The day of tidiness

So tasks today included:
1. Paint the plastic things in the new room
2. Sort out my toy tub and reduce its contents
3. Put suitable pictures into the new room
But we all know what went wrong.

The Housework Randomizer Theory

This states that however simple the job you have, allied, associated and ancillary tasks will present themselves unto you and the amount of work you must do will expand to fill the time provided.

1. Thus, to hang the pictures in the room, one must first de-hang every picture in the house and hold them up against the target wall, humming in a variety of tones to determine whether it is suitable.
2. All those pictures will now need to be cleaned with a damp cloth, because they've been up there for 11 years and the spiderwebs are 33 generations thick.
3. Then to hang the pictures, one must find panel pins. These are in the large toolbox under the table in the conservatory behind the boxes and running shoes and the green recycling box and the bag of chalk from the beach at Goring that I was supposed to give to all my friends.

4. So, seeing an easy way out, simply open the tool drawer where you often dump leftover screws and nails because you can't be bothered to get out the right toolbox from under the table in the conservatory derble derble derble.

5. Discover that you do not have 4 suitable panel pins in the lazy dump drawer, so have to clean the conservatory to get to the toolbox, and decide to sort out the lazy drawer and put away all of those leftover hooks, fuses, jubilee clips and the 7 bags of screws with unrelated allen key that you always get free with anything from IKEA.

6. Discover that once you have completely emptied said drawer, it's so dirty (hair, fluff, sawdust, 2 blue barleycorns from the rat poison, wire ends, several unknown devices and a fossilised conker) that you actually have to hoover it out.

7. Remember that you have 2 pictures still in the loft from when you cleared out the room to do the painting, go into loft and have protracted conversation about whether it's possible to sell that vast bag of Duplo Lego on Ebay, or just PuddleNursery it.

8. Meanwhile Jof has bagged up 9 of the 84 extraneous cushions from under her bed and passed them up, just as you notice the old baby carseat has got mildewy and when are we next going to the tip.

9. Remove selves from loft, on way out, take hedge trimmer down for a job I think you'll be able to guess for yourselves.

10. Hang pictures in room.
We have decided to sell the Duplo Lego. This means that it has to be counted and verified, and separated into its component parts for the photo that goes on Ebay. This also means that while he's trying to do that,  I shall build things out of it again and then beg him to keep it. During this period we nipped down the road to a house only 3 doors from LittleMax's place and took some wood for the Nov 5th PuddleBurnParty. Plundered booty includes a 6ft cardboard tube of approx 8 inch diameter (that's what he says) which we shall shoot rockets up.

Now we are 6

Well Erin is anyway. 6 is so old, nobody's 6 - apart from Johnny, and it feels like he's been 6 for 10 years. Today is party day actually on Erin's birthday for a change not on the following weekend or, in my case, a couple of months later. Thus I shall miss my swimming lesson today, I shall blame her if I drown.

Raced home and changed into party shorts.

Walked to the Kaves and was met my MeinHost Erin, to whom I gave a pink rattling present. Bit by bit the whole Puddlegroup arrived with bonus PuddlersPast such as Zak'n'Zena and a whole slew of schoolfriends. This crossover party was particularly good as we took over most of the room in that way that only a real team can.

After much hard and sweaty work foodtime was called and we trouped upstairs to the cramped and hot party thermidor at the end of the corridor. There were many chips and Erin got a cake with a rocket on it like JoniBobsDad did last week. With encouragement she managed to blow it out as well.

Then, as a supplementary surprise, it was Luca's birthday as well so he also had a cake but it was practically an afterthought, poor chap. The room was full of strange children of which Bud and I were only 2.

At the end we walked home with LittleMax and the entire massed ranks of the Puddlers did a drive-by hootenanny as they went down the pub. LittleMax came back to ours as it was cheaper: we played all the musical instruments and harvested some tomatoes before he went home.

If it ain't one thing it's her mother

Football today, one of the few remaining sessions before the money runs out for the charity that subsidises it.

I'm also back on Gymnastics - for the rest of the year, based in the gym at Ruby's school. Perhaps I'll get a certificate from this one.

After school we hastened down to footy after a quick pie/quiche/choc yogurt snack, as you do. All the usual contenders were there (even Elizabeth came down to fly her kite) and once he'd played goalie for a bit, Bud went off on a 5 mile run leaving us to get on with it. We're all glad the weather gave us this window of opportunity, winter seems to have arrived with a vengeance. After the match (my team won, but Johnny said we cheated) we shared out the spoils of our parent's food parcels of all nations as only well-trained 5 year-olds will do.

Today. It's yesterday's tomorrow and tomorrow's yesterday

Wednesday and my second day back at school. No wonder I'm confused.

Last night I revealed that yesterday we played "Name Bingo" with its 8-grid of names, first to win gets control of the pencil pot for the rest of the week. This is just so we get to know each others names in this new hybrid Year 1/Year 2 mixed class. But more important is that I told them, instead of reporting that this week in school we did

1. "Err, dunno"

2. "Don't remember"

3. "Umm....can I have my program now?"

