DSE Health and Safety

So today at school we did history in which they asked where did England come from. So I said from an undersea volcano, but that wasn't what they meant, it was about the origins of the name with all those naughty Germanic tribes invading all over the place.
We also had questionnaires. Adults are always going on about surveys and can I have 5 minutes of your time and would you like to save the rainforest and your opinions are important to us and you are number 17 in the queue, but hardly anybody asks us kids.

So the new head-teacher wanted to know what we thought were good and bad points about the school. I said ban football in the playground, because it takes up the whole space and if you go to the water fountain you get buffeted and I got smacked in the willocks by an errant football and I didn't like it. In addition, we looked at technology and had to estimate how much screen-time we had every day. I estimated 1-2 hours, someone had put 8 hours!
Parents are always complaining about how long I spend using Display Screen Equipment, but there were those 5 days in Crete when I got none at all - surely that has to counterbalance the rest of the year. Anyway, on the way home it was lovely outside so I said let's go to the park, once I've had a cool-down, so I stripped off and spent 3 1/2 hours playing Minecraft. This is why my DSE estimates may be a little off.
Today we had a 20 litre Burco catering grade water-boiler delivered, for the Scout group, not because we wanted a bigger kettle. Its dispensing tap hides my modesty: I assure you I am not playing naked Minecraft, for I am wearing socks.
My latest audition was successful. I am to play Loveable Street Urchin/Newspaper Seller/Streetwise Pickpocket/Optimistic Freelance Chimney Sweep at the Victorian Festival of Christmas. Hurrah!

Erin Goes Binary

In school we learnt about gravity. Not quite the inverse square law yet, but we started with balloons and had to make a balloon travel exactly 2 metres using string, sticky tape, a straw and a paper clip. The winners tied their string through the straw to 2 points 2 metres apart but at different heights, tied the balloon to the straw and slid it down the slope. Our balloon burst so we failed, I blame inferior experimental lab equipment, plus it was in the runes, and when we examined the guts of that dead sparrow, it was bound to happen.
We have to learn to count up to and down from one million. This will be a very big game of hide'n'seek. We also had to make a magazine article about Beowulf (Denmark Disaster!). Erin got her bath plug and we all sang happy birthday, for she is now in double figures and had a girls-only party at her place.
Ben has got into the basketball team (even though white men can't jump) so we didn't take him home and he appeared at the park as usual. Then it was back to old times, with the JBs and Owen the Destroyer and lots of other faces I know. But when we started kicking the ball around and got told off, we noticed that as we'd got older, the faces in the park get younger and smaller and nowadays we're the older, tougher, more boisterous lads from whom we used to hide.
We did Giant tennis Ball Tag and piggy in the middle on the bouncers and so forth but once one had got the ball in the face and another had over-reacted and I went into a sulk, it was time to depart. I'd done a creditable 90 minutes of running around in the sun so definitely worth doing.
Today the Queen got to be the longest-running British Monarch ever, even more than good old Victoria. If I owned Windsor castle I wouldn't move out in a hurry either. But the Americans probably didn't notice as it was Official Wiener Schnitzel Day.

Kill The Barf

Another excellent day at school in which I performed my song in front of 60 classmates. I was a little nervous but then took some deep breaths and fixed my gaze on a spot behind the audience and let rip in a clear loud voice.
They laughed and then clapped for so long Mr Exposition had to stop them, it's nice to get clap from your friends. Ben wanted to do dancing in the background and Gene got up and boogied and I had to kick him off the stage, I'm only 9 and I'm being heckled, FML. They asked 20 questions, several of which were sensible. Then Erin said I wasn't half as terrible as she had thought I'd be, that's why she's getting that old manky bath plug we found in the garage for her 10th birthday present tomorrow.
Here are some of the Viking shield designs we made. Mine has a sword with lava, burning sword and fire motif, Ben also has a sword with sword and dagger motif and hint of dragon. We all got to include runic inscriptions round the edge, mine says Bow to the Expendables although I haven't seen that film yet. It looks like Ben is saying kill the barf, but really it's feel the burn, and I think you're going to with that many flaming swords and possibly a red-hot poker for sticking someplace.
Meanwhile, Jof spent the day shopping in Chichester where she found the chocolate shop "Montezuma" and got lost just where North Street, East Street, South Street and West Street all come together at one point, it's a lethal cartographic trap for certain uncertain ladies of any age. She bought me some plastic goats and a chicken to liven up my Anglo-Saxon hovel (school project).

