The sands of time

Water-walkerz.com do the big plastic bubble things you go in on water.

Today I'd a place booked in the morning on the outside swimming pool. It was very funny indeed but quite tiring.

You sound like a robot when you're in there and you look like Arnie the Terminator landing into our timezone when it's inflating around you. He told me not to fart.

Mostly of course, you're on your bottom but it's still funny. As we were last in the queue I got an extra long session and even Bud had a go (no more successful than me, thanks very much). Then we hit Monkey World again (empty) and the 3 of us traced the cable back to the junction box and reactivated the ball-pit-ball cannon. Jof got all the way to the top and liked shooting the cannon. I'm quite a good shot as well.

Todays' trip was to Alum Bay. There was a big queue at the gate because we weren't early, 600 cars were already there. We bought return tickets on the stairlift and walked along the pebbly beach to the cliffs where we found a cave that had been colonised by Vietnamese.

There were fallen rocks everywhere so we moved away from the impact sites and blast zone and found a freshwater spring at the base of the chalk cliff. This rock-purified H2O was too good to miss so we drunk all our juice until our tummies bloiked and filled up the bottle from the free spring.

On the beach it's shingle but towards the ever-collapsing chine cliffs there's lots of visible strata of coloured sands in the basal grey mud. We found many fossils of sea shells and ironstones and we even brought a bit back although there were signs telling you not to.

Then we abandoned Jof to her shingly fate (she got a sore bottom on the lumpy rocks) and re-ascended the stairlift to head to the Needles. Below the stairlift track we laughed at piles of lost hats and dropped shoes (mostly kids sizes), of course they're lost forever as you can't go back and get them. They will slowly make their way down the land-slippy cliffs, advancing every time it storms.

We climbed the big chalk outcrop to the very top, showing off our toned torsos. The view was scrummy but we didn't go too near the cliff edge because we'd just seen what happens to cliff edges.

The Needles Old Battery had a dugout bomb shelter with rocket test stories, models and pictures and was free. We were just heading down to the other one right in front of the Needles Lighthouse when an open-topped double decker bus appeared. It's one of those things you just can't turn down so I flashed the driver my winning smile and he let me on free. Because of this free ride back we were way ahead of our scheduled meeting with Jof and got some arcade games in before heading home.

Swam in the outside pool (cold) and the inside pool (learning to swim underwater) and did yet more sterling work in Monkey Bizznizz while Jof packed and Bud tried to empty all the beer bottles to save on luggage weight.

Shrouded in mist-ery

Rain and fog. Jof drove us through a cloud down miles of single track lane that her Tablet PC had mapped out for us.

It was still wartime as all the signs had been removed to confuse the invaders, but also a manic council official had nailed a 30 mph sign to every tree and telegraph pole. The Germans will advance unsteadily and at a sensible speed.

We finally arrived at Blackgang Chine (we were #5 car so very quiet upon arrival) where it was so foggy some Yellowjackets were guiding people into the car park with little orange light-up cricket bats, I kid you not.

Again, this is not offputting to us stoic Pompeyites so we went round every single "Attraction", all of which were genially insane in one way or another. They're strong on dodgy animatronic models and I was scared in the Rumpus Mansion with its burping trolls and screaming goblins.

Jof had a rest while we did Frontierland (in the authentic western saloon bar, everyone else had cap pistols or rifles. I did not, so managed to find a large broom from somewhere and swept the establishment, for no-one shoots the cleaner) and The Fairy Castle. Fairies and dinos and magic mushrooms (possibly over-consumed by the creators of these barking displays) leap out at you from behind every bush.

One area has 500 chimney pots of obsolete designs.

Lunch was early, poorly cooked and expensive. I picked at my chips while Jof complained that her chicken wrap tasted like catfood (and she should know) and got a cheese roll instead.

Meanwhile hundreds of other people had arrived and milled around in the thick fog hoping for a glimpse of something more than 20 feet away ie perhaps the sea.

