Day of Extra Hugs

Jof got a call from Nanna's doctor today about how well she wasn't doing. I got a lot of extra hugs, they're being quiet.
Mostly we didn't do anything which is fine by me as I get to go on Hayseed and plant chickens. But when Bud got back I allowed myself to be taken to the park where I played football and attack-chase with one pliable yet pensive adult and a load of Year 2s and below.
Later Pops arrived and we played hide'n'seek (only so many places to hide in a park) and pass-the-ball with 2 adults, 2 kids, 2 balls and an Edward, which got very hectic. Speaking of 2 balls, Mrs Pops got me right in the nadgers and nobody rubbed it better at all.
Later, I was on the swinging basket with 2 visitors from Ohio (yes) when one of them tried to knock my hat off and instead knocked out one of my teeth. I did not make a fuss and have added it to my tooth collection.

This Island Nation

Awoke in this other Eden, this sceptred isle, and sat upon the royal throne of kings, aha.
Last night, as a member of the happy breed of men, I helped Jof by mopping the kitchen floor in preparation for our new kitchen island.
Our kitchen already has rustic terracotta tiles and a rustic booze cupboard straight from the charity shop, and this rustic Marseille distressed island will really rack up the rusticness (rusticity?) In fact, all we need now is a hand-made craft scarecrow sitting in a corner drinking scrumpy and we'll be set. The delivery guys didn't speak English, or indeed, each others' languages, but with gestures and persistence, the island was installed. Now Jof just has to re-arrange the kitchen 4 times to fill it.
Briefly, I entertained Poppy with loom-bands and then we played Huskies which is running around the house with a lot of grappling, and Husky Hide'n'seek which is finding Lego Huskies. Also we played "it" with my plastic hand grenade. Anywhere Jof wanted to sit in peace, we disturbed it.
Now, you can't live on this precious stone set in the silver sea without going sailing, so I met up with some other Jolly Jack Tars (and Jill Tars) at the sailing club for some more mirth on the ocean wave.
Answering the call of nature this time were the JBs, and Oscar. I was placed with Bob and Oscar, Johnny was with a girl.

Johnny went in 4 times, but 2 of those he jumped. We capsized but once we'd been righted, Bob refused to get back in the boat with us and got a transfer to a shore position. Oscar and I continued and only capsized a further 3 times, our stricken vessel being righted for us by the nice instructor in the safety RIB. It was super-mega low tide and there was only a little ribbon of water deep enough for our keels and we did run aground for one of our capsizes, then we had to stay back at the kiddie end doing circuits and bumps while everyone else went down the lake and had a race. I was second out of the changing room this time, proves I can do it.

Don't look back in Hunger

Traditionally I am a neophobe when it comes to food. Many's the time I've shouted out "Don' like it!" when I see something new on my plate. About the most adventurous thing in my diet is 'White Crisps' (prawn crackers). I could never eat olives like Ben, or bits of raw red pepper like Bob. Curries are something with a minimum age limit of 25, and don't even talk to me about chilli sauce.
A standard reply is "That's not what I expected", to anything of startling exotic novelty such as a square Pizza, I also require a foot massage and defibrillation afterwards. It is entirely possible I will lose weight on any foreign holiday, (even one to America) unless I discover the local Chicken McNiblet'n'chips Emporium. Perhaps the motto of the holiday should be don't look back in hunger.
Yesterday I was given 2 new Lego Star Wars models as part of a standard shut-up-and-endure-shopping bribe. I was supposed to make them last through the week, but predictably, I snuck upstairs after supper and built this wondrous device, the Poor Droid's version of the X-Wing fighter.
It has 2 clone pilot droid trooper types and a giant undercarriage shooter-bomb and a brown chap called Pong Krell with 4 arms who vaguely resembles a pitcher plant.
Today we didn't do much. I was on a promise to visit the adventure playground again so met Paige from my class and had a picnic on a road verge during the lunch hour. I spent the whole afternoon in the sandpit with Layton, Lulabelle and George and we had to wear hats. We designed a way to make sand turds and cooked turd cookies and Kolaches and Strudels and Knödels.

