Monday, 13 July 2015

The Parable of the Snortoise: Suffering for My Art

drug free workplace funny fail signToday at school we had to make up a chimeric beastie and then show how its various constituent parts synergized to make a unique organism.
No probs, I said, and crossed a snake with a tortoise to make a Snortoise, the dreaded armoured Wurm that spawned so many medieval dragon-killing myths, including good old St George.
But when you've started it's difficult to finish, like when you spell bananananana. I therefore ended up with a cross between a wasp, a tortoise, an eel, a cobra and a porcupine. This ambitious genetic project is a marine carnivore that sits, head on the seabed, with its long wiggly tail floating upwards, looking like a Fucus, Kelp, Bladderwrack or any other frondy seaweed with a groovy name. Using its lateral line as a movement sensor, it detects passing fish and stings them with the wasp stinger, headbutts them with the tortoise-armoured head covered in porcupine quills and poison-bites them with the cobra fangs.
groundlings theatre portsmouth stage doorBut then it all went wrong. Girls are horrible creatures and one of them was right in my face going so who do you love, who do you love, and I'm only 9, FFS, what I really love is Spiderman, stolen chocolate and Arnold Schwarzenegger killing people. So I dutifully deflected her by saying I love the cupboard, wooarg, look at the doorhandles on that.
But she wouldn't let it go and in the end I cracked under peer pressure and let out a randomly chosen name, which was of course the truth, the only girl whose very name warms me from within. And of course, having extracted her evidence obtained under duress, she immediately went back to her table and after about 3 1/2 seconds it was all round the room and across the year group and the class divide and there was a Cessna light aircraft pulling one of those banners and special radio broadcasts and I hate girls. Apart from that one.
Today was wrongly ordered. I was in the shower at 4pm, eating hot supper at 430 and at the theatre for 5pm, for a 4 1/2 hour dress rehearsal, for which I wore my Dobby T-shirt, an edgy character if ever I saw one. The green room was absolutely full of girls - I chose the right after-school club there - and the Chief Actor took me into wardrobe straight away. I found the secret passage and I've got some lines and a song and I introduce an act and it was quite hectic. I got home after 930.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Hi! I'm glad you want to comment, for I like messages from humans. But if you're a Robot spam program, Google will put you in the spam folder for me to laugh at later.