New Years' Eve 2014

At the end of this year in which I lost my second Grandmother (careless) I thank those all over the world who read my silliness, from Leeds to La Belle France to Saudi to the US. And those Ukrainian Spam Donors who send me so many adverts for make-your-willy-bigger pills. And those special individuals (you know who you are) who google "naked little boy nudist" and get a picture of me fully clothed metal-detecting on the nudist beach in winter.
Well, we've been preparing for this event for a while, no doubt. We collected obscure liqueurs in Majorca in the summer, we collected cardboard for Box #9 all winter, and collected friends to attend about 5 years ago.
Jof and I went to big B+Q and bought (and assembled!) some barstools for the barflies to go with the bartable and a heater to warm the hearts of everyone's cockles. She panicked, I 'helped' by taking all the wrong things to the wrong rooms, we made Eton Mess (a gerundive, it means a mess to be eton) and washed up 9 times.
Eventually it was time and all my co-conspirators turned up and we separated into boys in the tank and girls in the toilet where they set up a beautician salon and we left them to it.
We had a massive sheet of camouflage netting so bedecked the tank and added blankets and bedding and we were Germans in the Armoured Division and played Panzer Attack and we were all Sturmbannfuhrers and Hitler was on our side but if ever an adult came in to check on us, we accused them of being Nazis and turfed them out of Paris.
Then the girls joined us and Erin went to bed in room 3 of the tank and we clambered all over it against instructions but nobody died apart from Ben who was playing Wounded Doctor on Battlefield and he said go on without me but brave soldiers of the regiment rescued him under fire.
All the boys went shirtless because it was hot, we made dens in the den because it really was that big.
We did have some sort of supper and may have watched a little bit of video but mostly we tanked and then got called down for sparklers at midnight and they didn't go home until 0137 and it was all rather good really.

Twilight of the Childhood

When I was a child, I spake as a child. But now I am 9, I am on the cusp of The Change, when I shall be sullen, argumentative and refuse to come out of my room for hours. (What am I saying ...)
 Already if I get a couple of hours free, I choose to re-watch Commando or The Running Man etc; long gone are the Dumbos and Mowglis of this world, only carnal delights remain obscure to me, and they won't be for long. I'd better enjoy the simple irresponsible life of a child while I still can. Grandad says I've got 3 years left before the dreaded hormonal surge transforms me into the acned proto-adult of my future.
So the only thing for it was to go and play multi-player Minecraft with Ben on his X-box for 6 hours straight while Jof slaved over a hot stove for hours preparing the new years' eve foodstuffs.
 He is considerably younger than me (1 year or 2 weeks, depending on how you look at it) and we played immersed in the same game on different screens so we could go round killing zombies together, which is all any real boy wants to do. We kept getting lost and had to send up fireworks to relocate each other; when we're teenagers we want to play multi-player from our separate houses, but Jof wants us to steer clear of mad orientals.
Eventually I had to be repatriated but we did get half an hour to investigate Box #9, which we did very loudly. Of course, us whirling dervishes never keep still, so the only decent picture where we're not a pair of barking blurs is the really boring one.

Now we are 9

And a special greeting to anyone else lucky enough to share my birthday. Had I woken up early, I would have heard the sounds of a hundred huffy people wielding the windscreen scrapers of unhappiness, but I didn't, so poo to them.
It was still seriously frosty when Jof and I went shopping by Slow-Bus into a curiously busy town centre and had toasted sandwiches in M&S, the rest of the day was spent lounging.
My Royal Birthday Tribute added up to £160 this year which was enough for the blue Lego Cargo Train (888 pieces, including 28 bits of railway track!) so that is on magic cyber-order, let's hope it isn't City-Link delivering it.
Last week's birthday treat was a visit to the Pyramids for waterslide attack. This week was 2 games of skittles at Bowl-O-Rama in Gunwharf where I tried very hard indeed but got somewhat miffed about coming last in the first game so there was a sudden flurry of balls going straight down the drainpipe from my esteemed opponents and I came second in the second game.
We had the lane with the slope at the far end, the balls trundle on down but then make a sudden leap into the left-hand drainpipe just before knocking over all the skittles, well that's what we're saying.
Later I rang Grandad to say thank-you for the Just William book and he said he'd put some mince pies in the microwave for too long and set them on fire.