Chief Design Engineer of the SexBot 3000

At one o'clock this morning, I was bored of not being able to get to sleep so I asked Bud and he said why not read for 10 minutes. Then Jof came upstairs and it looked like I'd been reading for 3 hours.
Recently I have - like many others of my age - been considering what job to take when I grow up. I like Arnold Schwarzeneggers' approach - simply have big muscles and the job offers flood in, no effort made. And surely those nice tattooed 'Greeters' at the pub door on match days get well paid? But if all that fails I can simply invent the SexBot 3000* for the Japanese market.
Jof had one of those riveting appointments called Applying to the Court of Protection for Power of Attorney which is not a special power at all, I just had to sit in the office for ages. Luckily for me, Jof foresaw moaning and had bought me a big complicated Lego Star Wars X-wing fighter thingy. Unluckily, it was just too big and I had to sit there legoless anyway. Luckily, she bought me another one to make up for it. This is how the best collections are made - by bribery and missed opportunity. The 75041 Vulture Droid has a droid-controlled craft with opposable winglets and red shooters and 3 figurines, one of which is a little Bot with a buzz-saw for cutting through the hull of enemy units and severing their control circuits to render them inoperable. The green reptilian bloke (Neimoidian Warrior) seems to have a musket and the pilot Battle Droid fits within on a little articulating manifold. The SexBot 3000 will articulate in 3 dimensions, but won't be as pointy.
Now I practice my guitar with an additional voluntary song. They are mostly about friendship and how the world stops turning when we are apart.
Then we watched Dumbo and Monsters University, as you do. Jof is busy with suitcases.
* In 2048 the SexBot 3000 was released to a suspecting public. It passed the Turing Test and came in both the Incubus and Succubus versions. Factory settings were "I am for you, Captain Kirk" instant imprinting, and in time, it did its bit for population decline.

The Southsea No-Show

Sadly Jof had to leave us again to go and see Nanna. She had driven to the big roundabout when she realised she'd forgotten the door keys and came back home and decided to stay, why not.
So we got a bonus Jof: we celebrated by sitting quietly in 3 different rooms doing our own thing.
Now a couple of days ago we'd seen many large tents and marquees down on Castle Field, which is a very large open space right on the seafront and very good for large parties like the D-Day commemorations, Welcome the Olympic Torch party, Kite Festivals and the like. So we just knew this lot was for the Southsea Show and decided to cycle down and join in the fun.
Jof helpfully pointed out (just as we were on our bikes with the gate open) that the pamphlet says the Southsea Show is next week but we are nothing if not hopeful so went anyway.
Amazingly, she was right and the many tents are empty. So I said I'll do Pirate Pete's then. Pirate Pete's is an indoor soft play venue I have been to many times, in fact it's ideally suited to the under sevens but you're never too old to throw ball-pit balls at each other on the bouncy castle and chase each other around sweating like roasting piglets in the increasingly malodorous room handily sited right next to a Wimpy.
For some reason some 5 year-olds started beating Bud up and after my allotted hour we had a go in the swingpark opposite. I wanted to play Pirate Mini-golf, he said OK then, I'll do your thing if you do mine.
His turned out to be the swinging chair things that go right up into the sky on a big yellow tower. I was not sure. But I passed the height test if not the IQ test and we were strapped in by a strapping wench and we ascended skyward and were buffeted by summer breezes at 41,000 feet and guess which one of us loved it and which one was scared out of his panties.

 In the top picture you can see some of the giant tents on the common, there's more behind the big one and some lorries with folded tents are waiting in the wings.
So I got my promised Pirate Golf and we did the 'other' trail that I don't usually do, and I beat him by 3 shots, a first for my species.
Then Jof and I got the quiet time we needed to buy chickens, grow cherry trees and sell woollens in Haymaker.

