Paddling down the patchwork river of life (paddle not included)

Pops was supposed to come over this afternoon but didn't make it. I'm going cold Poppy.
Jof spent all night in a rage after the Puddle Xmas party was moved to the day she couldn't make. I'm OK, though, because I have a cloak of invincibility. I must get one for Bud. Jof says her entire social calendar for Xmas now revolves around octogenarians who are either disapproving or asleep, and sometimes both.

Still, at last the eagerly awaited children's goodnight story/epic "Gorbaduck" is now available for publishing, in 2 parts, ie spread over 2 days. It's designed for the storyteller of the house to add his or her embellishments, personalisations, animal noises and imaginative accents in the style of their choosing. Gorbaduck 2 (Return to the farm) is in post-production so is expected next month.

GORBADUCK

A CURLY TALE OF GREED, MELONS AND STUPID PEOPLE   ♪ ♫ ♪ ♪ (Part 1)

Farmer Gorbaduck lived on a farm in a big valley, just outside a little village called Dangly End. The village had an old stone church, and if you climbed up the church tower, you could see all over the valley. And you could see all the other villages in the valley because each one of them had a church and you could see the church towers.

Farmer Gorbaduck was a short round man and he didn’t have any hair. Because of this his head always got cold so he wore a big hat made of straw to keep his head warm. But, although he was a nice round man, he wasn’t very clever, and often he did things that turned out to be silly.

It wasn’t a very big farm but that was ok, he was happy with a few fields and orchards. So on his farm he had pigs and chickens and mice, he got lots of apples from the apple trees, but the thing he liked the most was that he grew really big melons in his melon patch down by the river. He was very proud of his melons and always said that they were the biggest melons in the country.

And on his farm, Farmer Gorbaduck lived with his wife, and her name was Cacklebat. She was tall, thin and clever, and had such a long pointy nose and such a long pointy chin that they almost met in the middle. She loved her husband Farmer Gorbaduck very much but she knew that he wasn’t very clever, and often did things that turned out to be silly. She spent a lot of her time making really nice apple pies and looking after him because he was a bit silly sometimes and often needed help. She liked his plums best of all.

Right in the middle of the farm was the farmhouse where they lived. It had a tall roof and a big chimney and it had a little rose garden by the back door, because even if you live on a farm, you can still have a garden.

It had been a lovely day in the valley; the chickens had spent the whole day eating seeds, because, as you know, chickens scratch around in the dirt eating grass seeds and corn seeds and barley seeds, so they were happy, because there were lots of seeds.

The pigs had also spent the whole day outside eating, because as you know, pigs fly around in the sky eating bits of cloud and apples straight off the trees, and so they were happy because there were lots of fluffy white clouds and shiny red apples.

The mice had also spent the whole day eating, because as you know, mice run around the bottom of the trees eating apple cores that the pigs left behind, so they were happy, because there were lots of apple cores.

Cacklebat had made an ovenful of apple pies and Farmer Gorbaduck had spent the day working in the melon patch, and because it had been a long hot summer he had lots of big juicy melons growing in his melon patch, because as you know, the best melons are big and juicy.

Well, it had been a lovely day but it was autumn and he knew that it would be getting cold soon, when it started to get dark. So he stood in front of the farmhouse and called out to the animals to go to bed in the warm barn. ”Come on” he said, “bedtime now, get into the barn for tonight because you can go to sleep happy and there will be lots to do tomorrow”. So the mice went squeak squeak and the chickens went cluck cluck and they all came running in from the apple orchard and the fields and went to bed in the nice warm barn. And as they went past him into the barn, he counted them to make sure none had got lost, and there were 20 mice, which was the right number of mice, and there were 15 chickens, which was the right number, so he was happy.

Then Farmer Gorbaduck called out to his pigs to come in for the night and go to bed “Come on, pigs”, he said, “Bedtime now, get into the pig sties for tonight because you can go to sleep happy, and there will be lots of clouds and apples for you to eat tomorrow”. So all the pigs went oink oink and came flying in from the sky around the apple trees. And as they went past Farmer Gorbaduck, he counted them all to make sure none had got lost, and there were 11 pigs, which was the wrong number of pigs, so he was happy.

So then Farmer Gorbaduck locked the barn for the night, and promised himself a nice cup of tea. So he went into the farmhouse where his clever wife Cacklebat had already made him a cup of tea, because she knew he would want one. “Hello, Cacklebat”, he said, “I’ve counted in all the mice, and there was the right number of mice, and I’ve counted in all the chickens, and there was the right number of chickens, and I’ve counted in all the pigs, and there was the wrong number of pigs so I locked up the barn.” So his clever wife Cacklebat said “Wait a minute, Gorbaduck, before I give you your cup of tea, did you just say that there was the wrong number of pigs? You are a silly man, if it wasn’t for me, you’d forget your own nose, and then where would we be?” And Farmer Gorbaduck said “Oh, no! One was missing, it must have got lost, and it will be outside in the cold instead of in the nice warm pigsty.” Now this wasn’t very good at all, was it? A whole pig missing? That’s worse than half a pig missing!

So they unlocked the barn and counted the pigs again, because you’ve got to make sure, and found that yes – there was one pig missing! So they looked everywhere but they couldn’t find the missing pig. Eventually, they heard a little noise, a scratching and an oinking and a scuffling, and they looked up, and saw two little pig legs sticking up out of the big chimney on top of the farmhouse. Oh no! One of the pigs has got stuck in the chimney! So Farmer Gorbaduck and his wife Cacklebat looked around for a ladder but they didn’t have one long enough. So Cacklebat went off to talk to the pigs and they told her that the missing pigs’ name was Plod, because pigs are pigs, and they’ve only got easy short names. And it just so happened that Plod was the fattest and laziest pig.

So Farmer Gorbaduck said “This is terrible. We can’t have our fattest pig stuck in the chimney. I mean, it’s my chimney; it’s totally the wrong place for pigs. He can’t stay there because it’s going to be cold tonight.”

So Farmer Gorbaduck thought: “I know who can help me, my friend Tonker from the nearby village of Whispering Bottom is a giraffe, he’s really tall, and he’ll be able to get Plod down from the chimney.” So he called Tonker the giraffe and his wife Tinker to come over to help.

Tonker was very tall, taller even than most giraffes, which as you know, are very tall, and so was his wife Tinker. “Please help me”, said Farmer Gorbaduck, “if you can get Plod the pig down, I’ll give you two of my melons as a reward.” So they went over looked at the chimney and said “Yes, there’s definitely a pig stuck in your chimney, we can see two little pink legs and a little curly tail sticking out of the top – the silly pig is stuck head down into it. We can see his legs, but our feet are on the ground so we can’t grab his legs to pull him out, all we could do is bite his legs and try to pull him out one leg each, but that would be no good, we’d be biting his legs, and that would hurt him. So we’re sorry, we can’t get Plod the pig down, even though we want an enormous pair of melons as a reward”.

Every good boy likes a juicy pair of melons

♪ ♫ ♪ ♪

Will anybody be able to get Plod down?

Will Farmer Gorbaduck forget his own feet?

Will Mungleton spill his drink on the sofa again?

You’ll have to wait until the next thrilling episode of    GORBADUCK!!

Now go to sleep, and tomorrow we’ll find out what happened.