The Sad Spot

Today is the last day of me being 8. I finally stirred at tennish, Jof says I must be the only kid in the world that has to be woken up on Xmas day.
First thing I did was play Minecraft naked, the Zombies don't know so I didn't mind. Jof discovered something called the "Sad Spot". This is a large drawing I did in pen on my desk, but underneath it, drawn from a sitting position under the desk when I was using it as a sulk-zone. It was my job to spray it with cleaner and scrub it off again, while Jof undertook the annual dusting of the booze cupboard.

Later I assisted in an inventory count of the party stock of chocs, kiddie juices and adult juices in the garage and made a most amusing hash of the spellings of things like Kahlua and Prosecco. Other Friends Andrew and Louise came round and gave me a Lego Technic 2-in-1 thing that builds either a plane or a hovercraft-type thing and I used their visit as an excuse for another couple of hours of Minecraft (not naked).
I made the plane first, it was too complicated for Jof (8-14) but I persevered and it lands really well on the vast expanse of cardboard in my bedroom and it has 2 yellow pistons that go in and out when you turn the propeller. I have a wobbly tooth.

A 3-car Family

The last Saturday of the year so I had a quality sulk as only a preenager can. Driving up to North End we found the new hideout of the man that had sold Jof a car and did complicated things with paperwork. She drove it home unsteadily but didn't get lost this time. Now we have to scrap off Nanna's old car.
She was keen for me to find an actual registered activity, not simply fritter away yet another day playing Minecraft and watching TV, while playing the "Can't make me" game with Bud.
1. He says, go read a book. I say, I'll just finish this episode of the Simpsons, only 5 minutes left. I change channels to a Simpsons that has 25 minutes left.
2. He says, I saw that. Go read your book. I say, but Jof said I could Minecraft. He says, you're barred, read me 50 pages before you craft again.
3. Jof is watching cookery program, so I join her in protected mode. He says go read your book, so I go upstairs and play in the box.
4. He says, go read your book. But I've wasted so much time we have to go shopping, and I haven't even got dressed yet.
There's only so far this game can go before Boxes are destroyed and Minecraft is uninstalled so I read my book in the car to Horizones in Havant, a soft play centre where I once broke my arm on an obstacle designed to be safe for the over-2s.
I also had a birthday party there once. Their website said they were open till 4 but the lady on the desk said we shut at 2, darling, innit.
Jof became somewhat disgruntled so on the off-chance we drove to the soft play in Cosham called PlayZone, I had a birthday party there too once, but failed to break any limbs. It was open and had big slides so we chased and attacked and hid and slid and took turns reading Harry Potter 5, we're all on different pages but we only have 1 bookmark.
I found a portal surrounded by string that looks familiar so I did a Terminator pose in it. I refused to do the biggest red slide but I'm still 8, for 2 more days anyway.

BallPitz

Still bloated from yesterday, I wanted to play Jof at Pirate Golf at Clarence Pier. This was a perfectly respectable plan so we waited long enough for the weather to turn to sleet and went down there.
One bracing walk to the Round Tower later, we reconsidered any outside activity, and hit the arcades instead to warm up. I'm really good at the shove-10p game and went through £5 worth of 10ps in no time at all! Then I persuaded them that Pirate Petes was the place to be, although nobody else agreed with me as I was the only kid there.
We played hunter-killer and stalked each other round the complex throwing ball-pit balls at each other, he got me in the willy, Jof dislocated her arm because she's such a rubbish throw and we all warmed up to the point of being hot and sweaty. Just as we were going, some other kids arrived but we'd had the place to ourselves the whole time.

