June 2017 2/4

Mufasa Monday started with creative writing. I am quicker than most so got a chance to do further additions to my story (based on the Lion King).

And us lead characters (with actual lines) in the Year 6 school play (The Lion King) had a full rehearsal. It's a low-budget production so when I am cast to my death by the treacherous Ska, I just fall over lethargically, rather than plummet flailing off a crumbling cliff into a herd of stampeding Wildebeeste. We couldn't afford the Wildebeeste, and our health and safety man said no cliffs for the under-12s.

Incidentally, in a previous school production, I also had to fall to my doom when cast off my own bridge by treacherous Billy Goat #3. Perhaps I will end up always being the bad guy in my movie career, no bad thing.

Managed another Minecraft Skype call with Screen Wife Sydney, and we had our first married quarrel, didn't think it was possible. But at least we both got lots of exercise in the cyber-sunshine playing hide'n'seek. This was made possible by Ben being at the basketball tournament, cancelling Beach Monday.

In Scouts, I had an arrangement with Luke that we would both bring in our duplicate Lego cards, to do some swapping. I brought a brick of cards, a veritable shelf of them, over 100. He brought about 12, only 4 of which were new to me, what a con. We played a game where the older Scouts whizzed a bola at knee height and we had to jump over it without getting it wrapped around our legs. Adam Cricket and I were the last men standing but the rest of the group were so roister-doisterous that we couldn't finish the game, and Scout-Fuhrer had to get quite shouty. I got my Patrol Badge which as you can see is Merlin, not Petulant Corncrake.

Hand-Me-Up Tuesday started badly. Normally I have a domestic administrator who will deal with any school letters or forms or demands for money or permission slips instantly, and place the completed article in my school bag by close of business on the same working day.

But seeing the explanatory pamphlet and associated permission slip for the "Year 6 Bikeability Week", he assumed I didn't need one as I can already ride a bike, and binned it forthwith. As it was the last day for handing in signed forms, Poor Old Jof had to do it.

She is currently suffering from Gravedigger's Gout, Screaming Heebie-Jeebies and Adverse Camber of the Leg so she walks like a cross between a Mexican Grandmother and a damaged Terminator with only 2% battery life left. In fact, we have been most cruel in laughing at her.

But I certainly wasn't laughing as she kindly and bravely battled the mean pavements to come into school and sign it personally, saving me from a week of literacy revision and Disney movies.

And it was school photo day. This is not the entire-school-on-scaffolding one, but the individual portrait and the class photo. As it was very hot for the whole of the week, I was wearing shorts and no jumper. But apparently school rules dictate that you have to have your image permanently etched in silver compounds (or pixels) while sweltering pinkly to death in a jumper. So, like most others in the entire school, I had to find a knackered old Year-3 sized jumper that smelt of cheese from the lost property box, which also smells of cheese and those special 'mouse raisins'.

However, I helped to pay her back for her efforts in running my entire life for the last 12 years, by making supper. Jointly, I suppose, but I chopped and sliced and stir-fried my way to chickeny noodly heaven, nothing to do with the flying spaghetti monster. I got a Scout badge for cooking, you know.

Hump Day had a whole hour of PE in which I chose football over tennis and actually touched the ball! I got an assist when I passed to James and he scored. Of course, most of the match was marred by arguments which is why I normally don't bother.

Some time ago, the headmaster instituted a system of red and yellow cards to try and instil some discipline. Of course, without the more traditional discipline of canes and shouting, no progress will be made so now it's a points system. You start with 20, and anyone who still has 20 or more at the end of the term gets to have a fun day at the Pyramids waterslide funpark.

You can gain points for being wonderful and a wonderful girl has already upped her total to 23, whereas Child B has so far dropped to 16: Day 2.

After school I wandered around the park a bit because I promised Jof I'd go for a bracing walk. And then after a couple of hours playing Minecraft with Sydney, I grabbed myself a comedy snack of 3 yogurts, a custard, a jelly, 11 grapes and a packet of Wotsits. Meant I didn't finish supper, of course, but who's counting.

Record temperatures hit Britain for a third day

Even though I now wear school shorts, it's still a tad warm so I'll be having a haircut soon, especially now the school photos have been done.

Hardly anybody lost brownie points today, perhaps because the teachers have said that if there are enough goody-two-shoes, we could book out the whole Pyramids Watery Funpark for a manic smash-session. Because there is a member of the school basketball team in my Scout group, I knew on Monday just how Puddlers Ben and Erin and Tall James and 'Fridge' Fraser got on at the basketball competition. We spanked the opposition totally and the winners' medals will be handed out at a special assembly soon.

Although I promised I'd 'walked round the park' on the way home, he still made me go out again and we met Brandon the Footballer and Owen the Destroyer and GreenGuy, and a million other happy youngsters in the sun. I should probably do it more.

