Sing Sing Sing the Farting Story

Decades ago, Grandma used to be a Music Teacher who sadly sometimes had to teach the infants group, which is pretty much playing the piano to them and getting them to sing simple songs and xmas carols in front of their own parents without wetting themselves. For the rest of the classes at least she could do Mozart and the rise of Rock'n'roll and the origins of the G clef and all the Italian notations and stuff.

And every year, a song called Wee Willie Winkie was part of the syllabus (Key Stage 1 hadn't been invented then, this was at expatriate schools in Africa and Saudi in the 1970s) and every year, all the kiddiwinks used to giggle and squee at the 'Willie' part of the title, and it's all very vexing but what are you going to do, they're children.

Has this in any way changed over the last 40 years now that everyone's on Tinder and Grand Theft Auto and Snapchat? No. Because 75% of the year group were under threat of missing the Friday end-of-term party because of laughing during the line "round yon Virgin meek and mild" even though they were technically laughing at themselves (well, most of them).

And some were chastised for singing about the farting story instead of the xmas story and the very angry teachers said if we hear it one more time you're all going to be kept in over the holidays.

I was one of the good kids and we shall inherit the promised land which is to choose our own film for when the rest of them are banged up in the slammer doing their porridge. Still, the whole school lined up at one end of the playground in our xmas jumpers and the piano was wheeled out and we sang several well-known xmas ditties in a variety of levels of effort and I hid right at the back which is easy as I'm relatively short.

Earlier, we had the xmas dinner which was turkey and sprouts and stuffing and a sausage and I don't mind the sprouts half as much as everyone else makes out although they do leave a sulphurous smell in your mouth. Later, Flynn came to the door and I gave him a tin and a half of Pokémon cards and he promised me a Mongolian banknote.