Here are some of the mushrooms, for my money, one of them strikingly resembles Dear Follower Martin before he met his girlfriend Dear Follower Zoe. The maze was even more a-maze-ing than usual as it was entirely shrouded in mist so you couldn't even cheat by standing on someone's shoulders.

I was wowed by the World Of Wood and Ferries and Steam Engines and Lifeboats. Lots more animatronic models with confusing poetic overdubs in accents of all nations and a grandmother in bed that didn't do anything when you pressed the button.

I went on the dinghy waterslide with Bud because he said it wasn't fast which was a lie so I needed a cuddle with Jof afterwards. I did not go on the rollercoaster as they are too scary, I couldn't tell how big it was because the top was obscured by the roiling sea fog.

The Pirate Barrels (exactly the same as the spinning teacups at Paultons' Park) were totally fabulous (apart from the dubious nursery rhymes blaring at you), you can make them spin faster if you turn the central wheel so after the first ride a distinctly pale Bud got off and I went alone a further twice, exiting the ride like a true Pirate who's just been paid in rum. Right at the very end we glimpsed a glimmering glint of sunshine upon the sea below, but we still drove back through cloud.
Back for archery, another free activity. The plastic bows and arrows were a bit crap but we all liked the crossbows. I got much better at shooting and then went for a sweaty hour in Monkey World.
Took a beach ball swimming this time. Apparently today there was a duck in the outside pool.

iark iark creeeew creeew pkarkle

Woken up by wildlife to discover we'd somehow failed to buy the margarine that was definitely in our Sainsburys trolley yesterday. Cereal for breakfast. On the grass outside our front door can be found an average of 9 big brown slugs, especially bad for Jof who is allergic to the idea of slugs.
Drove to Sandown. A church is for sale just up the hill, handy for the beach. The reason it's for sale is that it's one of a row of 4 churches, ie too many shops for not enough customers so one has folded.
We joyously left footprints in the sand between the groynes and threw stones at seagulls. I got a bounce on the seafront trampolines and then we played minigolf in the rain, for we are of Pompey stock and a little deluge fazes us not.

It's a really good course and just like the trampolines, is open to the elements so very good for after the pub when the man has gone home and you hop over the little fence and you don't have to pay. Bud: 55. Jof: 92. Me: 116 - I win.

Driftwood Beach Bar and Grill for lunch. I did not get a Fruit Shoot because recently a 4 year-old choked to death on their new-fangled bottle top so they were all recalled at great expense.

Next activity: Dinosaur Isle. This is because it was still raining and they're inside. There's only so much you can get from a collection of dino fossils if you can't read the accompanying text, but there was a sandpit where you can excavate bones and a rubber crocodile upstairs that you can fight with a la Mick Dundee. The crystal skulls in the shop were £135 so I got 3 wooden snakes instead.

The rain had stopped so we tried to feed a Polo to a lonely moorhen on the lake (should you always carry a selection of emergency crusty bread?) and hit the "Steven Jenkins Rainbow Playground", apparently, a large play area split up into Kiddie area, a bit for me, an exercise park and a skatepark.

Drove back to the cottage past HMP Parkhurst, and Bud and I headed to the shore where the Dino museum assured us that we could find fossilised crocodile skin. We battled the coastal path. We battled the overgrowth (overgrown undergrowth). We battled the slippery rocks. We found nothing apart from rubbish, and we're not talking Coke cans here, it was destroyed sheds and actual boatwrecks.

We gave up and battled up the cliff towards the promised coastal path but got terminally trapped by dog roses, holly and brambles. Call yourself a Sherpa? Then it started to rain. We had to retrace our dangerous steps. At least no humans were harmed in the making of this movie, but really.

Drove round in a huge circle to find a shop for bread: this is a confusing island. We saw red squirrels today.

You know the soft play area that was shut for the duration? Well, today Jof found the real Monkey Bizness doing perfectly good business the other side of the rhythmic-gymnastics-for-old-people gym. I attacked it with vigour and my new Chinese friend from the changing rooms enlisted Buds' help to get the giant coconut-monkey up to the 3rd level so we could roll it down the curly tube slide and maim a small child.

