Buffet at the Bakery

Today I woke up at Nannas' house, always a bonus. She gave me £3 towards my nest Lego item, I'm saving up for lots of different things all in the £60 - £90 region, sadly my funds aren't swelling as fast as I deserve.
The big thing about today was the Buffet at the Holly Blue carvery (which Ben calls a bakery) which is just up the road from the farm we go to in the summer. Also nearby is a local brewery and we'll get the PuddleDaddies some samples next time. Nanna gave us some more seashells for our collection by the door and a six-inch high sea captain with binoculars and ships' steering wheel: not sure about him.
The Carvery had 4 meats and lots of roast veg and gravy and you can go back as many times as you like but not for meat. I had turkey and filled up on peas. The journey home was better than yesterday where there was a crash at Chichester and puddles so big you couldn't drive through them. It was so good to be home I helped make supper again.

Love me on TweetFace! You know you want to .....

Fooled you - I'm not here!
Got up 8-ish just when Bud was leaving for work and spread the love to Jof, who was not impressed. We are going to Nannas' today but he is not, no doubt straight down Frugal McDougalls' Liquor Shack to disport himself disgracefully through the ale- and bawdy-houses of the nearest port.
As I am now bifurcated, you will have to wait until I am reunited with myself for a fuller update. However, we can now have a sneak preview of my latest log - the TellOffLog™! This records the number of times I am admonished every day, giving documentary proof of how terrible my life really is. These statistics aren't damn lies. Better look out - I'll analyse you too!
The early chart curve indicates heavy chastisement traffic with an average of over 12, peaking at 17. It's a wonder I'm still alive. Plus I missed Beer'n'Bombs at Bens' place, just because I'm being cosseted by Nanna.

Enact Protocol 7!

Kinda had to run to school today, why can't they make it later?
Played Rugby in extra-extended PE. We played belt tag in which you have a ribbon thing stuck in your belt and the chasers have to grab it from you at which point you become a chaser, possibly undead as you have to have a blood transplant. Then your partner had to go to the other side of the playground and you have to do the sideways rugby pass and throw the ball as far as possible towards them but its not measured in centimetres and whoever gets it the furthest but its not about distance its nearest the partner very far away look I'm not 25 you know I'm explaining it the best that I can god what are you totally stupid or something I've told you it's who gets it the furthest but nearest only by eye....
Then I got Legotime at last. I really didn't mind having to eat the quiche and ham sandwich and kiwi and Kinder Egg, because it gave me strength for swimming where I'm getting really good at handstands.
I am to perform one of my periodical spreading-of-the-gorgeousness visits to Nanna tomorrow so I packed my own suitcase and quality-checked
the spice rack for her present and liked the Lego set that is my reward for being me. It has a shark and everything.

Hey Buddy, can you lend me $13.7 trillion?

I am a god, and through no fault of my own am currently being held against my will in a prison of utmost torture. I have had a horrible day because people keep being mean to me and saying bad words and pushing me over.
As I have a no-dob policy on my fellow inmates, they are all happy while they are nasty to me and I am sad in a corner.
If you could see your way to lending me $13.7 trillion, I will repay you as soon as I have ascended to a plane of enlightenment.
Also, I had to do my Prove-you've-read-the-book quizzes in my break-time because I was doing work during school hours.
Anyway, once I'd regaled Bud with the story of how horrible everything is for the entire journey home, it was Park Thursday, and suddenly I was happy again.
It was cold and dark and splendid as Ben and the JBs and I played football with the bigger lads until the much bigger lads said rude words too frequently and we played police chase with the scooters and bikes. We still got well over an hours' fresh air and fireworks went off behind the trees and we were the last in the park. Even the teenagers with their unevenly manufactured cigarettes left before us.
Later I completed many more online book quizzes in the hope of outstripping the whole class and getting more Quiz points. I am a little Quizling.

Dread Pirate Bobert

Cyber-fugitive

News reaches me that "Silk Road" the special website for special people who want to buy and sell guns and Bolivian Marching Powder using digital currency 'Bitcoins' has been busted by the FBI. The creator of this Naughty Ebay is "Dread Pirate Robert", and incredibly, I've known him for years. My Dread Pirate Bob certainly likes his guns and swords and is indeed a mighty snorting powder ranger, with plenty of excess energy.

