Extra! Extra! Weedol about it

I got another "Your child has had a head bump" docket today. It was because Johnny kicked me in the nose.
As part of the ongoing house sale project, this afternoon we started using up the old gardening chemicals. All seeds were summarily planted (whether they wanted to be or not) and leftover fertilisers etc were thrown around. I went round shooting all the weeds with Weedol and Pathclear and MossDeath and DandelionBegone and whatever else we could find, in the double-pistol method preferred by all good screen actors. 
We used up 2 whole bottles, I think nothing will ever grow there again, like the legend of when the Romans sowed the Carthaginian fields with salt. I also got to chop up half a bay tree using the massive choppers invented by grizzled forestiers in Finland. We'll have another crackly bonfire in a while, once this lot has dried and Jof has condemned some more outdated furniture, one of her hobbies. Obviously I should have been in the Park, but I'll cycle there tomorrow.

In other news, I reported that we're doing a Skyscraper Diorama or similar in my class, so out went the call for small boxes we can draw windows on, line up, glue together and then explode with one of those little suitcase nukes so we can all work out the best place to stand in the event of nuclear holocaust. So of course Bud immediately brought home a bagful of assorted obscure boxes, including my personal favourite 'P-Wave Urinal Deodorizer' (flexible screens that reduce splashback and optimize fragrance release). Upon presenting the bag to the teacher, he got nothing but confusion (usual reaction from girlies). Of course, what I meant was, we're doing lighthouses in the summer term, so easy to get those guys mixed up. She accepted the bagful anyway.

Sleep? Ain't nobody got time fo' dat

Last night I had a strop'n'stomp at 8pm when I was told it was shower and bedtime. I tried the "I love you Mummy" song, and it didn't work. I tried the 3 quickfire questions (what time is it, what day is it, when are we next going to Ben's house) but none of these delaying tactics worked. I was most annoyed. But then part way through the shower, efficiently administered as usual, I developed Hurting Leg Syndrome. This enabled me to force a 20 minute leg massage with all the associated questions I could muster, and I was still awake an hour and a half later.

This is why I'm gathering black marks (1.75/5 so far: 5 means no party at the Gymnastics Centre) and also why Jof got me up early this morning, to teach me when sleep ought to be taken.

Gym itself was great - good to be back. Today I ate a lot of fish, in the hope that I would emit less methane.

The smoothness of my transfer to sleepy-byes remains to be seen. I still renegotiate everything and huff when I don't get my own way.

Day release scheme: on remand

At last, back to school and regularity of diet and sleep. The Head Teacher has instigated a new punishment schedule for naughty kids in assembly. Any mischief attracts a red point, 2 points make a red card and each red card is 5 minutes play lost for the whole class, even if it was only one miscreant. The reception years got 17 transgression points or something frightening so they get no play for 3 days. It's about time. ps, does that make the Headteacher Transgression Vamp?
Yesterday while running, he made a date for me with Pops. So, while he scrubbed the front patio with boiling bleach and installed a new doormat "Welcome" (how twee), I went round for my just desserts. She was busy with some other friends. Then there was 'Oh no, I do gymnastics on Wednesday' and I'm doing my hair on some other day, and in the end I just wonder whether these girlies he keeps going on about are worth it.
So I had comfort food (which in my case is ham sandwiches and pork pie) and Phineas + Ferb.
The perennial scourge of spelling has made a comeback. I so nearly got 'Nightdress' right first time but unfortunately put 'Иightdress' which doesn't count, apparently.
After supper I kissed Jof romantically on the nose, and just while she was appreciating the attention, I slowly yet loudly released 3 gallons of fetid marsh gas and collapsed giggling. I don't know where I get this.

Making the least of it

It's my last day off, so instead of making the most of it by going somewhere or doing something new I didn't even get up till 1130. One day I shall make a splendid teenager.

Then we spiced up the weekly shopping trip by visiting Kirby Road park which has some nice animals. The rabbits are fat, lethargic and in some cases, freakishly hairy. The zebra finches and budgerigars and so forth tveetled happily in their cages and the goats did nothing at all, for they are elderly and arthritic. There's even a sign that announces this.

Then I frittered away my final hours of freedom in front of the TV or playing Lego Creationary (not related to Creationist mythology), while Jof cleaned ALL day. Something about making the house look nice in case anyone wants to buy it.
ps. When it was confirmed to me that I shall return to school tomorrow, I actually hoorayed because I shall get to see Erin again and play Ninjago-spinners with Zachary.

The antepenultimate day of self-autonomy

It's been good. I've Legoed (if that isn't already a real verb, it is now), stared gormlessly at the TV and eaten chocolate enough for a lifetime in the fortnight or so of school holidays, but remember this too shall pass.