Polish yer Codpiece, Guv'nor?

Last night they said turn your light off in 7 minutes, and I probably would have done but every time you turn the page, there's another one. So I was switched off at 1030 and I might have been dozy this morning.
We did guided reading to see what stream we'd be in and watched a film about Vikings and people still can't quite believe that I sang a silly song for Britain's Got Talent last week.
But I've managed to secure a spot singing it tomorrow in front of the Year 5s to prove it, ever the showman.
In the afternoon I stripped to my usual pants in my usual distressing way and waited for my next audition.
The Festival of Christmas is a massive event at the Royal Naval Dockyard and I joined 7 girls to audition. They had already had one on a Saturday but I was at the Film Festival and you've just got to pick and choose. I had to apply for a Child Actor Licence To Perform which needed photos and a Birth Certificate and I chose to audition for Paperboy, Chimney Sweep/Street Urchin and Oliver, turning down the chance to be a Suffragette, Prostitute or Undertaker.

First we did extensive and extending stretching exercises and mathematical conundra, then we split into teams and devised our own Victorian tableaux with mime, which was the only time we were quiet and sat obediently. There were artistic differences between a girl and myself about just how many chairs we needed to represent the teacher's desk in the Beneficial School for Abandoned Paupers With Rickets And Gorblimeys and then we got given scripts.
I had archetypal lines such as 'Good day yonder Sir, how's about if I cleans yer chimney, sixpence and it'll be like new, Guv'nor, can't say fairer than that' and so forth and I did such a jaunty Cockney street waif I made all the girl performers collapse into giggles, lucky I didn't offer to clean their pipes as well, would've never heard the end of it. I practised picking a pocket or two, at least that's what I told the young lady.
The part of 'hopeful one-legged chimney sweep' is just one part in 57 shows put on by 800 actors to entertain the 50,000 visitors to the Festival. Gosh. Anyway, it took 2 hours and I have to buy my own thermal underwear.

Madman in Aisle 17

Today I asked for hot breakfast which turned out to be sausage on toast with egg and a tomato. I rejected almost all of it because it had tomato on.
Then we all went shopping. I couldn't believe it. Normally he goes and we lounge around in the lounge but not today. I pushed the trolley like in the good old days and hid behind the toilet rolls because you're only 9 once, although most people don't make bogroll dens past their 6th birthdays. I'm behind the purple ones by the trolley.
Then it was just the long hard slog of endless Minecraft videos on the tablet and I'm making a huge Minecraft railway network. I have heard of the concept of homework but I'm having no truck with it.

Chicken: Impossible

I like Saturdays. I Minecrafted extensively and would have done so all day if my auditions didn't require so many photos. Not only does each audition require a passport photo to remind them of what I look like (Forget me? How is that possible...) but the 'Child Actor' release form or permission licence needs 2. So off we trundled to the same photo booth I used last week.
On the way, I explained at length how enchanted reinforced Chicken Armour is iron armour with chickens on and if you make a chicken sword out of 9 eggs and a Lapis Lazuli it does 5 attack damage and if you use the transmogrification spell (chicken mod) you can be a chicken in a chicken suit killing chickens with a chicken sword. This may sound strange but that's because you're not 9.
Anyway I had my official mugshots done and this time I tried to look vaguely happy and we scanned local charity shops and I got a Lemony Snicket book and a Wimpy Kid book.
Because we had no other appointments that day, we wandered south and did a big loop of Albert Road and found King Tut in a house clearance shop (how are the mighty fallen) and I got past my Nemesis Pavement without serious injury. Yes, I have a Nemesis Pavement. You know you've made it if you have a celebrity stalker, I have a 20-yard stretch of pavement where I have sustained damage on more than one occasion. We walked for 2 hours, not bad.
So we watched Mission Improbable # 1 from the set of 4 we bought yesterday and then I spent hours designing a Minecraft railroad that I deliberately set up to crash into Minesheep and Minecows, 'cos of why not.
This is the giant aluminium catering teapot as owned by my Scout troop. We cleaned it yesterday and it is way bigger even than my head. For supper we had pizza and chips and cucumber which is basically what I had for a week in Crete, and yet all that time they complained about my diet. Plus, Mission Implausible 2, where we laughed at the people playing chicken on motorbikes, without reinforced armour.