Now. Last year we did our holiday at Butlins. This one is structurally similar - the 'Apartment' is laid out in the same way, but in Butlins there is so much more on campus. This one is much more of a base from which to investigate the surrounding countryside: so this is what we shall do. However, a bit of advice for future travellers - there's always stuff you'll forget - such as: kitchen timer, washing up brush, draining rack, more than 4 loo rolls, etc.

Driving on the right

This next 5 posts will chronicle the summer holiday on the Isle of Wight that Jof arranged for us.

The ferry people said arrive at 1030 but it was very busy so the yellowjackets gesticulated wildly and we got a place on an earlier ferry. Jof spent 20 minutes in the queue for coffee and 20 minutes waiting for it to cool down by which time we'd landed.

Island inhabitants rushed up to us and begged for tales from the mainland. The former Roman province of Vectis had been in a triple-dip recession since the Sestercius was unexpectedly phased out. At this point wireless internet access failed permanently so I will have to update all this upon my triumphant return to civilisation: I apologise deeply for the break in transmission. Not far from Fishbourne we found Seaclose Park on the way into Newport. It's a medium-to-large swingpark with the "Madonna" double rope pyramid, a zipline, basket, double twirler and many other exciting items. We stopped off for 30 mins' hard labour in a very decent swingpark.

After a go on the basket with some local youths, I sang "You spin me round right round like a rock baby" approx 435 times until we reached the Bargemans' Rest for a slap-up lunch (the slaps were because of the 1 line of the song x 435) which Jofs' friend had recommended. It's chock full of boating memorabilia with ships' wheels, cannons and oars all over the place. I climbed the "Do not climb" wall under the flyover bridge next to the pub and on we went. The activity of the day (before even booking into the holiday village) was Carisbrooke Castle.

We approached incorrectly by a series of tiny lanes of approx 3 ft maximum width. It's a splendid castle if a little ruined, with a spanking outer curtain wall, a very deep well from the top keep (from where you can see the Spinnaker Tower) and lots of nooks and crannies. Jof was unimpressed by the museum bits - the only original things were the walls, all the rest were artists' impressions of what it may have been like but I loved it. Then I volunteered for the army. The Sergeant did drill training ("Preeee-sent ARMS! Hup 234" etc) and I (with 25 other random conscripts) wielded a wooden Lee-Enfield through some parade manoevres and 3 times round an obstacle course. For my last event I chose to climb the top keep again but by the time we returned Jof was tired so we didn't get to play with the real Lee-Enfield the Drill Sergeant had. We renegotiated the same dreaded Newport one-way system from yet another direction and escaped its gravitational field to Cowes. This seaside town has extremely classy bits that are both picturesque and expensive: they all face the sea. The land approach is stranglingly difficult and we finally found a Sainsburys in the basement of a converted pub a mere 85 yards from its own car park. I climbed a disused crane on the wharf.

With only 7 wrong turns we made it to the apartment complex/holiday chalet-village Gurnard Pines. Having investigated all the cupboards and unpacked as best we could, we chose to try the indoor swimming pool which was warm and fun. There was a kid of approx my age in the changing rooms on the way out who was argumentative and bossy - totally unlike me of course. We were destined to meet again.

Then we tried the childrens' play area and soft play as advertised in the brochure but it was closed for the duration of the summer for maintenance.

Achtung Feuer! Ve are under attack!

Lazy morning during which we hoovered the car in preparation for leaving the country. The big hoover machine in the petrol station has a big nozzle and absolutely the first thing I sucked up was a small plastic label or somesuch and it lodged inside the hosepipe and made a dreadful SCREEEEEE sound for the remaining 4 minutes 58 seconds.

During his run he noticed something interesting and phoned me to give instructions - Canoe Lake NOW and take a camera. I ran upstairs to alert Jof who had just got in the shower.

We raced down there to discover the Portsmouth model ship club or similar putting on a melange of naval battle re-enactments. There were model tanks, army camps, pirate ships, model warships that were so big there was a man inside driving, submarines, sea mines, destroyers and also the Titanic.

