The Pool Chthonic

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says "5 beers, please, Bartender". (In the same way as "There are 10 kinds of People, those who understand Binary and those who don't".

Anyway, highlights of the working day included a lengthy queue at the water fountain after the PE lesson and a fight breaking out when one accused the other of dawdling to avoid French. Once the kerfuffle was sorted out by teachers various, the pupils involved had missed most of French.

We also learned about internet safety again, this has been a subject at home what with those nasty scammers targeting stupid kids who get new Minecraft mods and free games from websites with lots of flashing 'Download me now' buttons. I really must tell that nice girl I've been messaging these last few weeks who likes pictures of me in my new pants and wants to meet in the Tesco car park.

I go swimming in a pool which is practically subterranean but I like it. Apparently I'm nearly ready to move up a group if only I can get my legs to flap like thii-iis instead of like thi-ii-iis when I do breaststroke. The pool was very busy today, and I thought it was my private pool, who are all these invaders.

Some years ago we grew Trinidadian Scorpion Moruga chillies which we put in the blender and froze for future use. These have now tragically run out which is causing both cold turkey and cold food so we will heat it up again with this, which arrived today.

Dr Burnorium's Psycho Juice recommends that you add a dash to all meals and says Hallowed be thy Pain. With a mere 70% ghost chillies it's promising, although you shouldn't believe in ghosts, gods, fairies or free lunches.

The Plate Tectonic

At school today we continued work on our modular Totem Poles. We each get to make a cubic segment and then at the end, the idea is to see who can make the tallest stack which depends on the build quality of the individual bricklets. I am doing angry faces for my module and Child O was busted for looking up "Pokémon Poo" on the net for artistic inspiration.

The 2D-Quidditch players were out in force but this time they practically had to swim around as the rain had flooded the park again. This meant that Park Wednesday was off so the JBs came round to mine for Lego, swordfights and shouting. The swordfighting (with light-sabres and automatic weapons) offered a certain amount of tectonic thumpery on the floor which as usual resulted in the death of a halogen lightbulb in the dining room below, and that was before Ben arrived.

The man from the car shop rang to say the car was ready and would we like to pick it up on Saturday. But we were busy playing Hide'n'Moon which is where you hide and leap out at the seeker with your buttocks out and one of us said he wasn't gay and another agreed but that didn't stop him marrying the third in a touching mmm ceremony where we agreed the umbrella wasn't to be used any more, guess you had to be there.

In fact, we were all highly inventive in our pants only, the draught excluder makes a jolly good willy and it's lucky we all know each other well because it could have looked dubious. Jof got home to find a load of chaps in panties* chasing each other with swords, say no more squire, and once they'd got dressed and gone, I had to tidy up my room and it took me ages to find my clothes and we had to hoover again because of the breadsticks and Quavers and biscuits just 4 hours after Zoe had hoovered the whole house.

* Yes, US, not some other random group of pantie-wearers

The Band Elastic

Today was a day of headbanging. I fell over at school on the grassy knoll (which is better than plummeting onto the asphalt) and additionally banged my head on a pole, as you do.

In School swimming it was easy. Child S was not present so we won our relay again, without the dubious benefit of his immense drag factor. The last bit was a challenge to dive in, go through a hoop near the bottom and surface as far down the pool as possible. I have been taught pre-dive hyperventilation so did 2/3 of a length underwater and won by miles.

In the afternoon we went back to the second-hand car sales yard again and finally met the car that is destined to become ours. The man let us get in so I claimed the boot as my own having tried out the back seat for Sulk-Mode potential (very good, lots of space).

We started on the purchase procedure and that's when we discovered the previous owner works about 20 yards from Bud's desk so we know who to blame if it dies. I intend to camp out in the boot, and I was listing all my requirements (tablet with Wi-Fi, torch, alarm clock, foam mattress, Harry Potter book and food supplies) when they said we're not actually going to let you sleep in it, and that's when I leaned forwards in Sulk-Mode and the car stopped for a red light and I banged my head on the seat in front, Hashtag A Go-go. This peril will be absent in the newer, roomier car.

And on the way to Gymnastics I was just practising my Karate skills on his bottom and face when somehow miraculously his elbow connected with my head and why do I even bother, I hear adult employment is like banging your head on a brick wall, might as well start now, FML.

The Light Fantastic

Today we programmed our Lego Robots to stand still. This may seem like neither a forward nor a retrograde step, but we added a sound envelope in which it says 'Good Morning' and yawns scratchily.

It was a lovely sunny day with fantastic light everywhere so on the way home he tried to persuade me to resume my daily runs, citing the requirement to persevere to achieve my Personal Challenge Badge in Scouts, and to lose more flab and gain more bounce.

