Tuesday, 21 July 2015

The Stet Vortex

only in texas truck misses garage funny failToday Caitlin's parents (who run an animal sanctuary) brought in some reptiles for us to marvel at.
One was an African lizard of some type with an amusing claim to fame, if you look through its ear, you can see out the other side! Bud says you can do that with me, too, but I have to take that on faith because I can't see from where I'm sitting.
stamshaw adventure playground portsmouthThe second creature was a snake from hot countries that cuddles you to death, but isn't a Boa Constrictor. Boy snakes and girl snakes look alike so to find out which is which, you have to get a straw and stick it up its doodab and see how far up it goes before the snake kills you. Just think, snakey singles bars in the jungle must be full of all these shifty-looking snakes, carrying straws ...
The Year 6 lot had their leaving assembly today. They sang 9 songs including Lightning and Eye of the Tiger (but the ersatz version) and one of them did a backflip during a song!
stamshaw adventure playground portsmouthWe also got our hour in the park, where I played rounders and dodgeball. So when he said lovely day, let's go to the park after school, I wasn't fussed but then we remembered the Stamshaw Adventure Playground which is right on the way to gymnastics. Nipping round to the Renty house to pick up the hoover and so forth, we bumped into Zoe who was still cleaning it and we discussed Brillo pads, as you do.
We had just enough time to visit the park. Since we were there last, they have extended the wooden walkway in the trees and the pirate ship is looking a bit sad, the dead boat is still there as are the nettles.
But the water park was not only finished, it was flowing and full of tyres and little artificial sand islands and eyots and a girl was sweeping water down from the input tank and making little floods and the drain-away lake is quite big and deep so off came the shoes and socks and in I went.
I used small gaily coloured fragments of dead balloons to race down the white-water rapids and positioned tyres to make experimental flow regulators and in one of them, it made a natural vortex and the fragment couldn't escape, and just span around in circles.
stamshaw adventure playground portsmouth
This is not to be confused with the Stet Vortex. This is a random spatial anomaly of intense brainwave activity. It strikes anywhere and anytime but usually in a place of relaxation and calmness e.g. a garden. When the invisible vortex strikes, the hapless victim is suddenly rooted to the spot and effectively switched off while the Vortexians (benevolent aliens) run a 47 petabyte program of daydreams through his mind. A session can last from 10 to 40 seconds and upon termination, leaves the subject with a slight sense of bewilderment. If you have ever been in a meeting and the CEO turns to you and says "What do you think, Brian?" and your only answer is "What?", then you may have been attacked by the Vortexians. This can manifest itself as "What am I doing in this room?" and also "Why am I holding a lemon zester?" and some of you may also recognize "Why am I in my own wardrobe holding a sink plunger?" The name stet vortex (not related to the 4th century Mayan llama farmer of the same name) comes from the habit of the victim under a mental vortex just standing there, apparently frozen in time.

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