Sunday, 21 May 2017

May 2017 3/4

Sex, Drugs and Scouting
Back to school with our noses to the collective grindstones once more, even though we've finished the exams.
not a smart husky dogSo we began with science, always a good place to start. We learned about blood and arteries and veins and then we went straight onto sex and puberty. Some of us are already going through the special changes - whether we want to or not - and have girlie-bumps or unexpectedly hairy stiff upper lips or willies and in some cases, all three.
We watched an animation with cartoon-style kids showing off their inner workings and getting boners and we all laughed a lot because we know all the rude words but not boring things like Johnnies and tampons. So we have come out of this class with a whole lot of adjusted preconceptions and inventive misconceptions.
And because giggling at each others' boners isn't enough, we also learned about drugs. So now we know about heroin and LSD and masturbation and cocaine and crystal meth, and that alcohol is ok but not for kids, don't tell the emergency room staff on a Friday night.
Then we went onto lighter things and did our first script run-through for the Lion King. As the King himself, I have to be loud and powerful and full of authority. But it was only the top 18 characters so the rest of the year group will have to join in later.
lumps fort southsea seafront miniature villageThe happy-clappy religious types visited us again and made us sing overly joyful songs about what a wonderful groovy god they've invented and we contented ourselves by substituting lots of other words, mostly nob.
Down at the seafront it was a bit rainy and Johnny bundled me off the football and I fell over a bit and got wet. But we did climb on the fort using the helpful grab-fence to get to the beach hut roofs and got all muddy. It says warning, anti-climb paint but it didn't stop us, buncha rebellious monkey-spankers.
Later it was the Scout AGM. Because they take our money and look after the kids, the Scout leader-types have to have a proper meeting so all the parents can see how many kids have been killed on camp and stuff, and it was zero again, must try harder.
As I have been a Scout since I was first old enough, I can't really complain about having to attend and the speeches were much shorter. But then he said Quiz Night and I got miffed because I wanted my Minecraft back. But we teamed up with Flynn and Cosmic and their mum and we were 'Spiniez' as opposed to the team called Fidget Spinners behind us and the team called Midget Spinners next to us and something about Pink Fluffy Unicorns which should be a punishment for unruly Scouts.
And of course all us kids are sober restrained sorts and hardly bellowed out the answers at all. If there was a tie on any of the 5 sections, the winners had to do a tying-the-knot challenge tie break, and once a Granny totally beasted a regular Scout with her super-fast getting knotted. And in the end we didn't win but got 39/50 which is knot bad.
Trouser me up, Scotty
man getting eaten by crocodileThe sex education continues. While we did learn about the ventricles, valves and vagus nerves, we also covered other matters of the heart such as sex and love. Friendship was the first relationship we covered in detail, having declared that a sexual relationship won't be required until we're over 16.
We drew diamond-shaped diagrams with aspects of friendship listed in order of importance, and trust and honesty came out top, with cashflow and attractiveness coming last.
tesco childrens clothing sectionAnd just when I got home he said you've got 2 jobs so I sulked for 2 minutes. Job 1 was trousers. And pants, and shorts, and slippers. Since last year my perfectly good collection of artificial leg coverings has miraculously shrunk in the wash and I need a whole new lot, particularly for upcoming school trips and holidays. So we walked to giant Tesco and with extreme difficulty, found the right section without asking for directions. And even Tesco is not immune to the great shrinking-demon of clothes, because all the 11-12 years clothes did not fit, and we had to get 12-13. Still, this is all due to puberty, which stalks us daily down the halls of education, and even in our dreams.
And just down the road from us is a house currently infested with builders. They were kind enough to say yes, we can take as much broken bits of wood as we like for the Scouts camp-fire so we took 3 loads between us and local man Brian 'Bald Eagle' Beaver-leader caught us taking it, how apt that this wood is going to the Beaver Scout camp next month.
hamburger for unconscious vegan prankWednesday was damp with added rain. Due to an outbreak of excessive optimism, I didn't take a coat. In PE we played rounders and I got miffed when placed on First Base which sees no action, hope I won't have to take orders I don't like in my future life.
