The Loin King (just saying)

The troubles and tribulations of two lonely ten year-olds don't amount to a hill of farty beans in this crazy cosmos, but it did amount to an opportunity for a first date, traditionally spent in the cinema. So Jof bought us tickets online and we killed some Ripley Aliens to use up some free time and then she sent us in alone to watch 'Zootropolis' while she went shopping.

It is an animated tale about a city populated entirely by animals of all species except a certain sentient hairless ape which was inexplicably missing throughout. Rookie Cop Rabbit finds a role energetically doling out parking tickets and has to catch international criminals and get beaten up by a mad Jaguar to get his first promotion, in charge of sidekick Fox. All is not well in the city as sniper-sheep target innocent citizens. Meanwhile, Lord Mayor Lion is illegally experimenting on a range of insane animals, driven mad by the blowdarts tipped with hallucinogenic plant extracts, and is locked up for crimes against animality. Chief Administrator Lamb turns out to be the nasty mastermind behind the poisonous blowdarting, employing hench-sheep who do his evil bidding and bleating. But when the drug lab is destroyed in a freak underground train incident, Lamb attempts to kill Rabbit by injecting Fox (to whom he is tied) with the last remaining trip-out poison capsule a la Bulgarian umbrella assassination. But the freaky capsule has been substituted for a blueberry and Lamb is caught blue-handed and Lion is released into the wild when it transpires he was heroically trying to find an antivenom.

We gave it 8/10 and came home, immediately departing for the park where we kicked the new giant tennis ball - we're all as rubbish as each other at trick shots and one of us fell over - got muddy, and transfer-muddied the house when we played double-X-Box Minecraft in my room. Gosh, all the girls flock to my yard, I told you it was the milkshake. In swimming we had to do backstroke while balancing a cup of water on our foreheads, much like the debutantes of Cheltenham Ladies' College. I started getting missed calls on my new phone from places like Skipton and Daventry. I blocked them.