On the wrong side of the tracks - again

Jof had one thing to do today - a hairdressers' appointment at 1030. Waking up ten minutes beforehand, she showered, dressed and got there on time, let that be a lesson to people like me who are always last out of the changing room. We took her a sandwich for breakfast.
Then we left the planet again. I'd only just been to Stokes Bay but I really wanted to go back so we used the Gosport Ferry, cycled right past JoniBobsDads' workplace and reached the diving museum in the old Number 2 Battery. It used to have three 9" guns as part of the Portsmouth Harbour defences and all that's gone now but the diving museum has all sorts of scuba models, masks, diving bells, nooks and crannies and a whole load of extra gunpowder tunnels (that the man didn't let me go down) from when it was converted into a nuclear bunker.
They also have 11 little plastic divers hidden around the building as part of a challenge for kids and I found them all - and won a sweetie, FML.
From there it was but a short hop to the minigolf. 'Solent Springs' 12 hole adventure golf course was well-maintained and tranquil with waterfalls and decent shrubberies and some dead boats etc. But some of the holes were very unfair and I got 'Maximum 6' several times and lost my ball in the lake right at the end.
Then I did splashparking with the water pistol I'd forced him to carry the whole time and I shot random adults and everybody else.
I ate most of my cheesy jacket potato in the same café I ate in 2 days ago, and refuelled, we headed out across some paths that are even bumpier than Ben's, to Fort Gilkicker, where we climbed up and found the hole in the fence and looked in the pill-box where the teenagers have their cider and kissing parties, 'cos we found all the empty wrappers.
This strangely named fort has been abandoned like the rest but has now been bought by a developer and will be converted into historical luxury apartments. We also found the one nice area of Gosport with a row of houses that looked like the Royal Crescent in Bath.
Very tired, we ferried home and Jof phoned to say we'd been invited to the JBs for a random BBQ. Hurrah!
Erin and the JBs and I played in the pool for ages and did silly run-ups and gave each other points out of 10 and a football destroyed the adults' red wine and we had pasta and they called me the pasta-hoover and there was ice cream in the swimming pool which is when the other glass of wine was destroyed and we sat on Erin and were supposed to watch 'Top Gun' but actually we watched Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Through the Looking-Glass, Darkly

I like days off. Jof got me breakfast and I had no further distractions from Haymaker until 10am.
We actually had one appointment - an eye test for Bud. I watched the various ocular technicians doing their stuff, one machine's only job is to blow puffs of air into the eye. Wonder what it's called. But then he said read that sign on the wall, and I couldn't, so I've been booked in to have an eye test! I know Ben wants to wear glasses, perhaps they'll make me look all academic and distinguished.
Then I met the ever-smiling Poppy C in MacDingles, where I drowned Chicken McMorsels in little paper origami pots of ketchup.
The Landport Adventure Playground was open but empty, so I commandeered the sand pit until it closed on me, ouch. Got a promise to return after the lunch hour.
I helped put the laundry out and we cycled back to the sandpit playground in the rain. I climbed on all the new frames, rope bridges, tree-houses etc and gave my seal of approval. Then Bud started trying to kill me with a red blow-up kids ball (apparently called ball tag) and gradually a dozen or so joined in (apart from the lone fat kid who sat in the tepee hooting to himself) which left the sandpit free so I dug holes and did some civil engineering with bits of gutter and drainpipe, while the game of ball tag I'd instigated went on around me.
We took advantage of Jof actually being with us at a weekend and had Film Night "Bill and Ted's Bogus Adventure" during which I gave my usual loud commentary with loud questions about the things I'd missed due to giving the loud commentary ... sound familiar?
You may be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you dance with the Reaper (don't fear him).