Sliding Parks

Friday at last! It's been so long.
In school today we did the second 50 of the "100 words you must know by the end of Year 5" and my favourite was Yak, because everyone forgets the H. I later found out it was Yacht.
For homework I have to build an Anglo-Saxon hovel or Dwelling-Unit or Yurt or Yak or Yacht, one that can withstand a catapult attack at the end of term. This is intriguing: I have some questions.
* What 8th Century slum-builder would factor ballistic boulder-repelling strength into their designs?
* Wattle and daub was big in the Dark Ages. What invading army would employ the might of a trebuchet against a woodsman's cottage when you could destroy it by widdling against the walls?
* The average income of an itinerant pig-herder was 3 1/2 trotters and as many acorns as you could collect before the Squire executes you. What object in your shanty-cabin is worth sending in the cavalry for? Burnt cakes?
* An illiterate peasant might travel as far as 2 miles from his birthplace in his entire life. What international political point is proved by nuking his flea-ridden shack from space?
* What will be the missile used against these home-made hovels? I suggest conkers, for by then, they will have dried out.
* If I make mine out of riveted feudal titanium plates, will it win?
Anyway, Ben and Sam and Ben and Alfie and I made an arrangement to meet in Yellow Plum Park at 415. This is a sensible move, for we are all getting older now and more able to roam the streets at will, and possibly more au fait with the workings of the clock, and maybe slightly more aware that the world does not revolve around us alone.
So when Bud picked me up I was dismayed to find we had tasks. Jof had said, get rid of the Scouts stuff out of the garage, for the Scouts have their own garage and we've only got enough spare space in ours for 3 cars and a rhino. So we took to the Scout lockup: 10 large water containers (for raft-building), 2 large Kampa-Khazi plastic toilets (yes), 8 knives, 1 set of oven gloves and a colander you could rinse a horse in.
In return, we removed from said lock-up: 3 old plastic toilets that were 'tired' and one giant comedy aluminium teapot that needed a clean. This didn't give us much time to get to the park so we drove there and we met Little Ben and Alfie and Leyton on their way home for they had given up and they said they'd left a teabag in the road and asked if we'd run it over.
I climbed in the park for a bit and waited for Big Ben but he didn't show so we went home where we got a message from him saying I'll be there at 5, just when I was off to swimming. O what a tangled web we get stuck in, when first we practise to make arrangements.
Jof made us pasta with 2 types of Mediterranean bread and the free prawn crackers from the adjacent take-away and I was yawning at only 11pm. Lucky I've got nothing planned for tomorrow. At bedtime I laughed so much I had to go to the toilet.

Britain's Got Talent (Oh No, it Hasn't)

Grandad got back from his latest Mediterranean cruise today and said he had a great time leaping up mountains etc whenever the ship parked somewhere. He had been mildly worried that some of those mad islamic types who still think the gods are real might try to blow up the ship in a desperate cry for attention but it didn't happen.
At school I designed my new book cover (Minecraft Sword Logo) and spent break-times practising a song from the 1960s, as you do. Ben offered me some dance move tuition but it's one step at a time for me, literally. We had to give one fact about ourselves that happened over the school holidays and I said I'd auditioned for BGT but that wasn't Strictly Come Talking true, it wasn't until today.
We did football moves in PE and I was in defence, I managed to snaffle the ball off Sam and helped my team score!
But the Elephant and Castle in the corner of the room was not to be avoided. Once we'd got home I stripped to pants (an Englishman in his own home etc) and we practised our song.
"The Gasman Cometh" is a song by Flanders and Swann and is quite old now, but you can hear all the words and it's quite funny and good if you really ham it up. When the summons for the audition for Britain's got Talent came through 2 days ago, I had the choice of doing something that I already knew and felt comfortable performing (You can't stop the beat), or this Gasman business that Bud said he'd help with. As I already have 3 more auditions where I'll be expected to use the dancing feet one, I chose Gasman which meant we had to do a duet as promised.
Over the 2 days we'd added to it with asides and mini-exchanges and jokes and in one case, a scooter. His stage name was Murgatroyd but I got to call him Marmalade, and my stage name was Sir, which is as it should be. So we did run-through after run-through and were confident. First I delivered a happy birthday chocolate box to the landlady of the Phoenix pub while he stood outside on the scooter (the natural order of things) and we walked to the Primary School where the auditions were being held. We were first and gradually the little playground filled up and there were 10 other performers. We chose to go on 5th and the school gym was quite small so it was one at a time. We could hear vague warblings coming out of the doors but not much. It looks like all the others were actually talented and did songs with backing tracks, but we just had loud voices, guts and idiocy. We answered a few questions to camera with a huge boom microphone in our faces and then we did our performance with a few stumbles and mumbles and laughs from the camera crew.
Like a giant water slide, it was terrifying and yet electrifying and over quickly and then we were out in the cold and went home. We do not expect to have to do our duty again because it's called Britain's Got Talent not Britain's Got A Couple Of Idiots That Jump Up And Down but it was a laugh and it's increased my experience, made me feel confident and now I'm looking forward to my next audition. An opportunity came, I took it and performed, so there's the win.

