The Island of Dead Swans (Every which way but Goose)

The day started interestingly. Bud brought home the new car before I'd even finished my bacon sandwich. Then, I was just going up the stairs naked when there was a knock on the door and the Ebay buyer came to collect my brand new practically unused scooter at low low prices and then we drove to the theatre, and we didn't stall the new car once.

I took my natty suit along but we didn't need it, my 'Showcase' performance is season based so I will need winter clothes instead. I was paired up with my girlfriend Sydney which was fine by us.

Because it was such a nice day I was persuaded to cycle to the Model Village. Jof gets lots of local knowledge and she'd heard a whisper in the Elephant about the Village getting a makeover. But when we got there, they said they weren't open until Easter. What a swizz.

But this left us right by Canoe Lake with a bag of torn-up croissants and hot cross buns so after a quick go in the park, we fed some swans. They weren't particularly impressed with my bready offerings and moved so slowly that a lot of it was stolen by seagulls. Crumbs!

We had credit money as the Village was closed so I demanded we take out one of the pedalo swans, although we got a green duck. I have been in these things before and it always ends in anger. This time was no different as Jof wanted to go one way and I wanted to go the other, which is mostly in little circles, backwards, in sawtooth patterns, into the island of dead swans, into the sleeping actual swan, or into the pedaloes of other lake users. It was a very long 20 minutes fighting over the steering wheel, although we did see the cormorant (or was it a shag?) adding to the huge pile of guano on the island.

Jof told me off a lot and Bud rocked the duck from the back seat not for the first time and she shouted a lot and I found it very funny. You get a £1 voucher for the café with every £7.50 swan trip so we had ice creams as the sun went down and Jof lost slabs of chocolate off her magnum ice cream and I laughed even more. A Jof with a chocolate deficit is not a happy creature so we rode home in the cold and we played Lego. Film Night was supposed to be 'Schoolgirl Sex Orgy Spankathon III' apparently but it turned out to be Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, so easy to get those mixed up, bed elevenish.