Water, Water, can't move for the stuff

I had been told not to bother getting up early today, even though beer was not involved last night.
I did my best but due to high nocturnal temperatures, I had left one of my windows slightly open and passing builders with their squeaky wheelbarrows and the guys delivering the skip to outside our house clearly don't believe in the first day of the summer holidays.
So we were ready to go by ten something and drove to Stokes Bay. Why, O why, I hear you cry ... It has a new-ish splashpark, on their version of the seafront and very near where we metal-detected a couple of weeks ago.
It was very busy. The first day of the rest of the summer had started for everyone and the 30 on the thermometer was the trigger for an all-out assault.
And it was all-out indeed for the larger ladies and their straining swimsuits. The waterslide was coned off because the lubricating squirters were not switched on. As leader, I started to slide down it anyway, pushing the cones aside. The world followed and eventually the parks officials switched it on and we never looked back.
We had to eat at some point: the adjacent "Pebbles" wine and fish bar provided fish'n'chips and a Crawfish and prawn salad that rivals Jayne's Salad at the 10th hole, a point worth remembering for any intrepid travellers looking for saucy sustenance the wrong side of the creek.
Once I'd thrown a few rocks into the sea, there was only one thing for it: more splashparkery. After a while the car park ticket ran out so we came home: I demanded retribution in the only way I knew how: to cycle to unexpected surprise venue "Southsea Splashpark" where I slyly inviegled myself into a group of like minded kids by attacking them with my double-blaster water pistol.
I was immediately accepted into the constantly evolving group as 'Enemy' and I had another 2 hours of watery fun. What a start to the holidays: what a lot of solar-generated Vitamin D. Yes, I wore the same trunks all day and never actually got dressed at all. After my shower (10 pm) I was a bit red in exposed places and made enough of it to get an all-over body massage from Jof. What is this thing called 'Sun Cream?'

A L'eau! C'est L'heure! *

So yesterday the Solent area was officially the hottest in the UK at 30°C. No wonder I couldn't sleep last night, I shall sleepwalk my way through my last day of school zombie-fashion (no change there).
We didn't exactly do a lot of work. The only true lesson we had was an instruction not to use the blow-up globe as a beach volleyball. I brought home even more craft goodies and also Pop's PE kit so we delivered it to her house. One of the things we got were red and yellow footballers' cards so on the way home I red-carded everyone we met, several dogs and most of the trees in the park.
It's as hot as Beelzebub's armpit out there so after a pork pie I went right back out again and challenged some footballers to accept me as their referee. I postured and carded and eventually gave up and took LittleMax back to mine for some Lego.
We sweated our way up the road to sailing. I had promised Erin that I would be her partner in the instructor-less outing but totally reneged and blew her out to join an all-boy crew. I expect I shall pay for this later.
She had to make do with some older, more experienced sailors. Anyway, having built our boats from scratch, we sailed off with barely a hint of trouble. OK, we were slow at first and Ben commandeered the tiller but gradually we actually got the hang of it and were soon working as a team. Team Boy was: Ben, Myself, Oscar and James.
We pootled up and down like pros but then saw Erin. She was Tiller-girl of her ship and we decided to chase her, a moving target. She collided with someone else and we collided with her, we may say poo-poo to her face but really we just want to bump hulls, mmm.
Anyway, once the Tudor Sailing Club next door had occupied the area with their flash sails and groovy dinghies, we swanned off down the lake and practically reached France and joined the French Navy before the hooter went.
Ben was maybe messing a little and fell in. James lifted him out. Oscar tried it. I tried it but couldn't get back in. Ben jumped in to help me. Then as if by accident we all fell in and the man in the RIB shouted at us to get back in the boat.
I was last out of the changing room again because of helicopter parenting. In the past everything has been done for me, I just had to stand there. It doesn't seem to work when the bulk of the PuddleParents are gossiping outside.
But Jof had come to meet us. Instead of driving home, we cycled to the Harvester and had pig-out food. We cycled home at 10pm in the dark without lights which is illegal but we know the back roads and avoided the fuzz.
* As you know, this is the motto of the French Navy (also known as the Grenouillettes, always there when they need us) which demonstrates their readiness for brave aqueous action at the drop of a beret - 'To the water! The time has come!'

Nearly there!

