Scouting for Shells

Yesterday Jof and I were just about to go to the park when it started to rain so I chose next year's holiday destination instead. I have chosen Crete. In fact Bud has already called me a total Cretan, which is nice.
At school we did a 'Cold Write' where the teacher gives us a little story framework and we hang interesting things off it from our imagination to make a story. Today I used Groundhog Day as inspiration and had my 10 year-old boy refusing to buy superglue in the wood store to mend his mother's sofa leg, and instead breaking a pencil in half and stealing a car and driving it round a dump in a repetitive alternate dimension.
In the end (for morals must out) he decided to buy the wood glue anyway and fix the sofa so returned from his parallel universe via a wardrobe that glowed orange, as you do, minus an entire Thursday due to event-horizon effects.
But then I was back to reality and we visited a second-hand computer shop on Albert Road who agreed to buy Grandad's old laptop which he never used. Holding folding, we sped home practising the script for the great Scout Demo this evening. The Scoutmaster took the scouts away and we set up in the church canteen and once the audience was assembled we went through our little routine.

The Scoutmaster introduced him as Brad and I wore the Colonel's uniform and we took turns in reading from our script and they loved the swords and we got a series of ooohs and aaaahs getting bigger and bigger as we took larger and larger artillery shells out of the magic cabin trunk. After we'd done our spiel, there was a melee, free-for-all and general hubbub as the boys fought over the 4 1/2 inch shell casing and the girls went for the swords. The favourite was the Japanese Katana but the Iron Cross (second class) got plenty of attention. Then I got 2 swimming badges, why not.

Praying to someone else's god

I absolutely insisted on going to church today for the Remembrance Sunday service with my scout friends. This is why the day started 3 hours early, and after a couple of late nights too. The service went on a bit longer than usual because we had to read out the names of the 214 people killed in the war from our parish. Afterwards I got a biscuit.
Well, that was pretty well it for the day. Jof did the shopping so I didn't have to, so I started watching Die Hard 3 (the one in New York) and when Jof made us lunch we all watched the rest. Of course, it's Yippee Ki-Yay Feather-Plucker left right and centre all the way through, kinda awkward sitting there with Jof in the room, words like that are not for mummies. But I correctly guessed that the madman on the phone was a relative of Hans Gruber from the first one.
While he ran in the rain I played Jof at "Coppit" which is quite like Ludo and by the time we'd watched our evening episode of Red Dwarf, I was yawning.

An Allergy to Blue Vodka

Saw no reason to get up early today and strongly resisted all orders to get dressed. While the adults swept the yard I minecrafted and generally slobbed around. My bid for a pyjama day failed at 2pm when he announced I had to go shopping but I was saved by the phone.
BensMum had experienced a severe allergic reaction to some dodgy unlicensed blue vodka which was great for me as I got a Ben to play with and didn't need to walk anywhere, in fact I could have reverted to a pyjama state. We got the Lego Heroes out and made a huge mess and turfed Jof out of the TV room. We wouldn't keep still for a picture so here are our bottoms.
I got more than 4 hours of Ben and then obediently tidied all the Lego up again, this having-a-cleaner lark is really changing my life forever. As before, having lots of free time means you run out of it so I didn't get Bath Fizzer Night but I did get Film Night and chose 1975 movie classic "Jaws" in which lots of people get eaten, hurrah, and Jof kept saying don't watch this bit but I kept saying rewind and watch it again.

Bomb Banging Bonanza

Sheltered inside today from all the rainstorms, lucky that my school can afford a roof.
Brought Harry back afterwards and this time he didn't abscond on his scooter and we built Lego attack ships, is there any other kind? Also we threw the small Barbie-style doll thing at each other. It came to me in a random bag of Lego from a charity shop and I elected to keep it to represent the enemy in any game requiring one. Get your retaliation in first ...
After swimming I headed to Bens' place to let off fireworks and other bombs. They'd already started when we got there but I joined in and we ran up and down with illuminated light sabres and guns and guitars hypnotizing each other while the men let off small and disappointing fireworks while the girls criticised them and the ladies stayed the other side of the road and talked.
Inside we had food and watched various films while the adults had beer and talked too loudly. Every now and then one would come in and look at us but we chased them away.
Bed was welcome after the long walk home.

