Cuando sea viejo y sabio (old and wise)

The weatherguessers have dissected the holy sparrow and predicted a craft day inside. But it was not to be: we had a walk and play in the local swingpark and then did crafty things.

I have made Jof frazzled by jabbering incessantly and needing things all the time, and Nanna has frazzled her by asking useful questions like "Has Bud had his lunch yet?" and then telling the same stories for the 4th time. Still, they exchanged some useful knitting patterns.

So. Did you guess what you can make out of a cable drum and a curtain?

See me, for I am the human gnome of tiny stature and I have hooked a lego hero with my rod. Sadly the curtain wasn't big enough to cover the really big cable drum so I've had to use the next size down, lucky I have a bijou bottie and can fit.

This mushroom/toadstool is the Fly Agaric (amanita muscaria) and when eaten, the curious compounds contained therein can cause profuse sweating and delirium. So quite like Krazy Kaves, then.

Riddle me up, Scotty

Riddled with bullet points

We all like bringing home unusual things to burn from work, Jof gets poster tubes and lifesize cardboard freaky boy scouts, Bud gets pallets and triangles and I get cardboard creations from cutting'n'sticking classes and sticks from the park. Nanna even has a wooden toilet seat saved up for us, for she knows our strange habits and incendiary desires.
One of the more recent inflammable curios is a cable drum, which will go up joyously like the last one. But he says there's something he can use it for first. Here it is with

●  A bit of curtain

●  A plastic fishing rod (only £2 at the charity shop!)

●  Some bits of packing foam

So, riddlers and piddlers all, what's it going to be? Answers on a postcard by last Friday, please, etc etc.

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Today I left home, going to stay overnight with Nanna. This meant I missed the Puddle Picnic on the grass at the Summer Fayre in Victoria Park. But I got to go on the little train again and played in their swingpark and ate lots. I have been told that I need to get fatter, so I'm really trying, Nanna is good at food so it's a great place to start.

They have 2 excellent play areas at the trains and you can go on a nature walk around the whole place. The lengthy track goes round a large lake which is stocked with fish and fishermen.

Not even a pretty face

Happy Friday!

I'm learning a new song to perform on the stage at school in a few weeks - the whole class is doing it so I don't get to be lead character again.

After a typically ebullient swimming lesson we picked Jof up from work and I was telling her about the awesome thing I'd made in cutting + sticking class, for a minute there I couldn't remember what it was, then I said "Oh! Ship! Ship!" and she told me off for using a bad word. What is she like? Then we left Jof to iron and pack suitcases and do laundry and all those fun jobs while we scooted to the pub. Johnny and I played whizz the pool ball until we were told to get off by the landlord (because we tend to hold on to the cushions which damages them).

Bob had a football so we kicked it around outside and in fact out of the garden several times. Getting Bud to retrieve it from the street was profitable because he also found a golf ball for us: the time Ben pinged it into the neighbours' garden was extra fun because we found out where Ginger Lenny lives. Next door to the pub! How cool is that?

For a while it was boys against Erin which was a bit unfair, but over the period we all had fun. However there were the usual arguments as well so we might not do the Beer'o'clock pub for a bit.

When the deadline that Jof had given us had well and truly passed by we decamped for home, at the same time as everyone else. So there I was, scooting at maxi-speed along the pavement with him running along behind me, when my front wheel hit a divot or woodlouse or dead leaf or some other dread obstacle and over I went. He went over me and we both sprawled across the pavement in a big pile of unhappiness. I howled my way home but wasn't really damaged.

Not as stupid as I think you are

Today I ditched Melissa, the girl with the squint. She's been seeing someone else on the side.

I guess at the end of this school year I won't be on the School Council any more. I've got nothing to lose but my chains of office.

Scooted home and helped tidy the conservatory by destroying a cardboard box, then disturbing Jof repeatedly while she was on the phone to Nanna. I am a gas molecule that occupies all available space.

She had been off for the day painting the booze cupboard so I took the chance to play her at cards, dancing martians and many other games because it was drizzling and I couldn't go out for my supplementary scoot.

I have obtained a second granny-poo pot, quite why the school has disposable bodily fluid containers I'll never know (because I've forgotten what it's like to be a reception year child).

Supper was pasta with cheese sauce. But the sauce was pre-impregnated with ketchup, and pre-loaded with chopped salami. I shall eat this ambrosia forever.

Not as pretty as I look

Today Teddy told me off 8 times during a playtime game of [tag without the den]. Well, that's what I reported anyway.

Wednesday park was good. I arrived top haste by trike, expecting everyone else to bring bikes but they didn't. I also brought the small football which saw much action as both football and tag-style throwing ball.

Johnny has a bandage on his leg, he's most proud. He was on some steps when Bobert launched an oar at him so he fell through and graunched his leg, but it didn't stop him doing anything.

