White man speak with forked tongue

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Well done, people of Earth. It is a great honour for you to read my esteemed epistle.

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Today a man visited our school and did a song and dance on stage wearing a suit made out of kitchen utensils. He had a saucepan on his willy and a colander on his head and he kept pretending he couldn't hear us properly because he was clanging the colander with a big wooden spoon. I do not know why these strange things keep happening to me, and it's most unfair 'cos I get enough of it at home.
Ran home from school due to rain and went shopping. Retail outlet #1 was Big B+Q where we bought a toilet seat, as you do.

Sales emporium #2 was LIDL, source of the highest quality continental chocolates and obscure alcohol at low low prices. Who needs to be able to read the product name and ingredients with deals like these. Anyway we availed ourselves of some marzipan (maybe) things, an assortment of items (probably chocolate) and a Chocolate Santa (probably), and some of the cheap booze before heading off to the important section. They have several different packets of fireworks but to be honest you might as well go for the 3-pack detonation combo with cube'O'30 shots, rabid rocket selection and "Can't decide? Have our mixed box!" random bucket of unexpectedness for only 20 of your Earth pounds. This we combined with some sparklers and indoor fireworks and other leftovers to create the "Gunpowder Gangsta" display seen here. You should have heard my evil cackling laugh. Incidentally, the Indoor Firework set next to me is an unopened Tom Smith original pack (1970s) that Mr Tall from Bud's work found in his loft. It's probably a collector's item. Yes, that's the pinata as well.

This is only the beginning. We need much more. Venture forth, dear Puddlers, and scour the Pyromania shops of the world to bring me ignitable tribute of all nations or there will be a wailing and gnashing of teeth like last year when Ben missed the giant rocket.
After supper Bud re-commissioned the central heating system while Jof and I posted bits of wood down the gap between the floorboards and the wall in the vain hope that we could get some of them to wedge, so there'd be a toehold for some new plaster to fill the gap. We hammered and posted and shoved bits of many sizes but they all were lost forever in the void below the floor. We'll get some wire mesh tomorrow.