Only one more day as a Year 3 student!
This is the day the parents have been looking forward to: the day of bringing home all the stuff we've made this term, and having to somehow quietly dispose of it. Because my bike was locked here overnight, we both cycled back through busy traffic and he carried the big bag of academic delights. My breast-shaped Egyptian amulet broke but at least that releases the central Swarovski crystal for re-use.
In an eclectic assortment of oddities, highlights are as follows.
1. Point by point breakdown of why a Roman Worrier will, on average, slaughter a Celtic Worrier. The secret is that although the Celt has a Crazy of 99, the Roman has an Atack of 100 and Wepons of 30, whereas the Celtic Worrier really is worried with a People Killed of only 3 and a score of a mere 11 for Happy.
2. Laminated Merit Certificate for having designed a tropical fish. Better than an award for the Norwegian coastline, I told you I was a god.
3. Short story "The Talking Duff" by me and illestrated by me. Clearly I have to speak in the heathen lingo of an 8 year-old, so my teacher does not suspect I'm capable of producing this blog, so bear with me during this heart-rending tale of a man battling with bipolar hallucinations.
Once upon a time there was a man called homer who lived in springfeild. One day homer felt thirsty so he walked into the kitchin to get a Duff. To his amazment the Duff spoke "Keep your hands off of me!" Homer looked at spider pig. "did you say that?" "no" replied spider pig. "Arrrrggggggghhbhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"!!! As fast as his legs could carry him he leeped into the car and Drove off 100 miles per hour. He stopped at moes to try and hide from the Duff and spider pig. When he got into moes moe asked him "why are you running so fast when the sun is shinning so bright?" first a Duff spoke to me, next spider pig spoke to me" said homer. "that's inpossible" said moe. "oh no it isn't" said the stool. "Arrghhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screemed hommer. As fast as his car could take him he drove until he came to barts school. Homer ran to the princibles office. "Why are you running so fast when the sun is shinning so bright?" asked the princible. first a Duff spoke to me next spider pig spoke to me then a stool spoke to me. "that's inpossible" said the princeable. "get out of here you foolish man". so poor homer walked home with his head hanging down. menewhile the prinserble Rocked back and forth. "how silly of that things could talk". quite so however heard of a talking Duff". "Arrgghh!" screemed the princable.
Anyway, it was a very hot day and I got very pink during gymnastics. Furthermore, I can reveal that Ben will shortly get 2 tattoos without parental approval. Starting on the inner right wrist with his name and date of birth, he will continue his personal details on his shoulder beginning with his postcode. I have advised him not to include the postcode as there is a slight chance he will move house during his lifetime.

It's a fair Cop, Guv

This house has just come on the market for the first time ever. A listed building, it was built for senior naval officers in 1798, has a huge walled garden with 2 orchards, stables, 12 foot ceiling heights, sea views, 10 bedrooms, balcony, all the usual stuff. It's nearly 5 times the size of our house. If I had £975,000, I'd buy it. Although it would mean living in Gosport ...
Cycled to school today which was much better than walking, I should do that more often. But this was because the Police were at my school today putting security markings on bikes, worth doing, why not. Well I'll tell you why not. I always end up at the end of the queue because I'm polite. When I got to the front, they'd run out of marking equipment.
As Jof was away I did after-school club again and spent the whole time with Ben. First it was football and then after cake it was Wild West Spy Battle in which some Playmobil plastic figurines did derring-do night-fighting which all kicked off when I sold Ben 2 empty barrels of gunpowder.
Sadly the school was locked so I couldn't pick up my bike, hope nobody steals it. We've found out our classes and teachers for next year and I've got the same teacher. There won't be any Puddlers in my class. In Cub Scouts I found that Adam is going to the same island on the same day, which means the same flight!

Barnes Wallis: the Bouncing Bum

Woke him up nice and early because Jof is away and I have to annoy somebody.
As we no longer seem to do the regular and predictable weekend shopping trips, we keep running out of stuff because it may have been a deeply ingrained habit, but it did work. So we walked to LIDL, glowing reports of the place from Erin. I got a bit sulky when he wouldn't buy me a real football, I tried to pull the one about well don't you want me to be a premiership footballer then but it didn't work.

