♪♪ They Zika him here, they Zika him there ♪♫

The aroma of sausage rolls pervaded the house this morning as Jof baked her way towards 500. Feeding the 500 is something that we've heard of before, but the modern-day equivalent is sausage rolls, carrot sticks, cucumber slices etc. I elected not to attend the Valentine's sorry, Friendship Disco and of course I changed my mind later, but it was too late.

In school swimming my relay team were definitely going to win until Child C took 3rd length and floundered like a slug drowning. I am wondering whether sabotage next week to get us a replacement swimmer might not be a good idea.

The rain stopped just in time for my afternoon run and I chatted and walked so much to recover from the chatting that it took 25 minutes. At least we didn't go through the Slough of Despond today. I have found yet another new epic awesome game on the tablet called BoomBeach, in which you build bases and train armies and launch attacks and it's absolutely identical to all the other ones only slightly sandier.

So Jof spent the day preparing food for the Disco and working herself into the ground again. She hates kids which is fine but didn't add arsenic to the food. But they ate all of the cucumber and carrots and left half the sausage rolls, pizza and sandwiches (kids are as mad as barnacles, and those barnacles are barking), so boy O boy do we have a lot to hand out at Wednesday park tomorrow.

I did the best in my gym class for the cartwheel-onto-padded mat and remembered that I hadn't done my homework. I therefore knocked up a thesis on one of my favourite aliens, which was the Predator from such films as Predator, Predator 2 and Alien Versus Predator. We even have a Predator model from one of the film festivals. I shall have to say I have memorized all the details from stories told to me, those film certificates are just guidelines, right?

Stormogen: Whistling into the Wind

Good old Storm Imogen was doing well today, shame I had to go to work or I could have gone to the seafront to watch the waves, although the road was closed. Incidentally, it's national kite-flying day in the States, they would have done well over here. I got published in the monthly newsletter, reviewing the Year 5 sleepover

As you know, I am 'Newsreader #2' in the school play, which makes me a total anchor, apparently. So I took in my new whistle (Whistle and Toot - Suit) as my costume but didn't get to show it off today, it isn't dress rehearsal until Thursday.

So we had a full day of script run-throughs, and any student silly enough to forget their script received ritual humiliation at the hands of the sadistic teachers, with big gaps and everyone staring. And what do you know, Bud had taken my script to photocopy it, as part of saving my archives for the nation before I win my first 7 Oscars. Tomorrow, we aren't allowed to take them in as we're supposed to have learnt them all by then. He doesn't make it easy.

After school I went for my 2 1/2 kilometre run. I am fed up of going round and round the park so requested a new route which turned out to be down to Tunnel Park, across the grass and back down the pub passage. Of course 6 weeks of rain had left the park a quagmire so I needed to change trousers and socks and shoes (and mess up Jof's laundry rota) and the wind always blew in my face, didn't matter which way I was running. We saw many broken fences and lifted conservatory roofs and unhappy dogs.

In Scouts Flynn visited my bedroom and liked my signed photos but mostly my Nerf guns and then we did first-aid training for burns, lacerations, broken bones and so forth. We took it in turns to phone the emergency services and be the ambulance controller or triage nurse and bandaged or cling-filmed each other depending. Later Jof and I practised my lines while I still had access to my script, humph.

Gorilla Gardening

Jof was up last today which just goes to show. But while she had all the interesting jobs to do such as laundry and shopping, we picked up Obscure Cousin Margaret (78) at the station and drove north.

Petersfield is a 'historic market town' apparently, or so the sign says. Many of the houses are big and old and expensive, particularly in front of Heath Pond. I've been there a few times because it has some nice shops and an epic swingpark by the lake and top quality ice cream at the little kiosk. But we were there to do gardening. Margaret's friend had a house there before he died and she is in charge of selling the house so she asked us to make the garden nice for the estate agent to take the photos.

She had already cleared the inside of the house so we inspected it and it was empty, even the carpets had gone although there were quite a few dead bluebottles on the windowsills. He built up a fair old collection of flies in the months following his death but his body had been removed before I got there, for which I was thankful.

It is a 2-bed house in the less expensive end of town only but looks big and airy inside.

So I gave myself the job of chopper, and I chopped the hedges and bushes and raked the lawn and filled the green bags from the Co-op and chopped some more, however many times I was told to stop. We gardened for over 2 hours, surely I can get a Scout badge for that?

Anyway, it all looked a lot better and you could see the path and we got rained on a bit and we swept the moss off the conservatory roof and Margaret gave me a tenner for my hard work chopping and I shall spend it on Pokémon cards. When we dropped her back at the station, we were so skilful, her train was actually sitting there so she didn't have to wait at all.