On the morning walk we discovered that the billboard advert I was supposed to have my picture taken in front of has been changed. This is a terrible shame and he was most petulant. I recreate here the section of the advert I was supposed to be pointing at: my dearest PuddleFriend Bobert in his Hollywood debut in the film "The Impossible" with Ewan MacGregor inter alia. The picture definition here is a pale shadow of the original, but I assure you it's him.

Anyway, then we went to the Tenth Hole cafe to meet old friends Andrew and Louise for coffee and arguments over how much food I was going to eat. They'd bought me a birthday present, you'll never guess what it was. No? It's Lego. I sat at another table and constructed the Lego Roadster, then we counted container ships and threw rocks at the radar reflector on the beach until Jof got cold. OK, so it looks like I'm cradling an abandoned seal pup. But really it's because I've got cold hands. Stopping only to have a quick swing in Canoe Lake park, we went home for laziness, Totopoly and bath fizzer night.
My Youtube videos were sadly deficient. I wanted Lego fights but all we could find were two 9 year-olds playing Spinjitsu where the winner is judged by how many bits fall off, and a stop motion film with 2 Lego humanoids doing a swordfight with inappropriate overdubs "Kazon, I will avenge my father's death" etc. So we tried a Lenny McLean unlicensed boxing clip but it was 30 seconds of bad footage. It's just the wrong search terms. I might as well have asked for 'Extreme daffodil cultivation' or 'Pimp my loft extension'.

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Our final visit to the crazy world of Germanic yesteryear concerns Johnny head-in-air.

I know a Johnny and his head is more often in a book, but names aren't everything.

 Here Mr Johnny pioneers the hilarious goose-step which was used a century or so later by some of his countrymen.



It certainly seems to keep the fish amused.

 It's nice to always have a couple of sturdy bearded Teutonic chaps around to help you out of a river.

This concludes our look at (selected pages of) the magnum opus of our favourite physician.

You just don't get this kind of stuff any more.
Then again, you didn't get access to infinite amounts of naked girlies via the internet back then, you actually had to go out into the street and pay for it.
Some of my friends have found out about the internet and what you can find. I'm sure it won't be long until I do as well....

Hiatus burnia

I got so much Lego for my birthday and Xmas that we have had to do an emergency bonfire of Lego boxes just so we can get into the conservatory.
At YMCA today I was with friends from swimming, Beavers, Gym, school and PuddleDucks (Half-Chinese Emma) which was a super-bonus. First up, we had a blackout. This was not a grid error, some workmen were replacing ducts so once they'd been fed sufficient breadcrumbs, the lights came back on, but it was fun anyway.

We went to the church next door and made clay moulds.

In the afternoon we did swimming and I got my usual heat rash from the floats. In an unrelated matter, all trains out of Portsmouth were cancelled due to a fatality at Hilsea, it's really annoying that you never find out exactly what happened.

The bonfire went off easily. With cardboard and white spirit and my extendable lighter, nothing survives. I've been firing since I was 2, and in the intervening 5 years, I've never burnt myself - I shall never be the Harriet of the story below.

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The week's final visit to the mind of continental Europe 2 centuries ago concerns a young lady who commits suttee without having been married. Despite the sterling (or should that be Deutschmark) efforts of her unreasonably clever cats, she is doomed by her own love affair with brimstone and saltpetre.

                                    Of course, I have never played with matches. This is because I simply use a lighter to light fireworks (without warning, in some cases) and the long-necked lighter to light the bonfire. Although this is not the first documented case of spontaneous human combustion, let it forever give us night terrors.

Emesis: the January Defrox

A much better start to the day - Jof is covering a nearer branch today so I got up late and accompanied her in on the bus. Even though the destination is less than a mile away and we had to be there for 10am, we still cut it fine due to slow old people on the bus. I'd specifically requested a later pickup time: this gave me time to:

* Go to the adventure playground (couldn't use the sandpit as it was being dug up)

* Make a giant paper aeroplane

* Do a big Lego-building competition where you had to make a house or helicopter or food in 2 mins, I got 10/10 for my chopper but a naughty boy on my team destroyed everything so we lost. And all this with several of my schoolfriends, a couple from gymnastics and a fellow swimmer.
The Puddlers are enjoying a few days of detox after the excesses of the holidays. There'll be a retox soon enough, mark my words.
Struwwelpeter.

Today our darling Deutsche Doktor encourages us not to suck our thumbs, for nobody likes a clever little sucker, especially one with a lisp.

On the other hand, mothers of even the youngest children can now feel free to advance directly to Granny Uniform, do not pass comfortable slacks.