Socks Reunited for Xmas

Up an hour early (9 am) to sort out the presents, which is always the job of the shortest person in the house. Then I used a ruler to retrieve 8 odd socks and 1 pair of pants from behind the radiator, families should be together for Xmas.
I got a LED torch and a remote controlled speedboat and a Nerf gun and some chocolate and Lego. Jof got some scratchcards and cookbooks, Bud doesn't get yohoho anymore but he did get a bottle of rum.
Jof said we had to run around in the park so we all played silly football until a large Alsatian horse-dog came running up and ate my football that I got from Nanna, puncturing it to death. To make me feel better, we had a scratchcard session. We didn't do very well.
Jof made us a very complicated lunch and for the mandatory slouch-fest afterwards we sat (with tummies undulating) in front of Die Harder, the one in the airport, then I completely refused to watch Frozen because it's for girls. She read a book, he watched Star Trek, I minecrafted, all in separate rooms. That's what Xmas is all about! Reading Harry Potter, I turned off my own bedside light at 11pm.    Happy Xmas to all!

Fire, Lord Vader!

Today was another of those in-between days with not a lot on the agenda. But Grandad (half-past 80) got back from his 3-week tropical cruise last night so we visited him in his manor.
After stopping off to buy emergency cereal (Bud stole Jof's Sultana Bran, big mistake), we got to Grandad with 4 minutes to spare and I turned down the offer of a wooden back-scratcher and I chose a green oriental hat for Jof. Grandad insisted on asking me all sorts of questions about angles and time zones and circuits and stuff, honestly, you'd have thought he was some kind of engineering lecturer or summat. In response, I lay on the floor and fidgeted and gurned and did the Ministry of silly walks until he'd finished. I also confidently asserted that the reason for night-time was because the moon got in the way of the sun.
Lunch at his manor restaurant is always too posh for me, I want sausages with mash but ate most of a jacket potato to keep the peace. I was just about to read even more Harry Potter 5 when he said let's go for a walk, because Jof had told him to, for I was up at midnight last night saying I wasn't tired. We walked under the motorway and found the pub that Grandad likes to have lunch at, one of those walks where I don't want to go but then I love it. I also wanted to play snooker. Grandad and I are both quite short but then again, the snooker table is quite big.
Popping in to his work again, we picked up a Bofors 12cm shell from a Dutch naval gun, sooner or later one will be taller than me.
The 24th means I could open my last Star Wars Advent Calendar window! Of course, I got Christmas Vader, that well-known character from all the best bible stories. Then we pigged on cake, lit the lounge fire and watched 101 Dalmatians, Muppets, Lego Movie and all the Xmas classics to the tune of several million drunk people outside singing Ra-ra-Ooof! This is normal. Happy Xmas to all, may your children be as quiet as a mouse in an Ackbar trap.

A Time-Capsule too far

Well, he finally woke me up at 10 something, and for why, I ask you. Promising me a tour of duty with Pops, I accompanied him to the bottle-bank and met we Popsmum who said she'd left yesterday for the stony wastes of the north. So I basically got out of bed for nothing, and played Minecraft to cheer myself up. So while he swept out the garage I got Minecraft, TV, Harry Potter and lazing generally until Jof phoned and said get the party box out of the loft and see what's in it.
We discovered a time capsule from years gone by. There were:
many bags of those plastic pirates' treasure coins that you play hide'n'seek with. Bags of those little plastic cups you win, and some medals ditto.
Large amounts of plastic whistles, hooters, blatters and tweetlers of all shapes and sizes, the recorder-style whistles (for which we were banned from Pirate Pete's).
Some Xmas blarters some of which unrolled and even fewer of which hooted.

 Articulated plastic snakes in garish colours, neon hairspray which had lost their colours, party poppers, Pompey napkins in the shape of shirts, used birthday candles, balloons that had melted together with age, bubble mixture (mostly empty), flattened trumpets with princesses on, pencils, party bags, Xmas lights (non-functional), keyrings (rusty), Chinese checkers and sticker sets out of some very low-budget Xmas crackers and some of those games where you tilt the maze and move the ball-bearing around (missing).
Then at last the clue we'd all been waiting for. A single, used birthday candle in the shape of a 4.
What a lot of recycling.