Anyway I decided what to do today: swimming. We looked up the available pools and chose the Mountbatten and I cycled there with him running. It's a really big pool where I got the idea for my inflatable pool party. We checked the opening times on the website and arrived without getting diverted by any swingparks. The man behind the desk said sorry we're closed for an unspecified event. This made us slightly miffed and we cycled home again. On the walls of Portsmouth Football club (Specks Lane and the like) we always like to see the graffiti and indeed some youths were spray-painting their tags and mushroom-based artwork thereupon.
After some unfulfilling hours waiting, 5pm beckoned and we cycled/ran to Eastney swimming pool and had an hour and a half throwing the ball to each other and jumping in and swallowing pool water and it was ace. I'm quite a rubbish shot so I hit many humans with the ball and knocked over the pole and the sign and caused much merriment and consternation but who cares, I had a good time. You can throw the ball high and hit the Victorian iron rafters or skim-bounce it across the surface like the Dambusters.
Film night is Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure because I've kinda done the horror/action genre and it's nice to see a comedy.
Jof isn't happy because Nanna isn't happy. But I got to try out the new shower and declared it awesome.

A Cooling-off Period (DoubleNuts)

What a hot day! I didn't wake up for last nights' thunderstorms either.
A slow start with peanut butter on toast etc. I played Minecraft and Haymaker naked on the sofa, pictures not posted this time due to unreasonable interest from Austria.
But Jof was working so we did the bottlebank walk. Making sure we had sausages, black pudding and baked beans for tomorrows' breakfast, we met ex-Puddler Emma who had a piezo-electric toy plastic shotgun. It shocks the user via a live trigger and we all had a laugh about it, and in private, much pain.
The parks officials have cut down some big trees, perhaps storm damage, but they left some really big logs, shame we don't have a bonfire any more.
Then Jof got home, had lunch and left us again to see Nanna. You could tell she didn't want to, because she is tired and Nanna isn't doing well, not having a pleasant time, much like my other grandmother.
Jof had told us about the Southsea Food Festival so we cycled down and sampled the overpriced wares of the ice cream stall and pizza suppliers. There was a live band and many stalls often selling speciality olives. We got some artisanale pasta of many colours and some black pasta which we've kept for Jof.
Then we cycled all round the houses (my viewpoint, although it was an efficient route) to Yellow Plum Park where as if by magic we met Ben and the JBs.
We were just setting up bases for sniper attack when the promised bad weather didn't materialize and we decided to invade the JB house and fill their new paddling-swimming-pool with water. On the way, we were just enjoying free blackberries from the patch of unclaimed land just by Erin's house when Erin herself turned up and we morphed into a crocodile of delight, a convoy of hot kids, picking up Elizabeth on the way.
This was a team effort involving argument, a hosepipe, several buckets, pots, pans and at least one water pistol. Gradually the pool filled up and we cooled off therein, another epic performance by the JB household who can please many little kids with the kind of thing we like to do.
At some point water balloons made an appearance and we jointly invented a game of filling each others' pants with balloons and laying eggs and making double-gonads and squirting each other in the penis with the hose and the girls joined in as best they could and the adults got wet as well, but only because they were wetting themselves with laughter due to lots of inappropriate actions (if that's the way you see it).
BBQ pasta was thankfully provided just when we needed it so we simply recharged our batteries and got right back in again until about 730 when we cycled home, against my will, I wanted it to never end. I showered and we lined up for film night (Predator, another Arnie special).

