Exeat: Salisbury Cathedral (Harum Sarum)

Today Jof was scheduled to be at work again so we did what any self-respecting pair of boys would do, plan a fun day out.
Salisbury Cathedral is a stonking great edifice, about 800 years old, and very nice it is too. I have seen it before, when I was a bump, and again when I was about 4.
So we plan these little outings to places of note, and we do the studious investigation of the serious places, and we hardly laugh at all, apart from all the time. It was therefore a bit of a surprise when Jof came home again.
She had been over-scheduled, double-booked and so forth and they didn't need her at work so she said why don't I come with you then but we said Oh no you don't, you're a total girl and will just slow us down. This may have been somewhat unfair in retrospect but you can't go around changing schedules and agendas, we'd never hear the end of it if we said stuff Tuesdays, I don't fancy going to school.
We know the way to Salisbury, we were there only last year on our way to Stonehenge. The ring road was its usual delight and we found the car park by large Sainsbury's and went up their long wheelchair ramp to buy a quick sandwich for stair-climbing energy.
We also found Jojo Maman Bebe where they bought me my favourite red coat.
Plus we used the underground public toilets but had to pay the Toilet-Troglodyte 20p for the privilege! Much like paying a troll bridge, I suppose.
The clergy of years past decided to build a cathedral in Salisbury after arguing with the soldiers in the Norman castle in Old Sarum, 11th century. There was absolutely nothing there except sheep and they were quite obedient so the Bishop commandeered loads of land by the river and hey presto, a cathedral was built in only 35 years, which was quite good.
Thus the town itself was designed by the Baby-eating Bishop in a grid system that survives today.
60 or so years later, they added the tower/spire, which caused structural difficulties with the extra weight and stuff, the foundations are only 4 feet deep, right next to a river, built on gravel so the tower pushed the middle of the building down by 11 inches and you can see that dip today.
They have a medieval clock (built 1386) that is still ticking, 4.4 billion ticks and counting.
The area around the building is very large and full of history and eye-watering house prices.
We met the tour guide (pre-booked tickets, online services, £17 for the both of us) and she was nice and immediately singled me out for special treatment because I speak up for myself and am about 60 years younger than everybody else on the tour.
I saw the giant front door and the brass lock is hilarious, with such a massive keyhole I reckon the key itself might be bigger than any in our collection of antique giant keys.
So: you go up stone spiral staircase #1. A mere 800 years old, it leads to the first level clerestory with the tall stained glass windows and a vaguely adequate view of the internal space allowed by the numerous flying buttresses, some of which look like a massive spider climbing the tower.
From there we used spiral staircase #2 and met the attic space over the long West Nave, original wooden struts and frames, only 1000 years old. OK, they were put up 750 years ago, but the trees had to be 250 years old to be big enough to be used as construction materials.
There is a framed document: Guinness book of world records for the highest spire in Great Britain (404 feet) signed by his Lordship Norris McWhirter himself!
Do not be mistaken, this really is a highly impressive beast, it just goes on and on, this last 8 centuries or so.
At the other end of the Nave is the Tower proper. The clock room was nice with medieval wrought iron supports and some extra architectural tricks provided by some crowd called Christopher Wren.
Each corner has its original spiral staircase but they've installed an open wooden structure to climb up which was nice and another of the same up to the spire room. I found several dead butterflies and some graffiti, mostly 19th century but going back to 1486.
The spire itself goes up way more but you're not allowed up it unless you're a Steeplejack, and they didn't believe me so pants to you.
But you can see (better with binocular vision) extensive framework going all the way up with ladders and planks and waystation-platforms and O my goodness I really wanted to go up more but no chance.
We got the chance to go onto the parapet balconies on 3 of the 4 compass directions, the south face has a water tank and is favoured by peregrine falcons so that one is off limits but we looked over the crevasse of the other 3 and saw the late Edward Heath's house and all the expensive houses and the water meadows and yeah, not bad.
We might possibly have farted generously in all 3 available compass directions but better that than in a narrow spiral staircase, believe you me. On the way down we totally beat everyone else and in the shop I bought a squashed penny and indeed, a booklet to keep my collection of squashed pennies in. I also lit 3 votive candles to dead members of my family. They have a Magna Carta (800 years) but I guess I missed that one.
The shop + café is totally overpriced but it all goes to the upkeep of the splendid building so you can't complain.
Then we visited the Pizza Hut that we'd eaten in when I was 4 and I had the ice cream factory and my pizza was small. Too small. But I did have salad, so not all unhealthy.
The stamp and coin collectibles shop was still open (just) so we bought 4 silly foreign coins and drove home where Jof had enjoyed a day of housework, cleaning, laundry and watching football on TV.

That's when we put on Harry Potter Deadly Hellos part 2, goodness me, it was complicated. Supper was about 10 pm and I might even go to bed today. Well, I didn't yesterday. I was found asleep with my head in a Terry Pratchett book at 8 minutes past midnight. This time it was ten to midnight, must have been a busy day.