And in what seems like never-ending sex education, we were shown a picture. We all thought it was of a bottom having huge diarrhoea. But then the teacher said it was of a penis shooting out sperms and we all went aaargh! Hope to never see that kind of thing again. There was quite a lot more video-nasty about men humping and pregnancy and foetuses growing and hips widening.
milton park portsmouth green spaceLuckily, Bud came to pick me up and brought a raincoat. Grandad phoned and set me a task of finding out the time in New York and Turkey if it's 12 noon in England.
The Potatoes of Madness
Today we had another lesson on drugs. We learned which ones were legal and which not, what they do to you and your health, just not how to pronounce them all.
And we all got one drug each to research and write up a little explanatory pamphlet about, I got LSD which sounds a real hoot. The one drug I reckon I'll try is alcohol.
kid shocked by giving birthAnd we had our last sex lesson, which was a video of a baby girl being born. So we saw our first actual vagina that wasn't a cartoon and then all of a sudden there was a potato in it and then the potato turned into a whole baby and there was screaming and lots of spludgy bits and we all went aaaargh again, put us right off the whole thing.
And then things took a turn for the weird, maybe some of that LSD got left behind.
Now, sometimes people are not what they seem and we have a prime example. CrunchyGirl is all nice on the outside, but very very crunchy on the inside.
purple fidget spinnerAnd Child A was running down the classroom and tripped up over a chair leg and while he was down, CrunchyGirl kicked him hard in the ribs, so she had to go to the headmaster because she is on permanent report and he had to have his Mum come in to see if he was OK to continue the school day with such a large unsightly purple welt on his ribcage. Then Child B ran towards CrunchyGirl to give her a swipe round the chops and he went down too and ended up with a table on him although he didn't mind, for he is made of sterner stuff.
Then, out of nowhere, six girls started crying for no apparent reason as did Child C who is technically a boy, but, you know, and practically anyone who wasn't already on the floor was blubbing like crazy. It was bizarre.
wind lifts building roof awayThe teacher said it could be Mash Hysteria which is something you get when you've eaten too many potatoes, or are a large group of emotionally fragile individuals going through puberty.
So after school we went into town and I bought a Fidget Spinner because absolutely everyone else has got one therefore I have to, too.
Fridays are always good and the weatherguesser had predicted clag and drizzle all day. Thus when it was sunny and warm all day and our PE lesson was outside in the park, we were all happy. We did running and jumping and relays and absorbing solar radiation and then Bud walked past and we said hello. Sadly taking pictures of schoolkids doing PE lessons Does Not Look Good but it was in the place in the rainy picture just above. Might I add that Child D (who is a girl) runs like an absolute girl and cost us the relay when she dropped the baton for the 4th time. And we were off drugs, and sex was already finished so now we're off to the zoo. And I'm not kidding.
Psychotic Laundry
Started the day with bacon and eggs and a session gathering my stuff for being abandoned at the zoo (told you). It's amazing just how much stuff one guy needs and it's all grown, like me. When I was in the loft choosing a suitcase, I went for my newer, larger holiday suitcase (rather than my original brightly coloured one) but that was still way too small and so I adopted Nanna's suitcase.
suitcase for school tripThat's when we also found lots of crap in the loft, this is not an obsessive-compulsive hoarding disorder kind of crap, it's either bats or rats so we bought lots of poison and traps, knowing that bats won't touch them.
And every time the laundry was put out, it must have sent psychic rays to the clouds, because it rained heavily, directly against the orders and authorized predictions of the weather-guessers.
Later it was acting and we waited for Sydney and her friend Unknown Caitlin (I know lots of Caitlins but not this one) to turn up but they took too long getting ready and we were late (in the rain, 'cos we'd left the laundry out in the sunshine). This is another thing about girls, if they're going out on a Friday night they have to start getting ready on the Tuesday because they're so rubbish at everything. And adding an Unknown Caitlin simply trebled the time it takes an already slow Sydney to arrive.
Anyway, acting itself was good and as part of the scene I have to knee someone in the goolies but the part of nuttily-challenged man is currently played by a girl, that's why it's called acting. And another in a random series of 'Groovy Local Locations' is the Round Tower, with 2 added forts in the background. Perhaps this is why we're called Strong Island, with all that rock and brick surrounding us.
medieval tower sea defences
Saturday-night-is-film-night was 'The Expendables' in which Sly Stallone invited some Hollywood friends to perform in a hotch-potch mismatch of a film where Schwarzenegger and Willis barely featured but Ivan Drago from a previous Rocky movie played a mercenary drug addict. The rent-a-soldier cast of The Unmentionables was taken directly from 'Commando' as was the Generalissimo's palace but this time the general's daughter was the feisty love interest and there was a lot more tattooing and knife-throwing.