Raining Fire from the Skies upon the Heads of our Enemies

Drizzly day, and the promised firework extravaganza is here again. This is the Municipal display, not a domestic one, traditionally held on King George's playing field in Cosham, right in front of the giant hospital. In the past we have taken Poppy, bought many flashing plastic items that last 8 minutes, and tried to lose Jof in the heaving crowds.
The first thing I do when I get home is ditch my schoolbag for my servant to deal with, and flop in front of endless TV programmes of a certain quality. For some reason he has got wise to this and ordered an hours' reading.
However I am also wise and accomplished the task in this fashion.
Railing against the unfairness of it all - 3 minutes.
Choosing which book to read - 3 minutes.
Renegotiating the task to half an hour - 2 minutes.
Distracting him by asking about globes - 4 minutes.
Complaining about the writing style in the book - 3 minutes.
Declaring I was hungry so would only do 15 minutes - 0 minutes.
See? Thought I was stupid, did you?
Then Ben arrived for no reason at all and was abandoned by his uncaring mother who wanted to watch programmes without Bens' interference (Benterference). This was wonderful for all concerned. Jof came with us and we parked on Military Road and walked across the bridge and under the motorway right to our target fence.
We had time to abuse the bonfire-lighting people who were rubbish. I've lit fires better than they did. Eventually they got it going and we did the thing where you shine a torch up your nose and tell ghost stories. There was a good 20 minutes of fireworks and 2 chocolate bars each and no toilets for Jof.
At the end of the display we complained that we'd seen better, and walked back the way we'd come with 25,000 others and each had a wee in a bush, another advantage we have over Jof.
All the way home we quacked and laughed at the 'Diary' I'd scribbled when I was younger and all my numbers turned out backwards. (O, 1, ɀ, Ƹ, 4, Ƨ, ȸ, Ɂ, Ȣ, ρ...)

Hobnail and I

I declared that the most interesting thing to happen today was getting a male teaching assistant to cover for when Mrs M was doing some assessments.
We all need to gain 'Table Points' and 'House points' and probably class points and individual merits and so forth. This afternoon I pulled my usual backup when I'm desperate which is holding the door open for everyone else as they trudge through to the parental pickups.
 Apparently I get 10 house points for this menial task, just think what I could get if I did something useful.
After Lunch II we drove to my new Gymnastics lesson - same thing, just later. We got 9 bonus minutes in the park but it was dark and cold and I got cold fingers although they were periodically illuminated by local fireworks.
Gym was not the same at all. The new class is much harder work and far more complex. I did handstands, headstands, bridge, splits, forward and backward rolls, waffle drops, trampolining, parachute attack, touch toes, 3 times through the foam pit, hand jumps on the parallel bars, pushups and more. I need practice, but did well for a first attempt. I've gone from being the tallest to the shortest in the group simply by moving groups.

The Polar Express

A real, government mandated pyjama day. My year group is attending the 'Polar Express', a ticketed event which requires both pupils and teachers to dress in pyjamas for the day. Could be fun, as many of us have proved to be priapic, even at this age, and tiny tumescences may cause mirth.
Not the best walking-to-school weather, though, for pyjamas. I got a 100% attendance award certificate for turning up to school for the first half-term. Considering I got 100% for the entire 3 years of my last school, this is small beer.
We made Pompoms, mine didn't turn out very well. We made big paper cut-out snowflakes, mine didn't quite go to plan. We watched some of the Polar Express film.
The range of nightwear on show was quite ... colourful, but as I was last out of the building again, the picture of me with the teaching assistant in the background never happened as they got bored and went in again. All day, Year 6 were cycling round the playground doing engineering investigations into cogwheels and Year 4 were all Harry Potter.
Ben and I played Lego crackbangs before Beavers, all the models seem to be Lego Humanoid Figurines at strange angles on rotating propellers etc. We scooted through the park in pitch blackness. Suddenly we were under attack! Small bombs kept going off near our feet, we found it was Bud chasing us and throwing snappits, those little cordite'n'sand paper wraps.
This was new and fun. We were secret agents escaping from enemy territory under withering fire.
We both got a few to throw just before going into the church hall, where 5 Beavers were promoted to Cub Scouts in Ye Ancient Ceremony of Jumping over a Blue Strip of Plastic Sheeting (representing a river). We'll be doing that in the new year.
On the way home (after accidentally dropping and detonating some Snappits in the Scout hall) I was a bank robber escaping through inky darkness with the loot under a hail of police gunfire and cheers of encouragement from the teenagers on the swinging basket. Later I donated and wrapped presents for the school Xmas boxes while 2 men delivered us a mattress, only a week late.

