Farts: Ghosts of the things we eat

There were plenty of Poltergeists in the house last night. It was quite rainy and blustery outside so the house crumped and creaked and twanged and clicked and the plastic pipe that goes from the washing machine right through my room went grungegrungegrunge and people seemed to skateboard past our door at 2 in the morning and the secret government underground railway rumbled and the ghosts of former occupants over the last century slipped through the missing floorboards and whispered and cackled in 3 different rooms at once.

There's also a Smeltergeist in the kitchen but that may be more to do with Jof putting teak oil on the wooden work surfaces. Now it smells like great-great-great Grandad's workshop and looks great.

At school I got a Lip Bump Notice. Why is it always me? I was running along at full tilt and someone popped up out of nowhere and headbutted me in the mouth. I howled and did my special whooping cough which sounds like a Mach 4 vomit but by the time I'd got to the Bump Stop, I'd stopped and she gave me a Lunchtime Award sticker for being brave.

Afterwards I surveyed Windowman's work: today, he did my bedroom window but I can't touch it because of all the puffy glue stuff. Then I pretended to fall down the floorboards. There's about 3 feet of space under there, with compartments throughout the ground floor, all full of dust and dog hair. We got a torch and investigated 3 or 4 sections over about 30 feet. There's no end to the number of desiccated corpses you could hide, but we didn't find any.

Trampolining was great because I asked the Popster to visit me some time and then the Teacher gave me Badges 1,2 and 3. They're £2.50 each so we could only afford #3, but that's OK because it outranks the rest.

At last it is bin day. Down our street we can see the odd house with 1 or 2 binbags outside. We have about 15, and 2 bins and 3 boxes of cardboard as well. While we were putting them out (and avoiding the large group of tweenies with their bespoke cigarettes) the Erins arrived and I told Mrs Erin all about Lego Heroes and we all had a good laugh at my steel hip replacement joint and then Jof phoned us and said could we pick her up because she was cold and tired. I was too, but that's because it didn't occur to me to put my long trousers and a top back on.