Traumaturgy

Well, it was a pretty regular day at school. We had a Rock Assembly which is not where you bring your favourite stone along (Igneous or Metamorphic? Sedimentary, my dear Watson) but a chance to hear a travelling band of Turnpike Troubadours play us some wacky ditties on their electronic organs.

The drum kit was my favourite because they could reprogram it to emit a lot of funny noises like lightning strikes, police sirens and firework whooshes, and it was like the Bonzo Dog Doo-dah Band on special tablets.

Around lunchtime I lost my voice which may have afforded some light relief to my co-workers and I was a little hoarse for the rest of the day, a load of old pony if you ask me.

But I did  show off the terrible injury on my hand, if you look closely you can see where the Scoutmasters reattached it with superglue and some twine we fashioned from flax plants growing in the local hedgerows.

Later, Bud opened a coconut which is to be chopped and added to muesli. That bit is boring but this one was interesting because it came out of its shell unharmed. The tactile surface of the brown smooth bald nut looks hauntingly familiar, and we kept the shell for the fireplace.

At Scouts there weren't quite as many attendees as usual, perhaps they're a bit tired as well. We did witness the standard post-camp Multi-Coloured Swap Table where you hope to get back all the stuff that you inadvertently left behind at camp, we actually had an excess towel so returned it.

We (as a group) have invented possibly the most annoying campfire ballad this side of the Irish Brick Wall. Called "I found a Peanut", it is a chant of infinite length with continuously evolving lyrics. Basically, I found a peanut down the toilet, in your butt-crack, et cetera, and it turned out to be a transvestite radioactive rocket peanut that explodes into poo and it goes on and on with rude duets, raunchy ripostes and angry Scoutmasters telling us to shut up because it's 3 in the morning.

I have also got the format for Scout Swimming badge 3 in which I shall have to tread water with one hand behind my back for 3 minutes, swim 16 lengths without stopping, and swim 50 metres wearing a shirt and trousers.