Maybe gradually I will draw aside the diaphanous veil of secrecy that surrounds our classroom activities. I told them I did so much writing today it went onto a 3rd page but they'll never remember this at year-end when I bring all my coursework home.

It was technically a Wednesday so we parked. As Elizabeth and Emma have started school we got an even better turnout with Erin, Ben, Louis and the JBs and there were quite a few others from my school as well.

We had the usual snacks and the usual tiffs, Ben laid one on the much larger Louis early so he had the first howl but over the period all of the boys tried it. While I was hiding under the slide nursing a scratched head, Erin came in to hug me as she counts me as her boyfriend. If you look carefully at my bottom (if that's your thing) you can see the button that's supposed to be at the front. Bud and BethsMum only noticed my trousers were on backwards right at the end, their laughter was reason 3 of 5 for my later tears.

Then Ben clumped Louis another one so he had to go home. I found the hanging basket empty so got us all on and we swung until Ruby arrived looking for some swinging basket action. Bobert howled and we all thought he'd been injured but it turned out that while swinging, he'd broken off half his breadstick and was mourning the loss. Once I'd thrown a large stick at Johnny's head for kicking wood chips at me, I too was escorted home by security and I made sure (through all the blubbing) that Bud knew it was all his fault.
Erin is getting a dog. I hope it's not a jumpy-up, licky dog, and that Pops isn't allergic to it.

Back to school - Sophomore year!

Welcomed back by dark skies, monsoons and Alannah, my crazy ex-girlfriend.

It was all a bit strange in the new classroom but we got on with it straight away. I forgot to take my holiday diary so have the chance to write in another page this afternoon and pretend I did it last week. Look, I've put it next to the Butlin's minigolf game so it looks like I did it ages ago.

It was so windy and rainy today we only got one playbreak but we'll get our own back.

This term I shall be doing more singing than last year, don't know why.

At supper they wanted me to finish my plate so I pretended I needed to be sick which brought the meal to a satisfactorily swift conclusion. All that chewing is too much effort. I was then magically reinvigorated and roped Jof in for several games of snap under my own rules (if you get there first, the hand is declared null and void and I get another go).
The typhoons chased the gales from the sky in a downpour of blues (the sky is crying, look at the tears running down the street) apart from when the eye of the storm passed over just when Jof caught the bus. In the lull we harvested tomatoes.

The last day of summer

Pops is back at school today but I have a last-minute reprieve in the form of an inset day. Jof has promised me a trip on the hovercraft to the Isle of Wight so I can show her the sandy beach.
In other news, it's make or break day for the car. The garage will see how much it'll cost to fix it for another year and then compare that sum to the current value of the car itself. Maybe they'll have to throw it in the bin.

In the end I was cheated out of my trip on the hovercraft due to inclement weather. The backup plan was always Pirate Pete's which is right next to the Hoverport. So in we went, clutching bags full of buckets and spades etc....

We ate a hearty repast in that paragon flagship of cuisine, the Wimpy, and then wandered aimlessly getting buffeted by the storm force winds. The waves were coming over the sea wall but I still wanted to play minigolf: I was placated by the offer of a trip in a double decker bus, ironically the same one I first went on with Margaret. It's the Portsmouth to Brighton service, so we could have done it years ago, so why did we have to go to Goring to ride one? As we didn't actually want to leave town, we just got it from the pier to Palmerston Road, a crow's flight of a few hundred yards only, but it's the principle of the thing. After a mere 15 minute wait, I secured seat #1 for myself, the only seat worth having on a DD bus.
Tonight was the last-minute frantic search for all my gym kit, the things I was supposed to have collected for school, the things I was supposed to have written, read, kept, printed out..... perhaps I've just been having too much fun. I can give it up any time I like, officer, I'll start working hard first thing in the morning, honest...

New room at the inn

When I got up (10am) he was already painting. I told him the reddish colour was better than the stone castle colour and passed comments on his rollering skills while watching Scooby Doo. I could see today turning out just like yesterday for lack of interaction so went to get Pops. She had a date with Erin so when Erin came to collect Pops I got them both in my new improved den while ErinsMum did a little dance in the new room about how lovely the colours were.

I then got invited to go with them by doing my sad face when they left. I wonder if the Kardboard Haus of Kraziness is still there, lots of den potential there.

Later, this arrangement was overridden by JoniBobsDad's 45th birthday party which was another BBQ. Bud joined us there and was followed later by Jof. Splendid get-together again, much playing on the hovercraft and in the lego room while the hoverparents dealt with the beer overload. We filled up on sausages, wotsits, chocolate cake, pasta and cordite while they talked paint, parties and so forth. Finally extricated ourselves at 8 something (some have school tomorrow) and wandered back for showertime and laughter. Hooray for everything, may the PuddleGroup never end.