Jason Statham from 4 Shotguns & Transporter 1-7 was nice to see (particularly as I have to employ a Cockney accent at work) and I look forward to Irascibles 2 and 3 where a well-known semi-retired Cyborg takes more of an active part in proceedings.
Damaged Goods
Woke at ten something but stayed in bed reading for an hour.
schoolgirl broken wrist in cast slingMade contact with Sydney over Skype to find she'd broken her wrist so badly she had to have a midnight operation to re-attach her ears with metal poles and she didn't get home until 1 in the morning.
And of course it would be her right hand, so she can't write or play Minecraft which is basically the end of her life until the cast comes off. So she watched me play for a while but facetime is better than voyeurism so I went round to hers to cheer her up in person. She taught me Back-Garden-Backgammon and we played in the sun, and there was ice cream and discussions about rice pudding and her vast foam cast-protecting sling, which might get in the way slightly in acting. And I couldn't go to bed at midnight because I'm going to be living in a zoo for a while, as one does.

Sunday, 14 May 2017

May 2017 2/4

unconscious drunk asleep in urinal funny failVerboten in Sixty Seconds
Dread! Fear! Well not really, just the exams that the teachers have been terrified about for so long.
We started with Reading. Not the unnecessarily ugly town by the Thames, but reading comprehension. It was an hour long and before long, Child A had stood up, walked over to the teacher and asked loudly to go to the toilet, even though we had just endured a lengthy speech about not leaving your seats or making any noise. We all knew he was going to mess it up one way or another, because he cannot help himself.
Then, after revision for tomorrows' spelling and grammar test and some differently shaped breaktimes, we had a second round of auditions for the Year 6 play. 25 kids were challenging for 18 parts and they made me do the voice of the narrator to hold it all together, because they knew I could do it properly.
kalahari tents 5th portsmouth scout groupWhile I do want a large part, it is not the part of the narrator, so I made sure I told them to cast me as the baddie. And it looks like one of the 2 contenders has suitably won himself the role of Warthog, and the other was sent away for being naughty, so I should be a shoo-in, but you can't count on anything in this world, or a hill of beans in this crazy cosmos.
And after school I walked home with Ben and we went to the beach hut and played Manhunt until they got bored and opted for football. I was quite tired by then and had a slight huff but Jof made kedgeree which is good for you and filled me right back up again.
beautiful lefkara cyprus turkish delightsIn Scouts we opened the Vicars' garage and did some outside work with the stoves and camping equipment and we have a new girl doing the try-out and Bud took home 3 tents to mend or replace. We had to have 3 attempts to find a Camping-Gaz stove with some gas left in it and then Child B tried to set fire to his shoe and was Banned from Matches. Someone at Buds' work brought home some Turkish delights from Cyprus but as he is from the Greek side, I guess we have to call them Greek delights.
Speaking of delight, it's lovely to see a modern country like Ireland can still have a law against blasphemy. In a hilarious move, Stephen Fry from A Fish Called Wanda was investigated for criticizing the gods. One must wonder how many other developed countries (unlike the islamic ones) still have protection for fictional characters enshrined in law. Perhaps the USA or Germany or Oz also ban defamation of helpless supernatural beings like Santa, Hedwig, Donald Duck and the Grinch. Incidentally, my latest Singalongamax earworm is 'Something tells me I'm into something good' by Hermans' Hermits.
Puto, ergo Sum
you only had one job failTuesday, and the torture continued with spelling and grammar tests. It's only the 11+, so there's no Also sprach Zarathustra or Veni vidi vici.
But I rarely concentrate on my spelling so much as I do on Minecraft for one simple reason. In this modern world of spellcheck and autocorrect, all I have to do is Cupertino warthog as cryogenics, and milf contractor Whelan collagen implant enantiomer Alaska topless for me.
hotel tycoon board game annoyingAnd after the tests we had so much free time I was able to play benchball and Lego for hours. Jof picked me up from school as a treat and I played her at "Hotel Tycoon" in the sun. I have a special talent, which is to babble inanely without respite even when being told to shut up, for your words are like farts in the wind that I cannot hear over my own far more important shouting.
