Smack the Bottom, 50p a go

News reaches me that another of London's hidden delights is up for sale. Old Brompton Road tube station was opened in 1906 but closed again 30 years later as it was too close to other stops. It was then used by the War Office and now all of it (apart from the platforms) is up for sale. It needs a little work, but then so do we all.

Expecting to make about £20 million, this bijou residence has plenty of office space above ground and bags of tunnels and wartime memorabilia such as wall maps and ammo bunkers below ground, for aficionados of the dark. Perfect for a bijou resident that likes tunnels and bunkers and playing James Bond and wouldn't mind living next to Harrods. Lottery ticket here we come .....

School was ace. I love it and have already got a birthday party invitation and I got clanged in the leg at lunchtime football and 95% in my maths test. We bought a giant tub of paint for the back yard and then I bought the lottery ticket myself, the sales assistant not even checking my age. I might try buying vodka from the same guy.

In swimming I am in the new group at the new time. 3 of us are yellow hats, and 2 are green but we're all going to become green. Or blue. Nobody seems to know. Anyway, I did 3 lengths and did front crawl but my backstroke is better because you don't have to think about where your mouth is for breathing.

On the way back there was a presentable, decently proportioned girlie at the pedestrian crossing. Goodness me, he said, she seems like a nice girl. Noticing this, I said well she's never going to like you because you're totally ugly and he accepted this sadly, railing against unfairness in general. Furthermore, I continued, I'm amazed that you actually managed to get married in the first place. Right, he said, when we get home, I am going to tie you to a lamppost with no trousers on and say smack the bottom, 50p a go, to all the passers-by, dogs included, for you know how dogs like to be friendly to legs. Also, I will put up a soap dispenser and a little sign saying warning, bottom may not be clean. That is when I got terminal hiccups from the giggling and he stalled the car right on the crossroads, carefully blocking all 4 lanes. Then Jof and I lay on the biggest sofa and got fed bacon sandwiches to help our tired legs. So life isn't so bad after all.