Anchorman: Kissing Day

Fridays are always groovy but this one was bigger as it marked the half-term break. Things were wrong from the start, Bud gave me breakfast and Jof didn't even hear us leave the house over the noise of the hairdryer (that's what we call the shouty woman next door - not really).

So I was driven to school right on time and I showed Bud the selection of psychedelic computer-generated patterns in the IT suite (next year I get to make 3-D layouts) and then he hid in the assembly hall while I did registration. He has experience of being invisible from previous employment.

This performance of the year 5 play was for the rest of the school, all of the normal parents having been royally entertained yesterday, as on the invitation form I brought home. But 2 stragglers remained and one was my official photographer and supporter.

The play is based on Star Wars and was a vehicle to show off the work done by the pupils of Year 5, for which the parents pay so much. Because of the fractured, fractal and fractious nature of the display, an anchorman was required to hold it all together (as in "And now it's back to the studio") and that was my task, shared with Ingrid and Grace. Or was it Liberty. I think they swapped half-way through.

Anyway, the overhead giant screen showed various images and video clips as the revue progressed.

The capture of Princess Leia's transport kicked it all off and that's when VaderVader and his Cohorts of Doom marched up the central aisle to the Imperial music which had to be played twice to accommodate the many marchers. Then us Judges commented on the spectacle, me with my fake spectacles, and then we handed over to roving fashion news reporters on Alderaan.

This meant the girls (and one boy) who wanted to look stylish and thin sashayed up the catwalk in pairs and did such a short pose that no pictures could be taken without one of those cameras that does the slo-mo of the bullet going through the apple and anyway they're 10 so it doesn't count.

Then some of my colleagues did the advert breaks and features on storytelling and bold artworks in hallucinogenic colours and VaderVader got to kill an art critic which is no bad thing and it's back to the studio.

On the giant screen we displayed some excellent 'Join up now' posters which had their roots in the Hitler Youth and the Deep Red Soviet, I mean, if that's fascism, count me in. There was a quick spot on the Latin derivation of the word 'Propaganda' (which Jof thought was a particularly well turned-out goose) and it was onto the Millennium Falcon for a game-changing scene in which Luke (broken arm, female) and Solo (forgot lines, edgy hairstyle), Chewy (authentic noises, giant teddy) and Leia (male, nope) changed the face of the future and it's back to the studio.

Then I presented a special update on the sleepover and the associated missing persons report of Paige, who was the only kid not discovered in the intense game of hide'n'seek, we really ought to do something about that smell and the flies coming from the basement.

Then VaderVader held up a sign saying "CLAP NOW" for those hard-of-thinking children in the audience and then Mr B came up and did yet another 10-minute recap and acceptance speech (I think he believed that Chewy was actually making those noises, not the electronic device cunningly concealed in his face-mask) and it was all over, our reputations intact until the next time.

During school, I had finished my homework so I got AN HOUR on the laptops.

After school, it was half-term, hurrah! So we waited in disguise by the traffic lights (not kidding) and videoed the youths that kick our front door every day on their way home from school. They hadn't seen us so we intercepted them and we know one of them so we leant on him (literally, he nearly fell off his bike) and did the whole "You insulta da family, I thought we wuz friends" thing and threatened to release said footage to their headmaster and asked nicely if they wouldn't mind stopping.

Then the rain stopped so I completed my 2.5K run, because you have to do these things. My teacher asked me today how my runs were going, and in a separate incident, he stumbled across an online image of Ben and I playing Lego and found out one of my identities.

In Normal Swimming I did such an epic dive I banged my teeth on the bottom of the pool. It takes a certain amount of skill ...

Oh, apparently this Friday used to be 'Kissing Day' in Olde England where the girls couldn't refuse a kiss. Perhaps that's why the 5th of November used to be called 'Gosh what a lot of babies Day' before Guido Fawkes did his thing. Way after what was supposed to be bedtime, we laughed each other into intercostal pain about a game that I shall tell you all about .. tomorrow.