Chillocks on the Willocks

Saw a lot of frosty windscreens on the way to school this morning.
Today an artist came into our classroom and drew dragons and goblins and Harry Potter and a flying pig and monsters. In return we had to draw a monster of our own and mine was 7 storeys high with a gun arm and teeth and all the usual stuff not to any scale whatsoever, apart from the scaly scales.
Today is my afternoon off so I didn't even get out of the car when he collected the laundry, I hid in the boot and shot people with the umbrella. So while he prepared to sell Grandad's laptop and electric typewriter, I planned my next Lego project which was going to be a castle or a monster but is now a 3-bed semi with garage and broom closet. An empty Lego dining table in my room is a transient and rare beast.

The Destruction of Big Ben

Today, it might be bonfire night but I elected not to go to the giant municipal fireworks display in Cosham because it just seemed like too much effort.
I have attended it for the last several years and taken both Poppy and Ben on various occasions but last time we had to park miles away and wee in a bush and I just couldn't be bottomed.
But I picked Ben up from school anyway and as if by magic, my latest Lego creation is Big Ben. Well, it was just supposed to be a giant tower but with the crenellations, overall shape and square central hole, it does bear a distinct resemblance to our national clock tower.
We had to position it by the chest of drawers and wedge the ladder against the dining table for support in order to lower me into it (which I never thought would happen safely) but in the end, there I was and the boys replaced any humanoids my ingress had dislodged and we posed for a photo before I destroyed it from within, like the 5th columnist I am.

Ben joined in the destruction of his namesake and we reduced it to ashes (well, shards). It is mildly ironic that today (November the 5th, remember, remember) is the day when the nation celebrates Guy Fawkes' valiant plot to rid us of politicians by blowing up the houses of Parliament, next to Big Ben. Furthermore, Guy is an old boy of Bud's old school, and had an interest in both chemical explosives and subterranean passages. Coincidence or reincarnation?
It was still sunny and dry outside if nippy so we played football and Swinging Basket Attack for ages with Brandon (Year 3 footballing nut) and then Johnny and Robert, who arrived late because he was at dancing.

He got a little irate when we mentioned this, in case it impugned his masculinity, but we played the best game of football ever! I successfully tackled, like, twice, and scored 2 goals! It was my greatest achievement on the pitch but then it got dark and I had to clear up all that Lego with only 2 adults to help me, while fireworks lit up the night sky. The kitchen floor has been replaced, ok, it's a different colour, might be something to do with Zoe the cleaner.
I declare I'm bad at French. But I do seem to be able to remember my lines from past speeches (total recall) so maybe a future awaits me, treading the boards, duckie.

It's cold outside (no kind of atmosphere)

So Grandad heard that little-known coastal settlement 'Portsmouth' has recently provided 4 young radicalised muslim men who, fuelled by hilariously heretical and archaic beliefs, have gone off to Syria, joined the jihadi movement, and been killed for their made-up gods. Grandad asks if we knew any of them. Yes, of course we did ...
Today we watched a film in class and we all laughed so much our teacher sent us on a walking tour of the playground to calm down. As she was the worst offender I suggested the same for her and she banished herself into Miss Weld's class for a while.
Incidentally, here is the newly built quiet zone with rain shelter in the playground. It rained at pickup time so the handlebars on my scooter were wet. This is why I refused to scoot it home and trundled along in a big silent sulk the whole way. Teenagers don't magically appear, you know, you have to work at it.
I tidied my room in preparation for the Zoe-cleaner tomorrow and separated another batch of stuff for the charity shop, including the stuffed giraffe which I have tried to offload at least 3 times, but Jof keeps rescuing it.
The traffic was so intense, man, that we got to gymnastics 17 minutes late. I am super-proud to be able to do 2 press-ups.
My Dreamscape diorama for half-term homework is also about life under the sea, a common theme even though the Terminator haunts most of my actual dreams.

