Mountain dew under the Georgia moon (Portsdown Hillbillies)

Today Jof had yet another day off so she picked me up while Bud stayed on at work to get even more magnets (I think he's a magnetophile) but I did have fun using one pair of steel pliers to remove a magnet from another pair of steel pliers - that game just runs and runs.

Afterwards we wrapped up Poppys' birthday present - at arms length because it's so pink.
I also spent a while chasing Bud around the house flailing an arm (the one-handed helicopter attack).

This picture is to highlight my campaign against the scourge of the agricultural classes - melon abuse. Some of those melons may have sweet names like sugar baby but they can hurt - wear your protective headgear at all times!
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Previously on GORBADUCK…….

“Oh no! One of the pigs is missing!”

“What huge melons you have!”

“You’re a very very stupid man!”

And now, GORBADUCK continues……………….

So Cacklebat said “Farmer Gorbaduck, asking giraffes to help was a stupid idea, you are silly, if it wasn’t for me you’d forget your own feet, and then where would we be. You must think of something else. Plod is still up there and it’s getting dark.”

So Farmer Gorbaduck thought to himself, “How are we going to get Plod down? Ah! Ah! Let’s send a mouse up the chimney to push him out from the inside!” So he looked at all his mice and chose Wiffler, the biggest mouse with his wiffling whiskers and sent him up the chimney. Wiffler the mouse climbed all the way and met Plod the pig right at the top. But he was only very small, even though he was the biggest mouse, and he couldn’t push Plod out, because Plod was a big fat pig and he was very stuck. So Wiffler came back down again and said he was sorry, but he couldn’t do it.

So Cacklebat said “Farmer Gorbaduck, asking a mouse to help was a terrible idea, you are so stupid, if it wasn’t for me you’d forget your own legs, and then where would we be. You must think of something better, because he’s still stuck, and it’s getting dark.”

So Farmer Gorbaduck said “Ah! Ah! I know who can help, Old Mrs Barnacle who lives in the nearby village of Dripping Bottom sells palm trees, she can help us, because if we put a palm tree at the bottom of the chimney, it can grow and grow up to the top and push Plod right out again, because, as you know, palm trees are tall and thin and straight with a big fluffy top, they’d be just right for pushing stuck pigs out of chimneys.”

So Old Mrs Barnacle came over to help. Farmer Gorbaduck said to her “Please can you use one of your wonderful palm trees to get my pig out of the chimney, and if you can, I’ll give you two of my melons as a reward.” And Old Mrs Barnacle said “Goodness me, what enormous melons, I’m not sure I could eat a whole one.” So she had a look at the chimney and said “Farmer Gorbaduck, you’re only as clever as a spanner, aren’t you, it takes fifty years to grow a good palm tree, that’s why I’m Old Mrs Barnacle, not Young Mrs Barnacle, because I’ve been growing palm trees for fifty years, and they’re only just ready. I can’t help you at all, because even if I planted a tree right now, you’d have to wait for fifty years for it to push Plod out, and you wanted him out tonight!”

So Cacklebat said “you’re as clever as a teabag, aren’t you, if it wasn’t for me you’d forget your own hands and then where would we be. Think of something better, because Plod’s still stuck and it’s getting cold.” And she banged him over the head with a melon, (clang, ow) because she was getting angry.

So Farmer Gorbaduck said to himself, “Oh dear. Ah! Ah! My friend Doctor Gonzo from the nearby village of Windy Cleft makes bombs, we could put one of his bombs at the bottom of the chimney and blow Plod the pig right out of the chimney!” So he called Dr. Gonzo who came running over to help, because he wanted to get his hands on the massive melons. So he looked at the chimney, and he said “Why on earth have you asked me? I can’t help. If I put a little bomb at the bottom of the chimney it’ll just go bang and burn Plods’ nose a bit, which will hurt him, and you don’t want to hurt him. If I put a big bomb at the bottom of the chimney it’ll go BANG and knock the whole house down and Plod will land on the moon or something, and then you won’t even have a farmhouse, and you’ll have to go to sleep in the barn with the mice! So even though you do have some magnificent melons, I’m going to go home now and have my tea.”

So Cacklebat said “asking Dr. Gonzo to help was perhaps the worst idea yet, if it wasn’t for me you’d forget your own arms, and then where would we be. It’s got dark, so we’re going to have to go to bed now, and think of something in the morning.” So she banged Farmer Gorbaduck over the head with a melon again (clang, ow) and went to bed.

So Tonker the giraffe put a blanket over Plods’ sticking-up legs so he wouldn’t get cold. The mice went back into the barn, the chickens were still in the chicken coops because they’re useless anyway and they hadn’t even tried to help, and the rest of the pigs went to bed in the pigsty, the giraffes went home and everyone except Plod went to bed, as he was stuck in the chimney and nobody could get him out.

So the next morning, Farmer Gorbaduck got up and went outside. It was going to be a lovely day, even though it was autumn. But he was sad because he knew that Plod was still stuck in the chimney. So he went to the barn, and let the mice out for the day, and he counted the mice, and all 20 were there. He opened up the chicken coops, and counted the chickens as they went out for the day, and all 15 were there. Then he went to the pig sties and counted all the pigs as they went out past him, and all 12 were there.

And Farmer Gorbaduck looked harder and saw Plod the pig trying to hide behind some of the other pigs, which was difficult because Plod was the fattest pig and bigger than all the rest.

So he said “Oi, Plod, I thought you were stuck in the chimney. So how come you’re standing here hiding behind the other pigs, pretending nothing happened?” and Plod said “Oink, oink, oink, well, as I was flying around yesterday with all my pig friends eating bits of fluffy cloud and apples off the trees I smelt a wonderful smell of freshly cooked apple pies coming from the chimney. So I tried to fly down the chimney to get to the pies but I got stuck because I’m so fat.”

So Farmer Gorbaduck said “But you were stuck, how did you get out?” and Plod said “I was getting cold with my bottom sticking up in the air in the middle of the night, even if it did have a blanket. So I wriggled out and flew down to the nice warm barn, and my pig friends opened the door for me.”

And so even though Farmer Gorbaduck and Cacklebat were quite annoyed that Plod had caused them so much trouble, they started to laugh. So the whole farmyard full of animals laughed at Plod the big fat pig because he was so greedy and got stuck in the chimney because he wanted the apple pies which Cacklebat was so good at cooking.

So in the end, Cacklebat agreed to cook up all the leftover apples to make lots and lots of apple pies for the pigs to eat, and keep the apple cores for the mice which made all the pigs and mice happy.

 The chickens were happy because chickens are so stupid they’d be happy whatever happened.

Farmer Gorbaduck was happy because he still had lots of huge melons, which was all he wanted anyway.

Cacklebat was happy because nobody had noticed that she had shouted a lot but didn’t actually have any good ideas.

And Plod the pig was happy because he had only pretended to get stuck in the chimney so he could get lots of apple pies without having to fly anywhere, as he was both very fat and very lazy.

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