I reckon this guy just needs something else to do with his hands.

Lego, anyone?

If 19th Century Germany was a place where roving tailors with giant scissors could gain access to private residences and mutilate children at will, I suggest we all avoid it on our next trips back in time.

Sucking my thumb is something I've never done.

Plus, I've stolen every pair of scissors in the house anyway, so I feel safe about not knowing why I'm safe. Er.

Another day, another wrinkle

Being woken up was a surprise. I've been getting used to beauty sleep and very late mornings, but they can't last forever. Then all 3 of us got in the car and I was first out, at the YMCA.

Today I played Lego and Uno and turned down the opportunity of making soup in favour of going to Victoria Park and I played 20 games of dodgeball and I watched someone play their DS which is why I'm writing a storybook about an evil person who is going to shoot torpedoes all over the city and I have to shoot them down with freezing milk firebombs.

I sadly missed the final Park Wednesday because of this, but hey, we all have to work. I shall be happy to transmogrify into a Park Thursday-goer (or is that transmute?) as soon as we're all back to normal, or whatever that is for us lot.

Later I completed my thank you letters and used the hairdryer.

Today's Lesson from beyond the grave is about the soup I could have made at YMCA today. Our favourite deceased German doctor warns us that failure to eat soup regularly can lead to a fatal inversion and burial.

On the tip of my tongue

I got up late as ordered. In fact, I was ten minutes away from getting up in the afternoon. Jof spoke to someone on the big white telephone which made space for breakfast, I just got down to Lego anyway in my pyjamas. These PJs were an absolute winner - I wore them over my clothes to the party, wore them to bed, and here I am still in them. Confusing flashes keep coming back to me from last night. Just what was I doing under the spare bed with Erin? Why did they drop so many glasses on the floor? What is it about truncheons that makes mummies giggle? Answers on a postcard by last Friday please.....

Eventually we realised we were going to have to get moving so we all walked over Ben's bumpy paths (muddy) to get the car back. From there we joined half the population on the sunny seafront which was one big traffic jam. Canoe Lake swingpark was very busy so I became part of the climbing-frame tunnel and little kids clambered around under me.

Once we'd thrown a few rocks and dodged not quite enough waves, we all got a bit cold and wet and headed home for a hot meal, our must-get-fresh-air duty done. I think we shall be eating and drinking leftovers for a bit, and the return to reality will be hard. Happy New Year to all!
In today's instalment of "StruwwelPeter" we learn that spoilt kids that are allowed to run riot in dodgy sailor's uniforms and beat the maidservants will surely suffer gangrenous legs and unpleasant medicine. I think we can all learn from this one.

A very Puddle New Year's Eve

Up for 11am, because he told me to. It seemed like no time at all until we were shopping in the rain, I spent the last of my Xmas/birthday money and got 3 more Lego Ninjago things, he tried to push me towards the dock with crane and ship or the office block with safecracker and helicopter because at least you can reuse the bits to make something else. I went on at him at length about how the Green Sensei Snake has the best Rave and spinner and the special spikes all over the vehicles make them fly and he just didn't understand the significance of it all. Not so much spinner as spanner.

I still haven't fully grasped the 1st and 2nd Law of Lego 1) No adult cares and 2) Not even a little bit. Is there a collective term for a Lego collection of this magnitude (given that this lot was bought in the last week)? He suggests 'An Obscenity Of Lego'.

It's just one of those things you look forward to all year, then in a flash of frilly knickers, it's gone and you have to wait a whole year again. This one is a fancy dress on a Cops'n'Robbers theme so I've gone predictably mad with some pyjamas and possibly my 4th eyemask (should have looked in the dressing-up box first).

Jof has destroyed an old dress and spent hours watching Blackadder. Bud has visited a charity shop and for only 6 shillings and some food stamps has obtained a very nice demob suit, only several sizes too big. With our well-honed catchphrases (me - Hand over the loot/It's a fair cop, Guv'nor), her (I hate squirrels) and him (Err, what's up doc/Who loves your baby) I feel we're onto a winner for best dressed PuddleFamily.

We arrived separately and got stuck in. Kodak wore his suit all night and my pyjamas were just right. Quite a few times we had to go and tell the adults to keep the noise down and Bobert called them Lame-os. The squirrel-murderer sang off-key a lot and we shot each other and had a good time although there were a few final warnings and a few howls. Erin had me in an arm-lock when Ben jumped on us so that was painful but I soon forgot about it and found the Lego Heroes and we all spent time under the spare bed with the lights off and there were films and guns and blowup guitars and we danced with the convicts and shot at the arab and had a firework display at midnight.

Our taxi arrived right in the middle of the party so next time we'll stay later.