And Jof has a special talent which is to land on all of my rentable properties and founder immediately in a Femaelstrom of bad luck. Lucky she has my constant vocal assault to keep her distracted.
gruesome baking intestines skeletonWednesday was a day of maths, with an arithmetic exam and also numerical reasoning. We discovered that our resident maths whizz still has trouble translating centimetres into metres and metres into kilometres, he's always wrong by a factor of 10. Sure it won't matter when he's a civil engineer or a spacecraft designer. I still haven't found out what part I have in the Year 6 play.
One of Jof's favourite viewing pleasures is the 'Take me to the Country' or 'Houses under the Hammer' genre, with lots of properties to look at and either criticize or yearn for. This is why she can now stipulate that our next house has to have a staircase up the middle, 3 reception rooms, a hidden servants' staircase at the back, and a kitchen island.
I decided that what I want (what I really really want) is a swimming pool. So I announced that if Jof dies, I will convert her bedroom into a pool.
I'm a SlumberJack and I'm zzzzzz
Today was the last exam of the SATs - Reasoning. Not so much the cut and thrust of learnèd debate on the floor of the House of Commons but bar charts, pie charts and associated mathematical trivia.
public payphone outside booth fail only had one jobI think I did quite well, let's just hope it doesn't come back as 12% after I said that. There are limits to the human mind - as has so often been shown in this blog - but I filled every unforgiving minute with Venn diagrams and bell curves and goddamn kids coming back from the shops with 3 junior hacksaw blades @ 14p each and Anusol cream @ 2 shillings and sixpence and how much change did little Alfie spend down at the amusement arcade before coming home and trying to fob off his mother with tales of the unexpected price rises.
Anyway, this isn't the end of term but certainly the end of the exams. So we had a party with popcorn (I don't like popcorn) and blackjack and hookers and herbal chocolate brownies for relaxation. And we got to watch a film!
'Storks' is about ungainly long-legged birds who migrate to Scandinavian countries and nest in chimneypots, but also deliver newborn infants to those villagers who have not yet learned about the birds and the bees. And delivery failed for one such youngling, which means a card through the door saying we'll try again tomorrow otherwise you have to come and collect your firstborn from our local distribution depot in Windy Bottom, only 75.3 miles from your location.
yodel crap parcel delivery company fail
This is exactly what happened to the new Gazebo tent for the Scouts. It does not matter if you specify on the order form that you won't be home until 4pm on that particular day, and even insert a line in the address saying so. Because the Stork is controlled by a computer that decides on the route the Yodel-Stork has to fly, and the automated Female Dork sorry Stork on the phone is only programmed to attempt redelivery the next working day between 0900 and 2100, which is fine if you are working from home, perhaps attached to an iron lung (working from lung?) or to collect it yourself, rather reducing the need for the Stork in the first place. Lucky this Stork Regional Processing Centre is just over the road from Bud's work, making him as happy as an agoraphobe in an iron lung.
Today was one of those embarrassing in-between days like the Mayan Days of the Dead, when you've finished your exams but are technically still waiting for the weekend.
potting six pool balls in one shot winSo we could concentrate on our Year 6 play: at last, the roles were handed out and I am Mufasa. Again. Maybe he doesn't have the biggest part, but I am the King, as befits, perhaps I'll grow up to be a movie star with regal gravitas like Morgan Freeman who keeps playing god or the President.
mti broadway junior collection lion kingAnd I tried not to think about those ghastly old French lessons which are probably not actually finished and may come back to haunt me. I may not be a Francophobe, but I don't want to be a Francophone either.
I suppose the most alarming part of the day was when some unknown Year 3 micro-kid was doing some experimenting. As with all seats of learning, controlled experimentation with theory, reproducible results and peer review is a vital part of expanding the sum of all knowledge, creationists take note. So anyway, this kid was seeing how hard he could hit the little glass window on the red box fire alarm thingy with his pencil without actually setting it off. Well, he found out. We all found out the joy of an unplanned fire alarm with actual fire engines in the street outside and lots of angry teachers saying well it wasn't me, and has everybody got out alive. Child C got a week's suspension and the rest of us got a very shouty lecture.
And Bud lost his job again which makes Jof the only breadwinner in the house. It must be a very strange game you play if you hope to win bread, no wonder adults are so stressed all the time worrying about toast landing butter side up. Give me oblivious childhood any day.
