is quite child-unsuitable if you actually read it. They said I should be Toad's kid which is technically a tadpole, I looked quite amphibian-sperm-like in my zipped-up green hoodie. I play 'Portly' as well as lots of other bits, and I have been given my script for Wind in the Willows and it's huge and I applied for my child performers licence and we had lunch at 430. Later, I mostly did very little while The Dynosaurs Of Rox CD (with multifarious musical interludes from artists living and deceased) was burnt onto 2 new CDs for in-car entertainment while I had sausages for supper.
yachts in solent

Friday, 17 February 2017

Skyclad Custom Cuties

death to children bouncy ballWell, today was a small watershed in the rippling tides of man in that it was half-term. I got in late - well almost - because Lucy's Dad accosted me outside and cadged a lift to the Festival of Lego next week. This is fine as my official biographer-photographers will be going anyway.
After this delay I made it into the spelling test by the epidermis of my pearly whites and got 10/10, so there. Speaking of which, my Lego-related article made it into the school newsletter so I got a by-line and self-portrait once more.
We had our last PE lesson of the 1/2 term. This may not sound particularly valuable for all but the most porkily obese student, but it was the last PE-Dance lesson in which we were supposed to emulate Mr Michael Jackson and his leprotic Zombie posse in 'Thriller'. There are only so many extremities you can lose in the prosecution of this dance, and I believe we have lost quite enough over the last few weeks, thank you. Apparently next term it will be 'Street Dance': let's hope it's Electric Avenue.
2 schoolboys on a bed playing gamesAfter school Sham came round and we played tablet games together: our playdates are so normal and trustworthy and standardized that we will only get busted when we are 15 and we phone home collect from Prague saying the nice strip club owner says we owe $15,000 for lapdances and can we have our passports back please.
On the subject of Lego, I have invented "Custom Cuties", adult companion-bots you can custom-build from cunningly moulded off-the-shelf parts, like Lego Heroes for grown-ups. Then, following my enormous Lottery win, I shall sail off into the sunset with the 7 or 8 Cutie-Bots that are right for me on a ship named "Avast Improvement" and yeah, whatever.

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Impolite Society

Gosh, school is so normal. Maths, English testing, will it never end? But at least there was one funny bit. We are getting ready to write our 'Reminiscences' of life in the second world war, being evacuated as kids caught up in a conflict not of our making. And of course, to make our account more realistic and authentic, we wrote it on antique paper. Well, we made some of our own, ancient scrolls being in short supply nowadays. We got some normal paper and daubed it with wet teabags to give it that mildewy patina, like those clever art forgers selling copies of Jesus's original will.
So for a while, the whole class was teabagging frantically, quite a sight. And I found out that Nanna had written her 'Reminiscences' of when she was actually a child being evacuated in the actual war.
highway sign windows operating system failAt home I proved again that I have Trumpeting Bottom Syndrome (anal inventive), just right for the impolite society of which I am a part. During one lesson we were talking about poison gas precautions during the war and Child A farted super-loudly just when the teacher was walking past him. Even she giggled, but she still sent him out.

Wednesday, 15 February 2017


white freak dogs thin facesWell, a mixed day with all sorts.
Child A kept calling me Max-Diarrhoea so I grabbed his arm, looked him in the eye and threatened him à la Vinnie Jones in Lock, Stock and the Sale of the FFCentury. My acting skills were effective!
Child B claimed she didn't know what fish fingers were but privately I dispute this position, the teacher said nobody's that posh.
In English Reading I was one of the Mentors and had a pupil all of my own to encourage to speak English as great as what I do.
But in PE the playground was being rained on. Normally we'd just go into the assembly hall but it was being prepared for Teacher-Parent day: we couldn't even run up and down the stairs for half an hour (and that is what I would choose to do, honest) so we had to go into our classroom and talk about maths! In PE!
upside down boy on comfy chairAt home Grandad phoned me and we talked about everything for 25 minutes which kept the short one happy and Grandad too. And I had 3 yogurts and a custard for snack-time, that amount of Calcium just has to be worth an extra inch on measuring day.
At Teacher-Parent day I got a quite-good-actually with 2 special targets. One is the centuries-old one which is check your work for silly mistakes, just in case you've put 'I ate 10000 cows' instead of 0.0001 cows, and to learn the pointless names of things like psychoactive pseudo-transient subjunctive santa-clauses, because the SATs insist you have to know them. For supper Jof made us meatballs with 3 kinds of pasta. Now that just has to be worth an extra pound on weighing day.

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Cupid, Stupid

emu ostrich in the back of a car failYet more maths tests. Yet more English comprehension tests. In fact, we're practically Yetis.
Yet more talking in class from Child A. He got his 3rd Red Card which qualifies him for a parental phone call - another couple and he'll get some days off! But he did get my Ex a rose for Valentine's day, at least he made the effort. By now, most of the class are somebody's Ex. Some people have split up and got back together and split up again, maybe they're Zs, or at least Ys. The cream of the crop of Valentine cards go to the teachers. I bet every year they think to themselves "Well, last year was tempting but this year I think I'll really leave hubby for this 11 year-old that picks his nose and leaves it on the underside of the desk". Everyone knows it's not until secondary school that this sort of thing becomes a reality. Apparently.
nikon coolpix cameras comparisonJof picked me up from school. This is not because I need an armed escort or a chaperone on such an amorously auspicious day, but because I wanted to show her the Lego Robots. She was duly impressed with their size and complexity. The Institute of Engineering and Technology will be live-streaming the event on their Facebook page, but the Team and I will be there! As, you know, we're legendary winners and all that.
Possibly because of this a new camera arrived in the post which is newer, better and does even zoomier zooms than the last one so we can all look forward to some epic photography. As long as we remember to take the right one, er.
Later we played Totopoly to try and recreate the game where all the horses died. They shoot horses, don't they?