But as before, it descended into arguments. I see it as lots of pain with no gain and declared that all I want to do is play computer games and eat chocolate, knowing that now I have made the effort, I can never get fat and will remain fit, and it will be no more difficult when I deign to start again in June or so, and the badge is so what, don't care, Hakuna Matata.

So to fill the time I made a sniper's den on my bed using only a duvet, pillow and eyemask, and then he said let's go and buy a car, as you do.

The one we'd seen online was just down the road so we parked in the forecourt and looked around hopefully. It was replete with cars of all nations but entirely devoid of humans so we played Sod's Law at its own game and waited 3 minutes longer than strictly necessary. This worked as the owner came back just as we were pulling out. He said he'd lent the car out to a chap having his own one mended and would we like to come back tomorrow.

I swapped some Pokémon cards with Flynn, and in Cubs we learnt how to get knotted with lengths of rope. It was a Japanese-themed night by Ryan, our Explorer Scout and he did a talk on Oriental religions and we learned Karate and made fish-free Sushi (due to allergy concerns). It was just paper made out of seaweed, sticky rice and cucumber but it gave the church hall a distressing aroma and I nearly puked. In the Picking-Up-Peas-With-Chopsticks competition, I got through 2 knockout rounds to the final where I lost 7-0 as I had my sticks the wrong way round.

Your Butt

Johnny invited me and many other friends to his birthday party at Action Stations! This is a splendid building within Her Majesty's Historic Dockyard which has been fitted out with many armed forces-related attractions, I also used it as the changing room when I was a Victorian Chimney Sweep.

Fighting our way through the traffic trying not to laugh at the car as all its lights flashed randomly, we drove straight past the car showroom where we tried to buy a newer model but, being Sunday, the guy was having a day off. I hopped out and collected another contestant who was waiting to go in, and the team met up, a finer group of lads you could not hope to meet.

First, we had an hour on the attractions. I did both helicopter simulators twice, shot machine guns, watched a film, and generally meddled and climbed on things, including the very tall climbing wall. Then we split into Red and Blue teams and I chose "Your Butt" as my userID, against other players such as Chicknfart, A Squirrel, Bens Mum, Kill Ben, Illuminati and Cheese.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm a gallant team member, a quality sniper who kills everyone but gets shot a lot because of not looking for people sniping at me. Over the two games, my averages were

Laser Beams Fired at Pathetic Human Opponents   - 447

Percentage of Deadly Laser Beams Striking Enemy - 7.5%

Percentage of Home Team's Points scored By Me    - 6.9%

My Ranked Place out of the 17 Trusty Warriors      - 12.5

But Poo to you, it was totally epic and I enjoyed every sweaty minute of it. Watched Terminator Genisys with supper and kept explaining things to Jof.

My Car is on Drugs

I've been looking forward to Saturday for ages. Not only is it acting, but I get unlimited screen-time past 3pm so I can battle as many dragons, build as many tunnels and upgrade as many town halls as I like.

So I started with Mintcraft which has taken a back seat recently with the Dragon game in its ascendancy. So I deleted some excess Mingcraft worlds and wandered through cyberspace bricking it.

The trouble started on the way to acting. Whenever he pressed the brake, the full beam headlights came on. Then the dashboard said "Steering assist failure" and when we turned the car off, the engine didn't stop. Then it did stop, but the lights stayed on. Normally this type of shenanigans goes away once you've turned the car off for a while, so I acted (where I finally gave Primary Squeeze Sydney a Valentine's card) and he walked and we met up 2 hours later to discover that the headlights were still up to their old tricks, flashing all and sundry as we stop-started all the way home. For a while they all stayed on regardless of brake pedal position. Maybe it's because we changed a lightbulb yesterday, and it's fighting back. Jof said it would be easier to buy a new car.

But before I could Minxcraft ad nauseam, I had tasks. We trimmed the bamboo which keeps falling over in the wind. Then we got the ladder out and I climbed onto the garage roof and found a deceased firework: then moving onto the roof of the new bathroom extension I scrubbed the Velux windows free of their covering of bird poo, algae and lichen. I have much experience of treading the tiles and slates of this world from my previous position as singing and dancing chimney sweep, so this was old hat as I waved to the passing cars, brightening their day, and grooved briefly as they stopped to look and stare.

That freed me up for Minicraft and chocolate rabbits, not before time. Gosh, I love my life. So, I was just going to bed at about 2315 when I saw Bud reading this, my own blog, from about 3 years ago. Viewers the world over reach it through Google searches such as 'Boys playing with willies' and 'boy standing on swing' and 'boys penis sticking out at the pools' and if you carefully ignore the sad people searches and randomly land on 'boy standing on swing' (August 2013), you can drop into a past period in my life. Turns out, wherever you land, I'm the boss, I'm having a good time and my life is better than yours, even if I'm a bit shorter than you. I have made it a personal ambition to read through the account of my own life.