You're only mad once. But it lasts 80 years

Started well with a walk in the park and meetings with 3 schoolmates, be seeing them again in a couple of days. Bud started painting again so he'd emptied the lounge of furniture - it all went into the dining room. Therefore the dining room was a Class A potential den situation. I denned it up to the nines, arranged all my police and army planes around it and then invited Pops round to be Queen of Dens. This meant I didn't have to watch Bud painting and I was out of the way. Jof got home from work, had lunch (during which she had to move twice as the ceiling was being painted) and left us alone to go and visit Nanna. I went back to Pop's place and got myself another dinner invite, getting to be a habit, I've obviously learnt the magic words.

I was returned by PopsMum at 8pm (but surely, life begins at 8?) who came round to view the painting progress (3 walls done in lame khaki) and so Pops and I sang our latest song to Bud ("Buttox, Buttox, Buttox") very loudly.

Saturday night is bath fizzer night. Also terrible danger night with the radio in the bathroom with its extension cables etc. Nobody died. Hurrah.

Makin' it happen

Up at 0700, ready to go for 0720, eat your heart out, people over 5.

Jof is in bed with a cold, Nanna is home from the hospital, and Grandma/Grandad are in the Aegean (or the Adriatic).

First up: 2 hours of train track with Ben. We made a combination track so long, it went into 4 rooms. Then we made a den which helped us play Concealed Weapons when the JoniBobs arrived. We headed off en masse to Ben's friend in the Witterings and after a bit of trampolining in the front garden, hit the beach. Ben has an inflatable boat with a rope and his Dad towed us out to sea only for us to be washed back in again on a giant wave. We had horse's willies and chips with Butlins ketchup sachets. My wetsuit (£3 from the charity shop a couple of years ago) was absolutely ace and I love the smooth feel of it against my skin etc. The day itself was the last good day of the summer and we made the most of it - boating, beaching, sanding and rocking.
After a hasty retreat to Pompey I had 5 mins telly before it was off out again to swimming lessons. My teachers were different this week and one had a really big tummy, but I didn't tell her because Bud has instructed me in how to please the ladies from his vast experience.
Pictures will be added later. Not of the big tummy.
I missed out on going to the pirate ship pub because Jof didn't even get home until 7. But as she arrived, Follower Binkie and his dear wife Adele phoned to praise me, as everyone should.

Controlled burn

Last YMCA day of the summer hols so they're doing a BBQ, and asked us to bring contributions. 5 of 10 people will bring sausage rolls, 4 of 10 will bring burgers or sausages. I have elected to bring 2 large punnets of strawberries as it's not something any parent could complain about. 5 of 10 parents would say "Oh! But poor Horatio can't possibly eat burgers!" and the other 5 of 10 will say "Our Alfie dun't want nuffink but burgers". Also they were 3 for 2 at Tesco when Bud remembered to buy something.
We didn't go anywhere in particular today, just did party games and suchlike. There was dodgeball, football, basketball and all those other party favourites. There was so much food I didn't even open my lunchbox, which was a waste as the scotch egg and tunapastasalad spent the whole day in a hot gymnasium and had to be ditched untouched. When I got home I scrummed up the rest of the tunapastasalad which would be a decent meal for an adult. Bedtime by 830 as I'm going to be up for 0700 tomorrow, I was quite glad of this as I'd got a very full tum.

I quite like this cheeky Kernel Gadfly chappie. He owned a whole country and 3 other countries have thrown lots of bombs at him and he's still not dead.

NADGER

Colonel Gadfly of the desert, nomadic tribesman who secretly wished to be a 4^th Century Bedouin warrior, was rich. He was very rich. With one wave of his hand, the very grains of sand cowered and tried to hide behind each other, with one swirl of his lightweight camelhair Djellaba his goats bleated nervously etc etc. His chief financial advisor/assistant goat-herder/tent-pitcher (2^nd son, and too big for his sandals) told him that as of 4^th moon, year of the lost wildebeest, Gadfly was owner of:

1.    All the time in the world.



Alas, poor Yorick! No prizes for this one

2.    All the sand you can eat in 73 lifetimes.  

3.    All the dunes, Jebels, dusty areas, arid tracts, barren plains, rocky outcrops, shadowless stretches, gorges, pinnacles, boulders, ridges, sand seas and comical camel skulls as you could reach in 30 days riding from this position.

4.    One hundred and fifteen extended family, 6 million rebels, 400,000 non-allied workers, seven tents, four secret bunkers, twenty nine palms, several thousand demented sheep, forty three bow-legged goats (also demented), ninety-one camels, and one lost wildebeest. The two seagulls that had inexplicably followed them since 1^st moon were declared non-owned for tax purposes.

Unfortunately the 6 million rebels decided they wanted the sand (and the black oily sludge found beneath it) and shot all their Kalashnikazovs into the air until Gadfly hid in one of his secret bunkers.

The goats formed a union, The National Assembly of Demented Goats and Elderly Relatives (NADGER), which led to the Pensions Rights for Sheep Act, 1432.