A Lassence for my Minkie

Awoke to a cleaner world after the storms of last night.
Everybody else woke up and saw the lightning but I didn't, I imagine that many houses were burnt down in a fit of divine retribution but I didn't hear the fire engines either.
School was kinda boring today. We've got an awful lot of stuff to take home over the next 3 working days so in order to avoid a massive glut, we're directed to bring a little bit home each day. Soon I shall have to bring back South Korea (my world cup project), not looking forward to that, poor old Erin dropped some Argentina on the way home and wasn't impressed.
It's one of those things where the parents say "Oh my, what a wonderful piece of artwork, how creative" and then you mysteriously never see it again shortly after the next recycling day. He used to try to hide infant school stuff in the bonfire pile but as I was in charge of flammable fuel units, he didn't get away with it.
Well the weekend is here and I'm promised more thunderstorms but just when I'm asleep and can't maybe take a bus to the seafront, get loaded, and watch the show.

Heatwave!

A very hot day, we didn't wear shirts on the way back from school.
Thursday is a free day for me so I got my chance to do Loom-banding and Hayseed while housework went on so I could have been happy.
But you know the way, I got a bit hot under the collar I wasn't wearing. We took a single box of unused tiles back to the shop and they gave us some money, and tried to get money back from the bathroom shop whose error had cost us £60 in extra plumbers' fees. And we walked past MacDougalls. Once upon a decade I used to go regularly ie at least once every few months but it seems that there has been a McDrought.
So I complained and wheedled and griped even when he said we could go next week so this is why I'm a grump in the glue section. We were there to get glue to fix my Loom-banding box because the little cells where you keep each colour of rubber
band always fall apart. I was surrounded by Flex-o-stick and Insta-Bond and Adhesive-4-Ever and Plank-O-Grab etc but wasn't letting go of my huff that easily.
The bathroom walls are now painted, just the woodwork to go. Perhaps the heat is stopping us sleep and we all need the end of term.

Urinating into the Hurricane

Grandad is off for a couple of weeks to Verona and Pisa to check out the local hotties and also drop lead balls of various sizes off the leaning tower, as you do. He's only 85, after all.
For lunch, I ate the roll I made yesterday at Giant Tesco. It was unimpressive as it had spent so much time in my pocket drying out.
There was just the one builder when I got home, then he finished and left us with 8 binbags worth of rubbish, a carload of cardboard boxes and a big bill. The job is finished! Well, we've still got to paint, but soon the scooter won't have to live in the dining room any more.
Wednesday park was inconclusive. I played with LittleMax and Owen but some random invader kept booting the ball over the fence, it spent more time out than in.
Ben and the JBs arrived but disaster! When they tried to book sailing, it was full. So I cycled there alone. Cycle paths are dangerous places, someone was coming the other way and I had to swerve 5 times in order to not quite hit him. And then I got told off!
Erin and James from my class and Ben's friend Oscar were my compatriots today. We did the same training session although I kept telling everyone I was the best because I'd done it before. We had a new instructor because the old one had dislocated his shoulder paddle-boarding, a lesson there for would-be sportsmen.
Anyway we sailed up and down the channel, a sailor's life for me. Erin and James competed to book back in for next week and they were bad at steering, we nearly capsized and shipped some water but didn't turn turtle.
James did the same I've-got-a-big-one trick with the hosepipe and the instructor tells us that we can go out in pairs next week - no teacher! We get to choose our partners so let's see who's in favour. I showered lots due to being an old salty dog.