Half-Past Forty

Jof had to go back to work today but we didn't, so I got up distinctly after 10. Almost straight away we drove to the seafront where the prevailing winds were prevailing all over the place, I can tell you.
We threw a few rocks into the sea and the wind threw a few back. Then we met 'Half-day' Jof for lunch and I chose enormous fish and chips in John Lewis and finished it all.
Bud turns 45 today so for his birthday treat he took us to the Pyramids and it was practically empty and we didn't have to have colour-coded wristbands and the nice lifeguards had chucked a load of floats in so I tried really hard and just managed to stand up on one in surfer mode during wave alert until the nasty lifeguards told me to stop it.
We did meet ex-Puddler Emma who said there was a poo in the pool and we looked but couldn't find it. Jof filled out one of the customer complaints forms about the showers and bins and toilets and had to go onto a second sheet. In the afternoon he went for a run and she spent ages on the phone sorting out insurance for the new car so I was left on my own to gorge myself on TV and Minecraft, each to his or her own. At one point I jumped up at Jof like an excited dog and knocked her backwards into my coat rack, leaving a series of bruises on her back.
Then he installed a 40mm cannon on the side of Box 9 and hoovered it out in preparation.

When you see it ...

Well, we were all a bit quiet this morning after the very very busy day yesterday. We all picked over what we might have said or done at the PuddleParty and then voted to forget it anyway.
We have our own PuddleParty in not very long so we've all been preparing for it in our own little ways: I've been playing Minecraft, Jof's been learning how to use the slow cooker and Bud has been collecting cardboard, everyone should have a hobby.
Now, I know it's for a Cardboard Castle, because I've been pestering him for ages to make one and I've told all my friends and he can't go back on it now. So while Jof kindly went shopping so we didn't have to, we started to create the behemoth with all the bits of pallet we've been keeping in the garage, all to his secret plan he wouldn't tell me about. Gradually it took shape, although I must point out it was about 9 hours of building, not kidding. OK, it looked good. A 3-room box, it takes up most of my bedroom and we had to move a lot of furniture into other rooms. At one point, Jof came in to see how we were doing and she got in it and poked her head out of the windows and skylights. We got on it, and danced on the roof to prove how strong it is. Johnny and Robert's mum said don't forget they've grown a bit since the last box, perhaps a 2 or 3-level box isn't such a good idea. This is a good point. It has in fact been 2 and a 1/4 years since Box 8, see the "Cardboard, Joy of Box" link at the right hand side of the page for a full explanation that'll make you want to be a kid again.
So we drove up to Bud's workplace (yes, that is his desk with pictures of some handsome supermodel on his locker) and collected another lid and 3 more strengtheners from the recycling bins and made off before the suspicious security guard could ask us WTF we were doing, although he did open the gate for us. The wind was strong and we nearly flew away getting the giant sheets to the car. The roof of the box is now an inch and a half thick, the adults could get on it and not have problems.
It was only when we added the last vital component that I suddenly realised exactly what it is, you honestly would not know until that final stage. Then I laughed so much Jof came in to find out and she laughed as well and nearly said bad words and "Epic-est" isn't a real word but it is now.
Then we watched Harry Potter 4, every time I finish a book I get to watch the film. A book called "Swedish housewives" has been slipped into my reading pile, don't know why.

6 Pints adrift without a Lifebelt: DUI

Met Jof in the toilet at 10am, such wonderful timing that she had to go downstairs. After breakfast I complained constantly but that didn't stop us going shopping. We walked to large ASDA to buy a special shirt for the New Year's Eve party but ended up getting a Minecraft book and a Santa hat as well: Jof bought a car, as you do.
By LIDL is a car shop that particularly likes to sell to soldiers but you don't have to be in the army if you don't want to. Jof listed all the things she wanted and the man said I don't have any of those but have a look around anyway.
I didn't want another silver car so got into one I liked and declared it to be good: I gave it the Mungle treatment which is to climb around inside it and show off my bum.
It proves that my arse can in fact predict the future because when we left Jof to it and went shopping, that's the one she bought. Perhaps I could hire out my magic bum for vehicular advice, maybe I can make some money as a rent boy.
Later the PuddleDaddies went to the pub for beer so we invaded Johnny and Robert's house so the PuddleMummies could drink Prosecco in retaliation, it's only fair.
We got presents and Nerf guns and watched Muppets and told the adults when it was time to go home by having a big fight and I cried lots.

