Found in translation

The UN cryptographic Institute supplies the following possible translation of yesterday's conversation...


MAX   Bugger it. I have to go and crap again. Don't touch my stuff when I'm gone or I'll kill you to death.
POPPY   I wipe my own bottom. I don't want other people to see me naked. I'd rather play kittens.
BEN   You're having a laugh, right? Just sit there and look lost and they'll wipe your arse for you.
ERIN    You're just a big baby. When I become prime minister I'll have you eaten by lions. Bring me some crisps right now.
JOHNNY   What crisps? Stuff crisps, get me custard! They use custard on Class 4 Minesweepers, you know.
BOBERT   Custard Pirates! I will attack your parrot with my giant custard gun! Roar! I want a sausage.
BEN    Your pathetic custard gun is no match for my throbbing light sabre, you big gay badger.
MAX    Christ, that's better. Now let's make a trap for Bud and kill him. Give me my rifle back.
ERIN    Bud! He won't let me play with his weapon, and I'm hungry. It's not fair. Make everything better.
BETH   This blackcurrant squash tastes of grapes and it's made my legs wobbly. You're my best mate.
BEN    I can't be arsed with this. Everybody get an instrument, line up behind me and let's parade with pride.
POPPY     I've only got one banger for my xylophone! This is not in my contract! All you boys are just sweaty ninjas.
BEN    Can I wear your leggings? They're totally my colour.

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Went for our usual bottlebank walk in the sunshine. In tunnel park a small girl asked us to publicly endorse the excellent Artist's Cafe in the sports centre in Bransbury Park (Tunnel Park) which we are happy to do, having already bought a tray of tea and biscuits during Thursday football. Then we bought tomorrows' breakfast (giant eggs and slices of black pudding as big as my head) at the butchers, and some bonus bath fizzers at the charity shop. Must try not to mix them up.

Zak's party at the Gymnastic centre

Same room and same party structure as Johnny's party, but this time Jof came out to play so I had an ally. I didn't know quite as many of the combatants as they were in other classes but I did see Zak and Zena, Lewis and Rosie, and Zak's Mad Aunt Sharda who worked behind the same bar as Bud and Jof 23 years ago. 

As we got home, the lady across the road asked if I'd like to see her chickens. This was such an unexpected question we just had to, so went into her back garden where we found them in a special triangular coop. They only arrived a couple of days ago so were a bit new: 2 came out so Bud held them while the lady put coloured rings on their legs (selected by yours truly) to identify them. Then I fed them some barley and I got an egg to take home! Wow, I know I'm amazing but cool things just happen to me.

Then a walk to the shop to buy a box of beer PopsDad told us about and an awful lot of chocolate for some kind of Easter PuddleParty, apparently.
Music for bath fizzer night: Elgar.