Great Balls of ... Pasta?
I like Saturdays so got up really early at 0930. Jof was at work and sent a text home asking for breakfast to be delivered so while Bud did that, I spoke to Grandad about maths.
In acting we are learning 'One man, 2 Guv'nors' and now our group has Sydney, myself, 'Arry (not 'Atchet 'Arry) and the tall girl whose name I still can't remember so has to stick with her stage name of Gareth.
portsmouth harbour bus stationI play Francis, the two-timing butler, so I have to serve 2 unrelated masters as sole manservant, with hilarious consequences. We're only doing one scene for the showcase but it is the funny one, following our winning performance of Under Milk Wood at the last showcase. This random image is of the Hard Bus Terminus which has been completely renovated at a cost of insert cost here, and you can now go in the newly opened main building and ask for tickets or buy a tin mug.
The road surface is very new and smooth and will be fun when the frost returns. It all looks rather swish and all that remains is for the actual buses to find this ready-made international transport hub. After acting, I fed some more birds in the park and then met Sydney in cyberspace for some more Skype-Minecraft. We played 'Bed Wars' which is less erotic than it sounds and 'Happy Slappers' or similar in which you have to slap each other off a grid suspended in mid air, as you do. Meanwhile, Bud mended tents and Jof had a snooze on the sofa. I'd run out of time to select a film so Eurovision noxiously clouded the airwaves once more, with well-known European country 'Australia' showing off far too much hair and some truly disastrous entries from countries who should have stayed annexed, vassal states to some greater power such as Guernsey. For supper Jof made me 'Mac and Cheese Bites' which are macaroni pasta tubes rolled up and deep-fried. I tried one, and never again.
Devil Boy
create the world lego playing card groupUp last, once levels of dehydration became too much. Managed to find Sydney online and set up a Skype/Minecraft combo call for extensive gaming. That was when Bud loudly said hope you're not as naked as he is, before he knew I was on a 16-way group Skype call. This is bread and butter for future Psychiatrists. Anyway, I was wearing pants.
The latest replacement for Schools vouchers at the supermarket is "Create the World" Lego cards, much like Match Attax. Each pack contains a super-card and 3 normal cards and there are about 140 of each to collect, so I said I'd open 2 or 3 packs and save the rest for the Zoo school trip but within minutes I'd opened them all.
table football game in progressAfter an awful lot of nothingness (what are Sundays for?), the JBs invited me round for a Random Barbecue. This traditional event takes place in their back garden whenever sunshine abounds and we certainly had some today.
OK, so global warming has not fully reached our northern climes so the adults wore blankets while Robert and I played stupidity football which is where you joust on plastic motorbikes that would be small for a 6 year-old but can now be used as roller skates by us advanced beings. Later, I played Golf on the Wii and we all had a go at micro-Ping-Pong and Fussball and air hockey and they spotted my fatal flaw in that I am quite crap and a total cheat when pressed and we all had a really good time. May our association last forever.

Sunday, 7 May 2017

May 2017 1/4

escaped prisoner in orange jumpsuitBack to school with a clang, because the 11+ exams are just around the corner. Reportedly, 'Football' 'Arry went to a rugby match between the Army and Navy and came on at half-time to do a mini-tournament. That's where he met (and high-fived) Prince Harry.
And visible yesterday at many stalls at the Fayre, the new must-have toy is the fiddler, or the spinner, or the Fidget-bit or whatever, a small moving device for little itchy fingers. And Okely Dokely fiddled with his one so much it pinged up and hit me in the eye, bet the manufacturers never saw that one coming, hoho.
throw alligator through drive through wendy windowAfterwards, Jof got home from work on her day off and we played 'Game of Life' (the new version) and I was a homeless Lawyer living in my car with 6 kids and invented a new fruit, a chimeric half-kiwi, half-banana called a Kinana, possibly a monstrous aberration against nature.
Wednesday was dull with maths and the like, and coding where we had to make a Mars lander walk about, avoid rocks and eat Martian apples, and French where we learnt about Le Motorcar. I try to forget French instantly because it's rubbish and I know I'll never need it. And lastly, PE which was the last one for a while because we've got SATs next week, a bittersweet victory there. But I did get 40/40 on the maths test for the second time ever, just the right time to start winning. Incidentally, we bought this house 4 years ago today.
plastic tub of crapOne of my classmates is going on holiday to Turkey to relieve stress. Not only in term-time, but just before the SAT exams. I expect they'll get fined, after that nice man on the Isle of Wight thoroughly tested the law against taking your kids out of school for a vastly cheaper holiday. Coincidentally, today I got yet another 100% attendance certificate for the last 3 months. Considering that I did the Lego League National Finals on a Sunday, should I not get 101%? Just asking.