At home, Jof cooked 500 sausage rolls for the school Friendship Disco (NOT the Valentine's Disco, you can't call it that, apparently) and I got bored. The wind made woo-ing noises as Storm Imogen passed overhead.

Aurorus Maximus

Today was one of those days you don't want to end, absolutely full of stuff and things, including victories.

First, I had a 3-rasher bacon sandwich, another culinary delight inherited from my dear mother. I had the shower I failed to have last night and went off to my acting lesson. Of course the Panto season has finished and there really aren't any other suitable stage productions for me to be in currently so the whole Drama School will be doing another Showcase next month to show the poor old parents that they aren't wasting their money on moderately expensive childcare.

So we were making up a story using pictures printed out on our parents' work photocopiers and I helped so much by ad-libbing a script workaround for one of our number who just wanted to be a Zombie that I won the Oscar for Best Actor Of The Week, I told you it was only a matter of time before my talent was recognized. And then the pretty girl with the smiling face and I reached a special understanding and sadly it was time to go home.

But we didn't. Because one of Jof's customers had mentioned a jumble sale at St Swithun's church so we went there and Bud found another book about war and I found a Die-cast Star Wars Clone Trooper (2006) in its own display case on a plinth and it's metal with moveable limbs and it looks really cool. I saw it and thought of Ben, because he's really into Star Wars (or his Dad tells him to be) so I bought it for him.

We fought our way through the football-related traffic jam and I absolutely insisted on opening the Clone Trooper I'd bought as a present for Ben and I ripped the box and basically I really wanted one for myself so we had to battle our merry way right back through the football-related traffic jam to the same Church Hall and I ran in and bought the other one, unmolested by me, un-shredded, not interfered with and virgin clean inside, honest.

Then I couldn't open the first one because I didn't have a screwdriver on me.

So, (football traffic) we wended our happy way up to Toys'R'us where I knew that there was a special Pokémon set for £15. I did not find it, but there was a better and more expensive alternative with a giant card (next to a normal sized one in this picture so you can see the difference) and 5 packs and I got lots of EX's and ultra-rare OP cards and you'll just have to believe me on that, for I sure do.

We didn't have enough time to visit the Harvester restaurant because of the Clone Trooper-related detour so we got sandwiches at Tesco, gosh, we certainly know how to have a good time. Then we met the Scout leader at the Scout lock-up and took out 4 old POD tents which we shall try to sell on ebay, unless you want to take them off our hands. Then (still not finished) I did my run around the park but got the stitch from hell and walked most of the course, and on a day when I wanted to time myself as well, what a bummer.

As you know, I am to play Newsreader #2 in the school play so I needed a smart suit. Bud found one in a charity shop for only £8 and so here I am accepting my Oscar at the appropriate ceremony. Poor Jof had a headache for which the only cure was boxes of chocolate so I tested them all to make sure they were good, someone has to. My choice for supper viewing was 'Rambo' so Jof went off to do laundry and us chaps talked about knives and snowlines and typecast special forces Colonels.

Block Withdrawals (in Spades)

Well at last we've been given the scripts for the Year 5 assembly, and roles have been allocated. Some students were not happy but I'm sanguine.

I'm Newsreader #2 and I have 5 lines so am seriously under-utilized but with 80 kids to find parts for, I'm just happy to be there, like Simon Pegg in Star Trek.

And I was awarded a Certificate of Achievement for helping a fellow pupil with her paragraph, every sentence started with "He was..." so I broke it up a bit and improved some of the spelling. Given that I'm unlikely to be called upon to contribute to the OED any time soon, my fellow pupil must be as clever as a doorstop.

I did my 2 1/4 km run and actively looked forward to increasing the distance so I can run to new and interesting places, I've been circumnavigating that park for, like, 8 years.

But my exercise was not finished for the day as I still had normal swimming. Miss Jenny was supposed to take our class but she retired yesterday which is just a lack of effort, if you ask me. So we had to double up with the Dark Blue Hats and I won every race. They say I might move up to Silver Hat soon, just like Jof when she was young.

At home we got some gardening tools out in preparation for tidying up Mr Maggot's garden. He died in bed and wasn't found for 2 months so was eaten by flies and now we have to tidy up so the estate agent can take nice photos. I have been assured that Mr Maggot himself has long gone, although I could do with a skull for a novelty item, putting either a dribbly candle on it, or a lightbulb in it. I've got a human skull, but I'm kinda using it right now so a spare could be useful.

Then I took down 4 boxes of Lego from the loft, or rather my assistant did. I have only 1 hour of computer games per day and however much I complain, it turns out that I have bags of free time, even with the 5 different classes I go to each week and the daily runs and stuff.

