Friday 4 February 2011

Today's the day O yea verily forsooth gadzooks

kaput gravestone in grey granite
Hospital day again. Perhaps today the Big Bone Doctor will put his X-ray telescope on his bad eye and say "I see no cracks" and I'll be free of this cast forever.....
Bud picked me up from school and I got a special pass-out (not the sort Elizabeth's Dad has) to say I was allowed out. We parked on the top floor of the multi-storey carpark right in the corner, one of only 4 cars to have bothered to go that far up. We took the lift to floor 1 and then the same lift back up to floor 4 where the exit was.
fracture clinic queen alexandra hospital portsmouth
Castaway!!        In the torture chamber.....
In the fracture clinic waiting room there was a selection of short people with arms or legs in plaster and we all sized each other up to see who had the worst injury.
The nurses were very kind and sat me in a large chair to take the cast off. They have a special kind of disc cutter that goes sideways up the limb to cut through the hard bit. It looked really cool: until she turned it on. I howled and screamed and lashed out and hyperventilated and then went back to screaming. The nurses shut the doors so the other children wouldn't think bad things went on in the little room. After one minute the cast was off and in the bin but that was no reason to stop.
Bud escorted me to a table in the waiting room where one by one, a delegation of all the other patients came up to me to see why I was making the funny noises. Their mothers removed them.
Bud took me into the very long corridor (where there weren't people pointing and staring) to calm me down. While I was howling, the next kid in the queue went in, had his cast removed, saw the doctor and went home, cheeky whatnot. Eventually Bud took me outside and started eating his lunch at me while the blustery wind robbed me of my body heat (short-sleeved shirt only) - that made me stop in seconds and we were able to go back inside. Does 25 minutes howling count as daily exercise?
We sat eating lunch waiting for the doc - I'd missed my place in the queue and had to go last. By then I'd forgotten all about it and Bud promised me he wouldn't tell anyone so you'd all better keep quiet.
Back at school all my friends gathered around me to see my considerably less interesting arm.
In the afternoon: Shower Of The Century™. Two shampooings, 3 soapings and a promise of bath fizzer night tomorrow. I will obey the nice nurse (so she doesn't chase me with her spinning cast-chopper) and colour in the whole fracture clinic poster she gave me; I plan to take it to school to show off.
Supper was: macaroni cheese with sweetcorn, chocolate yogurt, babybel cheese rotunda, blueberries, chocolate, Marks and Spencer crispy prawns in batter (including 3 stolen from Bud's plate, but not the chilli sauce). I wouldn't want to be our toilet tomorrow.

Poet's corner
Old "Strangely" Brown was a fine chap, there, I've said it.
Did more for fabric softener than anyone would credit.
And a full-page Times obituary I'm sure they had to edit,
Goes on about his wife a lot, in case you hadn't read it

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