Grandad phoned in the afternoon and taught me more about maths, for which we needed graph paper and a globe. And Bud went out to a Scout meeting so I got to use the computer for longer.
Toeing the Leonine
spin fiddler toy for kidHooray for Thursday. Well, Star Wars Day. Since 1743, when 2 alien ships had a battle off the coast of Hartlepool and one fell in the sea, the country has celebrated Star Wars Day. In fact, it is surprising that it took 234 years for anyone to take advantage of this rather promising yet unregistered trade mark and release a film in honour of that glorious day so many years ago.
Then, following lots of boring revision, we did our auditions for the Year 6 Play which is of course the Loin King. I have played various Liony roles (and some loiny ones) in previous productions and had my heart set on the baddie, because the baddies always get the best part, or the most enjoyable one to play.
We don't get to find out what (if any) role we get until after the exams. Sixty or so kids are chasing 18 speaking roles, I guess I have to hope I'm not cast as 'Baobab Tree #4' or 'Rock'. In my first play (I was the Troll - lead character and a baddie as well) some poor classmates were cast as 'Grass' and some as - dare I say it - 'Brick'. They were not speaking parts, but at least the Grass had to wave in the wind a bit. Poor old Brick.
kids toy made from laboratory partsAnd now that the 'Fidget-Spinner-F***ing-Button-Fiddler' is de rigeur for every pocket in every playground, can I point out that one was built for me personally in about 2009. OK, so it's not a pocket toy, sitting about 8 inches high on its Perspex base, but it has a variety of twiddly things, tactile zones in a range of textures and finishes, moving parts and places for little fingers to investigate.
home made toy for kidoriginal fidget spinner toyIt also weighs in at a little over 1.4 Kg, and don't expect to be able to take one in your hand luggage as it might look a trifle suspect on the X-ray scanner. Named the 'Mungo Robot', it sits on 2 Perspex squares separated by 4 steel rods. Inside is a nuclear reactor (all fissile material has been removed) surrounded by a ring-fence of gold-plated electrodes, with a forward-pointing laser beam generator.
Each supporting steel rod has a copper sheath that moves up and down freely. The upper floor has 2 lateral spinning aluminium rings and a single bullet-shaped skyrocket for aerial defence, and spider-web shaped fan protector beneath. But the piece de resistance is an old CPU housing with integral cooling fan above, which still moves smoothly and silently.
This aluminium block retains its original heatsink and gold pin contacts for the CPU, and some pins have been selectively removed to spell out 'MUNGO ROBOT' for those blessed with the ability to read. The CPU compartment is accessed by turning the red handle which unclips after a 90 degree turn and the whole thing pops open and folds back on a spring-loaded axle.
And because this was hand-made from old engineering parts salvaged from the test and research laboratories of a company that has since gone into liquidation, nobody else in the world has one. So poo to you and your Spyn-Fidlers.
I Guess that's why they call it Blue Day
dam inside wall destruction funny fail
Meon junior school blue day Last day of school before the exams. In a truly vast team effort, the entire country of 11 year-olds will be doing the exams at the same time apart from the one kid at Dogger Bank Junior School whose settlement is 1 hour ahead of GMT. If you know her, ask for the answers.
So some of the roles for the Year 6 after-SATs play 'Lion King' we handed out, but I haven't been given one yet and the role I'm hoping for hasn't gone, so there is hope for me yet. Our PE lesson was in the park again and I was on a rounders team with Erin and Ben and they were part way round the bases when I finally connected with a ball flung at me by Okely-Dokely. My team-mates were supposed to continue their run around and complete their circuits but I was on a flier and went straight to 4th base with Erin, overtook them both, and got them both out when I scored my home run. This attracted abuse, meh.