The Lithium Bomb

In a recent incarnation, I was a teenage public schoolboy, one of a group. Now, when enquiring young minds have time on their naughty little hands, the devil finds work and we were indeed a rich seam of Satanic employment opportunities. Once we had set up an experiment at about 3 in the morning in the physics lecture theatre and were busy successfully synthesizing and condensing amyl nitrate when pressure built up in the reaction vessel and the glass safety stopper rocketed skywards, breaking the 6 foot fluorescent light above. Debris fell everywhere, we panicked and ran (having turned off the gas) leaving a scene of devastation for the lab assistants to find in the morning. Nothing was ever said.
But what seems to have stuck in the minds of the co-conspirators at the reunion last Saturday were the Lithium bombs. Lithium (Li) is a highly reactive Group 1 metal that demonstrates a vigorous reaction with any acid, for example 12 molar (nasty) nitric acid (HNO3).
So we purchased some 100ml plastic medication bottles from the local pharmacy and got some clingfilm from the young ladies who lived over the cafeteria. Then, using Special Nocturnal Requisition Form #23 (laboratory master key I'd made myself using a micro-file) we signed out the acid and some lithium, which came in the form of little chipolatas kept in oil so they didn't spontaneously catch fire.
If you place a disc of lithium in the lid of the bottle, separated from the acid using the clingfilm membrane, and drive a nail outwards through the lid, the device can be quite stable. Then you go out to the woods, push the nail against a tree, and throw the holy hand grenade. The number of the counting is definitely not 5, it is zero. The nail-head pushes the lithium disc through the protective membrane into the acid, which eats through the oil layer, and starts on the metal. It glows hot and brightly as the reaction accelerates, the metal melts and the whole lot goes at once in a deafening crack, spraying hot acid and one lucky nail everywhere.
So having proved the technology, we sold some to the Lower 6th form (that beer money doesn't grow on trees, you know) and they set them off during end-of-term shenanigans. I'd stored one in an anonymous locker by the gym, must have screwed the top on too tight and ruptured the membrane because later that day, it blew the door off and the PE teacher had to use a fire extinguisher on the caustic, smouldering locker. Nothing was ever said about that, either. Ho Hum.
At school today we visited Giant Tesco to see how food is produced, and to learn about making healthy sandwiches.
We walked to the train station via my old nursery where a suspected pigeon crapped on my arm and I had to be given a tissue to wipe it with. The teacher laughed and the rest of my class wouldn't stop going on about it until they were threatened with being grounded. We finally took the train for one stop, and investigated the bakery. The ovens do 225°C and can fit 3 kids each.
I wasn't allowed to take a picture in the bakery in case the flash made the staff put the wrong number of chocolate chips in the lunch rolls. We used tiger bread to make bespoke sandwiches, Grace Wolverine did one that was 8 layers high because she loves lettuce. As part of the "Farm to Fork" education, we all made a little roll and baked it ourselves. This is why I didn't eat my lunch. In a flash of Reverso-Karma, my lunch tomorrow is my own bread roll with Tesco pate, meat and cucumber.

2-Step x 6-Pack = 12 Guage

Today in PE we played handball again. Last time I was the only boy on the team and we lost worse than Brazil. This time, even though I had been promised a better team, I still got a buncha girls, who chatted and were generally useless, especially when Calum budged Leona over and her arm leaked blood everywhere and we all had to go to the headteacher to discuss it. Some might say it's lucky to be randomly picked into a large group of girls 2 weeks running but I'm not sure.
Sunny so kicked the ball in the park again. We are of the same skill level ie rubbish so we played the dancing-around game without any sense of team play of the next generation Brazilian team, Ronaldinetto, Talktalk, Muriela, Grobag and Geraldinho. I kicked the ball right into the cleft of a sunbather, she didn't mind.
Then he painted while I played Hayseed, it's difficult to farm chickens while selling pizzas and buying tapestries and whatever else it is I do on there. When Jof got home I taught her to feed the chickens (they have snorkels) and she played it the whole time I was at Cub Scouts getting my 'Global' badge.

Achtung Schweinsteiger!

Bit of a lie-in today but poor old Jof had to go and see Nanna again, leaving hoovering-type instructions. I managed to play Hayseed for 2 hours straight while he painted the walls outside. It looks better and so does the floor which has a lot of paint too.
In Big B+Q we bought more paint and I played in the kitchen section, it's like a playground to me for some reason. Then we tried the real playground and kicked the ball to each other for ages.
I have this thing where I lick my finger, appear to have received divine inspiration, and then do a really rubbish kick that ends up in a tree. We had to bomb the ball out of 3 trees, using the same stick each time.
Then Elizabeth joined me and we threw it for a while until I realised I hadn't had lunch and we actually had to buy it from the Co-op. Jof got home late and we watched the world cup final.