Unreasonable Chastisement

Woke Jof up this morning and got told off lots because my little sharp elbows stab her when I fidget, which is all the time and especially when he tickles me, so we were both banned by shouting. So I have created a chart where I log all of the tellings off and each day will have a bar graph or similar.
I announced not too long ago that I would be making a chart of my friends with little pictures that go up or down the ladder of happiness and approval depending on whether they've been nasty to me or not. I never actually got round to making that, but lets' see how the TellOff log goes. Perhaps if I have enough logs I will get a logjam, which I believe requires Senna pods to cure.
Later I turned down the chance to go to a different park and chose to go shopping instead. This was so I could push the trolley which I insisted on doing even when it got far too heavy for me and I kept clipping shelves at the end of aisles and crashing into fat women.
I wanted to create a really big army base so we stuck all of the big flats together and arranged all of my pre-built models on it, even Jof made a castle. Later we made 'Crackbangs', strange creations all lumped together, like the mad things you build with all the leftover parts from Airfix model kits. Then I made supper (all apart from lifting the plates down from the cupboard I can't reach). Pasta in Spinach & Ricotta sauce with veg has never tasted so good.

A God you can Believe in

When I woke up (0900) it was just Jof and I again so we didn't hurry and didn't do anything. Ben summonsed me for quiet play to help him come down from his football high so once the car was back, I commanded a lift round to his and we started on Lego. Sometimes simple people need simple days.
At the Halloween party he did his new trick of going around with his sticking-up willy out making the Mummies laugh. OK, so it's not a new trick and it was actually a plastic finger with a nail through it, but the thought was there. Perhaps I'd better become a lawyer so I can earn a living getting him off charges of indecent public exposure.
We filmed Tours-Of-The-House on his Mums' phone until the battery ran out and then made 'Sprites' on a program called Scratch which his Mum reckons she wrote the code for. It makes blatty vine-style clips with strobing colours in funny shapes that you design yourself. Ben is quite flash at it but I had a decent go too.
Eventually I had to go (only 3 hours?) and we saw many fireworks, must be nearly time to remember a political assassin. Bath fizzer night ensued, bed for approx. 2325, still babbling.

Wasserfest! (kein tropfen zu trinken, of Platypi and men)

As of today, WurstFest opens again with the official Tapping of the Keg and the equally official Biting of the Sausage: several thousand Texans will gain 20 pounds in weight over the coming week. Nobody says Zu Befehl, Herr Oberst any more, because Operation Paperclip is obsolete and even Wiesenthal has given up chasing Argentinians.
He got me up today so I was there on time with no rush, even though I had my traditional last-minute unexpected poo before leaving the house.
However we discovered that while we were off work yesterday, workmen had dug up Kate-Lynns' road (where we'd parked) and put up Road Closed/No Entry signs with sandbags and a giant orange traffic cone. So there we were, at 8 in the morning, removing highways agency furniture so we could get the car out.
Today I got double swimming: in YMCA I chose not to do Lego but played football with mulatto Ansah of my old school who has spectacles as thick as a pint glass but is very very keen on football.
Later I did papier mache and made a Platypus which I absolutely insisted I had to bring home to finish, why does everybody start talking about cardboard recycling when we've spent all day making a platypus or particle accelerator or Patriot laser-missile platform?
In normal swimming the numbers were a bit thin on the ground (or indeed the surface of the pool) so we did 3 lengths for show and played water polo. Because of the way it is, nobody had to be taught the rules or had an advantage due to special skills etc so we all just got on with it, laughing and treading water and getting excellent swimming practice without knowing it. It was only 6 a side and really deserved a photo but we're not allowed due to underage swimsuits. My team (un-hatted) won 4-2 against the hatted team even though Teacher John was taking it all far too seriously.
ps did you know there are only 12 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet?