Mission Unpronounceable

Up in a whirlwind of efficiency and to the YMCA by 0815 which is when they opened. Looking forward to paddling with at least 3 Puddlers as it's swimming day.

Meanwhile some number rocks were returned to the sea from whence they came and a small task force slipped silent and unnoticed from port. Well reformat my hard drive with a Bosun's cockatiel, I said to myself, I wonder if Syria's in for a visit.
Back in 1980s Saudi Arabia, the local authorities had cash enough to erect some national monuments due to a slight petro-dollar windfall. So on every street corner there was a garish, baffling or merely inadvisable statue or other in styles as yet unknown. One was a 20-foot high thumb, pointing skywards. So of course us expatriates instantly called it Thumb Road - most roads look similar as they were essentially concrete and sand with assorted feral dogs, so it was useful to have landmarks. However the authorities got wind of this. They wanted the road to be called Prince Faisal al-Abdelaziz ben-Mehmet bin-Massoud al-HamduLillah el-Whatsisface Street not Thumb Road, so they took the thumb down. Since then, it's been known as Ex-Thumb Road.
On and off thunderstorms today - Pops got the fears but next time there's a good one I'm going down to the seafront to watch it from one of those glass bus-stops by the pier.
Had a top day in YMCA, no Bob but an Erin and a Beth. We swam, drew, made castles, watched tennis, bought sickly red strings from the tuck shop and scooted around the floor on sofa cushions that had clearly been rescued from a skip. I have a rash on my tum again - same cause as last time, the raft thing in swimming is scratchy.
After bedtime there was a pitched battle in the kitchen trying to catch a mouse.

Gym'll fix it, stone the crows

An excellent start to the day - TV, Lego heroes and computer games. Then it got a bit more hectic with a trip to the Portsmouth Gymnastic Centre for an hour's session. This was not a structured instructions-for-badges thing, it was just play like at the kiddie parties. Sadly it also 100% coincided with tennis with the JBs but I had already made my decision.

After the gym, my little legs were so tired I reneged on my promise to cycle up to the little sandpit park by Hilsea Moat but on his run, Bud had found something else. The council workmen had been tidying the forest of Hilsea Lines and had cut down a load of trees in readiness for bonfires. Some of them looked like excellent bonfire prodders. Look at the two sturdy staves I'm holding up just like Queen Victoria with the pair of Ninja swords. Well shave my barnacles with a snub-nosed carbine, I said to myself, the next time one of those treacherous Billy Goats McGuff come trip-trapping across MY bridge, I can give him a little taste of Mr Quarterstaff, can't I, then we will see about who headbutts who off his own bridge, O yes indeedy!

But no sooner had I finished lunch then we were off again, to meet Speaking Rock Man who swapped us some of his rocks for some of ours in a furtive anonymised meeting in a downtown cafe (although my cover was blown when George from my class was already in there).

Why, some may say, but I now have a genuine bit of signed art that declares "This stone dreamt of the ends of the earth but it's barely been to the edge of the island", and a number rock that says "What does the future hold?".

Well, I knew and I didn't. I knew that when we went into Knight and Lee, I would buy Black Phantom, the biggest Lego Villain. What I didn't know was that a very large noisy fire engine would chase us right to the very door, making us cross the road 3 times to avoid being run over by a phalanx of firefighters.

Well, Butter my Chestnuts

Recovery day. We got up very late and everyone was quiet apart from Jof who insisted we did housework. He hoovered while Jof and I cleared out all the paperwork: we recycled the free baby magazines from the NHS and all my "Welcome to your first year at school" stuff.

After lunch we (like the rest of Portsmouth) went to Gunwharf to watch Pirates! In an adventure with scientists! which was very funny. Erin and the JBs have seen it already and there are many jokes buried within for the eagle-eyed viewer. But we arrived at the wrong time so had to bimble around the complex for an hour before the film started: I got candied snakes and played on the machines with the flashing lights, and played air hockey even when the blowers had run out.

Jof says that I've got enough money to buy Black Phantom, can't wait.
At the promised Bath Fizzer and Potion night, I opened a Monster Milkshake Shop and sold Swamp Grass Smoothies.

The Tower of Babble

We were out of the house by 11am, a personal best. Parking up at the sprawling car park in front of Pirate Pete's, we walked through Clarence Pier towards the Square Tower, which was our objective. Right at the end of the last building on the pier (yet another amusement arcade with the flashing machines) there was a picture of the pier, sitting on the exact spot from where the picture was taken.

Strange? Well, no. For we immediately knew who had done it. Speaking Rock Man (Los Dave) and his band of heroic intrepid free artists regularly leave bits of free art all over Southsea and say if you like it, take it home. We did.

 We continued along the massive sea wall, built to keep out the Frenchies. I particularly liked climbing on it just where there was a big sign saying don't climb on it. We reached the Square Tower which was open, as they have a Tea shoppe and stalls of arty stuff. I nipped under the go-no-further rope and climbed up to the roof but it was locked. We investigated all the nooks and crannies in the very very thick walls of the tower, which is where Bud and Jof had their wedding reception party. They were obviously preparing for another one.

From there we continued along the sea wall to the end by the Round Tower where we saw a big old crowd of people looking at paintings and things. It was labelled Portsmouth Free Art Exhibition, and I saw a number of things I recognised - or at least, the style. Well griddle me with a spokeshaver's coracle, I said to myself, I bet Speaking Rock Man is here. And he was.

After we'd met him and looked at the excellent selection of art, a man called Mydogsighs (yes) made a speech about how nice it was that so many people had turned up, and then he said we could all have one bit of art each. Then it was readysteadygo and there was a mass scrimmage as we all rushed forward to claim our coveted item. I got a signed picture of one of Los Dave's speaking rocks and that was truly what I wanted the most. It will go up in my bedroom alongside the picture of the pier we got from the pier.

On the way back via Nelson's Bridge, we found another bit of free art, but left it for someone else as that would have been greedy. Well, that was the morning. What could we do for the rest of the day?
OK, so Jof had spent the intervening period making us an Easter roast. We ate as much as we could once Bud had got back from his run (only 7 miles today, wuss). Then it was pub time.

OK, that's a lie. I was given 30p and told to spend it on the trains - nobody else was in the queue so I got the whole train to myself (royal train so I waved accordingly). Then we hot-footed it to the pub where many Puddlers had gathered to watch the football. They did their stuff while we did ours.

 

The Landlord had prepared an Easter Bunny hunt (sadly BensDad was not here) and when the time was called we all ran outside and porged ourselves senseless on free chocolate. 3 1/2 pints of beer later, the choctopi were served and we went choco-mad all over again.

Then it all descended into chaos as we played football (3 of us against Ginger Lenny who is destined for a premier league space) and pool (Elizabeth knows where the magic ball-dispensing button is) and the PuddleParents carried on with their Bar duties as we carried on with our refusal-to-do-what-we-were-told duties. At least we're honest and won't even pretend to do as we're told. Sooner or later it had to end when the JBs left and we all exeunted severally.

After supper 2 I was too tired for bath fizzer night, it shall be carried over.

If I didn't have to breathe, I'd be laughing all day.

The invention of the CHOCTOPUS

Today is a sandwich day, not because we ate a lot of sandwiches, but because it's a quiet day sandwiched in between 2 complicated ones. After the Puddle Sports Day with so much hard work done in the marquee afterwards, we needed a bit of time off to consider things. So I chose to go to Sainsbury's with Jof rather than go to the charity shop and buy a 20p car.
Once I'd got back there was a surprise waiting for me up the road, so I went and collected her. Pops has just got back from Egypt where they had a really good time. It was very burning hot and full of sand and camels and they went to the Pyramids and the Sphinx. She has brought back a lovely suntan which makes her look even better. I slyly inviegled her into Box 7 and we played jumping on the padded floor. We shut all the curtains and doors and put a blanket over Box 7 so it was very dark indeed and nobody could see what we were getting up to, then asked for some of those candle-like LED lights so we could see, and pretended it was Halloween. We watched "Arthur Christmas" until her meanie old parents retrieved her.
15 or so years ago, Bud invented the choctopus. It was a little doodle and describing-note in the margin of a greater work, like Leonardo's parachute. However it was not until today that it came to life, to be handed out at the pub tomorrow.


First, obtain your raw materials. You will require: Cadbury's chocolate fingers, smallish easter eggs and melted chocolate.
Arrange fingers in a star shape, 8 each.





2. Pour a blob of melted chocolate right into the middle to glue the fingers together.
Melt a little bit off the pointy end bit of the cheapo easter eggs and stick it onto the melted chocolate.




 3.  Once all your choctopi are built, it is time to consider decoration.

4.  You are not a professional chocolatier or even a day-release prisoner with an ONC in Confectionery so avoid the temptation to overdo it: your skills are limited.
However, these are for kids so make sure you overdo it. Hint: hairstyles are very important to Octopi and they are always very happy, with faces bordering on the insane.

5. Here I have added fluting to the arms and a nose rendered in glittery icing.

The results are very silly.

Don't make yours a mean marine mollusc, make him a silly cephalopod.

Jof has taken pity on my lack of skill and has done some backup ones in case mine fail abjectly. Perhaps they are in fact chocolate starfish.

At the top: well-known spaceship invader owned by Lurrrr, Ruler of planet Omicron Persei 8.

Further down: head lice, also known as "Nits".

Later in the evening I was so eager to show Jof something I had done with the PopsFantastic, I stubbed my little toe something chronic and with Claret abounding, I had to forego Bath Fizzer Night (and even a quick shower) and hit the sack gently.
Ben. Get your little bottie back here quicktime to pubfest Easter egg hunt.

Easter! (Show me the Bunny)

'Twas a day like any other day, until it all started. I rang the JoniBobs to say did they want to come round and play in Box 7 for a while. Mr JoniBob counter-bid let's meet in the park and play football and then reward ourselves with a beer'o'clock. I saw him and raised him a box first, then park.

So the JBs arrived by bike and Johnny and I got on with Lego Hero-ing while Bobert collected teddy bears to go in the housebox.

Then Erin texted from the park saying where are you, then, and we all decamped top haste by bike to the large footy area in the warm sunshine and set up shop. Jof brought swingball, we all played football with rotating teams of confusion and then switched to cricket. Somebody must be a Bob Willis fan because the runups started getting longer and longer, we ended up starting the runup from practically outside the park which doesn't help bowling accuracy.

We all had a go at everything - goalkeeping, striking, bowling, sulking, batting, swingballing, wicketkeeping, riding bikes round and round the park and Going Off In A Huff. I think the greater numbers plus many different sports was key to the success - if you got in a huff about one thing, you could simply try something else. We ebbed and flowed between all the disciplines for ages.

And if that wasn't enough, then it was beer'o'clock. We all climbed on the broken house and found a bit of broken-off broomstick and used it as an incendiary Bomb to throw into the house. This was OK until Johnny got a small girl right in the face and wouldn't say sorry. This got him the red card and he had to go home.

But Erin came on as substitute and Gemma's Charlie joined in, and once she'd got rid of her outlaws, Elizabeth came on as guest speaker with an impressive amount of blood running down her face from a scratched spot and we were set, fuelled by choccie biccies. Shame we didn't have a Ben as well.

The adults kept visiting the bar and Jof spilled her pint all over ErinsMum and we ran rampage in the garden until hometime.

Straight away we set off the bonfire we'd prepared earlier and the whole of Elizabeth's fence went up in a blaze of glory. As usual I was left in charge while they went off for supper and bit by bit the pile went down and even the sweeping-up was done by bedtime.

The last time we went to Grandad's house, we took away some booze he didn't want any more. As usual, the eat-by dates were a little out so when we tried the Tesco Best Bitter (1997) it was yellow and lumpy so the compost heap got it all. Tonight was no different as the Guinness (best before 2009) had a purplish tinge and the Pina Colada (1995) was completely fizz-less and a bit too green. The compost heap smells very suspicious.
Yes. It was a Good Friday.

Eating at the Wok of Gibraltar Restaurant

Another day of strangeness. First is the "Easter Party", in reality a trip to Krazy Kaves with Erin and whoever else took me seriously. Then Beth has invited both of us to recreate our Restaurant antics at her place which is good as she has a kitchen in her bedroom. I do like being outnumbered by girlies.
First up was Krazy Kaves. As promised, Erin was there and so was a bonus Ben. We went round and round on missions seeking combinations of coloured balls and throwing them down the slide. No adults felt willing to join in hide'n'seek so we gave up on that. Photos are not available as I forgot to take the camera.

After KK I had my once-in-a-lifetime treat of Almost-Chicken McMorsels at McDougalls. With the JoyMealDeal™ I got a small plastic pirate who waves his arm in a disclocated way if you press a button on his back. If you hyper-extend it, he can also stab himself in the bottom with his own cutlass. The other two got Queen Victorias with detachable skirts à la Bucks Fizz, suits them sir.

After a cooling off period (not 14 days) at home we set out for Beth's house. In another decent play session we played:

1. Easter Bingo - guess the blob. We took it in turns to be Carder (not Caller) who had to guess the icon from the home-drawn card.
2. Decorating egg shapes and egg baskets with glittery eggs and rabbits etc.
3. Shops. This was pressure selling at its worst, we required adults to play the role of customer as before, and we shouted our sales patters all at once like so many short Moroccan Soukh salesmen.
4. The Wok of Gibraltar Restaurant. Brief, but haute cuisine.

Sadly pictures are again unavailable due to my pet adult forgetting the camera.

Jof has finished her Disaster Blanket©. Based on a blanket made of granny squares that we have all seen and been irritated by, this was the culmination of weeks of practice runs with wool of all nations in a variety of almost-rectangles. Jof learnt crocheting from Nanna and has been crotchety every evening even while watching Scooby-doo with me after suppers. She has finally finished it and here it is in all its polychrome glory. It's a lot better than I could do. She says it's called a Disaster Blanket© because only a blind Sowetan earthquake victim could love it.