 They pootled about in circles and shot at each other and set off orange flares and eventually they all blew up and sank.

Meanwhile a rather boring chap (I'm sure he's a lovely man in real life) droned on and on about the models and their obsessive owners. Jof was not impressed but I was.

Later we played pitch'n'putt at the minigolf course on the seafront. I'm getting better all the time but Jof isn't. I just don't think her hearts' in it. I spent most of the round playing with the flags which was a little distracting.

Then we walked to the castle and threw 30 or so number rocks back into the sea from whence they came, for other obsessed little people to pick up again.

F*** C*** W***: Terrace Protocol

A few months ago, at the end of the domestic league football season, I attended the final home game of the 2011-2012 season at Fratton Park, home of Portsmouth FC, then of the Championship division (2nd div) but now of Division 1 (3rd div) because they lost and were relegated before my very eyes. I saw it with several of my school-friends because tickets were a quid for a kid, bring a pet adult for £10. It's the same price today so I invited the Piddlers and 2 of them are coming with us!

In other news, my lottery ticket didn't win. On the other hand, Buds' one and the one he did with Official Blog Followers Fiona and Corinne at his work did - both got £3.40. So that money has been reinvested in the next draw. 

Nothing says you're going like a ticket in your hand



I chose the numbers, handed over the money and collected the ticket myself - all totally illegal of course as I'm under 16. I did this on our normal Saturday morning walk where we met the woolly trees. There are many strange people in Portsmouth (and we should know, for we are 2 of them) some of whom knit woolly scarves for trees and lamp-posts. It's harmless, I guess.....

Then, after a load of TV, Beth and Ben arrived. We Legoed instantly while the adults drank tea (high living) and then we headed off to the football stadium.

The stadium was not full. We estimate 5 or 6 thousand supporters were with us, and at the away fans end, about 30 - 1 busload. They were quiet for the whole game as we started brightly and scored twice in the first 20 minutes! Oh how we cheered and jumped up and down, once we'd stopped burbling to each other and realised we'd scored.
Due to the jiggling-about that we do, Ben did rather crunch his nuts upon the flip-up seat, we tried not to laugh. The rest of the first half deteriorated into ping-pong and arguments.

At half time we explored the North Stand. The entire top deck was empty so we sat in as many seats as possible, ran up and down and were eventually told off by one of the few security guards the club could afford and so descended right to the very front to get free sweetie handouts from Nelson the mascot and his helper-girlies. We did quite a lot of nipple-flashing as well.  

The second half started brightly, as before, and we netted yet again against the side that's supposed to be much better than us. All the way through, a 6 or 7 year-old boy 3 rows below us kept on looking round, jealous of how much fun we were having. We laughed, played, quarkled and burbled and for brief periods, actually watched the match. The parents were worried about possible bad language but we actually detected none. Eventually it finished 3-0 in our favour and we trooped home (I got a twisted ear for running off) and played Lego and drawing and performed 3 ecstatic news broadcast performances about the Olympics and alien landings from the safety of a pile of chairs, as you do.

Bath fizzer night....I chose Vivaldi 4 seasons.  After the slippery event, I slipped over and hit my patella against the wall, but lived to tell the tale.

These are the bath fizzers from which I was to make my choice. For the roses, you're supposed to tear the petals off and cast them wantonly upon the surface where they slowly dissolve into pink snot (Bridge over bubbled water). This pink selection should not be taken as an indication that I'm a girl. It is a sad indictment on the fizzer technology of today that I cannot simply purchase a more manly fizzer such as a football, hand grenade or soot-blackened assault knife with the end dipped in red. And instead of roses and lavender, perhaps a more virile aroma such as beer, cordite and WD40? Just saying.

Neil Bymouth, Inventor of the Reticulated Skink Fastener

Happy Friday everyone! Lunch was pizza today upon which I stamped my mark - look at the face on that!
Today I return victorious from Nannas' house and will hopefully bring sufficient photos to brighten up my last couple of posts. It's my swimming lesson this afternoon which cannot be missed.
We got back in time to get reacquainted with the TV before going off to swimming.

