The Elf Under the Table

Sundays are for pyjamas, Hay Day and other computer games. So that was my plan, good for 5 hours until they said let's go to LIDL and score a load of those multi-vitamin juices that I (and all of my friends) like.

So we queued up with all the other Russians and Albanians and Poles and the granny with the big beard and we looked at the whiskies we hadn't heard of and bought lots of the foreign chocolates and you know, it wasn't all bad.

Then he proved he could still run 10 miles and we proved that we could still eat Valentine's day marzipan selections and harvest Bulgar wheat at the same time. I had been promised the rest of the game of Monopoly so I waited under the table which is like making a cage for yourself to keep the world out, and eventually we re-started and Jof died pretty soon and I made a deal with the devil (sitting opposite) to sell everything I had apart from £1 (a family heirloom so untaxable) and see how many times I could get round the board which was covered in his hotels before dying totally. He won with £6200 and I elected to watch the new Schwarzenegger movie called "Sabotage" he got in the charity shop yesterday.

It was full of blood and bullets and tattoos and drugs and pretty soon I objected to the dialogue because while I have met movie scripts with Bulls**** and mother******* and all the rest, it just sounds child-like if it's f***ing every 3 words and it just makes it silly, and I was the one that said I can barely understand them because of all the f***ing. Jof wondered whether she would watch any more and OK there were a couple of nipples in the redneck Alabama strip joint but crack-whores are over my head and then we all started laughing about making predictions about who would be nailed to the ceiling next and who had stolen the $10 million down the toilet and in the end it was a family hilara-thon movie with chocolate and crisps (but not blackjack and hookers) although our next one might be Matilda (Roald Dahl).