Pulex irritans (the Flea)

Today was just one of those days when everybody was irritated. OK, so the school-wide malaise (much like sick building disorder or irritable bowel syndrome) could have been something to do with heat-related sleep loss ailment versus sloshing hormone malady with a touch of Minecraft-related reality confusion, possibly all in my own head, but possibly not.

In Literacy, we had to expand upon our Lion King-related stories. Clearly, I had chosen the Lion Mufasa as my main character, as I have played him in at least 3 stage productions. But, as Monty Burns hath told us, the true winner makes an effort above and beyond the rest of the pack and I mentioned that the voice of Mufasa (James Earl Jones) also played Thulsa Doom in Conan the Barbarian, and King Jaffe Joffe in 'Coming to America', and Darth Vader, and in each case, declared himself to be the Father of the Main Character in a big booming voice. Now, that's the kind of Thesp that'll live forever in any galaxy near or far.

So there was a lot of pushing on the stairs and in the playground, a lot of poking with pencils and insults, and some barbs, slings and arrows, not to mention sticks and stones. Amazingly, I survived the day still on 19 Pyramid Points and enjoyed after-school gardening club, even if it was just weeding again.

Saturday Sneeze-a-thon was really noisy and drippy, for those of us in the family with Saturday Night Hay Fever. I was up last, and got my Youtube time before being re-fortified with scrambled eggs as usual.

It may be a day off, but we don't get to sit around. Jof was Branch Manager for the second day running, achieving her childhood aim of shouting at everybody without them getting to answer back. Bud sorted my coin collection and I had to show my Official Scout face and press the flesh at the Church Fayre.

It has been quite warm recently so I had a haircut first, a Grade 3 on top and Grade 2 on the sides, one Grade longer than usual because in 2 weeks it's the school prom and I need to look my best, not a shaven-headed thugbert. At the fayre I won breakfast (choose a full egg from the sand-tray of empty/full eggs and win a rasher of bacon as well) and had 2 goes on the coconut shy but failed with all 6 balls! This is most unlike me.

Scoutmaster Skip offered me a place on the Leaders' camp but I turned it down because of a prior acting lesson, even though I wanted to do both. I guess you get double-booked when you're a megastar.

After yet more Sydney-Skype-Minecrafting, we went to acting and rehearsed our play while the rest of the world sat on the beach with or without clothes or saw the live band at King Henery the 8ths' I am I am's bandstand in the blazing sunshine. At one point, Bud deliberately grabbed me and let his hay fever-ridden nose drip right into my face. This is where the psychiatrists of the future get paid: you just don't need it. I was most punchy.

Later, Flame-haired Sydney and I were just settling down to a 7-hour Mine-Skype-love-in when Jof insisted on going out for supper, so it wouldn't just be Film Night again, even though she's just bought me the 'Lethal Weapon' DVD series. Now that she is Area Uber-Fuhrer, we have to listen to her views whether we want to or not and so we cycled down to the Thatched House in the glorious sunshine and had hot food.

I chose the table by the live band and after a quick tour of the place where the Cub Scouts did some shoreline naturism, our food arrived. I got pasta, like I'd commanded. Bud got steak, but without the chillies that keep him alive. Jof got steak, unlike the gammon she'd asked for.

After servants of all nations and languages had clustered around us in consternation, we got replacement food including extra chocolate cake with hot ice cream and I even had a go in the soft-play area with the ballpit and hanging punchbags, once all the sweaty kiddies had gone home. The band made a brief appearance that was considerably shorter than their tune-up session and we went home a different way (Jof leading).

Kung-Fu Wave Fighting

Now, I had a plan for today. In fact, it was the same plan I had yesterday until Jof ruined it by making me go out, and O Yea it was to play Minecraft with Red Sydney and our band of merry Crafters. And I did that, even when they went shopping and left me there to fend for myself.

But again, she made me go out, to the beach this time. Just because the sea is but a short bike ride away, and the temperatures hit 28 degrees or so, and Ben has a beach hut, doesn't mean I want to leave the sanctuary of my cyber-domain.

But we met Ben and Gene and we went in the sea which was really cold but you get used to it and and gosh it was worth it. Bud joined us and we all went in and a short while after the massive cruise ship "Enormosity of the Seas" drove past, we got a series of huge waves and we battled them and jumped up and down going raaargh and threw seaweed at each other and swallowed too much seawater and got sand in our clefts and gravel in our pockets. The tide tried to take us sideways.

I didn't get out of the sea until 630 and it was still busy and hot, especially where we'd warmed it up by weeing. So Fathers' Day passed off without a mention apart from at Grandads' place where he won a bottle of French fizzy pop for correctly guessing the weight of the chef, 'cos you know, insanity.