At one point some tweenies/early teen big boys were playing big football too near us little people and the olds asked them to go away but instead they drew nearer to attempt intimidation with rude words and spitting.

To be honest the ginger ringleader had very scary acne but when the park officials arrived to talk at them, they all slunk away, wishing they had girls under 40 to impress.

Poor old Ben will have his filling done tomorrow so his parents have banned all types of sweetie and biscuit etc. Thus when we all got out our kit kats and jaffa cakes and so forth, he went ballistic and all the veins stood out on his neck when he primal screamed at his Mum.

In the grass somewhere I found an unused compressed cardboard hospital vomit/poo bucket. I have no idea why it was in the park but it made a great hat: it is my sickbowler hat.
We got nearly 2 hours of park and it was still sunny when we left.

St Bernards' Air Drop

At 0430 we were hit by a hailstorm of startling ferocity. It sounded like the shower had invited all its friends round for a disco in the bathroom.

 Jof has completed Granisquare blanket #3. She is not proud of it as it fought back but she fails to see its brilliance of design and unique talents.

Next project?

It is exceptionally warm and is so brightly coloured it is visible from space. I therefore suggest that it is sold to the Canadian Mounties Rescue Service or the Swiss Mountain Search Teams. Then, you simply tie the corners to a bijou barrellette of VSOP brandy and eject from the search'n'rescue plane, where it will act as its own hi-vis parachute and victim insulation blanket with built-in medicinal comforter while satellites from here to Saturn target its polychrome beacon. I would call it the St Bernard in honour of the thousands of St Bernard dogs that were thrown out of aircraft to bring fur and brandy to lost skiers etc.

Career choices: Barista or Barrister?

Ignominy! My teacher has assigned me some remedial work - letter formation practice. You know, the one where you trace over the dotted lines, because my shapes aren't so good and I mix up my ds and bs.
Surely I can get a job where you don't need to be able to read or write? McDougalls will always need people to sweep up, windows will always need cleaning, that chap in Commercial Road who sells flowers just shouts "Five panna buncha roses, larvley roses". They're over-selling this literacy business.

Anyway, because of this, I couldn't go to the park when Erin invited me, although Bud said it was because Wednesday is park day and it'd still be wet from last nights' hailstorms. So I started on my letters, and it started to rain, which made me feel better. Then I felt bad about Erin being rained on.
Just as I'd finished A-L and was eating salami with Scooby Doo, Ben arrived with a new Lego hero. He had just got back from the dentist and needs a filling in a baby tooth, which is quite good going. BensMum feels bad about it. We legoed and heroed amiably for ages and ate salami and sausage rolls and yogurt and chicken.

Cordless love

I've got little pink cheeks from all that sun yesterday at the seaside, I really must wear pants next time.
The rain has had a weekend off so returned to work today, just like everyone else.
I got a new reading book (Level Turquoise!) and even though I was watching TV, he sat me on the work surface and made me read it while he was doing tomorrows' lunches.
Book review

"Ice cream dream" is a heartwarming tale in a colourful booklet for those of limited literacy skills in which a crusty old sailor man surreptitiously inserts, by power of suggestion, the belief that there may be free ice cream available at the other end of town into the mind of a gullible young lemming. This chosen lemming proceeds to trumpet this concept to all his lemming friends in a orgy of religious fervour. Meanwhile Bud voiced disbelief and maintained throughout that nothing in this life is for free. Bit by bit we see the brave lemming band travelling through the town by many modes of transport, recruiting more and more members to the hungry flock. And yea verily, by the time we got to Woodstock we were half a million strong er, no, that was another life. By the time the plucky yet parched pilgrims reach the top of the cliff, they discover that the old sailor man has indeed been trolling them and there is no ice cream. Such is the depth of their despair they throw themselves as one to their doom off the handily placed clifftop and go blop blop blop into the waters of eternity many leagues below.

This is exactly the sort of thing my malleable young mind requires for balanced development: I may nip back tomorrow and get the one about witches and satanic rituals. Plus, Dude, it totally perpetuates the myth about suicidal tendencies in migrating Scandinavian rodents.

In Beavers we learnt about the importance of cleaning hands and teeth. 3 of our band were chosen to have the special dye which stains dirty teeth purple and then Round Archie shouted "Vampire" and we all ran around screaming. On the way back through the park I noticed an unattended swinging basket so I orbited for a while singing Auld Lang Syne, as you do. I then requested 1 scooter-circuit of swingpark only and proceeded to circumnavigate the entire park, disappearing from view at least twice. Thus is the freedom of being 6.

Last thing at night Jof and I played Compare-the-tractors.com (effectively Top Trumps with tractors) and I won, for I had the Lamborghini that could do 35mph, and some fat BGR that was nearly 40 tons.

The mountain of chocolate balls

Started the day well with blutwurst in my fry-up.

