Nauti, Nauti, very 10 Nautical Miles

Day 1 of the holidays proper and I knew it would be dull. My plans revolved around going to the park and visiting the Pokestop and watching Minecraft videos.

Well, that bubble burst early on when he gave me 2 boiled eggs with marmitey dunkers and said we're going out. I work in the entertainment industry and one has to help out the old theatre, and not just by lending them my beautiful face.

So we'd already unloaded 2 tubs of wood offcuts for the Scout cooking demonstration and so we took the empty tubs back to the theatre, and loaded up another batch of dead chairs, bits of scenery, random bits of metal and a sun.

This was all very good for me because the theatre is a Pokestop and so is the monument to the birth of council housing on the wall opposite and as we drove to the tip we had to go past the sea and a lake and there were some water-based Pokies running loose for me to capture.

So I kept up a constant babble without drawing breath, like this. "Well I've got a level 17 Voltorb but I really need a Stinkipu or a Nibblenob or a Flange, they're all metal Pokemon, and if I can get 3 fairydusts and a revive I can upgrade my Haribo to a Haribooboo and Oh My God! There's a Fnartle nearby but I've only got 72 Pokeballs, I really need to get a Splanch first..."

At the tip we unloaded and that's where I caught a Voltorb, OK it was really the sun. But by the time I was home, I'd caught several cyber-beasties and uplevelled to #6 and as far as I was concerned, it was a winner.

Knowing that monuments are often Pokestops and that I wanted both water and grasslands to go PokeHunting, he suggested the seafront where you can easily find 50 acres of open grassland and more monuments than you can wave a mobile phone at.

So we rode down and I had to reboot the phone 3 times because it got confused but I'd just started when he said our boat leaves in 10 minutes so I said boat what boat and it was the Exhilaration RIB powerboat ride, 10 nautical miles around the Solent including a look at Spitbank Fort, Stokes Bay, some ferries and the Americas Cup battleground. Their office is right by the Hovercraft port.

The nice man fitted me for a brightly coloured lifejacket and I beat my chest like Tarzan and we all got on the boat and the driver said don't fall overboard and we reversed out. Pootling off, I could see Mozzarella Joes where we spent so much recently and I said is this the speed we'll be going at, for it is rather pedestrian.

But then the driver must have operated some kind of throttle lever because it suddenly went rrRRRRR and we practically took off! You are kinda wedged in and there's a metal loop to hold onto and the seat in front of me was empty so I got a better view and it was epic.

The wind is terrific and you have to squint (or wear glasses) and it roars in your ears, don't have long hair or a hat.

You steam along in front of the Pyramids and once past the pier, you veer off out to sea and go past Spitbank Fort which is very big and you could see the cook having a swift fag on the gantry on level 3 and we waved at some people and we went past lots of other boats, big ones, small ones, navy ones, ferries, yachts and fishing boats, Police boats, and 1 guy in a canoe fishing.

Then you go over to Stokes Bay where I shall go in a couple of weeks and we saw Fort Gilkicker and then the driver went nuts, he basically did handbrake turns at severe speed which is called doughnutting and the edge of the boat goes in the water and all the girlies screamed and he changed direction and went back over his own doughnuts to make sure and then it was back past Portsmouth Harbour entrance and we slowed down outside Clarence Pier and parked up again to disembark.

It only took 15 minutes but boy it was funny. Of course I instantly said Bud, when we win the lottery and I didn't even have to finish the sentence because now I think everyone that was on the boat wants their own power-speedboat, they all heard me and started laughing. Plus I want my next birthday party there and to take all the boys with me.

So as not to make the entire day a total loss, I spent half an hour wandering the fields of freedom on the seafront, phone in hand, collecting XP, Pokeballs, Crundibles, Magikarps, and yes, the big war memorial is a PokeGym and 3 Pokestops and by the time I was hungry enough to look up from my phone, I was a veritable PokeBoss with a whole menagerie of imaginary creatures.

At home I rested. But not for long. I put on black tights and a black shirt and shoes and took my black bag for a black op. I have been learning the parts of Ghost of Mufasa and Second Drooling Hyena for the theatre's production of the Lion King, based on Hamlet by William Spokeshaver and recently sung by Elton John. As I got there, Grandad sailed past on a cruise ship, I was 200 yards away but indoors. Apparently he "waved vigorously at no-one in particular" which is just like him.

The concert was preceded by a 37 minute drum solo by one of those drum-and-whistle groups you try to avoid in city centres, only this one had a kazoo and some zithers and Moroccan nose pipes and Zulu ululations. They set the scene for Africa, Warp 6, and we acted out a cross-dimensional Hamlet the Lion King crossover combo.

I played the part of Ghost by standing on a chair behind a sheet going Mufasa you have forgotten me with a torch up my face. The youths did some highly commendable self-loathing and then an acid house dance group were interrupted in their exertions by some swordfighters who made everyone jump with their blood-curdling screams and sword-on-sword clanging.

During all this, Jof had her phone and managed to capture several Voltorbs, an Electrode, and power-up a Snafu, and when I finally emerged from the stage door, I was hyper. But I had to calm down, for tomorrow I have the JoniBobs for the day.