A Baccalaureate in Bacchanalia

Not a great start to the day when I turned off my alarm clock and went back to sleep.
It only got better when I got into school and found I'd forgotten it was dress-up day, although to be fair, my Terminator costume was all in the wash anyway. There were an awful lot of Harry Potters, and some Harriet Potters as well.
There is a Superhero dress-up day in a couple of weeks so I'll be an anti-hero and slay the lot of them.
So yesterday Jof wondered out loud whether we needed a Wii in our lives. Thus I spent the rest of the day trying to convince her that we desperately needed one, in fact it was surprising we'd survived this long. I looked "wee" up on the internet but all of Google's search results were ... unhelpful.
The builders have finished the new wondrous quiet area in the playground. Functionally you've got to wonder what's actually changed, it's still got the benches and the roof on stilts but now has astroturf and undulating slopes that are vaguely reminiscent of the Land of Teletubbies.
Still, the plastic-turfed slopes are right by the vertical logs so easy to slip up on in the rain, with the lucky student able to plummet to the asphalt below.
Jof was home when I got back so we Minecrafted and fed those permanently hungry hayday chickens and then I had an early dinner of chicken Kievs, which served them right.
Ben came round but because of the Lego Tower 'Big Ben', we have no bricks left, so we made silly ships and broke them into pieces.
'Big Ben' is all finished bar the mandatory addition of humanoids who act as armed guards: no tower is finished without an army of Lego minifigures. Also there is one special ingredient to add - given that the structure is over 6 feet tall, can you guess what it is?
For Cub Scouts we met the priest who tried to persuade us to go to church next Sunday and the Scoutmaster said we have an oddly familiar guest exhibitionist next week, some costume and dance act I think.

The Elusive Magnetic Monopole

Up far too early because some clever genius had accidentally set my alarm for 0725 when listening to the clock radio while Lego-ing last night.
So we did Sainsbury's while Jof took back wagonloads of clothes to M+S, something that women seem to do a lot. Outside we saw this rather groovy mural on the outside wall of a carpet shop.

But our mission (and we did accept it) was to buy a new Monopoly board. Ours was given to Jof by her Dad (the Grandad I never met) and is the old-fashioned, and in my eyes, correct sort. But it's somewhat knackered so we got a £5 voucher off Jof and hit Debenhams where we found 3 kinds of Monopoly, none like ours.
One had MacDonalds, you could buy Intel chip manufacturing shares, all sorts. But we just want a normal one, we wailed. So we chose the one that looked the least fancy and the man behind the counter said the £5 voucher isn't valid until tomorrow. What a load of pants.

Rum, Monopoly and the Lash

The weekend at last, I really must get back to school so I can relax. Wandered out of bed nine-ish and ordered up a big plate of omelette.
Amazingly for November it was not freezing cold so we walked to 3 parks, bought a boxful of Lego for £4 and generally grooved seriously. My Lego tower should now be complete, just a matter of adding all the humanoids and a few decorations.
It does not use up ALL the blocks, but certainly most of them, until we remembered the big pile of new Lego on the floor, and completed 11 new layers of tower using only the 8s and 4s. A builder's work is never done.
 From there we did an hour's football in the park, neither of us wearing shirts. Some people may have thought we were mad, but you can never have too many compliments of that nature. Had fishcakes for lunch at 440, as you do.
Problem is, I want Bath Fizzer Night, Film Night and Monopoly Night. There just aren't enough nights in the night. But then I failed to eat my lunch because I was too busy watching TV with my mouth open and my brain closed so Film Night was cancelled, order of Jof.
In Monopoly I'm still not a decent negotiator.