Buster Catch, Inventor of Prophylactic Curtains

I have requested a back door to be installed in my new house (Box 7) so that I can sit outside in the back garden.
It was supposed to be a day for indoor games, following an adverse weather report by the weatherguessers but it didn't turn out that way. Still, I lazed for most of the day, did a little light decorating of Box 7 and pestered Jof about our trip to the Pyramids. Much like "Are we there yet?", it was "I just can't wait to get there/when are we going/is Bud home yet" etc. 
Eventually he turned up and we made it down there. Now I'm an orange hat at swimming, I'm much better and didn't need any help. I jumped in off the side, went down the waterflumes several times on my own and beetled around during wave alert. Because of not wanting a parking ticket and new rules about coloured wristbands, we had to go after 2 hours so we missed super-duper wave alert but it was still great exercise and lots of fun.
My antique Spanish demijohn has a capacity of 9 3/4 litres, enough to fit 14 bottles of wine. This is going to be a Puddleparty to remember. (Or not, as the case may be)

Chui Biltong, Inventor of the Bratislava Boogie

Day 2 of the spring break.
Today I should break Jof upon the wheel of finance in only the second hour of the latest game of Monopoly. I'm a little green in the negotiations area: I haven't fully grasped the value of tangible assets and revenue streams - if I'm charging you £600 for landing on a Pub on Pentonville Road then I'm easily persuaded/fobbed off into accepting a station and a get out of jail free card. But the only game I've ever lost was the first one I played. Ever since, it's been a bejewelled parade of crushing victories against the mere mortals that have given me life. There's gratitude for you. Yes, won by the rather ordinary margin of £6471.
It's all happening at Grandma's house. A man is coming to install handrails and ramps and stuff. Perhaps I'll be able to move around the whole house without touching the floor.

Decided to start an 'Adventure in Wildlife' book for show'n'tell. The giraffe is recognisable but the elephant (Indian) has matchstick legs and Yeti feet.

Decided I needed some pictures from magazines to copy from, so searched charity shops only to come away with wool and my very own sellotape dispenser.

Asda provided magazines and some chocolate fingers for Bud's new secret project. Chose the healthy option (soss and chips) at Rebecca's Pantry (we didn't see Rebecca) to energize me for Extreme Sandpitting™ at Landport Adventure Playground, singing YMCA on the way but without the dance moves or costumery.

This is the same sandpit I have played in many times including once with Ben: today I stayed in it for 2 hours working on exactly the same water-based civil engineering project, most likely a hydroelectric dam.

Once I'd returned from the Infinitely Deep Pit, it was straight in the bath for me, even after a hurried change of clothes at the playground. That is when I discovered some more things he'd been up to.

1.  Box 7 has been erected and christened. I pointed out where I wanted the windows and then decorated it. It has an equilateral triangle skylight to maximise brightness, a lot of stickers and a dual-layer foam base for added comfort! All I need now are some friends to share it with.....

2.  Last Friday at Beer'o'Clock at the Pirate ship Pub we were playing hide'n'seek by the large pile of rubbish by the back gate that's being cleared this week. Bud got permission to remove some items: we got some loft-boards, some random bits of bonfire wood, some Fursty Ferret pint glasses and an antique Spanish Ayelense demijohn. This green glass item was hand-blown in 19th century Valencia. It contained 369 wine corks (now filling the sack next to it) and a penny: no, we don't know what we're going to do with it yet.

He also discovered some appointments for the Puddle Beer'o'Clock diary he hasn't told me about yet.....

Face painting: one more for the woad

First day of holiday proper, didn't feel the need to get up. So we dossed seriously and I played lego heroes and jumped on the garden jumping rocket a few times. When I finally had a good idea (go to canoe lake) we had to eat lunch first and made it out of the house for 240.
It was quite busy and I met my schoolmate who also does Beavers and Archie from Beavers and probably many more if I wasn't so busy spending Jof's money. The giant caterpillar bouncy castle was back so I did 24 circuits before I ran out of time. I did the usual swingpark and waterpark stuff and then Bud joined us top haste by bike to watch me do a new kind of boat.

It's a one-man paddle steamer with arm-powered turning wheels not like the leg-powered swans. You can't go very far on them and I did get stuck repeatedly on a submerged traffic cone but it was hilarious so retweet to all Puddlers. The 2 wheels move independently so I did spend a lot of my time cranking frantically and going round and round in little circles but you've got to start somewhere.

Some other kids had lost their little toy boat and it'd come to rest against the safety rope so I tried to retrieve it - but however many times I manoeuvred round and round in little circles I couldn't get it.

From there we found a new minigolf course and followed my Beaver friend around it - I got 64 and he got much more. A few goes on the slide of death with my Beaver friend whose Mum thought we were stalking them and it was time for Jof to walk the usual 5 miles to find a toilet and home again.