The First 5 Years were the Worst

Today my re-education resumed following a 6-week break. To get back in the swing of it, Jof practically took me there before going to work and I had only 1 road to cross on my own before the one with the Leaping Lollipop Lady.
Well, it was certainly all-change in the exalted Upper School. We have a new head teacher and 3 new other teachers and our break-times are different and so is everything else.
Both Ben and Erin are School Councillors so will have to attend lots of boring conferences in hotels in Bruges etc and we all had a get-to-know-you session but I know most of the people in my class anyway.
The new head did a long assembly and read to us from a book about a girl who has an increasingly full bag of worries that follow her everywhere - even the toilet - until she learns to split up those naughty worries and terminate them one by one once they are divided and more conquerable.
We all had to think of our own worries and you could just feel that "will De Gea ever get sold" and "what if I never find out the Wi-Fi password" were bubbling under but we were all sensible with things like what if nobody talks to me.
I designed a Trojan shield with flaming sword and crossed fire-lightning and we'll be doing Vikings as well soon. I got my new teacher's name wrong by adding a W where it wasn't wanted and everyone laughed. But others were mixing it up with Burrito and Mosquito, the perils of being a teacher with an even mildly interesting name. When Grandma was a teacher, someone wrote on the desk "Mrs M has purple hair" so I don't think anyone gets away with it.
We made mini-bunting triangles with our photos and vital statistics in and added our faces to vehicles of our own design for reading-level purposes. All these are welcome distractions from the earworm I am currently infected by, the song I shall perform tomorrow for my first audition.
On the way home we met an errant dog who had escaped from the park. We tried to grab it but it joyfully ran around in open traffic causing no accidents and it re-entered the park by Beaver Gate of its own accord.
We did do Wednesday Park but I didn't know anyone there apart from Charley's Aunt and Olivia whose 5th birthday was the first invite I got from a schoolmate.
We practised the song a bit but it's difficult getting the scooter in the front room.

Commonses and Summonses

Well I tried to have a last nothing-day to end the holidays. This inset day coincided with Jof's day off and so I was expecting Minecraft and sofas and possibly ice cream. But then she suggested lunch at the Harvester and that's quite a good idea, it's a known quantity with oodles of cheap food that I know I like, all just a short bike ride away.
We were just having a play fight when I got her in the head with the zip on my coat and she didn't like it and I said it would be nicer if I lived with Bud because then everything would be fun and that made her go quiet again, but I was just joshing, honest. On the way home I did race off somewhat onto the common with its many similar-looking twisty paths that double back on themselves and we sort of lost each other because I wasn't keeping an eye on her. After about half an hour of criss-crossing the expanse looking for her, Bud came round a corner and we managed to find Jof and she was pleased to see me, that's what oxytocin does to the maternal brain, powerful stuff.
Then Bud said your TV audition has come through, we've got 2 days to come up with an act, plus you're back to school tomorrow and we have to get ready for gymnastics now, no pressure. On the way home we saw Lucy B and Stanley and Abby and it'll be nice to see my friends again.