So I withdrew my train track, and all the randomly-shaped bits but not the humanoids or the flats or the bricks (far too heavy, quite dangerous getting them up there, let alone making an uncontrolled descent).

The Three-Legged Stone Eater

So at school today we did mini-auditions for the Year 5 assembly/performance. We have not yet been given scripts, running orders, been cast in roles, told what the roles are, or practically anything about the entire event other than it is Star Wars-themed and we might be showing off some of our work. Maybe I'll know more tomorrow, maybe I won't, that's school for you.

In extra-swimming we asked Mother Superior whether I could move up to the next group, and when would Miss Jenny tell us. But she said that Miss Jenny retired today and she herself would retire next week, given that she's 74 and her knees are giving her gyp.

Where does that leave us students of the hydrological arts? Will we have to go back to Red Hat group because nobody remembers us? I am worried that I'll have to wear armbands again.

Today's stupid picture is about the myth of the 3-legged Stone Eater. This secretive creature (could be an ambiguous amphibian or a mystic mollusc) inhabits the pond of Edge Grove, the boys-only preparatory school I attended in 1977 (previous incarnation) and to this day, it is unknown even whether it is a 3-legged entity that eats rocks or a rather picky eater that only consumes 3-legged stones.

So I am eating 3-legged pebbles because I am on a silicaceous diet.

Then I still did my 2.25 kilometre run after my hour of swimming, and here's another seafront sunset because they're nice.

Squid Inc.

I really couldn't get going this morning. Perhaps the increase in exercise is getting to me.

After school I did my run around the park as before, starting out with gloves because it was cold, but they came off after a while as I got hot. I also wanted to finish before any of my friends arrived because I'm not ready to race any of them yet, and someone like Robert would beat me easily and might laugh at me.

When I met up with them later, we played all the usual stuff but I did sulk a bit and ended the day limping in both legs, which is difficult to pull off. Lights off 9pm, very tired. Sometimes tiredness makes people grumpy.
Incidentally, if I ever start a Calamari business, I shall call it Squid, Inc.

True Grit

Jof had today off so didn't have to get up so early. I woke her up, can't have that.

At school we did our extra-extra-swimming and I was one of at least 2 divers that lost our trunks on the way in. I lost my goggles too which made retrieval doubly difficult.

Towards the end of the day I went to the gym and learned a new routine with lots of turns and jumps and leaps and roundoffs and all the usual things.

But the achievement of the day was during my 2 1/4 kilometre run. Following yesterday's chatfest, Bud challenged me to go the whole run without talking, because talking while running can get in the way of breathing, which is useful for running, you know the way it is. So I picked up the gauntlet and ran with it. And you know what, I kept on going and even though I had ample opportunities to stop for a breather, I suddenly got a case of determination and went the whole 2 1/4 km without stopping once!

Now, I may not have broken any records but for me, on only my 8th run, that was epic. I deserved a pint of iced mango juice.

Just Taking it as it Comes

I was distracted at breakfast, had to spend ages trying to find a decent TV channel so didn't manage to eat successfully. But the 2 halves of bagel I mistook for 2 complete bagels, the yogurt that I refused to eat and the banana I didn't have all sounded like a nice big healthy breakfast when I told Bud about it later.

Today's special guest was a NASA engineer who has been busy inventing a rail gun, space elevator, knife that vibrates at the speed of light and an unbreakable shroud material for satellite launches.

I have resumed my daily runs. Using Google Earth to plan a slightly longer route, I decide to run once around the park as before, and once around the outside of the park, on the pavement. This is only 1/4 of a kilometre more, but that's 2 1/4 km a day that I wasn't doing before. If only I could stop talking the whole way round I might be able to breathe. I have decided to grow a beard again. I will stop shaving for, say, 3 or 6 months and see how I look.

In Scouts we played Ladder Tag in which you all have to line up on the floor in 2 lines and various pairs hop between the outstretched legs like when soldiers jump through tyres and back round to your original sitting position. It was a score draw overall and we might have to do it again next week. On the way back, Flynn remembered our chicken discussion: by now the heroic chicken has taken refuge in the belly of a tiger to escape the hunter, used a knife to escape, maintaining a grip on its can of soda, reality and a jetpack designed for flightless poultry. In the next episode, the chicken will buy chicken from Tesco in order to create a New Model Army. It doesn't have to make sense to you. We're 10.

Post 2000

Woke up at 0630. This was bad planning because Ben and I were still babbling to each other at midnight, but there'll be plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead.

We went to watch football but loads of sweaties chasing a ball doesn't do it for me so I came home and got straight onto the computer and the afternoon was spent Harry Pottering. Anyway, I deserve the time off. So here's a picture from an earlier time when I brightened the Queen's day by visiting London. I'll be going back soon.