And it was Blue Day with the chance to wear blue regalia for a £1 donation to the Tom Prince Cancer Trust. I did so. The dentist told me I'd been brushing better this year but please reduce my sweet intake, tell that to the Chocolate Salesman. He still painted my teeth with the fluoride guck that makes you unable to eat sweets for half an hour. Friday-Night-Is-Film-night was "Escape Plan", the 2013 DVD release from Schwarzenegger and Stallone where they had to break out of a secret prison ship using only a Koran, a drain cover and a pair of glasses. I did that in Marrakech in 1942 but does anybody remember? Do they panties. It was nice to see Vinnie Jones still working in Hollywood as a particularly ugly prison guard.
Achtung Acting!
Today I was looking forward to going back to acting even though it's only been a fortnight since I last trod the boards in anger. The morning was all about Minecraft and Sydney arrived just about on time with some new purple glasses. Our group was missing Harry but gained 2 new girls and we did comedy with outsized movements and crazy impressions and a new game called Bunny Boilers or something.
You have to say Bunny #1 Bunny #1 calling Bunny #3 and then Bunny #3 does similar and it goes round the room which isn't much as there were only 5 of us including the teacher, although we did it outside. So gradually Syd and I injected humour and LSD in equal proportions and by the end we'd invented a class dance and variety of dubious gangland accents, This is Bunneh Numbah 2, Bunneh Numbah 2 callin', and then at the end we took some wood home for the Beaver Scout camp. This picture of the Spinnaker Tower can only be taken at low tide, given that the camera position is beyond the Gosport Ferry Dock.
Pompington was busy with happy loud people because of the end of the football season and the Footing-ball Authority had set all matches to begin at 530 for extra pub time before the games.
portsmouth pfc FA cup run 2008Due to last night's Film Night, we had another Film Night and due to the recent theme of prison-related films, we went for the Kühlschrank Connection, or was it the Sheepshank Reduction, or the Samizdat Injection. Something about sheep-dip anyway, with Morgan Freeman as the man who can get stuff, the Kurgan from 'Highlander' as Guard #1, and the Demolition Man Police Chief as Warden, amongst others.
Shawcross Credentials was quite long with a certain amount of predatory homo butt attacks and Alpha-Male baton charges, but I am now mature enough to realize that where I'd seen '500 yards of poo-pipe' in Phineas and Ferb, this film was the origin, not the cartoon. Apparently there are many more 'Educational Films' such as The Italian Job, 2001 Space Odyssey, Forrest Gump etc where you just have to see it to understand chunky bits of modern culture.
And all the while, Pompey fans kept up a decent chant of all of the special football songs, right up until Plymouth failed to win, and relegated Hartlepool beat Doncaster, so we rampaged at home 6-1 to take the championship. So the hoorays from the local pub continued until 11pm when I took over with my Lion Kong medley from the shower room. Here is a picture of when Pompey did some stuff in 2008, I was a little smaller. I still have that flag.
Karma, and Despicable Breadcrumbs
For some reason, Jof insisted on doing the weekly shop, nothing to do with the 17 tubes of 'Little Teeth' toothpaste in my cupboard, I'm sure. But that left me free to play Minecraft and now that I have been banned from a server for griefing, I felt more community-minded and rescued a newbie from some kind of rock dungeon that was hopelessly unqualified to enter.
throwing breadcrumbs birds milton park portsmouthIf you're only Level 4 or similar, the Zombies will soon knock your block off hoho, and I saw this player in distress and totally chopped all the Zombies and he gave me some emeralds to say thanks and we Skyped for a bit.
Bud made me distribute breadcrumbs to unemployed local birds and I stalked them through the park and successfully targeted many starlings and blackbirds and other wingèd denizens. On the way back, raucous Pompey supporters waved beer bottles and their feet at us from passing cabs and it was not until Bud got back from his run we found out that the Champions Cup had been shown off to the fans on the seafront with parades and live bands and we'd missed it.
Jof promised me Despicable Me 3 at the cinema but it had finished: all the swimming pools were doing water polo so there was no playtime anywhere and we were foiled.
clarence pier southsea seafront golfSo she said let's go to the seafront now we've missed all the action and we played Pirate Golf on the newly resurfaced course. Even the skeletons have had some life breathed back into them, the cannons and balls repainted, and it's all looking much better. After an ice cream we tackled the beach and arcades and soon I will go back and do the walk through-the-sky thing.
SATs (11+) is next week. I do not fear them. But I am nervous about what part I'll be given in the Lion King. Even as I went to bed, the Pompies were still singing lustily from the pub garden.