Victori-arse Festival 2014

One of those slow-start days where we might easily have gone on to do absolutely nothing.
But some months ago, we'd bought tickets to the Victorious Festival of Music and Beer With Added Attractions, and we felt we had to make the most of them.
Last time it was at the Royal Naval Dockyard but due to a financial dispute and lack of space, they'd upgraded to occupy the entire seafront including the castle and bandstand.
We arrived and toed the line which was very long and twisty, but once they'd checked Jofs' handbag for hidden bottles and grenades, and installed the wristband of obedience on me, we got in and I started to wander aimlessly and lead them on a lengthy tour with no apparent destination.
I did the Fun-Bus which is an old London big six wheeler scarlet painted London transport diesel engined ninety-seven horsepower omnibus that has been filled with soft-play apparatus. It was kinda average and you only get 5 minutes on it because it's a free attraction as part of the Child-Friendly aspect of the Festival.
Then I did the bouncy castle, same rules apply. Then Jof wanted to sit down so I checked out the southern stalls and got distracted by the Ferris wheel. I'm not allowed on by myself so Bud had to accompany me and guess who didn't like it with his white knuckles and plaintive demands not to rock the pivoting chair.
The whole place was very strong on foxy hippy chicks with flowers in their hair and excessively bearded chaps with multiple tattoos and pints of real ale, although there was plenty of pretend ale in the other tents.
So to prove it, I went on the spinning dangly-chair ride twice and then Jof found us and said why have you abandoned me. So we did sensible things like having burger and chips (£15) and watching some live music but mostly I led them randomly into a live music venue (of which there were many) and straight back out again when I didn't like the way the bass music makes my ribcage thump.
The special smell of those special cigarettes with no name was prevalent but the numerous policemen didn't mind because the smokey people are less hassle than the vodka people.
I got another go on the bouncy castle until I turned my ankle and had to retire hurt with added howls.
But we did the D-Day museum, isn't it funny that you live in a city with a splendid resource such as the D-Day Overlord Tapestry and you don't go and see it until you have a free ticket.
There were some musicians on the seaside stage but they were too loud for Jof and we did the silent disco which just wasn't as good as last year and my headphones didn't work and we didn't find BensMum. Plus the tent smelled of wet dog.
I also had a giant ice cream and did the penalty spot challenge for a charity twice and got a lollipop and saw a chap asleep against a tree from too much beer and just when I was crouching down beside him he went roooo-argh which made me jump and drop my lollipop into the grass.
The queue for the Sea Harrier training module was long but I made it.
Jof left us because she just wasn't in the mood so we did more carousel action and the bouncy castle had been deflated so we saw some real acoustic live music and Bud said look, I found 16p on the floor when I got a pint of beer so come with me this time and see what you can find on the floor dropped by the drunken people.
I met him afterwards and declared a 20p coin, a yellow plastic guitar pick and a thing called a £20 note so I said is that good enough stupid, and he said Holy Foreign Split or something similar and we watched Shed 7 from the old Tudor earthen ramparts and had fish'n'chips.
But I'd run out of attractions and he was full of beer so we cycled back through the quieter streets of our adopted city without bike lights which is still illegal. I suppose it was 8 hours onsite. During the event, Jof saw one of her customers and Bud saw one of the people he works with. I saw Finlay and Owen and Leyton and Harry, so I totally win.