Randomly we visited Kat (Jofs' work friend) who has a corner plot so one of the biggest gardens in Pompey. They have chickens and bees and a rifrif dog and a 12 foot trampoline which I went on, but they don't have ducks any more because the fox ate them. We gave them a bag of compost and 4 giant garlics, as you do.

Sainsburys' was ok I suppose but there was no room for me in the trolley because of all the stuff they bought for the Jubilee Puddleparty.

 

Once I'd had lunch I hit the road with Bud running alongside, just as all the football matches were starting, and met the Popses outside who marvelled at my grooviness. Jof sat in the sun in the garden. I cycled to Tunnel park and had a go on the trains. From there it was but a short hop through Eastney barracks to the seafront. It was quite busy but we avoided the slow fat people wandering about and reached the promised ice cream by the pyramids.

He had Yeti Mountain and I had a malteser, it had 3 big chocolatey discs full of vanilla and little chocolate balls. The beach was the perfect place to eat them, then I had a wee in a bush, it's good being a bloke.

After some indecision I climbed the pyramids wall again, met the Popses by the D-Day museum and climbed on the tanks. In no time we were at the minigolf so as it was empty the man said we could do the crazy golf and the minigolf - so we did. He won, and we had a picnic on the deserted pitch'n'putt green.

The return journey was easier because of the wind direction and we got home to an empty house 3½ hours after setting out. Jof had gone out looking for us. In retaliation I beat her at battleships and was still gargling away to myself at 10pm.

Today is a good day to dye

Today Jof dyed a T-shirt red and did some tie-dye garments which came out pink. A second attempt made better headway but it's still pink.
I took UglyDaddy to Tunnel park where we played football, I showed off my awesome skills in the bright sunlight. In the swingpark bit we met some kid who I played throw the ball with, he's younger than me and was content to be ball retriever, as long as he could throw it at me and try to knock me off the slide.

I kept saying "On me head, son" so in the end he started calling me Daddy, which is only fair, for he does not have one of his own. We played well for ages, and he has a yummy single mummy so we might meet up with them next week.
Then we bought black pudding and 2 pounds of bacon for breakfast, as you do.

I spent the afternoon expanding my gun. Recently I saw Ben with a home-made weapon of impressive girth and am determined to outdo him. All this has been done without input from Bud because he would cheat and use a carpet tube or multiple drainpipe rocket launchers or van der graaf generator ball death ray or, indeed, lend me his actual rifle.

Jof was unwilling to parade her first tie-dyeing attempt on the interweb so here's me waving my potent weapon. It even has double bayonets.

In the background you can see the flag I made with blue paper and brown tape. The Jubilee party is going to be fun.

Fooling none of the people, all of the time

Today the weather mended and there was laundry on the line when I got up.

This morning Chief Detective Inspector ErinsMum got a whisper in her shell-like from a grass in the Elephant and managed to put 12 and 8 together. The coat-down-the-bog culprit now appears to be naughty Alannah, as previously suspected way back on Toilet Mayhem Day (2 months ago). We're not sure whether the matter was dealt with internally by the school on a pupil confidentality basis or whether the pink perpetrator has so far eluded the educational authorities. Either way, we'll put out some feelers at pickup time and see if we get any bites. Such is the cut'n'thrust and rough'n'tumble of life as a 6 year-old. Turns out that Ollie has had his coat dunked recently. Is Alannah a serial bogwasher, or is it spreading?

Today is ErinsDads' birthday so that's a good enough excuse to nip down to the Pirate Ship Pub for a couple of swift fruit juices. After a quick supper I scooted down with the olds in tow. All the Puddlers except the Bens were there and a few bonus faces like Gemmas' Charlie and Ginger Lenny. I think my scooter made a welcome respite from the existing toys (plastic guns) but in the end it was just another thing to argue over.

You forget that the Old People leave us alone for two or more hours and expect us to get on with it while they imbibe their vitamin Beer. So yes, we'll run up and down, invade and defend the pirate ship and take turns on the scooter, but we'll also throw the pile of loose bricks around, climb on the plastic playhouse with its dangerous broken roof and hide the scooter in said house and say we're using it so nobody else can.

Thus although there were many hilarious moments and fun periods and hard work playing football with the deflated ball Bud found outside the perimeter, there were also howls and arguments and strops and tantrums and no you can't have any of my crisps and shoving and banging each other on the head with toy guns and stuff, and these are the aspects that the parents remember. Erin and Bobert definitely have a thang goin' on (maybe one day they'll suddenly snog like Hermione and Ron) but to be fair we all had a go at some point (except Pops and Elizabeth, who don't do that kind of thing).

Inside we collaborated quietly and successfully on a jigsaw map of the world which just goes to prove we can do it when gainfully occupied. ErinsMum took her home and ErinsDad got the look that says thou shalt finish that pint and come home now, Bobert got the look that says thou shalt spend the night in the shed, Mush, and they went. I played throw the white ball with Elizabeth on the pool table until home time.