Crime Fashionnel

Today is Christmas Jumper Day so Jof got me a selection, one that looks like the US flag of freedom (eagle not included), one with droids on and an almost Christmassy but quite restrained jumper, which I chose.
SPRING! The time for going up to a heavily pregnant woman and saying I know what you did last summer.
Recently I was watching Zapatou's Best of 2014 on Youtube and a lot of the base-jumpers and skyscraper-climbers use selfie sticks, probably the best use of this invention. But as for all the tourists holding up these glorified broomsticks at head height on the pavements outside our historic buildings ... hit me with my selfie stick, hit me slowly, hit me quick.
So at school we had the Xmas party with many snacks so none of us ate our packed lunches. Thus when we brought Ben home (BensMum at work Xmas party) we refused to have a snack at all. This is perhaps more to do with us both having too many snacks yesterday, I got told off for not eating supper and Ben vomited lots. But today is the Friday at the end of the universe so who cares.
We watched Best of Web 7 - HD Zapatou which is the mashup of all the best stunts, tricks and youtube wonders of the last year as put together by a Canadian. We liked it so much we watched it 3 times and in honour, made this, our annual Xmastime official photo involving 2 selfie-sticks which are actually spare curtain rods out of the loft. We are both wearing our Xmas jumpers of dubious fashion value.

Then we made a den (against Jof rules) and trashed my room again. When the giant tub of Lego we'd put on the chest of drawers to secure the duvet fell off, it made such a bang on the Edwardian floor joists that one of the lamps in the dining room died. Well, who's counting, apart from Bud who had to replace the bulb.

Slaying the Ender-Dragon

Well a really boring day at school, we had 2 hours of praising and nobody was praising me at all. I've told them what I think of their religion and still they spout. Perhaps in Belgian schools they Brussels spout.
Anyway we did that awful times table test again and I got 119, still not good enough. We all had to do Xmas cards for parents so I did one in French with Joseph and Marie, un ange, une etoile and the baby Jésus in the brazier in the potting shed.
But I did an extra one for Bud with all his favourite things ie a sword with diamond pommel, sapphire hilt, golden blade and blood, everybody should have one.
I am allowed an hour of Minecraft per day and while he painted I slayed the Ender-Dragon which entailed lots of burping noises combined with the bowel sounds of a sheepish yet colicky gnu. Tomorrow is school Xmas party day with added festive jumpers.

How many Roads must a Man walk down

...before he steps in some dog poo. About 0.3, I think.
Collected Ben and sang "Uncle Billy lost his willy ..." all the way home, where we played with my Nerf Gun, the one that I got from Santa who got it from Jof, that must be the circle of life people keep going on about.
It was dark and raining by the time we normally go to the park so we invented a variant on Football called Futbol, in which you lie on your back and play keepy-uppy with a balloon and try not to lose it on the Lego table or (for maximum points) into the bin.
But due to bad spelling we called it Fukbol instead, loud and often. My memory clearly shows that Bud says we can use swears in the house, but then again, that same memory does not show that last week us boys were told off yet again for me not finishing my supper after pigging royally on the proceeds of the chocolate cupboard during TV time. So that happened again, of course.
Then Ben played my Minecraft world but we did discover some useful tips such as how to eat, and hold your sword at an angle, so we had that going for us, which was nice.
Last thing at night, I finished Harry Potter 4.

Hanging Ten, Folding Time

It just seems like I'm waiting interminably for something interesting to happen, a limbo period between summer and next summer. Never mind, at least I have Minecraft.
In science lessons, Ben and I built an electrical circuit with 2 batteries, a motor and a bulb, all joined by crocodile clips. The motor span and the bulb remained dim. When you put your thumb on the motor to stop it spinning, the bulb lit up! We failed to deduce the reason and Miss M had to go and ask another teacher. There was yet more cardboard to bring out of the car today, I got the triple shotgun which I dubbed the AK74 and he got the rest.
In gymnastics we did the thing where 2 runways and trampolines are placed in an X-shape and people from runway A and B run and jump alternately, like in real gymnastics exhibitions. Bradley ran across at the wrong time and caused a collision. But then we got playtime and I made yet another den-nest in the foam pit and I was on guard duty and they had 2 passwords to get in, DragonsNest and GoggleFunk, not my choice. I was awarded Badge 2, but not for the den.
Jof was awarded a bottle of Brut Spumante Rose de Salici, (which all sounds a bit rude) for being Most Helpful Person in her office.

