Sisters. The nightmare that never ends

Going to see Nanna! Taking all my best artwork and any marzipan-choc creations that have not already been eaten. Personally I'm hoping for one of those 10-coach trains so I can run from one end to the other traumatizing Jof again.

As before, while I am on my spiritual journey to the House of Nanna, I have instructed my Junior Priest Bud to post last night's bedtime story here to keep my valiant flock in good spirits.

GREAT LEGAL PRECEDENTS OF OUR TIME – THE WISDOM OF LOST POLAR BEARS COVERED IN CHIPMUNKS

The village of Split Tree occupied a leafy valley in what is now Texas. In the 7th-11th centuries, the village thrived with its abundant natural resources; wooded mountain slopes, a beaver-dammed river and broad plains of grassland. They enjoyed peaceful isolation and summer trade with the nomadic tribes that followed the bison migrations. Like many other tribes of the area, the naming of newborns was decided by the first thing of note the parent sees from the wigwam after the birth. Draw back the curtain, have a look out, say what you see. Couldn’t be simpler. But sadly, Split Tree had a history of strange occurrences and therefore a terrible reputation for coincidental weirdness at the exact time the hapless parent stuck his head out of the wigwam. As time went on, fathers started to name their children things like Shooting Star, Naked Chief and Blue Moon, and a colony of strangely-named people was born. The next generation was the real problem. It turned out that whenever the neo-parent stuck his head outside for enlightenment he saw a member of the tribe passing by, doing something. Hence instead of the newborn being called John Painting his Fence, he was called Rampaging Elk Picking Lettuces. Gradually the strange names were accepted, and became normal.

In the spring of 1021, a terrible crime was committed in Split Tree, and it was left to the venerable Chief Lost Polar Bear Covered in Chipmunks and his five-man council of village elders to sort out the mess. They had to get to grips with the enthralling case of Two Moons Sneezing, whose first son Stampede of Bison Running Naked had fallen madly in love with Teepee on Fire Beating Wife, the daughter of Singing Beaver Suffering a Grand Mal Seizure, which via a terrible misunderstanding on Flock of Seagulls Smoking Pipe's part led to Stampede of Bison Running Naked stealing two horses, one belonging  to Singing Beaver Suffering a Grand Mal Seizure, and accidentally burning down Freak Summer Snowstorm Being Eaten by a Bear's wigwam, which left his son Giant Bowl From The Sky Strangling Chicken unable to continue the family tomahawk business as he will now have to look after Great Aunt Plague of Locusts Falling Out of Tree, and led to Stranger Talking to Bush suing for emotional distress after he had to call his daughter Stampede of Bison Running Naked Stealing My Bloody Horse.

After great deliberation (an abstention by Floating Rock Gutting Fish and a petulant vote of no confidence from Looks Like Flock of Seagulls’ Been Eating The Wrong Mushrooms Again), the council members Confused Sasquatch Cooking Feast, Two Kind Men Drunk Again and Bloody Hell I Thought Dinosaurs Were Extinct Being Hit By a Falling Tree came to a decision and handed their verdict (lovingly carved on a chip of pinewood) to Chief Lost Polar Bear Covered in Chipmunks. The venerable Chief stood up (with difficulty, as he’d been smoking the peace pipe all afternoon) and banished the horse thieves (without horses) to Arizona, where they flourished. He awarded Freak Summer Snowstorm Being Eaten by a Bear Stampede of Bison Running Naked’s wigwam and compensated Great Aunt Plague of Locusts Falling Out of Tree with three fish, which kept her happy long enough to forget the whole thing (7 minutes). The case brought by Stranger Talking to Bush was summarily dismissed.

Recently Mrs Chevy Parked in My Front Room Jones of Yawndale, Ohio proved her direct descent from the original horse thieves; she was promptly sued for defamation by Mr Wait a Minute We’ve Already Got Seven Cooper of Tediousville, Connecticut, a direct descendant of Stampede of Bison Running Naked Stealing My Bloody Horse. The case was again dismissed by the presiding judge the Honourable Pyramid of Beercans McGinty (a Scottish immigrant with no American family history whatsoever – he just had deluded parents).

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So I arrived at Nanna's happily using 2 trains. She had arranged a variety of second-hand tiny tiles so I made a mosaic (when Bud was 7 he made one in Abu Dhabi but called it a mosiac and was terminally distraught when his parents didn't sea-freight it back to the UK following the end of their expatriate contract). I'm busy battling with 2 females higher up in the pecking order (they've got no chance) while Bud languishes at home hoovering and tidying and laundering and washing up with only his friend Merlot to help.