Play Foggy for me

Nobody seems to be any good at getting up nowadays. But for those of us who looked out of a window before noon, the fog covering the land was immediately obvious.

In the hidden distance you could hear the insistent mooing of the foghorns as they tried to outdo each other in a who-could-be-the-safest competition. Of course, I had endless streaming videos about valiant warriors building sandstone walls in cyber-space, a service that is not affected by local atmospheric conditions, so I didn't notice and didn't care.

At some point, I forget when, Bud went for a walk to see the fog up close and personal, and I agreed to go and play Pirate Ship Silly-Golf and waste some coinage of the realm in the flashing lights arcade of Clarence Pier, even though Jof has a cold.

It was all Scooby-Doo with the abandoned fairground looming out of the fog, and the Town Mayor dressed up in a cut-price werewolf costume to try and drum up tourist business for the 17th most haunted house in England. Horatio Nelson definitely saw no ships today, telescope or not. Meanwhile, the assorted ferries, catamarans and other seagoing vessels kept up a comical cacophony of tweeting, blarting, honking and mooing, and the lone fisherman by the Square Tower could have been 10 feet from the Isle of Wight Ferry and not noticed.

But we played the piratical golf and agreed to a maximum per hole of 5, because sometimes you end up going bat bat bat and not potting the white after 27 shots, and sometimes you smack it straight off the yardarm into the buttock crevice of a knackered-looking plaster mermaid and you forfeit the hole.

We drew 34 each, won £4 in the arcade and promptly spent it all again. On the way back it was totally dark and the fog had thickened so we kindly gave one of Jof's work-friends a lift to the Hoover-Craft because walking across the common in that pea-souper could have meant going round in circles or getting eaten by Pokémon, who infest the common in such numbers.

Film night was 'The Battle of Britain' in which chaps drank tea and Germans attacked and the Poles brought us back from the brink. Now I have a new set of silly noises to keep me company in the shower, such as Neeeoooo mrrrrr jigga jigga jigga boosh etc.