A Terminator walks into a Bar ...

.... and the bargirl says, I like a man with a gleam in his eye.
Well, I got even more Xmas cards from my friends and we unloaded even more cardboard box components from the back of the car and only just made it across the busy main road carrying vast sheets of cardboard without anyone noticing. I pretended we were Cyberdyne Systems executives secretly ditching parts of destroyed Terminator without the No Such Agency finding out.
But then my wildest dreams came true, honest, when he bought me Minecraft on the computer after battling with the remote logon sequencer and the poxy proxy retrograde router and all those other little barriers that online vendors erect for you.
I'd barely killed my third horse when Ben arrived, he's an expert and was able to tell me how to eat an apple, although I did kill a lantern while doing it.
At Scouts, the whole Beaver and Cub sections gathered together in one place and unaccountably failed to do the parrot sketch because we were too busy attacking each other with balloons. Ben and I both did the 1 long balloon and 2 round balloons thing, what Scout Xmas party would be complete without a couple of gibbons jumping around with inflatable gonads. We played party games and Bluebird retired and was replaced by somebody's grandfather and we waved our rubber genitalia in joy.
OK, so I was too busy to say hello to Jof when I got back due to Love Of Minecraft, but she made me dinner anyway.

Mein Kraft

Accompanied Jof round the supermarket in a failed bid to empty their shelves of everything. I don't mind shopping and secretly added a butternut squash to the trolley because I saw one being used on Masterchef. Jof got Xmas woollen booties with tassels and bobbles and pompoms and I refused to have anything to do with them.
But all I really want (today) is Minecraft for the computer. I spend ages on Youtube watching 2 permanently surprised stoners amble around a blocky imaginary world killing skeletons and breeding sheep and using all the rude words and I want to do it too so mentioned it only 7 or 8 hundred times until I was sent out.
Jof tried out her new slow-cooker and has made Reindeer cakes for the party and they're all strange in their own little ways, looks like someone's been eating the wrong mushrooms again.

Accessorise!

Up late to much acclaim.
I really didn't want to go out because of reading Harry Potter but he forced me to so I sulked along and we saw the detached house for sale by the park, nice big garden but our house is nicer. Then we bought lots of cleaning equipment in big B+Q which is all for the new brass shell cases, French and German ones from World War 1.
Then he asked the chap in the carpet section if we could have a length of carpet tube and we were given six or so feet of tubular goodness. Apparently it's a vital accessory for my Xmas box, maybe it needs a chimney!
So I carried it home along the main road, attracting many confused glances from passers-by. Bud of course was carrying cleaning materials, not sure which one of us was most embarrassed. It was a lovely sunny day but distinctly cold: on balance I'd rather be back in Africa or similar.
The last time I was 15 (1985) I lived in Jeddah (Saudi Arabia, half-way up the Red Sea on the right) and spent Fridays on the reef diving for seashells. Here I am with a clam and 2 Lambis shells that I pulled from the sea by Tafeah, very difficult to get the clam back because it was so heavy.
So because Jof was working, I read and Bud buffed his bullets and Jof came back and we sat in different rooms doing our thing, nice to have a house big enough to do that. Meanwhile, Pompey were being beaten at home by Accrington Stanley. Who's Accrington...? Then we dropped her off at Bens' house to go out drinking with the PuddleMummies so I chose Running Man for my film, I really wanted Alien V Predator but I have to watch Alien and Alien 2 first so I know the characters and simply didn't have the time.