The Royal Marines Charity band was oompah-ing in Guildhall Square but they'd finished by the time I was dry and had made it down there. However the giant copper doors at the top of the Guildhall steps were open so I snuck in while everyone else was trying to get on telly and had a nose around before some officious old hag threw me out. Give it 8 years and I'll be Mayor - then I'll have the key. At showertime tonight, I was just getting a piggy-back on my way to teeth-cleaning when I said put my feet in your pockets. Usually I can stand up from there, but this time his trousers were undone. So gradually I sunk backwards to the floor with my feet caught in his trousers. He sunk forwards to the floor with his trousers round his ankles and, separated by 6 ft and his shorts, we laughed and giggled. It's lucky that we both didn't get hiccups. These are the things that father-#1 son relationships are made of, and we both missed it while I was away.

A good girls' dream come true

The Olympic badminton people that were sent home yesterday made me laugh, 2 teams trying to outdo each other in being bad at badminton. But they're not the first cheats.....
● Boris the fencer with the buzzer-button hidden in his sword
● Herman the German who was for the high jump after pretending to be a woman
● Gunnar the pistol shooter who steadied his nerves with a couple of pints of beer
● Fred the marathon runner who hopped in a car for 11 miles of the course
● Madeline whose twin ran a relay for her after she hurt her foot
● People were cheating 2500 years ago in the original games of ancient Greece, mostly bribery. They were exiled, flogged or fined. Fine money went to building special statues to remind people of their naughtiness.

Perhaps Mr Ben should think of this picture next time he wants to go to McDougalls.

Anyway, while I was gone, the window man came and fixed the window in my old bedroom, now it opens. In a worthy bit of timing, the window cleaners arrived 20 minutes later and cleaned them all.

Today I was my usual manic self so after a game of Uno we went to Sovereign Harbour (like Gunwharf but without the history) for lunch. Their marina is protected from the sea by a lock system and they've partially desalinated the water - so you can see freshwater fish in it, including neon tetras and grey mullet. While we were walking around it, a weirdo (staff) latched onto us but he gave us bits of biscuit to feed to the fish so it wasn't all bad.



Your favourite supermodel: bridge over untroubled waters

They come right up to the surface to take the food from your fingers, rather like an aquatic tame squirrel. We also took the harbour tour boat and went under a bridge that opens like Tower Bridge, but smaller. Back at home I beat Jof and Nanna at Monopoly, for I am unbeatable.

The boating life has made an impression on me (mildly surprising from a man that lives in the British Naval HQ). This Friday the Euromillions lottery jackpot is £138 million: I bought a ticket and if I win, I shall purchase a little speedboat that sits 3-7 passengers and me (as driver).



An August Frontier

August: a month when every single day is holiday. This week Erin is off to the West Country for the first of 2 trips (interesting planning) and the JoniBobs are off to the Belle Poitrine campsite in Aix-en-Pains, (just down the road from Poules-des-Boches, Gascogne), France. As for myself, I'm off to see Nanna for a couple of days to ride the trains and play GrandMahJong, aha.

Incredibly, I forgot to post a picture of all the school well-done badges I got this academic year. Following last years' scrappy collection, I put this years' on black card so they'd show up better. Looks like I got into the Golden Book 8 times and into the Polite Book zero??

It's not like I'm an abusive, disruptive pupil - I got the 100% attendance award - what more do you have to do?

OK. So I'm spending the day with Nanna (Mums' Mum, and contrary to ordinary), she says everything twice and doesn't walk great distances so well but she makes me laugh and I make her laugh so it's a match made in heaven, and so it should be. Mums' Dad didn't make it long enough to meet me which is a crying shame but I've got her and that's what counts.
She thinks the sun shines out of my pants, for some reason (although my limited grasp of basic physics precludes this) and that's totally fine by me because Solar-powered Rocket Pants is pretty well all any 6 year-old could hope to have. For those of you lucky enough to have Grandparents you can giggle with, I say - take it while you can.
Gardeners' corner: 38 different species of flower in my back garden tonight, including a pink California poppy - and I thought they only came in yellow.