I see the Light!

I think school is getting more boring. Or perhaps every day is becoming more like the others, I hope that doesn't happen later in life.

Anyway, on the way home it was a bit cold so I laid the groundwork by renegotiating the length of my afternoon run and then announced I was quitting running altogether, because it's a waste of my time and I find it really annoying and boring.

In addition, I got very angry recently at my trousers which were starting to fall down due to weight loss, and whenever I run, it's not the getting out of breath that stops me any more, it's the aching legs or feet or lips. So I said I might re-start when it got warmer, because when it does get warmer I can always say no, I meant next year. Anyway, it was Haily-Snowy, or was it Snaily-Hoey.

So he said as you're not doing anything useful, you can help me change the passenger-side brake bulb in the car, so we battled with the screws on the housing (surely they should undo in the direction I choose?) and we installed another one and I pressed the pedal so he could see and then I had custard, hurrah.

In Normal Swimming we had a new thing called 'Free Swimming'. Basically, it's just as many lengths as you can in 15 minutes. I bossed the whole class with my 28 lengths, which is the same rate Bud does over the hour on Thursday Extra Swimming. I got a bit out of breath, maybe there's some kind of lung-training I can take up to assist my tissue re-oxygenation skills.

Evil Eye

Today in school we played another game from the Paralympics which was bowls, effectively, but the woods have wheels and big handles on the top and I made mine land right on the green circle but then Owen did one of those huge clanging shots that dislodged my wood and broke off a wheel and then his team-mate landed his wheely-wood right on the circle from which I'd just been forcibly evicted.

And then randomly I got a sore eye which made me look like half a panda. The school texted Jof and Bud bought me eyedrops and I said I'd never use them but it wasn't a whites-of-the-eye thing anyway.

In extra-swimming I did well and banged my heel in the changing rooms afterwards which got me out of the afternoon run.

Jof went to her own swimming pool so I watched Aliens and just when Bishop (I prefer the term Artificial Human) was remote piloting the second drop-ship, Jof came home and made me watch Star Wars instead.

2D Quidditch

It was a pretty normal day at school until it hailed on me at going-home time. You just can't trust the weather in this country, I think I'll move to the Isle of Wight, have you seen how much garden you get over there for the same money?

Anyway, on the way home we saw some people playing Quidditch. Now, I've watched a few Quidditch matches, but all of them have been in Harry Potter films, and the 1 match I did play was at Harry Potter World in Watford and I was on a robotic broomstick being filmed in front of a green-screen.

These mere humans had to make do with terrestrial (Muggle) Quidditch, although they did straddle their sticks in amusing fashion and had colourful costumes and the three hoops of differing heights at both ends. But by the time we'd had our run and got to Wednesday Park proper, they had been persuaded to quit by the bitingly cold wind and had flown off back to Hogwarts.

I put my nice big warm top that he had got out for me back in the cupboard and selected an old favourite zip-up hoodie device which is one of the Circular Launderers. Basically, I wear it, and Jof tells me it's far too small for me as my tummy is clearly on show the whole time. She washes it and plans to put it in the charity shop bag, but somehow it evades capture and makes its way back into my clothes drawer, where I see it and go 'Ooo! My bestest hoodie-top"' and out it comes once more to expose my navel to the world. Thus it goes round and round, like the red bike shirt I got in Year 2 and others.

In the park I met LittleMax, I'd not seen him for ages so we played and did tricks and we ran around for over an hour but even though the Mummies were wearing 17 layers of complicated woollens, it wasn't enough to block the Icelandic blasts and we got home to the warm, where Jof was also put off by the cold and didn't go to the Gym so we couldn't watch Aliens with supper.

Fairly Super Tuesday

Today started very early because I'd set my alarm for 0700. Knowing that I'd set it for 0715 the day before, and that we had got to school on time, it seemed only sensible to get up in the dark to ensure a repeat performance.

I loitered for a bit, roused the slumbering Jof and waited ages until it was time to leave, and we still had to wait in the car until anybody else showed up and subsequently had to wait in the rain (holding a giant Lego Mayan Pyramid Temple) for the caretaker to open the gate. Still, I was on time.

In swimming I totally beasted my allocated lengths and my team won the relay for, like, the 5th time in a row. In gym I wasn't very good on the running-jumping trampoline-board thing but I'm getting better on the bars. At the moment I have the 12-bar blues. Later we'll find out if the loud chap with the plastic hair or the very very angry woman will become the next President of America. I am not a registered voter but I like the people with the placards.