Christmas Dinner

Xmas dinner at school was dried turkey with sausage and gravy and ice cream. Didn't stop me wanting a snack afterwards, though.
Then we posted some ammunition to a customer but told the post office it was an ornament which is entirely true for a given value of true.
At home 2 nice chaps replaced a fallen roof slate (lost during recent windy weather) for us while I helped get yet more cardboard out of the car and into the garage. We must be selling some really big bullets, maybe a Minenwerfer or something.
I could get right behind the pile, almost reminds me of the days of yore when us kids got cardboard castles to play in while the parents talked about beer (see link on right hand side of page to the excellent "Cardboard, Joy of Box"). In fact, we mapped out a footprint for a potential use of the cardboard boxes thus far collected and they would take up most of my room, and let's be fair, I have a spare dining table in my bedroom.
Welcome to the end of the week, although not for poor old Jof who has to work tomorrow.

In Prison for Christmas

Yesterday we put some antique brass shell casings on eBay to make some space and some money, spent ages packing them up and measuring the boxes etc.
Overnight stuffy eBay officialdom removed ALL 10 adverts for contravening weapons & armaments sales policy. I'm a convicted arms dealer. As Merle Haggard said it, I turned 21 in prison doing life without parole...
School was easy because we didn't do much work apart from make up our own verse to do in the class poem which was supposed to be witnessed by our parents, never happened yet. I did my bit about shape-shifters with venom-vision who can kill by looking at you.
Today was the school Xmas fayre. Jof (who is now on the parental-meddlers group) volunteered us to be Satan's little helpers and organise the queue for the grotto. In the end, not only did Santa not have a grotto but more of a podium with backdrop, but Ginger Lenny's mum allocated us a different role.
Because we were beginners she gave us the job nobody else wanted, the crap leftovers stall. It consisted of huge amounts of scarves and gloves (assorted, pre-wrapped in Xmas paper) and dozens of plug-in air fresheners, also wrapped, with a single unwrapped demo model for each category. The gloves had original Woolworths' label attached and the scarves were the ones you had to have if you didn't have enough Shell 2-star petrol tokens to get the set of 3 matching glasses. The intrusion of 2 dozen air fresheners into this universe was not explained.
She told us with refreshing honesty that these items were the leftovers from previous fayres and they had been in a cupboard for years, and that she'd be surprised if we sold any, make up a price, get whatever money you can.
So she got us a trestle table and a pitch and that was it. We set up as best we could, dreading everything, but then bundles of people came over (attracted by my winning smile and sales patter) and we were rushed off our little feet, even for the plug-in air fresheners, although we kept calling them air conditioners. There were a couple of wrong-change incidents, lots of customers enquired what you had to do for the game, and quite a few little girls kept coming back like some kind of glove junkie to the point where we actually had to say have you had enough madam.
At one point I heard that Santa was giving out Lego, so off I ran. You have to understand that Jof personally bought about 50 presents, wrapped them, put them in large red sacks called Santa presents and basically all Santa had to do was ask your name and whether you'd done a Xmas list and he'd earned £2 for giving out one of my mother's presents. I worked out about Santa being fictional when I was about 5 and did the same to all the gods a couple of years later.
But I smiled and liked it and got a Nerf Gun which shoots really far! Back at the stall, we realised that we only had 1 scarf and 6 air conditioners left which looked a little sad on the empty trestle table so we packed up and gave it all back to LennysMum and we'd made £20.55 which is really impressive given that we were selling them for 30p a go. She was most surprised.
Back at home, I was made to stand over the other side of the road for a lesson in closing your curtains before getting undressed. This is something I have real difficulty with and in the past he has pretended that several girls gather outside every afternoon to see me, but this time he did the 3 dances.

#1 Dance. Curtains open, light off. I couldn't see anything.
#2 Dance. Curtains open, light on. He did 10 seconds of that special dance that the 6 guys dressed as Tarzan do for the drunken screaming women, compete with crotch-grab and butt-wiggle. Several drivers waiting for the traffic lights stalled their cars.
#3 Dance. Curtains closed, light on. I couldn't see anything. I have learned my lesson.
Then he revealed a consignment of World War 1 French and German shell casings just delivered from Belgium (an arms importer as well now) and we got them out and I loved the howitzer and the 21cm Morser. Careful, we might start a war, Nuremburg trials here we come.
When Jof got home she'd bought a new Slow Cooker. It's just one of those things, you never realise you're in dire need of an obscure kitchen utensil until your mother buys one.